SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
Showing posts with label The Work at Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Work at Work. Show all posts
February 4, 2009
July 18, 2008
Focus On Facilitation: Using "Is the Universe Friendly?" with a Hard-to-Find Story
Einstein purportedly said that there was only one important question to ask: "Is the universe friendly?" I've noticed that the more I do The Work, the more open I am to the possibility that I do live in a friendly universe, even though "bad" things happen. If an issue feels unresolved after inquiry, there is usually an underlying belief that I haven't found or that hasn't yet been examined.
If an issue is particularly sticky for your client, even after turning it around, this exercise can help the client uncover and work with underlying beliefs that haven't come out in the course of inquiry.
Let's say my client is doing The Work on the thought "There's nothing good about my job." I as the facilitator don't dispute this as the client holds his belief up against the four-questions of inquiry, and sees how believing it affects his life and work.
The client turns the thought around: "There's plenty that's good about my job," and provides examples (he gets a paycheck, he gets benefits, he likes to have lunch with some of his co-workers). He examines the turnaround, "There's nothing good about my thinking (about my job)," and he finds where that could be as true or truer He says he can't find any more turnarounds.
I suggest the turnaround, "There's nothing bad about my job." The client still thinks there is something bad about it and doesn't want to go there.
"Okay," I say, "Tell me about that. What specifically is bad about your job?" He makes a list of his "proof," including:
He doesn't have enough to do.
Data entry is boring.'
Our data entry system is cumbersome and outdated.
The commute to and from the office is grueling.
There is no room for advancement.
Next, we get to see if any of these "proofs" truly means there is something bad about the job.
We start at the top: "I don't have enough to do."
I ask the client, "If the universe is friendly, why is this a good thing?"
He discovers three examples:
1. It gives him time and space to find ways to improve upon the task he has been assigned; in doing so, he actually becomes a more efficient employee, more valuable to the company.
2. It gives him time to job-hunt; so many other people who would like to change jobs are so overworked they can't find a way to keep their position while they researching other possibilities.
3. Sometimes he has time during the workday to do The Work on the things he doesn't like about his job! (Not that we're suggesting using work time as Work time; but this was his reality!)
There are stories behind every story. When the client looked for proof that his story was true, he excavated those deeper stories. Investigated, some of what the client thought was terrible about his job could be seen as positive aspects. Some of those "benefits" made the job more tolerable in the meantime, while others showed him a clear path to his next career move.
In a friendly universe—the parallel universe of peace—a boring, dead end job can be a bonus, a teacher, the perfect bend in the path. We need only look more closely in order to find the gifts.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
If an issue is particularly sticky for your client, even after turning it around, this exercise can help the client uncover and work with underlying beliefs that haven't come out in the course of inquiry.
Let's say my client is doing The Work on the thought "There's nothing good about my job." I as the facilitator don't dispute this as the client holds his belief up against the four-questions of inquiry, and sees how believing it affects his life and work.
The client turns the thought around: "There's plenty that's good about my job," and provides examples (he gets a paycheck, he gets benefits, he likes to have lunch with some of his co-workers). He examines the turnaround, "There's nothing good about my thinking (about my job)," and he finds where that could be as true or truer He says he can't find any more turnarounds.
I suggest the turnaround, "There's nothing bad about my job." The client still thinks there is something bad about it and doesn't want to go there.
"Okay," I say, "Tell me about that. What specifically is bad about your job?" He makes a list of his "proof," including:
He doesn't have enough to do.
Data entry is boring.'
Our data entry system is cumbersome and outdated.
The commute to and from the office is grueling.
There is no room for advancement.
Next, we get to see if any of these "proofs" truly means there is something bad about the job.
We start at the top: "I don't have enough to do."
I ask the client, "If the universe is friendly, why is this a good thing?"
He discovers three examples:
1. It gives him time and space to find ways to improve upon the task he has been assigned; in doing so, he actually becomes a more efficient employee, more valuable to the company.
2. It gives him time to job-hunt; so many other people who would like to change jobs are so overworked they can't find a way to keep their position while they researching other possibilities.
