Focus On Facilitation: Using "Is the Universe Friendly?" with a Hard-to-Find Story

Einstein purportedly said that there was only one important question to ask: "Is the universe friendly?" I've noticed that the more I do The Work, the more open I am to the possibility that I do live in a friendly universe, even though "bad" things happen. If an issue feels unresolved after inquiry, there is usually an underlying belief that I haven't found or that hasn't yet been examined.

If an issue is particularly sticky for your client, even after turning it around, this exercise can help the client uncover and work with underlying beliefs that haven't come out in the course of inquiry.

Let's say my client is doing The Work on the thought "There's nothing good about my job." I as the facilitator don't dispute this as the client holds his belief up against the four-questions of inquiry, and sees how believing it affects his life and work.

The client turns the thought around: "There's plenty that's good about my job," and provides examples (he gets a paycheck, he gets benefits, he likes to have lunch with some of his co-workers). He examines the turnaround, "There's nothing good about my thinking (about my job)," and he finds where that could be as true or truer He says he can't find any more turnarounds.

I suggest the turnaround, "There's nothing bad about my job." The client still thinks there is something bad about it and doesn't want to go there.

"Okay," I say, "Tell me about that. What specifically is bad about your job?" He makes a list of his "proof," including:

He doesn't have enough to do.
Data entry is boring.'
Our data entry system is cumbersome and outdated.
The commute to and from the office is grueling.
There is no room for advancement.

Next, we get to see if any of these "proofs" truly means there is something bad about the job.

We start at the top: "I don't have enough to do."

I ask the client, "If the universe is friendly, why is this a good thing?"

He discovers three examples:

1. It gives him time and space to find ways to improve upon the task he has been assigned; in doing so, he actually becomes a more efficient employee, more valuable to the company.
2. It gives him time to job-hunt; so many other people who would like to change jobs are so overworked they can't find a way to keep their position while they researching other possibilities.
3. Sometimes he has time during the workday to do The Work on the things he doesn't like about his job! (Not that we're suggesting using work time as Work time; but this was his reality!)

There are stories behind every story. When the client looked for proof that his story was true, he excavated those deeper stories. Investigated, some of what the client thought was terrible about his job could be seen as positive aspects. Some of those "benefits" made the job more tolerable in the meantime, while others showed him a clear path to his next career move.

In a friendly universe—the parallel universe of peace—a boring, dead end job can be a bonus, a teacher, the perfect bend in the path. We need only look more closely in order to find the gifts.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Be Your Own "Spin" Doctor

"down and down I go,
round and round I go,
like a leaf that's caught in a tide...
In a spin, loving the spin I'm in..."
—from the song "That Old Black Magic"

What does it mean to "spin" when you facilitate The Work or answer the questions? Spinning is moving away from inquiring into the original statement in favor of something tangential.

Spinning During Facilitation

A facilitator's spinning looks like this:

Client: "My mother doesn't respect my choices in life."
Facilitator: Your mother doesn't respect your choices in life; is that true?
Client: No.
Facilitator: How do you react when you believe that thought, what happens?
Client: I feel depressed, and I get angry with my mother. I blame her for all the unhappiness in my life. I don't want to see her or share my life with her...
Facilitator: You don't want to share your life with her; is that true?

Believe it or not, this happens; I've even experienced facilitators spinning me several times before getting back to the original statement, at which point I'm dizzy!

Why do facilitators spin? Usually it's well-meaning; they hear something come up in the course of inquiry that seems "juicier" to them than the original statement. Or, they think that going off on the tangent will be more helpful to the client.

How to stop spinning your client: make a note of the client's underlying beliefs as they answer question 3, "How do you react when you believe this thought?" You can facilitate the client on these later, or assign them as "homework: for the client to work on alone. (In the example above, "I don't want to share my life with my mother" is an underlying belief. "My mother is to blame for my unhappiness" is another.)


