SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
Showing posts with label certified facilitator. Show all posts
Showing posts with label certified facilitator. Show all posts
February 19, 2010
Helping Others While Helping Yourself
Ironically, some the very things we have come to view as expensive luxuries are the ones that help us to take good care of ourselves.
Like many friends and colleagues all over the world, I have been feeling the pinch of the economy in recent years. So it feels funny to expect everyone to find a way to pay my old fee structure, set during more prosperous times, when I myself can't regularly afford many of the things that help me to prosper and grow in my life, whether it's a workshop, a massage, coaching sessions or even health care.
Believe it or not, marketing gurus to the self-employed advise raising fees in a recession! I've never grokked the logic of this advice and it has never sat well with me; it dismisses the experience of the people I most desire to serve, who don't need one more stressor, like higher prices, on their plates.
If you've wanted to do ongoing inquiry with a facilitator but simply could not justify the expense, you'll be happy to hear about my new (and unpublished on my website) Transformational Inquiry Prosperity Package, available now through the end of 2010 only to my friends, clients and subscribers: 10 pre-paid one-hour sessions of The Work for $750. That's only $150 more than the already discounted six-session package advertised at ClearLifeSolutions.com...and, at just $75 per session, it's my lowest publicly offered fee in eight years.
In addition, I will donate $10 of each package fee either to Partners In Health--the relief organization that has been active in Haiti for 20 years and has the infrastructure in place to help victims of the earthquake--or Groundworks Opportunities, which has been instrumental in helping Rwandans come to grips with the past and rebuild their lives, from building houses to learning The Work. You choose which group you'd like to see prosper from your Work. (If you prefer that the donation go to a local charity, I can arrange that as well.)
To enroll in the Prosperity Package (I can't bring myself to call it a recession special!), I only require that you...
*Prepay for all 10 sessions.
*Complete all 10 sessions in three months' time (ideally one session per week; and of course you can do it more frequently).
*Be an active subscriber to the infrequent, fun and informative Transformational Inquiry newsletter; if you aren't already on my mailing list, sign up at http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/newsletter.htm (You'll also receive a complimentary white paper, The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work.)
Please note I cannot accept Paypal payments with this offer.
Active subscribers to Transformational Inquiry, please contact me here: http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/contactcarol.htm
Like many friends and colleagues all over the world, I have been feeling the pinch of the economy in recent years. So it feels funny to expect everyone to find a way to pay my old fee structure, set during more prosperous times, when I myself can't regularly afford many of the things that help me to prosper and grow in my life, whether it's a workshop, a massage, coaching sessions or even health care.
Believe it or not, marketing gurus to the self-employed advise raising fees in a recession! I've never grokked the logic of this advice and it has never sat well with me; it dismisses the experience of the people I most desire to serve, who don't need one more stressor, like higher prices, on their plates.
If you've wanted to do ongoing inquiry with a facilitator but simply could not justify the expense, you'll be happy to hear about my new (and unpublished on my website) Transformational Inquiry Prosperity Package, available now through the end of 2010 only to my friends, clients and subscribers: 10 pre-paid one-hour sessions of The Work for $750. That's only $150 more than the already discounted six-session package advertised at ClearLifeSolutions.com...and, at just $75 per session, it's my lowest publicly offered fee in eight years.
In addition, I will donate $10 of each package fee either to Partners In Health--the relief organization that has been active in Haiti for 20 years and has the infrastructure in place to help victims of the earthquake--or Groundworks Opportunities, which has been instrumental in helping Rwandans come to grips with the past and rebuild their lives, from building houses to learning The Work. You choose which group you'd like to see prosper from your Work. (If you prefer that the donation go to a local charity, I can arrange that as well.)
To enroll in the Prosperity Package (I can't bring myself to call it a recession special!), I only require that you...
*Prepay for all 10 sessions.
*Complete all 10 sessions in three months' time (ideally one session per week; and of course you can do it more frequently).
*Be an active subscriber to the infrequent, fun and informative Transformational Inquiry newsletter; if you aren't already on my mailing list, sign up at http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/newsletter.htm (You'll also receive a complimentary white paper, The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work.)
Please note I cannot accept Paypal payments with this offer.
Active subscribers to Transformational Inquiry, please contact me here: http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/contactcarol.htm
February 17, 2010
Ask a Facilitator Anything!
How Much Time Should I Take for The Work?
Q: How often do you suggest someone do The Work? It takes me about 12-20 minutes to question one belief out of maybe 20-30 beliefs on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.
A: How much time would you put aside for a daily meditation practice, or for exercise? I see doing The Work as very similar to doing these other things; you don't want to exhaust yourself, but the more regularly you work at inquiry, the more "muscle" you'll develop.
That said, I think the amount of time you set aside isn't as important as making space for it in your day. If you're new to inquiry, you might want to do it every day at first. Twenty minutes could be long enough; an hour is great if you find it's helping you to sit with the questions longer. In session with a client, we work for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. The important thing is to routinely question your stressful beliefs so that you begin to experience the effects of inquiry when you are not actively doing it.
When I was learning how to do The Work, I used to spend a couple of hours every day...but that's because I was in a big hurry to fix myself! I soon burnt myself out (and also I came to see that The Work is not a "fix," it's a way to develop and expand awareness). Later on, I spent maybe 20 or 30 minutes a day doing actual writing, then it became a few times a week or less, or as needed. The mechanism of inquiry was alive in me by that time so I didn't always have to write everything down. When I found myself letting myself take shortcuts, I went back to writing.
From time to time I go back to doing The Work every day, but mostly I use it when I feel confused or upset with no relief, or when I am particularly curious about why someone or something is troubling me, or when a stressful concept I thought I was done with feels sticky once again. If I have a worksheet with a lot of thoughts I want to look at, I might spread it out over several days.
Everyone is different and you may find you want to spend more or less time in inquiry than others.
Can't I Have Wants and Needs?
