Deadly Shoulds: "If I do my best for them, they shouldn't criticize me."

"If I do my best for them, they shouldn't criticize me."

Is it true they shouldn't criticize me? Especially since I've done what they wanted, worked hard to live up to everyone's expectations? YES!

And what is the reality of it? They're critical.

How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? Effin' A! I'm so p.o.'ed and resentful. How dare they be critical after all I've done, after I've been so agreeable, so accommodating, such a hard and dedicated worker?

When I believe this thought, I become a self-sacrificing doormat who is never appreciated for all I do. I don't want to hear their criticism; I block it, I deflect it, I put it back on them. I don't want to consider that anything they say might actually be true. I feel like an idiot for having done this "for them."

I keep score. I expect praise. I disappoint myself when praise is not forthcoming. I see them as nit-picky, impossible to please. I try to change their minds about me; I might be obsequious and over-accommodating so that they won't be critical. I step far out of my comfort zone, do too much, then hate myself for it. My happiness becomes contingent on their validating me. My love and approval for them relies on this also. I withhold love. I make them my judge and jury.

I expect them to overlook my flaws in favor of my efforts.

This one definitely has roots in my relationship to my mother, once again...as young as age eight, lots more when I was a teenager. She was honest with me; if I didn't do a good enough job picking up my toys or washing a dish, she let me know, and I hated her for it.

When I was ten and we moved, at my new school I tried hard to fit in and when I didn't receive party invitations or Valentine cards, I "knew" I was disliked and that this should not be. I treated other children as my judge and jury; I had to be careful around them, always say yes to their demands, never be myself (which would be just too weird for them, I surmised). I began to be very concerned with appearances, what I wore, how I talked, right down to how I sat in my chair at school (I'd imitate the way the most popular girl in class sat, even though my legs were half the length of hers and it was impossible.) I lived in fear of being picked on; I feared them and disliked myself.

As a direct response writer, I took criticism and correction of my work very hard if I had already revised the project one or more times to suit the clients...especially if they dared to change their minds about what they wanted!

What do I get for holding this belief? I get to be a righteous victim. How's that working for me? Not so well, as I still feel victimized. There is no satisfaction in being a righteous victim, ever.

Who would I be without this thought? Open to criticism; it could be very instructive. Not taking criticism personally; it's their opinion, as valid (or subjective) as kudos. I could ask for clarification without defense; if I truly want to do my best for them (and not to manipulate them into treating me a certain way), this will help me to do that. I would be in my integrity and in my own business mentally.

Turn the thought around:
If I do my best for them, they should criticize me.
1. It can bring about clarity about what is truly expected and whether or not I'm up to the task or even want to fulfill that expectation.
2. If they are critical, it is their job. If I am hurt or angered by their criticism, my job becomes clear: work on my stressful beliefs.
3. How else was I to get out of that dead-end job and have not one, but two terrific new careers?

If they do their best for me, I shouldn't criticize them. Oh. Oops.
1. My father did his level best for me, always, and I always let him know he failed me.
2. My direct reports when I was a manager: I could have helped them to do a better job rather than be critical (had I known how to do that. And that brings me to another insight about the first turnaround: maybe people simply don't know how to help me do better by them.)
3. A great mentor of mine, in retrospect, gave me everything she had in the first five minutes of our acquaintance, but for years, I always wanted more and more and more. Since more was not forthcoming, simply because there wasn't anything else she could possibly give me, I found fault with her over and again.

If I do my best for myself, I shouldn't criticize myself. Yes, it would be good to be gentler with myself, let myself off the hook for not being perfect.
1. Being critical of my best efforts has never made me do better and in fact has been de-motivating.
2. When I recognize my best efforts as my best, given my resources at the time, I can honestly assess whether there is any room or possibility for improvement, and improvement is more likely to happen.
3. In looking back at my life, I can see my "mistakes" in a kinder light and even determine that the choices I made were perfect...they brought me to this, now. Now, without a story, is a place of peace, where no criticism of myself or others can stick.
So how could it not have all been for the best?


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Deadly Shoulds: "If I work hard to please them, they'll like me."

Are you a people-pleaser? What is your motive? Do you believe that people should like you if you work hard to please them? I found this core belief for myself: "If I work hard to please them, they will like me." Cause and effect, right? Isn't that how we're taught that it works? Work hard in school, you'll get accolades. Work hard at the job, you'll get raises, promotions, recognition. Work hard at your relationship and your partner will love you forever. Let's see how that's working...