Spinning Around Instead of Turning Around

Spinning a turnaround means veering away from the original statement, often in order to make it into a positive. When we spin a turnaround, we are in effect turning around the turnaround, which then loses its power to open the mind.

Here's what spinning looks like in a turnaround:

Original statement: "My mother doesn't respect my choices."

Possible turnarounds:

To the opposite: "My mother does respect my choices."
To the other: "I don't respect my mother's choices."
To the self: "I don't respect my choices."

Spins: "I do respect my mother's choices." "I respect my choices." The spirit of the original statement has been lost.

Why do facilitators spin turnarounds? Sometimes they want the client to feel better. This is facilitation with a motive, and it's good to notice.

Why do clients spin turnarounds? They, too, would like to feel better. They may also feel pressure to come up with lots of turnarounds, believing that "more is better." Also, both clients and facilitators who are new to inquiry may misunderstand the purpose of turnarounds, which are neither self-flagellations nor affirmations. They are simply awareness-expanders.

How to stop spinning the turnarounds: remember that you don't get extra points for extra turnarounds; use the ones the make sense to you. Also, repeat the original statement to yourself; that way you'll be less likely to veer far off course. Sit with each turnaround, let it enlighten you, and come up with three genuine examples of how that turnaround could be as true or truer.

The Work's efficacy lies in its simplicity. You'll find you have more than enough with simple turnarounds, without having to get creative and clever with them.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Resilience: Wildfires in a Friendly Universe

As you are probably aware, California is burning. This is not unusual for the Golden State, although the fires began a couple of months before the "official wildfire season." Because of extreme dryness, this year's fires have been particularly virulent.

My city, Santa Cruz, has not gone down in flames, but surrounding areas have had major damage: Big Sur, Big Basin, the Summit fires, Carmel Valley. Even downtown near the water, our morning air has that distinctive smell of a lumberyard combined with a fireplace. Many homes have been lost or damaged; no human deaths, but many animals have perished. The sky is as hazy as any smog day in Los Angeles, and it's been difficult for those with respiratory problems to breathe.

My thanks to Kathy Loh, a coach who lives in the Santa Cruz mountains near me, for posting this to the Co-active Network. The source is the Humboldt Redwoods State Park literature:

"Coast redwoods do not have a single taproot. Instead, they form a shallow network of relatively small roots that extend radially, up to a hundred feet from the base. The ends of the roots are fibrous, allowing them maximum surface area to obtain moisture and nutrients. If a flood buries the roots too deeply in silt, they have the ability to grow and explore their way upward toward more oxygenated soil. In addition to root collar burl sprouting, coast redwood also reproduces from seed. Flowering occurs in December and January with cones maturing over the spring and summer. In the autumn, the cones open on the trees and, on the average, 50 to 100 tiny seeds sprinkle out. Seedlings survive best in exposed mineral soil that often occurs as a result of fire, flood and uprooted trees."

Some of our coastal redwoods are older than Jesus. I love visiting these trees. They've seen and survived through a lot. They are not only resilient, they continue to grow because of "disasters."

As do we.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

The 200th Post Celebration!

It's that time again! To celebrate 200 posts on Soul Surgery (this being the 200th), I am offering some cool bargains:

1. Prepay for six sessions of The Work at $50 off the already discounted price (see Invest in Your Happiness for current fee, then deduct $50.00 and contact me for further instructions). (Offer good until July 31, 2008. All sessions must be completed by October 31, 2008).

2. Receive Transformational Inquiry: Working on Mothers and Others and Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work for $29.95 total (regularly $19.95 each) until July 31, 2008. To order with this discount, contact me with ORDER CODE "WOOHOO-200" to receive further instructions.

"No More Secrets" in Seattle, July 26-27

NO MORE SECRETS: Freedom from Shame, Self-hatred and Fear of Criticism

Saturday, July 26, 10:00 am—6:00 pm
Arlington, WA
or
Sunday, July 27, 10:00 am—6:00 pm
Bothell, WA

Facilitated by Carol L. Skolnick and Celeste Gabriele, Certified Facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie

Cost: Either day: $85 in advance; $95 to register on-site.