Q: I just started reading Katie's books and I'm wondering what happens when someone truly is dissatisfied with their situation and wants to leave. When is it appropriate to have boundaries? Or is it just about finding peace in whatever situation you're in and accepting people for who they are? Can't I have wants and needs? For example, I accept my husband for not being expressive and demonstrative; does that mean I shouldn't want to leave him? If he doesn't put any time into the relationship, should I just accept that?
A: If I know I need to leave a situation, I leave it! The key word here is "know." Accepting and finding peace in a challenging relationship does not mean you have to stay there. And I will ask myself: can I know I need to leave, or am I really wanting to stay while (hopelessly) hoping my partner will change?
I'm all for having needs and wants and for being very clear about what they are. If I want someone to fulfill those needs and wants for me, that's a recipe for disappointment and resentment. If I want a demonstrative, expressive partner, for example, and my partner is not demonstrative and expressive, whether I stay or go depends on how badly I truly want that and whether I'd rather be with him than not.
Is it true that you accept your husband? Here's where acceptance comes from: question beliefs like, "My husband should be expressive" and "He doesn't put any time into the relationship." Doing so puts you back in touch with what's true for you. Acceptance is acceptance of the truth; acceptance doesn't mean you shortchange yourself.
If you know it's time to leave, what stressful thoughts keep you from doing so? (Fears, "shoulds," etc.) If you know you want to stay, what stressful thoughts keep you from loving your relationship? (Write a worksheet on your husband and find out!)
Never A Reason to Break Up?
Q: It seems there would never be a reason to break up with a partner, because if we do The Work, we would find a turnaround for every criticism pointing back to ourselves. What am I not getting/seeing here?
A: There could be many reasons to break up with a partner, including simply knowing that it's time to go. Relationships run their course. We change our minds. Our lives and our priorities change. We don't have to vilify the other person in order to leave them...and we don't have to stay just because we've discovered our criticisms of them could easily be directed at ourselves.
Why do you walk down one street rather than another one? Does it have to mean that one street is better than the other street? Maybe you're in a hurry today and it takes a little less time to walk down the street you are choosing, or there's a lovely tree there that you like to look at, or you simply enjoy a change of scene. You're not a terrible person for having preferences! There's a street I avoid because it is hilly and when I come back from the store carrying packages, I prefer not to climb uphill. I don't say "This street is too hilly, turn it around: I am too hilly. Uh oh, I'd better keep walking on the hilly street because otherwise it means I don't love what is!"
When we do turnarounds in The Work, it's not meant to talk us into or out of anything; it's simply a way to expand awareness. I can't emphasize this point enough: turnarounds show us peaceful alternatives that we may not have seen. They point to what else could be as true or truer in this vast universe of choices. They show us where we have been mistaken, where we might want to loosen our grip, create more freedom in our lives, heal ourselves and make amends to those we might have hurt.
If, when judging your partner, you have a "negative" turnaround to yourself—for example, "He's inconsiderate." "I'm inconsiderate."—it doesn't mean you have to stay with him because you've been inconsiderate. This turnaround is pointing to, "Where have I been inconsiderate of him?" Perhaps by wanting him to change for your sake...and maybe he can't do that. It could be that this is a wonderful man who is not your wonderful man; you've been confused about that. Now you can do right by him and stop the violence (to yourself as well as to him) of wishing he were different.
If you stay, questioning your thoughts will help you stay with love, including self-love. If you go, it could be the most loving thing you can do...without resentment or blame.
At first I wanted to stop seeing a man I was dating because HE did this and HE did (or didn't do) that. My friends were saying, "Oh, you've got to end it, HE's a this, HE's a that, you deserve much better. (Friends just love to take our side when we're going through relationship stuff, as if there were an enemy against whom we need defending.) While I appreciated their support, seeing the man as a dastardly fiend didn't actually make me feel better, nor did it make it any easier for me to tell him I was done.
I got clear that what was going on between us was mostly going on between my ears; old beliefs that prevented me from letting myself know what I knew, that pulled me out of my own integrity. The "negative" turnarounds, such as "he lied to me"/"I lied to him"/"I lied to myself" rang very true and they did not feel like I was whipping myself. When I finally told him it wasn't working out for me, never implying that he (or I) did anything wrong or that he wasn't good enough for me, he said he had never been "dumped" so nicely before and hoped we would stay friends. I feel closer to him now than when I was trying to "accept" him.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Q: How often do you suggest someone do The Work? It takes me about 12-20 minutes to question one belief out of maybe 20-30 beliefs on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.
A: How much time would you put aside for a daily meditation practice, or for exercise? I see doing The Work as very similar to doing these other things; you don't want to exhaust yourself, but the more regularly you work at inquiry, the more "muscle" you'll develop.
That said, I think the amount of time you set aside isn't as important as making space for it in your day. If you're new to inquiry, you might want to do it every day at first. Twenty minutes could be long enough; an hour is great if you find it's helping you to sit with the questions longer. In session with a client, we work for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. The important thing is to routinely question your stressful beliefs so that you begin to experience the effects of inquiry when you are not actively doing it.
When I was learning how to do The Work, I used to spend a couple of hours every day...but that's because I was in a big hurry to fix myself! I soon burnt myself out (and also I came to see that The Work is not a "fix," it's a way to develop and expand awareness). Later on, I spent maybe 20 or 30 minutes a day doing actual writing, then it became a few times a week or less, or as needed. The mechanism of inquiry was alive in me by that time so I didn't always have to write everything down. When I found myself letting myself take shortcuts, I went back to writing.
From time to time I go back to doing The Work every day, but mostly I use it when I feel confused or upset with no relief, or when I am particularly curious about why someone or something is troubling me, or when a stressful concept I thought I was done with feels sticky once again. If I have a worksheet with a lot of thoughts I want to look at, I might spread it out over several days.
Everyone is different and you may find you want to spend more or less time in inquiry than others.
Can't I Have Wants and Needs?