"If I work hard to please them, they will like me."


Is it true? No.

How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? I am out of my integrity. I say yes to things I don't want, and I forgo what I might want to have or do according to their wishes.

I don't give much thought to pleasing myself, other than believing that their love will be pleasing to me.

My work "for them" comes with conditions. It's not for them, it's for me. I don't realize this, so I blame them when I don't get the desired results. I see them as unkind, ungrateful, impossible to please, and as not loving me. Images: my mother, criticizing me for not being helpful after I've been on my hands and knees for hours cleaning cat hair and roach crap out of her apartment. Feeling devastated when my boyfriend left quickly after love-making in order to go be with his kids. Getting fired from the company where I'd worked for more than 10 years and after many raises, stellar reviews and several promotions. Hearing a speaker at an ashram program saying "There is nothing we can do to repay all that the guru has given us" and translating that as, "I need to work harder to be worthy of guru's grace."

I give away all my power and self-esteem to them. I need them to validate me, and I need this not just once, but continually.

What do I get for holding this belief? Another one of those insurance policies that don't pay out in the end due to some technicality.

Who would I be without that thought? Working hard for the joy of working, or not working so hard. Either way it would be with the recognition that I work to please myself. I would work honestly, doing my best because it feels right or to honor my commitmemts. I would not be manipulative, therefore I would be honest, saying, "No thank you, doing that won't work for me," or asking, "If I do this for you, will you love and appreciate me for it? I only want to do this as an exchange." (People don't talk this way. Why not?) I would not be afraid of losing validation; I would validate myself.


Turn the thought around:
If I work hard to please them, they won't like me. Just as true.
1. Mother: my efforts never moved her.
2. Others: they either like me or they don't, not based on what I do.
3. Job: even though I was a hard worker and bringing money into the company, when the new boss took over he preferred I not be there anymore.

If I work hard to please them, I won't like them. Oh, yeah. With every ounce of effort I put into pleasing people, there are two ounces of resentment.
1. My unappreciative mother; I couldn't stand her when I was working hardest for her.
2. Boyfriends. I didn't respect them when I was using my body as collateral.
3. My job. The harder I worked to keep that job by trying to make the new boss and his cronies happy, the more I hated my job, and resented them for not liking me.

If they work hard to please me, I won't like them.
Absolutely I can find that.
1. No man, for example, has ever made me love him by trying to make me love him; I love to receive flowers, compliments and favors as much as the next person; however no amount of flowers, compliments or favors has ever turned my head if the relationship isn't right.
2. I didn't appreciate many of my father's efforts to please me while I was growing up; in fact I found them annoying.
3. If I'm in a funk, efforts to please me are wasted. You think I'm wonderful, you want to buy me dinner? Thanks, I accept. Well, that didn't work. Now, go.

If I work hard to please myself, I will like myself. That seems like the truest turnaround. Ultimately I can only please myself, so I like myself when I do things to please myself.
1. I like myself when I no honestly and say yes only with integrity...and this is hard work for me.
2. I just love myself when I spend a lot of time to get my home, my desk, my computer files cleaned up and everything's just the way I like it.
3. If I throw a party and I'm very clear that I'm doing it out of joy, generosity, love and because I like parties, I just love myself for doing it. (If I expect people to help me, enjoy themselves, appreciate me and proffer reciprocal invitations, and they don't...I end up disliking all of us.)


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Deadly Shoulds: "She should appreciate me for what I do for her."

(Note: This particular "she," while sparked by a recent incident, could fit any number of people in my life, past and present.)

"She should appreciate me for what I do for her."

Is it true? No, she doesn't seem to.

How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? I expect payback, or at least acknowledgment of how nice I've been. I want her to refuse my efforts if she's not going to appreciate me. I resent her, feel used, see her as taking advantage of my generosity. I see her as a taker, a sponge, even a psychopath, someone with no feelings. I am hurt and I make my hurt feelings abundantly clear by being passive-aggressive, nasty, whiny, needy.

Sometimes I do even more things for her to try to garner love and appreciation.

I treat people as if there's a contract: If I do something for you, you will fawn all over me and/or do something for me. You will always include me, think of me, be indebted to me.

I want to warn other people about her. I see her as unkind, unfit to be a friend, unfit to be with people and I want everyone to know.

I see myself as a martyr or a patsy, like someone who is not lovable unless they buy love. I beat myself up for being so naive. I stop trusting people. I consider revoking all friendships.