What keeps you from being honest in your life? What don't you want people to know about you, and what does it cost you to dodge criticism, lie to yourself, and feel ashamed of who you are? Join Celeste and Carol for a day of getting real with ourselves and others.

Do you really want to know the truth? Through group, individual and dyad exercises and one-on-one facilitation of The Work of Byron Katie, you will uncover the beauty and innocence of your own being that you have kept secret, especially from yourself.

Space is limited, RSVP required: To register, call Celeste Gabriele at 206-696-0070

About Your Facilitators: Carol and Celeste were among the first professional facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie to be certified by the new Institute for The Work in 2007, and are mentors in the ITW certification program. Since 2001 and 1999 respectively, they have used this radically effective process of inquiry with hundreds of clients all over the world.

Ask a Facilitator: "My Client Should Have Paid Me!"

Q: I just had a massage client stiff me; after the massage, he said he had to go get his wallet from his car down the road, then he just took off. Can I absolutely know he "should" have paid me? Obviously, yes! How can I do The Work on this situation?

A: It's true that he stiffed you. Can you absolutely know that he should have paid you, when in fact he didn't? Yes or no are acceptable answers.

If you say "yes," you would still answer question 3, "How do you react when you believe this thought?" and continue with the inquiry. This isn't about changing reality, but about meeting it with understanding... self-understanding. How do you treat yourself when you believe this thought? Are you beating yourself for not getting his contact information before working on him, or for not asking for payment upfront? Does the self-beating lead to any self-destructive habits, like overeating, or over-spending? How do you treat other clients when you think that he should have paid you, and he didn't? Are you mistrustful of them? And how do you treat the client who stiffed you in your mind? Are the thoughts violent? Do you want revenge?

Just notice how believing the thought "he should have paid me" disturbs your peace. That's because it completely opposes the truth.

Who would you be without this thought? How would you run your business from this moment forward? How would you treat yourself differently if you didn't hold this belief?

Turn the thought around: "He shouldn't have paid me." He shouldn't have because that's the reality of it. How might this incident actually be for your highest good?

You might find that you actually answer "no" to question 2, "Can you absolutely know it's true he should have paid you?" Here's why: "He didn't pay me" is what's true, it's what is. That doesn't mean you will be a doormat, but it could mean that you are saner, less reactive, about what happened, and this might be helpful when it comes to dealing with clients in the future.

A story: years ago when I was a copywriter, I did a direct marketing mailing for a company that neglected to pay me for my work. I was new to freelancing, I didn't have The Work then, and this situation just about tore me apart. My fee, which I had already discounted a lot, was $700 for the project. After a lot of phone calls and letters, the company paid me less than half of that amount. Soon afterwards, they shut down their office and left no forwarding address or phone. The amount they owed me was too small to make it worthwhile to hire an attorney, of course; so I had no choice but to cut my losses and move on.

I'd spent months trying to get that money, and I was furious! My anger, worry, and the injustice of it all consumed most of my waking moments, as I recall. This made it really hard to be present for finding new business!

With inquiry, in the same situation, I might have chalked this up to a learning experience. Without clinging to the belief that the client should pay when clearly they weren't going to, perhaps I would have changed my policies and decided to ask new clients to pay in full, upfront, for jobs billing over a certain amount. At the time, this never occurred to me; I was too busy being right...and a victim. Guess what? I got stiffed again by an art director who subcontracted a job to me during my last year in business, also at an amount that was well below my traditional fees. In the end, she claimed she didn't get her full fee from her client, so she couldn't pay me. I fumed about that one for quite awhile too.

The belief statement, "He should have paid me" turned around to "I" becomes "I should have paid myself." This is also a story of the past, since I didn't—but I can do so from this moment forward...by having payment policies that work for me, by not getting derailed when a business agreement falls apart, and by charging rates that are more comfortable for me to begin with.