Q: I just started reading Katie's books and I'm wondering what happens when someone truly is dissatisfied with their situation and wants to leave. When is it appropriate to have boundaries? Or is it just about finding peace in whatever situation you're in and accepting people for who they are? Can't I have wants and needs? For example, I accept my husband for not being expressive and demonstrative; does that mean I shouldn't want to leave him? If he doesn't put any time into the relationship, should I just accept that?
A: If I know I need to leave a situation, I leave it! The key word here is "know." Accepting and finding peace in a challenging relationship does not mean you have to stay there. And I will ask myself: can I know I need to leave, or am I really wanting to stay while (hopelessly) hoping my partner will change?
I'm all for having needs and wants and for being very clear about what they are. If I want someone to fulfill those needs and wants for me, that's a recipe for disappointment and resentment. If I want a demonstrative, expressive partner, for example, and my partner is not demonstrative and expressive, whether I stay or go depends on how badly I truly want that and whether I'd rather be with him than not.
Is it true that you accept your husband? Here's where acceptance comes from: question beliefs like, "My husband should be expressive" and "He doesn't put any time into the relationship." Doing so puts you back in touch with what's true for you. Acceptance is acceptance of the truth; acceptance doesn't mean you shortchange yourself.
If you know it's time to leave, what stressful thoughts keep you from doing so? (Fears, "shoulds," etc.) If you know you want to stay, what stressful thoughts keep you from loving your relationship? (Write a worksheet on your husband and find out!)
Never A Reason to Break Up?
Q: It seems there would never be a reason to break up with a partner, because if we do The Work, we would find a turnaround for every criticism pointing back to ourselves. What am I not getting/seeing here?
A: There could be many reasons to break up with a partner, including simply knowing that it's time to go. Relationships run their course. We change our minds. Our lives and our priorities change. We don't have to vilify the other person in order to leave them...and we don't have to stay just because we've discovered our criticisms of them could easily be directed at ourselves.
Why do you walk down one street rather than another one? Does it have to mean that one street is better than the other street? Maybe you're in a hurry today and it takes a little less time to walk down the street you are choosing, or there's a lovely tree there that you like to look at, or you simply enjoy a change of scene. You're not a terrible person for having preferences! There's a street I avoid because it is hilly and when I come back from the store carrying packages, I prefer not to climb uphill. I don't say "This street is too hilly, turn it around: I am too hilly. Uh oh, I'd better keep walking on the hilly street because otherwise it means I don't love what is!"
When we do turnarounds in The Work, it's not meant to talk us into or out of anything; it's simply a way to expand awareness. I can't emphasize this point enough: turnarounds show us peaceful alternatives that we may not have seen. They point to what else could be as true or truer in this vast universe of choices. They show us where we have been mistaken, where we might want to loosen our grip, create more freedom in our lives, heal ourselves and make amends to those we might have hurt.
If, when judging your partner, you have a "negative" turnaround to yourself—for example, "He's inconsiderate." "I'm inconsiderate."—it doesn't mean you have to stay with him because you've been inconsiderate. This turnaround is pointing to, "Where have I been inconsiderate of him?" Perhaps by wanting him to change for your sake...and maybe he can't do that. It could be that this is a wonderful man who is not your wonderful man; you've been confused about that. Now you can do right by him and stop the violence (to yourself as well as to him) of wishing he were different.
If you stay, questioning your thoughts will help you stay with love, including self-love. If you go, it could be the most loving thing you can do...without resentment or blame.
At first I wanted to stop seeing a man I was dating because HE did this and HE did (or didn't do) that. My friends were saying, "Oh, you've got to end it, HE's a this, HE's a that, you deserve much better. (Friends just love to take our side when we're going through relationship stuff, as if there were an enemy against whom we need defending.) While I appreciated their support, seeing the man as a dastardly fiend didn't actually make me feel better, nor did it make it any easier for me to tell him I was done.
I got clear that what was going on between us was mostly going on between my ears; old beliefs that prevented me from letting myself know what I knew, that pulled me out of my own integrity. The "negative" turnarounds, such as "he lied to me"/"I lied to him"/"I lied to myself" rang very true and they did not feel like I was whipping myself. When I finally told him it wasn't working out for me, never implying that he (or I) did anything wrong or that he wasn't good enough for me, he said he had never been "dumped" so nicely before and hoped we would stay friends. I feel closer to him now than when I was trying to "accept" him.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
February 19, 2009
An Interview about Using The Work with Depression
I was recently interviewed by blogger Jessica Alvarez Fernandez for her Live On Purpose newsletter, which has a wealth of information for people interested in becoming aware of thought patterns that cause stress, anger, depression and fear. The text of the interview, below, is now also posted at Jessica's website, Live On Purpose.
Jessica: What types of reactions/releases do you see from depressed people after they go through The Work?
Carol: Well, I'm one of those people, so I'll speak from my own experience. I received the diagnosis of clinical depression in my early 20s and I remember being depressed since early childhood. It didn't ever take much to send me into a spiral of hopelessness, disappointment, extreme sadness, resentment, self-hatred...and in adulthood, I had tried a lot of different things: therapies, meditation techniques, antidepressants, supplements, exercise, diet. All helped to some degree but never got at the source of what was troubling me. I tried to escape into food, relationships, spiritual woowoo. Shortly after I began doing The Work, a weight lifted from me and I began to experience the inner peace I'd been searching for all of my life and it wasn't fleeting; it continued, and continues, to deepen. I can tell you that the people in my life are very happy that I do this work; I think the acid test is that members of my family, who have no interest in The Work, sometimes ask me if I would please talk to Cousin So-and-so.
I've seen similar reactions in my clients and in people I know who have attended the School for The Work. They arrive because they've tried so many things and they don't know what to do any more; they exit transformed, sometimes unrecognizable. Where once they refused to let anything in, they become receptive, open listeners. They stop beating themselves. They forgive themselves and others. They don't get derailed when they don't get their way.