I don't give to her, or anyone, with an open heart and hand.

I discount everything she's ever done for me.

I regret ever having done anything for her.

The thought first occurred to me when, as a child, I excitedly bought gifts with my allowance for my parents on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays...and if they didn't like the gifts I felt hurt, angry and regretting having sacrificed my time and money on them. I felt they were rejecting me personally.

I remember being kind and nice to other children at summer camp, and then they turned on me or left me out.

Underlying belief: People should be grateful. It's wrong to receive without giving. I need people to be loyal to me. I need to be included.

Why do I hold this belief? To protect myself, so that she and others won't ever walk on me, disappoint me or leave me out again (though it doesn't appear to be helping as I had two more incidences of such things within a week's time).

Who would I be without that thought? No regrets Remembering how great it felt to do things for her, to give her something, to include her, prior to the thought that I needed something back. I would be my generous and open-hearted self and we'd still be friends. I'd notice that whenever I have done anything for anyone, I have done it primarily for myself. I would therefore not hesitate to continue to be kind and generous to others without trying to secure my future with them.

Turn the thought around:
She shouldn't appreciate me for what I do for her.
1. Not if she doesn't. I can't micro-manage anyone else's behavior towards me.
2. Not if I did things for her with ulterior motives.
3. Her not appreciating me leaves me with myself to validate me.

I should appreciate myself for what I do for her.
1. Yes, truer; I should love myself for giving and doing when I know to do that, when I do it out of love.
2. I should appreciate myself for knowing that this person does not always reciprocate or even acknowledge what comes to her, and yet not going against my giving nature and continuing to be generous with her even when I felt hurt.
3. I should pat myself on the back for doing what I did for my mother for the rest of her life after my father died; it was the most difficult thing I ever did, "unappreciative" is an understatement for how she was, and I knew it was the right thing and rose to the occasion.

I should appreciate her for what she does for me.
Absolutely.
1. I should appreciate her for not appreciating me. It really shows me where my Achilles' heel is and where I have work to do.
2. I should appreciate the many ways she has encouraged me and held my feet to the fire when I was too tired, sad or righteous to do my inner work
3. I should appreciate her for inviting me to and showing me around her hometown, introducing me to some of her friends, arranging meetings for us, teaching me some great exercises, sending me photographs, driving me places...the list goes on. I haven't always appreciated these things and in fact expected some of them as my due.

I should appreciate her for what she does for herself.
1. Not only do I appreciate it, I'm jealous of it. She is really independent and self-sufficient, needs no one.
2. Because she does things for herself, she is low-maintenance, a great house guest for example.
3. I should appreciate that after I did something for her, she was done with me and thought only of herself and her desires, because it was unmistakeably what I needed. It really turned out okay; I was shown a lot of love and affection and caring that week and also had some good alone-time to see things about myself and my assumptions that I really needed to see.


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Ask a Facilitator: Drinking Problem, or Thinking Problem?

Q: I'm having trouble using the Work for my drinking problems. If the thought is "Drinking is fun!" then it doesn't hold up to scrutiny because the thought actually
makes me feel excited and happy (and perpetuates the desire). If the thought is "Drinking is not fun", I end up with a turnaround that says that drinking is fun (which perpetuates the desire). The Work "works" so well on judging others, but it seems to lose something in the translation here. I would be grateful for any guidance or "pointing to the moon"(or book/link) that you could recommend.

A: "Drinking is fun" isn't a stressful thought for you. When you question it with a motive to get to a "negative" turnaround, as you noticed, it doesn't decrease the desire to drink. When you do The Work on "Drinking is not fun" in order to get to a "positive" turnaround (and a reason to continue drinking), you're doing The Work with a motive also, and as you've noticed, it leaves you feeling disconnected.

The suggestion is not to do The Work in order to stop drinking; do it to discover what's true for you. This is about your "thinking problem," not your "drinking problem." If it were not a thinking problem, you'd be perfectly okay with drinking. I hear from you that this isn't the case.

What is your "thinking problem?" That would be an attachment to stressful thoughts that make you want to pick up a drink in order to escape them. "My boss shouldn't criticize me," "Relationships are too hard," "No one cares," "Existence is meaningless." Alcohol alone isn't the source of your problem; underlying beliefs are.