Solutions arise out of a clear mind; a confused mind spends a lot of time and energy resenting what was, rather than living in and loving what is. Clients should pay what they owe me? Sure, in a world where everything is fair and everyone obeys the rules. Sometimes we don't live in that world. If that hurts, and it serves you to do so, I invite you to do inquire into this believe. In doing so, you are not letting the client off the hook for that money; he's not hooked at all. Rather, do it so that you can let yourself off the hook. Remaining hooked to "he should" is hopeless; it won't change things, and it's not serving you unless your main interest is in being right.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Asking Depression - Preorder Today!

Byron Katie has said, "All sadness is a tantrum." Why would she say such a thing? This seemed really crazy the first time I heard it; in fact, I had a little tantrum over it. "Easy for Katie to say," I spluttered. "Let her live my life for a few days and see if she still thinks my depression isn't justified."

But having sat with Katie's words over and again throughout the years, I realized that this was indeed true for me. My deepest depression has been the result of believing that my life ought to be different than it is. My depressive thoughts are always about not getting my way. Having recognized that, I have become more willing to sit with the possibility that I am throwing a hissy fit every time I want to give up and check out. Can I know that what I want is what is best for the world, or for me? Can I know I would be happier if things were different? Who would I be without my story? These are very important questions to ask, and my answers have been the most effective "anti-depressant" I've ever tried...and I tried many.

I hear from many others that The Work dovetails beautifully with their treatment for depression. They are able to meet their depression with understanding while they take their meds and supplements, work their 12-step programs, take care of their nutrition and sleep needs and follow their doctors' advice.

Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, who describes depressive thinking as "the ANTS that invade your brain" (ANTS is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts), has said that he works with the "hardware" of the brain, and recommends The Work as "software."

Want to know more about this phenomenon of sadness=tantrum? I'm writing about it, and including penetrating inquiry-based exercises, in my upcoming Transformational Inquiry eBook.

Have you pre-ordered your copy yet?

Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression will be the third of an ongoing series of practical guides that help you to apply The Work of Byron Katie to real-life situations. Upon its completion in the late fall of 2008 (we'll see if that comes true!), it will sell for $24.95. I am offering it now to readers of my newsletter and blog at the pre-publication price of $19.95, until June 30, 2008.

Shoot me an email with the order code available here to receive instructions for ordering before the June 30th deadline.

Because you're helping me to pay the bills in the meantime, you'll be among the first to receive the book when it becomes available, along with a gift: Three Realizations, a collection of "Aha! moments" that changed the lives of some of many of my dear friends...among them life coaches, writers, musicians, artists, office workers, educators, students and teachers of spirituality, and fellow facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

For more information and to order, visit
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/askingdepression_pre-pub608.htm
before June 30, 2008.

©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Are We More Afraid?

Are we, as a society, becoming increasingly fearful? Sometimes it seems that way; the media bombard us hourly with the latest red alerts on everything from recalled pet products to cell phone usage; parents appear to be increasingly reluctant to leave their children with caregivers, let them play on playground equipment, or eat the same foods we grew up on...all this in addition to the new disease or threat of war du jour.

If we're more afraid than we used to be, quite possibly there's more to be afraid of...and it's accompanied all the factual (or not) data we could ever want as backup. Maybe innocence was bliss; after all, the generation of mothers that gave birth to the baby boomers weren't aware of the dangers of smoking during pregnancy, or of lead-based paint on the crib bars we chewed on as infants...and we who are now 50-plus turned out okay, sort of. Since we didn't have labels for our childhood "disorders" such as ADHD, we were labeled rambunctious, insubordinate, and "not working up to potential" instead, and spared having to take medications that are now widely prescribed, not without side effects, and therefore controversial. There were no seat belts when I was very little; perhaps the image of babies flying through windshields wasn't any more of an issue than adults flying right after them. Maybe, when we drove those less-streamlined, clunkier, gas-guzzling cars of the 50s and early 60s--the ones that left those huge carbon footprints and befouled our air supply--we drove more slowly and carefully, requiring fewer precautions for strapping in the little ones. (I don't have any stats to back this up, but I bet you could find them easily, in this era of information overload.)