Byron Katie says, "All sadness is a minor tantrum." You know what happens when a child doesn't get what they want: they throw a tantrum. If a child learned that this brought about the desired results, he or she would throw one at every opportunity. What happens more often is that eventually, the child stops crying and screaming and gets up off the floor. Similarly, we may throw tantrums in our adult lives because we believe if we yell loudly enough, God or the Universe or our loved ones will hear us and things will change. With The Work, we come to see that tantrums only lead to more tantrums, and how exhausting and fruitless that has been...but only for our entire lives!
Depression for me is believing depressing thoughts; we can't stop those from arising, but we can meet them with understanding. Anyone, no matter how depressed, can answer questions, which is what The Work is: inquiry. It takes a little willingness, and sometimes when we're very depressed we don't have the willingness; we "know" we're right and that everything is terrible and always will be! The point is not to force yourself to do The Work but to do it when there is an opening and a desire for freedom from the bondage of depressing thoughts. Pretty soon I found that I very much wanted to do it; the willingness to consider I might be mistaken about what I thought I knew for sure, the willingness to try on different points of view increased with time and practice. The more willing I am, the happier I become. I don't relate to the label "depressive" anymore.
Jessica: What is the root of depression and how do we address it?
Carol: I'm not a brain scientist, doctor or therapist, so what I talk about here is in the realm of ideas. I encourage anyone who feels hopeless or suicidal to seek treatment with a licensed professional...and it if serves, do The Work in addition as it will dovetail with any treatment. That's how I addressed my depression; I didn't leave therapy. After just a year of doing The Work, my therapist of many, many years deemed it time for me to quit. That was in 2002 and I haven't felt the need to go back; I would if I needed to.
I work with people who are in therapy and take medications and who do The Work as well, with their doctors' blessings. They tell me it enhances their treatment, and why wouldn't it? With The Work, we do a kind of meditation where we sit with the thoughts rather than trying to override or change them. Putting the thoughts down in writing serves to stop a troubled mind long enough for some clarity to seep in. The questions keep the mind disciplined and focused in much the way repeating a mantra does. I like to say The Work is meditation for people who are too "mental" to meditate in the traditional way.
In my life, arguing with reality shows up as depression and I have done plenty of that! I had a challenging childhood to say the least, along with some depressing situations throughout my life, including a mentally ill parent, several career setbacks and an interesting immune system. I was also told that my depression was biological in nature, whatever that means, that it was hereditary and that I'd be living with it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, I'm wondering where it went, as I still have the same body and brain!
There may be different physical predispositions to depression: hormonal or physical changes, having a certain kind of brain chemistry where the neurotransmitters aren't doing what they're meant to do, a family history of depression. I don't know much about how that works, but I do know we can't do anything about those things with inquiry—the body is what it is. However, we can perhaps run a better software program than the one we've been running in the hardware we can't change. And the latter may not be true, by the way, as studies in neuroplasticity are showing us that biology isn't destiny and the brain is more changeable than we knew previously.
As for situational depression that seems to become hardwired over time: of course we can't take away a traumatic childhood, but we can look at that childhood in less traumatic ways. We can't stop depressing thoughts from coming in, but what we can do is say: "This is what happened, or this is what is happening, and what can I do now given the situation?" We can look at the thoughts that depress us the most, such as "The world isn't safe" or "I never get what I need" or "Nobody loves me" and see if they are 100% true for us. We can examine how we live our lives, not from reality, but out of belief. With awareness comes the possibility for change.
Whether or not if I start out convinced that a thought is true, I'm not out to change my mind when I question my beliefs; I'm developing self-awareness. How do I react when I believe the thought "nobody loves me?" How have I lived my life? Is this where any addictions kick in? How do I treat friends, family, partners, prospective partners when I believe this thought? When did the belief first occur to me? How has it served me to hold the belief? Who would I be, how would I live my life, if I didn't believe this thought? And notice I said "if." I never have to drop a stressful belief; but upon examination, seeing where I have been exaggerating or mistaken, seeing the cost involved in believing the thought, the thought might drop away of its own accord, or at the very least, have less "charge" to it when it comes around again.
Jessica: Can you give me some examples of common "escape clauses" people use to justify their behavior or beliefs?
Carol: There are only four, as far as I can tell: "Yeah, but..." "What if...?" "Because..." and "I know." These little phrases stop inquiry dead in its tracks.
Jessica: I've heard that to overcome resistance and help others who might be acting "stubborn" you have to know how to ask the right questions. When I struggle with relationships with other people, should I be asking them or myself these four questions?
Carol: To ask others these questions without someone's permission or interest would be unkind and unhelpful. If I think someone is stubborn, I may want to question that. Maybe they are right not to budge from their position. Maybe it's for my benefit. Where am I being stubborn in wanting them do to what I want? That's where inquiry is helpful. Their stubbornness is not my business. That doesn't mean that they will always be resistant, and it doesn't mean I will be their doormat either, but I need to examine my motives, my supposed needs, before entering into negotiations. I've seen people use The Work as a weapon; that, to me, is just the worst thing you can do. It leaves you with the idea that war and manipulation work. Sure, they do, until they don't. In the end you are always left with yourself.
Jessica: How do we turn around our thoughts? Have you seen people become freer when they open up to the possibility of the opposite?
Carol: I want to emphasize that the turnaround is the very last part of The Work for a reason. If we simply turn a thought around, it becomes either an affirmation (if it's a "positive" turnaround, such as "The world isn't safe"—"The world is safe") or yet another stick with which to beat oneself (if it's a "negative" turnaround, such as "Nobody loves me"—"I don't love myself.") When you jump to the turnarounds you leave yourself unconvinced, disconnected, dissatisfied. Give yourself the education of the four questions, and then when you reach the turnaround, it will have meaning for you.
Absolutely, people become freer when they open to the possibilities of the turnarounds. They begin to see what else could be as true or truer in what I call the parallel universe of peace. I call it a parallel universe because we're not out to wipe out the original statement; we're just seeing what else is available. (And afterwards, we may not want or need to return to that other universe.)