You can do a worksheet on alcohol as well. "I am saddened by alcohol (or, by my addiction to alcohol) because..." In this way, you are still judging your "neighbor." Alcohol and addictions are not you, they are what Byron Katie calls "outside sources." If you write the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on alcohol or on addiction, you will have a list of judgmental, stressful beliefs to hold against the four questions
and turnaround.

It's helpful here to apply the turnaround to my thinking, once you've
answered all four questions. (Please don't jump ahead to the turnarounds; do the homework of the four questions first.) For example, "Alcohol shouldn't be so seductive" turns around to "My thinking shouldn't be so seductive." Alcohol just sits in a bottle; my thoughts about it make it seem more appealing to drink it than to sit with my discomfort or boredom.

I Need Your Love—Is That True? is one of Katie's books that is being used extensively in treatment centers; it addresses the thoughts that lead to co-dependence, and many people with substance abuse issues find it helpful to examine and question the desire to seek love, approval and appreciation. You may also like the audio CD called "The Truth Behind Addiction," which is available at TheWork.com, or as a download here.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

What Is Love?

I never much enjoyed Valentine's Day. Back in elementary school, I used to give a valentine to everyone in my class, and I received very few back; proof that I wasn't loved. My father would give my mother a large box of chocolates, and a much smaller box to me; proof that he loved her more. When I complained about this, he started getting me a large one too, but that didn't count because I had to ask for it. If he loved me, he would have known. (Besides, he ate most of it.)

Our first Valentine's Day together, my first serious boyfriend gave me a valentine card that was basically a dirty joke. So much for love, I thought.

This year, I received some very sweet valentines (mostly from married friends of both sexes), one naughty one (this time I laughed)...and the most beautiful and tasteful (and very purple, therefore very Carolish) small bouquet of flowers I have ever received from a dear friend who perhaps wants us to become something more, and I don't know that for certain, and it was hard to be gracious about it because I don't know if I want us to be something more, yet I don't want to eliminate this possibility either. Sigh.

"Personalities don't love, they want something." —Byron Katie.

I can see where my personality wants something, always. More accurately, it wants plenty, and it gets depressed when it doesn't get what it thinks it wants.

Mostly, cartoon-character Carol thinks she wants love, and she wants it on her own terms, which are subject to change without notice, and side effects may occur.

So what is love? It can't be what I think it is when I believe I don't have it, because those thoughts do not bring me joy.

In the past, love has meant, "If you loved me you would ____ ." That didn't work.

It has meant, "I need you, I can't be happy without you." Ew.

It has meant, "If you loved me, you wouldn't be so critical of me." Seeing through this lie has been one of the most enlightening realizations of my life.

I don't know much, but here's what I know about love so far.

Love has a life of its own. I'm no good at hating, and I can't help loving. I can try and try to resist love, but it will have its way with me. I can try to write people off, but I can't do it; it's like trying to stop myself from breathing. I tried to write off my mother, my best friend from high school, my exes, my former guru. I can't do it.

That friend who gave me the purple flowers? I've done everything I can think of to discourage him and push him away, and when I don't see him for awhile, I see his face in my mind's eye, and I smile.

I've come to see that love is none of my business.

Love is honest. Last week I listened to six peoples' Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets about me, and facilitated two of them. The week before, a friend called to say, "You think you are better than I am." I experienced their words as love letters...especially since these friends were brave enough to come to me with their thoughts. I just wept, hearing their hearts. I felt merged with them as one feels with a lover.

By the way, this is how I know The Work works; the same judgments seven years ago would have left me in a morass of hatred and self-hatred. The tears would have come out of pain, and I would have shot back zingers and/or never spoken to these people again.

Love says,
"Carol, you're too fat. Your glasses and hair are all wrong."

I understand; that's so often what I see in the mirror. You must really care about me to want me to look better. Any suggestions?

Love says,
"Carol, I need you to show me your true self."

Thank you. I want to give you that as well...fearlessly. I'm not able to yet, and I'm working on it.

Love says,
"Carol, you want to destroy me."

Oh, yes. I've been there, out of irritation, out of a desire for control, out of competition...in short, out of fear. Thank you for pointing this out to me. It helps me to see that it's not personal, and to realize how much I really do love you.

Love says,
"Carol, you think you are better than I am."

Yes, I have thought so, and that hurts. Thank you for helping me to see where that belief comes from, so that I can stop hurting myself.

It just doesn't get more intimate than this.

What can you say that I haven't thought, that I haven't been? Where do I defend? Thank you for the loving gift of clarity in your criticism.