But we didn't come out okay merely in spite of our parents' ignorance, and certainly not because of it; perhaps we came out okay because there were, indeed, fewer hazards. We weren't being bombarded with as much petroleum product residue, or with as many microwaves. Mutant, "Incredible Hulk"-style strains of bacteria had not yet learned to scoff at antibiotics.

That's the practical side of the factors contributing to today's fears, but there's another side to it, incited by commerce. Fear is, after all, a great money-maker, and for this, the media alone is not to blame. Fear isn't just an element of a good story that gets people buying newspapers and tuning in to the evening report; it's how we innocently motivate ourselves to come up with solutions. The creators and broadcasters of the solutions make the big bucks by playing to our desire to be comfortable, safe, secure and happy. Of course, that's Advertising 101, nothing new.

Whether we're fussing over a child's scraped knee, or the possibility of identity theft, we're not afraid of those things per se, but of what we think they mean...some dreadful story of a future that doesn't exist. The kid's scraped knee could result in an invasion of flesh-eating bacteria, and that would result in fill-in-the-worst-case-scenario (hospitalization, big medical bills, no Disney vacation this year, loss of limb, loss of life, loss of the dream of a happy family which absolutely has to include little Joey in all of his pre-scrape perfection). Identity theft could mean that someone else gets what's rightfully yours, and you'll suffer...either momentarily as you invest hours and days you'll never get back to contact your credit card companies and financial institutions, or--worst-case scenario--for the rest of your life, if someone manages to get away with charging several Learjets to your Amex, and you never qualify for a mortgage again.

So, ultimately, all fear is the fear of loss and death, whether it's the loss of a life, the loss of a dream, the loss of control and any possibility of having things go the way we want them to. And we've been well-prepared to respond to fear rather than to the reality of what's happening now. The result is to become hyper-vigilant; more fearful, because, to our way of thinking, there is everything to lose.

What if we were to relax around these fears by questioning them? What is the worst that could happen? If you don't try to micromanage every aspect of your life and your family's well-being, if something terrible happens, it's all your fault and it could have been avoided--is that true?

Few ever stop to examine this, because uninvestigated, our fearfulness appears to have greater payoffs than courage, tranquility, or rationality. The next time you find yourself reacting with hyper-vigilance out of fear, I invite you to take another look at what lies beneath.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Ask a Facilitator: Drinking Problem, or Thinking Problem?

Q: I'm having trouble using the Work for my drinking problems. If the thought is "Drinking is fun!" then it doesn't hold up to scrutiny because the thought actually
makes me feel excited and happy (and perpetuates the desire). If the thought is "Drinking is not fun", I end up with a turnaround that says that drinking is fun (which perpetuates the desire). The Work "works" so well on judging others, but it seems to lose something in the translation here. I would be grateful for any guidance or "pointing to the moon"(or book/link) that you could recommend.

A: "Drinking is fun" isn't a stressful thought for you. When you question it with a motive to get to a "negative" turnaround, as you noticed, it doesn't decrease the desire to drink. When you do The Work on "Drinking is not fun" in order to get to a "positive" turnaround (and a reason to continue drinking), you're doing The Work with a motive also, and as you've noticed, it leaves you feeling disconnected.

The suggestion is not to do The Work in order to stop drinking; do it to discover what's true for you. This is about your "thinking problem," not your "drinking problem." If it were not a thinking problem, you'd be perfectly okay with drinking. I hear from you that this isn't the case.