We don't just stop at the turnarounds; for each turnaround we attempt to find at least three examples of how the turnaround could be as true or truer. Often, someone who thought they didn't even have one example comes up with more than three as the mind opens.
We also keep an awareness of our turnarounds and see how we can live them out. What's different about our behavior, our relationships, our communication, our energy, when we live our turnarounds? "There's something wrong with me—there's something right with me." Even the body feels different. As I was writing that statement, I noticed myself sitting up straighter—body tends to follow the mind—and perhaps not coincidentally, one second afterwards the sun came out and flooded my office. I really noticed it, took it in and enjoyed the heck out of it; acknowledgment from the Universe? No, just appreciating what is always available...the support of the chair, the air I breathe that is freely given to all of us, the remembrance of a delicious and well-deserved lunch waiting for me in the kitchen.
Jessica: Can you tell a story about the epiphany of "what if depression is not the enemy? What if we don't have to fight it?"
Carol: My depression has always brought me home, every time. It's my teacher. I can recall a time when I was doing The Work for a couple of years and my depression came back big-time. I started doing all the things I had been doing before: blaming and hating myself, feeling hopeless and ashamed, isolating. The difference was that I was very aware of what I was thinking and how I was reacting. I continued to do The Work, not to feel better (because it wasn't making me feel better), but because I had developed this addictive love of the truth and would settle for nothing less. I had to drag myself to the computer (my preferred way of filling out the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet) and force myself to call friends to facilitate me, but I did it. It took about six months for the fog to lift. During that time, I learned a lot about myself, and about how much love and grace were in my "terrible" life. If I had been happy-happy-joy-joy all that time, I wouldn't have the peace and clarity I have now. If depression returns, I know it is for my highest good; it's there to show me that I'm believing in nightmares. It's there to spur me to wake up some more.
Jessica: Can you tell us about your role as a facilitator of The Work?
Carol: I'm a Certified Facilitator with the Institute for The Work (see http://www.InstituteForTheWork.com), which means that I have been trained and approved by Byron Katie, the founder of The Work, to provide a pure experience of inquiry. I also serve as a mentor and instructor to facilitators in training. In my private practice, I hold a safe space for my clients to examine their stressful thoughts, express themselves openly and honestly and find their own answers. I help you stay on track when the mind wanders or wants to defend…point out underlying beliefs unearthed during sessions…and suggest different angles to the four questions that may not have occurred to you. This is meant to assist you in making your way to your own answers and tap into the knowledge we all have equally.
I see my role as an educator. As such, I provide my clients with clear, practical, individually tailored assignments designed to encourage and support you to inquire more deeply on your own. I have also created learning materials to help you on your journey. A new ebook entitled "Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression" is in the works; if you subscribe to my newsletter you'll be among the first to know when it becomes available.
I facilitate The Work in person, by telephone, and through teleclasses, introductory programs and weekend workshops anywhere in the world. You can learn more about my services and contact me through my website, ClearLifeSolutions.com. Please also visit the official website of The Work of Byron Katie.
©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Jessica: What types of reactions/releases do you see from depressed people after they go through The Work?
Carol: Well, I'm one of those people, so I'll speak from my own experience. I received the diagnosis of clinical depression in my early 20s and I remember being depressed since early childhood. It didn't ever take much to send me into a spiral of hopelessness, disappointment, extreme sadness, resentment, self-hatred...and in adulthood, I had tried a lot of different things: therapies, meditation techniques, antidepressants, supplements, exercise, diet. All helped to some degree but never got at the source of what was troubling me. I tried to escape into food, relationships, spiritual woowoo. Shortly after I began doing The Work, a weight lifted from me and I began to experience the inner peace I'd been searching for all of my life and it wasn't fleeting; it continued, and continues, to deepen. I can tell you that the people in my life are very happy that I do this work; I think the acid test is that members of my family, who have no interest in The Work, sometimes ask me if I would please talk to Cousin So-and-so.
I've seen similar reactions in my clients and in people I know who have attended the School for The Work. They arrive because they've tried so many things and they don't know what to do any more; they exit transformed, sometimes unrecognizable. Where once they refused to let anything in, they become receptive, open listeners. They stop beating themselves. They forgive themselves and others. They don't get derailed when they don't get their way.
Byron Katie says, "All sadness is a minor tantrum." You know what happens when a child doesn't get what they want: they throw a tantrum. If a child learned that this brought about the desired results, he or she would throw one at every opportunity. What happens more often is that eventually, the child stops crying and screaming and gets up off the floor. Similarly, we may throw tantrums in our adult lives because we believe if we yell loudly enough, God or the Universe or our loved ones will hear us and things will change. With The Work, we come to see that tantrums only lead to more tantrums, and how exhausting and fruitless that has been...but only for our entire lives!
Depression for me is believing depressing thoughts; we can't stop those from arising, but we can meet them with understanding. Anyone, no matter how depressed, can answer questions, which is what The Work is: inquiry. It takes a little willingness, and sometimes when we're very depressed we don't have the willingness; we "know" we're right and that everything is terrible and always will be! The point is not to force yourself to do The Work but to do it when there is an opening and a desire for freedom from the bondage of depressing thoughts. Pretty soon I found that I very much wanted to do it; the willingness to consider I might be mistaken about what I thought I knew for sure, the willingness to try on different points of view increased with time and practice. The more willing I am, the happier I become. I don't relate to the label "depressive" anymore.
Jessica: What is the root of depression and how do we address it?
Carol: I'm not a brain scientist, doctor or therapist, so what I talk about here is in the realm of ideas. I encourage anyone who feels hopeless or suicidal to seek treatment with a licensed professional...and it if serves, do The Work in addition as it will dovetail with any treatment. That's how I addressed my depression; I didn't leave therapy. After just a year of doing The Work, my therapist of many, many years deemed it time for me to quit. That was in 2002 and I haven't felt the need to go back; I would if I needed to.