Love is a murderer. If Love wanted to call me home, to consume me, wouldn't it come fiercely, an irresistible force that completely unravels me?

Bring it on.



©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Byron Katie's Book Reviewed by Carol Skolnick in Noumenon Journal

The Summer 2006 issue of The Noumenon Journal, an annual published in South Africa by Dr. Kriben Pillay about nondual perspectives, is available now for purchase at the Lulu.com website.

My book review of Byron Katie's I Need Your Love—Is That True? is included, as as well as "Far reaching explorations of our transformative potential… Touching the Universe with Steven Harrison and Patrick McCarty; Corporate Trainings and the Cult of ‘Me’; Krishnamurti and Dramatherapy; Joan Tollifson on Death and What Is; Leadership perspectives by Robert Rabbin and Jim Dreaver; Peter Francis Dziuban on Consciousness" and more.

©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Relationship Troubles? "You're Just Not That Into You!"

(Note: This book review is over a year old and was never published. I put it here to encourage you to read Byron Katie's unsung second book. Very different stylistically from Loving What Is,it is nonetheless extremely powerful. I found myself on every page and could hardly talk to anyone for a couple of weeks, so aware was I of dishonesty and manipulation in my actions and communications, romantic and otherwise. —CS)


I Need Your Love—Is That True?
How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation
and Start Finding Them Instead

by Byron Katie
written with Michael Katz
Harmony Books, April 2005 , 288 pages, $24.00

While reading Byron Katie's new book, I was reminded of a Hindu teaching story about a monk who yearned for a vision of the Divine Mother. For many years he prayed, worshiped and performed so many austerities that he became self-realized and forgot about his quest. It was only then that the deity finally revealed herself to the monk, who regarded this miracle with the same peaceful equanimity in which he had been living for some time. Already merged in her supreme love, he no longer needed to see the Goddess' form. Why, then, did she wait so long to appear? She didn't; she was always there. Until the monk came to know his own divine nature, he was unable to see her.

Similarly, in the provocatively titled I Need Your Love—Is That True?—a book of revelations cleverly disguised as a relationship guide—Byron Katie writes: "Without the stressful thoughts that separate us from one another, there is only one mind, and it's everywhere. Bodies can't be connected....There's no point in trying, because you're already connected. You can only connect with yourself and find that out."

Not too many relationship experts will ask you to question the very existence of your partner; it's not the kind of strategy that sells self-help books. But in a sense, that's exactly what Byron Katie, author of the best-seller Loving What Is, proposes in her latest offering. And why not? If the endless proliferation of psycho-spiritual guides is any indication, no one else has succeeded in providing us with a proven formula for having a happy life and finding the perfect partner. Furthermore, Katie is famous for saying that she doesn't have the answers at all, just the questions. Therein lies the difference: self-realization—emphasis on "self"—is a much easier way of relating to others than manipulation, people-pleasing or isolation.

In fact, we don't relate to people, Byron Katie tells us, but to our thoughts about them...and it is our thoughts with which we manipulate ourselves when we try to impress, attract, seduce and control. With Katie's simple process of self-inquiry, called The Work, we question what we believe about others in order to get what we have always wanted...from ourselves.

"My mother didn't love me." "My girlfriend shouldn't leave me." "My husband wants too much sex." Thoughts like these depress us and keep us jumping through hoops to please others; we end up making war, not love when we don't get the desired results. Ironically, Katie points out, the struggle to win people over (or to bend them to our will) makes it nearly impossible to experience the love and support we most want, not just in romance but all relationships—familial, convivial and professional.

Katie's first book, Loving What Is (Harmony Books 2002) is an eye-opening guide to self-knowledge through The Work, a sequence of four simple life-changing questions followed by a thought-reversal technique called a "turnaround." (The Work is so simple, in fact, that our complexity-loving minds find it easy to dismiss.) I Need Your Love–Is That True? stands on the shoulders of Loving What Is by applying Katie's self-inquiry technique to the stress-inducing beliefs we hold dear about the people to whom we are closest. Through real-life examples of people doing inquiry on their objections about their loved ones, Katie shows us how we live when we dwell in a world of unfulfilled needs, wants and shoulds...while pointing us towards a way out of that hell.