What is your "thinking problem?" That would be an attachment to stressful thoughts that make you want to pick up a drink in order to escape them. "My boss shouldn't criticize me," "Relationships are too hard," "No one cares," "Existence is meaningless." Alcohol alone isn't the source of your problem; underlying beliefs are.

You can do a worksheet on alcohol as well. "I am saddened by alcohol (or, by my addiction to alcohol) because..." In this way, you are still judging your "neighbor." Alcohol and addictions are not you, they are what Byron Katie calls "outside sources." If you write the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on alcohol or on addiction, you will have a list of judgmental, stressful beliefs to hold against the four questions
and turnaround.

It's helpful here to apply the turnaround to my thinking, once you've
answered all four questions. (Please don't jump ahead to the turnarounds; do the homework of the four questions first.) For example, "Alcohol shouldn't be so seductive" turns around to "My thinking shouldn't be so seductive." Alcohol just sits in a bottle; my thoughts about it make it seem more appealing to drink it than to sit with my discomfort or boredom.

I Need Your Love—Is That True? is one of Katie's books that is being used extensively in treatment centers; it addresses the thoughts that lead to co-dependence, and many people with substance abuse issues find it helpful to examine and question the desire to seek love, approval and appreciation. You may also like the audio CD called "The Truth Behind Addiction," which is available at TheWork.com, or as a download here.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

See-Through You: A Book Review of Dunya Dianne McPherson's Skin of Glass

Unlike the lyrics to the Blondie song "Heart of Glass," which speak to fragility and betrayal, to have a skin of glass is to be transparent to oneself. In her new book, Dunya Dianne McPherson lets us see her, and see through her, as well...literally to the bone.

Skin of Glass: Finding Spirit in the Flesh, is a literary spiritual memoir by my once and future dance teacher. (She's coming to Santa Cruz in October!) I attended Dunya's Dancemeditation classes in New York for years, initially dragged there by a friend who insisted I didn't have be a good dancer or physically coordinated in order to do this spiritual/somatic practice: a combination of bellydance, Sufi work, and fluid yoga. (In doing so, I discovered that I was a pretty good dancer, and not as clumsy as I thought.)

Dunya was a "bunhead" kid (as we New Yorkers called the young chignon and leotard-sporting girls scarfing ice cream outside the Joffrey ballet school each summer) whose passion for classical dance took her from Wood's Hole to Juilliard. In the early 1980s, severe injuries ended her performance career while it opened her to a new way of experiencing dance as embodied prayer. She went through the usual stuff of spiritual biography—big experiences, parental disapproval, disillusionment with the teacher—until the path and practice became uniquely her own.

What distinguishes this spiritual autobiography from others is the emphasis on the body. It is after all through the body that we come to spiritual maturity. Dunya's memoir is a remembrance not simply of events, but of the evolution of bone, skin, sinew, muscle, organs, blood, sweat, lymph, and hormones along with the soul. The language is poetic and erotic, whether Dunya is describing a transcendent act of lovemaking or the inward journey sparked by an awareness of skeletal structure.

The reason this book is special to me goes beyond Dunya's exquisitely written story and seeps into my own. My discovery of Byron Katie's inquiry collided with my Dancemeditation practice; each enhanced the other. As fluid movement had its way with my body, I was no longer the limited, egoic story; I noticed that as soon as I attached to a thought that interrupted the flow, I would take a tumble. When I was connected with my essence, unselfconscious and unafraid, the dance danced itself. Who would I be without my story? A woman dancing beautifully for herself, even while performing for others.

Dunya and I approached the path to self-realization from different sides; she was a dancer who met spirit through dance, I was a seeker who met dance through spirit. Through our respective practices, we touch what cannot be grasped by the thinking mind...and we meet in the middle, where there is no distinction, where all is transparent, where we see and are seen.

"Inside any deep asking is the answering." —Rumi

Skin of Glass: Finding Spirit in the Flesh
by Dunya Dianne McPherson
216 pages
New York: Dancemeditation Books, 2008
$14.95


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.