I work with people who are in therapy and take medications and who do The Work as well, with their doctors' blessings. They tell me it enhances their treatment, and why wouldn't it? With The Work, we do a kind of meditation where we sit with the thoughts rather than trying to override or change them. Putting the thoughts down in writing serves to stop a troubled mind long enough for some clarity to seep in. The questions keep the mind disciplined and focused in much the way repeating a mantra does. I like to say The Work is meditation for people who are too "mental" to meditate in the traditional way.
In my life, arguing with reality shows up as depression and I have done plenty of that! I had a challenging childhood to say the least, along with some depressing situations throughout my life, including a mentally ill parent, several career setbacks and an interesting immune system. I was also told that my depression was biological in nature, whatever that means, that it was hereditary and that I'd be living with it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, I'm wondering where it went, as I still have the same body and brain!
There may be different physical predispositions to depression: hormonal or physical changes, having a certain kind of brain chemistry where the neurotransmitters aren't doing what they're meant to do, a family history of depression. I don't know much about how that works, but I do know we can't do anything about those things with inquiry—the body is what it is. However, we can perhaps run a better software program than the one we've been running in the hardware we can't change. And the latter may not be true, by the way, as studies in neuroplasticity are showing us that biology isn't destiny and the brain is more changeable than we knew previously.
As for situational depression that seems to become hardwired over time: of course we can't take away a traumatic childhood, but we can look at that childhood in less traumatic ways. We can't stop depressing thoughts from coming in, but what we can do is say: "This is what happened, or this is what is happening, and what can I do now given the situation?" We can look at the thoughts that depress us the most, such as "The world isn't safe" or "I never get what I need" or "Nobody loves me" and see if they are 100% true for us. We can examine how we live our lives, not from reality, but out of belief. With awareness comes the possibility for change.
Whether or not if I start out convinced that a thought is true, I'm not out to change my mind when I question my beliefs; I'm developing self-awareness. How do I react when I believe the thought "nobody loves me?" How have I lived my life? Is this where any addictions kick in? How do I treat friends, family, partners, prospective partners when I believe this thought? When did the belief first occur to me? How has it served me to hold the belief? Who would I be, how would I live my life, if I didn't believe this thought? And notice I said "if." I never have to drop a stressful belief; but upon examination, seeing where I have been exaggerating or mistaken, seeing the cost involved in believing the thought, the thought might drop away of its own accord, or at the very least, have less "charge" to it when it comes around again.
Jessica: Can you give me some examples of common "escape clauses" people use to justify their behavior or beliefs?
Carol: There are only four, as far as I can tell: "Yeah, but..." "What if...?" "Because..." and "I know." These little phrases stop inquiry dead in its tracks.
Jessica: I've heard that to overcome resistance and help others who might be acting "stubborn" you have to know how to ask the right questions. When I struggle with relationships with other people, should I be asking them or myself these four questions?
Carol: To ask others these questions without someone's permission or interest would be unkind and unhelpful. If I think someone is stubborn, I may want to question that. Maybe they are right not to budge from their position. Maybe it's for my benefit. Where am I being stubborn in wanting them do to what I want? That's where inquiry is helpful. Their stubbornness is not my business. That doesn't mean that they will always be resistant, and it doesn't mean I will be their doormat either, but I need to examine my motives, my supposed needs, before entering into negotiations. I've seen people use The Work as a weapon; that, to me, is just the worst thing you can do. It leaves you with the idea that war and manipulation work. Sure, they do, until they don't. In the end you are always left with yourself.
Jessica: How do we turn around our thoughts? Have you seen people become freer when they open up to the possibility of the opposite?
Carol: I want to emphasize that the turnaround is the very last part of The Work for a reason. If we simply turn a thought around, it becomes either an affirmation (if it's a "positive" turnaround, such as "The world isn't safe"—"The world is safe") or yet another stick with which to beat oneself (if it's a "negative" turnaround, such as "Nobody loves me"—"I don't love myself.") When you jump to the turnarounds you leave yourself unconvinced, disconnected, dissatisfied. Give yourself the education of the four questions, and then when you reach the turnaround, it will have meaning for you.
Absolutely, people become freer when they open to the possibilities of the turnarounds. They begin to see what else could be as true or truer in what I call the parallel universe of peace. I call it a parallel universe because we're not out to wipe out the original statement; we're just seeing what else is available. (And afterwards, we may not want or need to return to that other universe.)
We don't just stop at the turnarounds; for each turnaround we attempt to find at least three examples of how the turnaround could be as true or truer. Often, someone who thought they didn't even have one example comes up with more than three as the mind opens.
We also keep an awareness of our turnarounds and see how we can live them out. What's different about our behavior, our relationships, our communication, our energy, when we live our turnarounds? "There's something wrong with me—there's something right with me." Even the body feels different. As I was writing that statement, I noticed myself sitting up straighter—body tends to follow the mind—and perhaps not coincidentally, one second afterwards the sun came out and flooded my office. I really noticed it, took it in and enjoyed the heck out of it; acknowledgment from the Universe? No, just appreciating what is always available...the support of the chair, the air I breathe that is freely given to all of us, the remembrance of a delicious and well-deserved lunch waiting for me in the kitchen.
Jessica: Can you tell a story about the epiphany of "what if depression is not the enemy? What if we don't have to fight it?"
Carol: My depression has always brought me home, every time. It's my teacher. I can recall a time when I was doing The Work for a couple of years and my depression came back big-time. I started doing all the things I had been doing before: blaming and hating myself, feeling hopeless and ashamed, isolating. The difference was that I was very aware of what I was thinking and how I was reacting. I continued to do The Work, not to feel better (because it wasn't making me feel better), but because I had developed this addictive love of the truth and would settle for nothing less. I had to drag myself to the computer (my preferred way of filling out the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet) and force myself to call friends to facilitate me, but I did it. It took about six months for the fog to lift. During that time, I learned a lot about myself, and about how much love and grace were in my "terrible" life. If I had been happy-happy-joy-joy all that time, I wouldn't have the peace and clarity I have now. If depression returns, I know it is for my highest good; it's there to show me that I'm believing in nightmares. It's there to spur me to wake up some more.