For the willing, using Katie's process can rock your world...but even just reading her pronouncements can stop the mind dead in its "I know" tracks. Katie has a way of sneaking in the Great Truths of the Ages when speaking of the most mundane things, such as whether or not husbands and children should pick up their socks. If you read I Need Your Love with an open mind—whether or not you do The Work or play with the easy and enjoyable exercises sprinkled throughout the book—you may find yourself questioning everything you've ever said, every move you've ever made to secure love, approval and appreciation from lovers and other strangers.

That's one of those Great Truths that are so easy to miss when we're focused on the socks on the floor (or on money, sex, or your favorite "need-want-should"): our loved ones are strangers. They have to be, because they are our projection in the moment, and the projection changes based on whether or not we are pleased with it. On every page of I Need Your Love, Katie demonstrates how questioning our most stressful projections (we get to keep the peaceful ones) results in knowing our partners (and ourselves) as we never have nor could before. (Think of the Goddess vision.)

If this sounds like spiritual woo-woo, the proof is in the process and its founder. I Need Your Love—Is That True? is based on Katie's own experience—and that of hundreds of thousands of people who use The Work—of meeting thoughts with understanding. Katie's life story, briefly recounted in the book's introduction, is compelling: marriage and family life, successful business, all's well...followed by many years of crippling bed-ridden depression, addictions, agoraphobia, rage, paranoia, hitting bottom and then a depth-charge when Katie realized she no longer had to attach to every dictate and opinion of the mind...that finding one's own truth is the end of suffering. Katie's "moment of clarity" as she calls it sounds a lot like the Buddha's awakening, but it happened in a Mojave desert backwater to a woman with no religion, teacher or interest in psychology...in the midst of a familiar-sounding American life story. And, as Katie experienced, your teacher is the one you're living with. That s/he doesn't give you love, approval and appreciation is part of the divine teaching. "People go to India to find a guru," Katie says, "but you don't have to....Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom."

"What could anyone call me that I couldn't find at some time in my life? If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered."

Katie's Work is a surgery and in I Need Your Love—Is That True? she dispenses with the anesthesia and wastes no time in asking us, "Do you believe everything you think?" As anyone who has ever lain awake at night knows, we don't even think our own thoughts; they're rather like the CNN ticker, always going, ever-changing, about the lover, the wife's lover, the boss, George W. Bush, Uncle Bill. Believing our thoughts may give us the illusion of being right, but at what price? And while the mind loves to be right, it also loves to be understood. This is why Katie's written inquiry method (visit www.thework.com online for a complete overview)—in which you privately sound off on your partner, on paper, in order to learn about yourself—can change your life if you let it, but it is not for the squeamish. It is for those who are ready to know the truth.

What is the worst that could happen if you follow Katie's lead? "Won't I become complacent?" you may ask, or "What if my partner leaves?" One of the remarkable things about I Need Your Love is the way Katie addresses every possible objection to merciless mental investigation, honest communication and living authentically in relationship. In one of the more radical passages, she says:

I can close my eyes and see my husband in the arms of a woman loving him, and I want that if it's what he wants, and I also see my life without him and how full that would be. I always have an abundance of love in my life. Everyone does. There is never a shortage and never too much.

Sometimes Katie asks us to do what seems unimaginable...for example, to picture how life might actually be better if our children died. "Be a traitor to misery," she says. "There's nothing macabre about this. The point is to break the grip of a fearful belief." We make pronouncements all the time about how we cannot go on...how we can't take anymore...and when we believe this, it becomes our reality. "Is that true?" Katie asks, inviting us to get very literal and realistic. "Are you still breathing?"

As for criticism, Katie says, it's a gift...and if it hurts, they're right. "What could anyone call me that I couldn't find at some time in my life?" she asks. "If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered."

However, Katie never condones staying in an unhappy or abusive union; she simply suggests ending it as a sane person. "Whether you stay in or leave a relationship, there are always two ways to do it," Katie writes. "One way is in peace, with love; the other is at war, with anger and blame." Which do you prefer?

Simply put, I Need Your Love—Is That True? is for people who don't follow The Rules, don't live on Mars or Venus and who prefer being themselves to using sales techniques for winning friends and influencing people. Katie's Work takes the drama and mystery out of living happily on a planet populated with apparent others; it results in a kinder, gentler way to exist, sans neediness and insecurity, deception-free. In the end, as the fabled monk discovered, mature and authentic relating is all about you, and that doesn't mean that your God or Goddess won't come. "When you have that sweet relationship with yourself," Katie tells us, "your partner is an added pleasure. It's over-the-top grace."

©2005 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.