Jessica: Can you tell us about your role as a facilitator of The Work?
Carol: I'm a Certified Facilitator with the Institute for The Work (see http://www.InstituteForTheWork.com), which means that I have been trained and approved by Byron Katie, the founder of The Work, to provide a pure experience of inquiry. I also serve as a mentor and instructor to facilitators in training. In my private practice, I hold a safe space for my clients to examine their stressful thoughts, express themselves openly and honestly and find their own answers. I help you stay on track when the mind wanders or wants to defend…point out underlying beliefs unearthed during sessions…and suggest different angles to the four questions that may not have occurred to you. This is meant to assist you in making your way to your own answers and tap into the knowledge we all have equally.
I see my role as an educator. As such, I provide my clients with clear, practical, individually tailored assignments designed to encourage and support you to inquire more deeply on your own. I have also created learning materials to help you on your journey. A new ebook entitled "Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression" is in the works; if you subscribe to my newsletter you'll be among the first to know when it becomes available.
I facilitate The Work in person, by telephone, and through teleclasses, introductory programs and weekend workshops anywhere in the world. You can learn more about my services and contact me through my website, ClearLifeSolutions.com. Please also visit the official website of The Work of Byron Katie.
©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
June 5, 2007
New Woo-hoo Review! From Molly Gordon
The kudos continue for Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work.
My colleague and friend in The Work, Molly Gordon of Authentic Promotion© , writes:
"My only complaint about Carol Skolnick’s new eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is that, at $14.95, it is seriously under-priced....as for the rest, this little gem is a delight to read as well as a practical guide to healing your heart and regaining sanity at work.
"It is rare for an eBook to be as lucid, complete, and practical as this one. At a mere 95 pages it won’t poop-out your printer or cause your eyes to glaze over. It will repay your thoughtful, open-hearted attention a thousand fold."
—Molly Gordon, Master Certified Coach
Shaboom Inc.
Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work, by Carol L. Skolnick.
Available from Clear Life Solutions
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/clearlifestore.htm
(It's the second eBook listed on the page.)
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
April 25, 2007
Ask a Facilitator
Do you have questions about The Work of Byron Katie? Whether you are a facilitator yourself, have been using inquiry for awhile or are just learning, you may have specific questions about...well, about the specific questions! I would love to help you out if I can, so please address your questions to me at carol (at) clearlifesolutions.com. If I have a good answer I'll publish it in the Transformational Inquiry newsletter (subscribe here).
Hi Carol,
I have a question I hope you can shed some light on. In Loving What Is on page 59 (paperback edition), there is an example from Marisa: "I look forward to feeling my happiness depends on somebody loving me." I guess this is the turnaround to number 6. In the context of her example, what does this mean, since Katie has already pointed out that individuals are responsible for their own happiness?
Thanks, Carol.
J.
Dear J.,
Yes, that is a #6 turnaround ("I am willing to..." "I look forward to...") and correct, we are responsible for our own happiness, but only if we want to be happy! You could wait a long time for someone else to do it for you...your entire life, maybe.
In this example from Loving What Is, Marisa was coming to the end of her inquiry on her husband's affair. She had approached the stage very upset and believing she had been irreparably wronged. This is a great example of how to do The Work on a situation that everyone would agree is very difficult.
The "I look forward" part is about embracing all that is, and that includes any and all mechanisms of the mind that we continue to find disturbing after doing The Work. This turnaround for statement 6 on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet opens us to life and thought as they unfold. "I look forward to feeling my happiness depends on somebody loving me" because it could happen, I could experience that feeling again. If I do, and it hurts, it means I have work to do. I look forward to seeing what's left for me to bring back to inquiry. Every stressful thought arises so that I can question the mind and come to know my truth.
For more about The Turnaround to Number 6, see pages 102-103 of Loving What Is.
Love,
Carol
Dear Carol,
I attended The School for The Work and I have a facilitation question. When I'm sharing The Work of Byron Katie, some people get hung up on Question 4 ("Who would you be without this thought?") in the following way: if they have a thought that contains practical information, they do not want to go to "life without the thought" because they fear that doing so will open them up to harmful inaction (e.g. if I did not have the thought "I have cancer," then I would not seek medical attention).
Do you know of a simple, effective way to keep The Work on track in this kind of situation?
Many thanks,
H.
Dear H.,
Your example is what I like to call a "yeahbut," a way of staying in the story. It comes from the fear that if we didn't believe the thought, we wouldn't take care of ourselves, we'd be a doormat, we'd be delusional and living in la-la land.
Oftentimes if I sense resistance before we hit question 4, I'll ask, at the end of question 3, "What is the worst thing that could happen if you no longer believed this thought?" or "What do you fear would happen if you didn't live out of this belief?" Then I ask the client to turn the fear around to see if it could be as true or truer. ("If I didn't believe this thought, I wouldn't go to the doctor. If I didn't believe this thought, I would go to the doctor." Or, "If I did believe this thought, I wouldn't go to the doctor." Ultimately it's not about the thought, it's what we think it means; for instance, "If I have cancer, it means I'm going to die.")
In this way, by the time question 4 rolls around, the fear has been addressed which leaves them free to imagine living out of present-moment reality, rather than belief.
If it persists, I ask the question, "What would a clear mind do in the same situation?" (Some day I'll print up bumper stickers and tee shirts with "WWACMD"!) Some clients find it easier to answer question 4 from this perspective.
If the client doesn't want to be without the thought, it's okay for them to keep it; we simply proceed to the turnaround. Realizations come when they come...in questions 1-4, in the turnaround, or six months later in the shower.
Love,
Carol
Dear Carol,
Thanks SO much for your wonderful blog. I have enjoyed all your articles.
I am dealing with god-awful morning sickness "plus" due to pregnancy-I can't eat, can't keep anything down, feel sick on an empty stomach also. I can barely cope with working or taking care of my son. I had the same problem with my last pregnancy. How do I work this? I have tried various ways, but nothing seems to help. It is true that I feel miserable and while I want the pregnancy I do not love nausea and vomiting and cannot convince myself that I do.
Thanks for any pointers!
Love,
Mother-to-Be
Hi M-t-B,
You can't force yourself to love your pregnancy-induced nausea. Doing The Work with this motive will leave you feeling unsatisfied and disconnected. I wouldn't go there.
For the love of truth, you could work on "Pregnancy shouldn't be nauseating" and see where it takes you. (Readers, try this with any physical symptoms: "I shouldn't have a headache," "I need to breathe freely." "My legs should not be paralyzed.") Instead of fighting with the sensations of nausea, try sitting with them in meditation as you hold the question, "Is it true?" It could be lovely, as you embrace your sweet self as you would a colicky little baby.
Who would you be in the presence of nausea and vomiting if you couldn't believe it shouldn't be there? How would you take care of yourself...of your son...without this thought?
You can also use inquiry to loosen some of that mortar holding the brick of that central belief in place. "I can't take good care of my son" (and it means that....). "I can't work when I'm sick." "I need to eat now."
What do you fear would happen if you didn't believe you shouldn't be nauseated?
Love,
Carol
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Hi Carol,
I have a question I hope you can shed some light on. In Loving What Is on page 59 (paperback edition), there is an example from Marisa: "I look forward to feeling my happiness depends on somebody loving me." I guess this is the turnaround to number 6. In the context of her example, what does this mean, since Katie has already pointed out that individuals are responsible for their own happiness?
Thanks, Carol.
J.
Dear J.,
Yes, that is a #6 turnaround ("I am willing to..." "I look forward to...") and correct, we are responsible for our own happiness, but only if we want to be happy! You could wait a long time for someone else to do it for you...your entire life, maybe.
In this example from Loving What Is, Marisa was coming to the end of her inquiry on her husband's affair. She had approached the stage very upset and believing she had been irreparably wronged. This is a great example of how to do The Work on a situation that everyone would agree is very difficult.
The "I look forward" part is about embracing all that is, and that includes any and all mechanisms of the mind that we continue to find disturbing after doing The Work. This turnaround for statement 6 on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet opens us to life and thought as they unfold. "I look forward to feeling my happiness depends on somebody loving me" because it could happen, I could experience that feeling again. If I do, and it hurts, it means I have work to do. I look forward to seeing what's left for me to bring back to inquiry. Every stressful thought arises so that I can question the mind and come to know my truth.
For more about The Turnaround to Number 6, see pages 102-103 of Loving What Is.
Love,
Carol
Dear Carol,
I attended The School for The Work and I have a facilitation question. When I'm sharing The Work of Byron Katie, some people get hung up on Question 4 ("Who would you be without this thought?") in the following way: if they have a thought that contains practical information, they do not want to go to "life without the thought" because they fear that doing so will open them up to harmful inaction (e.g. if I did not have the thought "I have cancer," then I would not seek medical attention).
Do you know of a simple, effective way to keep The Work on track in this kind of situation?
Many thanks,
H.
Dear H.,
Your example is what I like to call a "yeahbut," a way of staying in the story. It comes from the fear that if we didn't believe the thought, we wouldn't take care of ourselves, we'd be a doormat, we'd be delusional and living in la-la land.
Oftentimes if I sense resistance before we hit question 4, I'll ask, at the end of question 3, "What is the worst thing that could happen if you no longer believed this thought?" or "What do you fear would happen if you didn't live out of this belief?" Then I ask the client to turn the fear around to see if it could be as true or truer. ("If I didn't believe this thought, I wouldn't go to the doctor. If I didn't believe this thought, I would go to the doctor." Or, "If I did believe this thought, I wouldn't go to the doctor." Ultimately it's not about the thought, it's what we think it means; for instance, "If I have cancer, it means I'm going to die.")
In this way, by the time question 4 rolls around, the fear has been addressed which leaves them free to imagine living out of present-moment reality, rather than belief.
If it persists, I ask the question, "What would a clear mind do in the same situation?" (Some day I'll print up bumper stickers and tee shirts with "WWACMD"!) Some clients find it easier to answer question 4 from this perspective.
If the client doesn't want to be without the thought, it's okay for them to keep it; we simply proceed to the turnaround. Realizations come when they come...in questions 1-4, in the turnaround, or six months later in the shower.
Love,
Carol
Dear Carol,
Thanks SO much for your wonderful blog. I have enjoyed all your articles.
I am dealing with god-awful morning sickness "plus" due to pregnancy-I can't eat, can't keep anything down, feel sick on an empty stomach also. I can barely cope with working or taking care of my son. I had the same problem with my last pregnancy. How do I work this? I have tried various ways, but nothing seems to help. It is true that I feel miserable and while I want the pregnancy I do not love nausea and vomiting and cannot convince myself that I do.
Thanks for any pointers!
Love,
Mother-to-Be
Hi M-t-B,
You can't force yourself to love your pregnancy-induced nausea. Doing The Work with this motive will leave you feeling unsatisfied and disconnected. I wouldn't go there.
For the love of truth, you could work on "Pregnancy shouldn't be nauseating" and see where it takes you. (Readers, try this with any physical symptoms: "I shouldn't have a headache," "I need to breathe freely." "My legs should not be paralyzed.") Instead of fighting with the sensations of nausea, try sitting with them in meditation as you hold the question, "Is it true?" It could be lovely, as you embrace your sweet self as you would a colicky little baby.
Who would you be in the presence of nausea and vomiting if you couldn't believe it shouldn't be there? How would you take care of yourself...of your son...without this thought?
You can also use inquiry to loosen some of that mortar holding the brick of that central belief in place. "I can't take good care of my son" (and it means that....). "I can't work when I'm sick." "I need to eat now."
What do you fear would happen if you didn't believe you shouldn't be nauseated?
Love,
Carol
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
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