3. Sometimes he has time during the workday to do The Work on the things he doesn't like about his job! (Not that we're suggesting using work time as Work time; but this was his reality!)
There are stories behind every story. When the client looked for proof that his story was true, he excavated those deeper stories. Investigated, some of what the client thought was terrible about his job could be seen as positive aspects. Some of those "benefits" made the job more tolerable in the meantime, while others showed him a clear path to his next career move.
In a friendly universe—the parallel universe of peace—a boring, dead end job can be a bonus, a teacher, the perfect bend in the path. We need only look more closely in order to find the gifts.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
October 30, 2007
Love Your Work, Today...Cheap!
NOTE: OFFER HAS EXPIRED! but at $19.95, I'm told this eBook is still more than worth the price of admission. Thanks to all you early birds who ordered before Nov. 1. —CLS
Just a quick reminder (because I nearly forgot myself!) that there's just one more day left to receive my best-selling eBook (meaning it sells the best, out of the three I have available now :-) ) for the original "seriously under-priced" price of $14.95.*
Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is transforming my friends' experiences of work and career from the East Bay to Estonia.
"My boss should..." "My clients don't..." "I have no skills." "I should be doing something else." What keeps you from "Loving What's Biz?" With The Work, you can create lasting and radical change in the workplace by addressing the beliefs underlying the way you relate to your colleagues, your supervisors, your clients, your direct reports, and to yourself. 95 pages.
"Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work went beyond my expectations and thoroughly covered the topic with amazing clarity and insight. I found all the help I needed there. Your material is a great addition to Byron Katie's."
—Sandra Khoury, Certified Substance Abuse/Co-occurring
Disorders Counselor
Middlefield, CT
*"My only complaint about Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is that it is seriously under-priced. This little gem is a delight to read as well as a practical guide to healing your heart and regaining sanity at work. It is rare for an eBook to be as lucid, complete, and practical as this one. It will repay your thoughtful, open-hearted attention a thousand fold."
—Molly Gordon, Shaboom Inc.
The price of Working on Your Work increases to $19.95 on November 1, so don't wait to let this practical PDF guide enhance your experience of The Work as it applies to your professional life. Order before Nov. 1 and receive the as-yet unpublished report, "The Top 10 Erroneous Business Beliefs" as my early holiday gift to you.
To get your copy, click here:
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/clearlifestore.htm
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
October 17, 2007
Ask a Facilitator: Self-incrimination Using The Work at Work?
A fellow facilitator of The Work writes:
"Hi Carol,
I've been given the opportunity to introduce The Work to a department of our local council. One of the considerations they have is that it might be dificult to do it 'for real' because of the possibility of staff 'incriminating' themselves with their bosses and colleagues.
"I have introduced The Work to groups locally before but never had to consider anything like the above scenario, because the people the clients were doing The Work on were not physically present at the introduction.
"As I'm typing this, I'm thinking, 'Steer clear of work-related issues at the workshop and just use examples from participants' lives.' However, any tips would be appreciated."
—T.
Dear T.,
The issue of self-incrimination is so pervasive for so many people, I would address precisely that fear with your group!
You could have participants work on hypothetical scenarios like, "What's the worst that could happen if you told your boss/colleague/employee the truth?" Provide the group with a list of "universal work beliefs" like "My staff doesn't respect me," "I could lose my job," "My boss/colleague/assistant should listen to me," "There's not enough time," or "I need to earn more money." I'd give them a list of basic universal beliefs as well (thoughts like, "The world is a terrible place," or "Parents should love their children"), so that they will see the crossover applications of The Work to "real life." And they may feel safer to work publicly with those thoughts, as you suggest.
However, this need not even be public work. Invite participants to write down their answers, and then see what happens. I always like to model my own work as an ice-breaker. If no one volunteers to share, have them facilitate you on your beliefs. Afterwards, see if anyone wishes to share what they've written. When people see how candid I am (I might direct my thought at them: for instance, "I want you to like me."), and that there has been no terrible consequence for doing so, you open a door for others to do the same.
Who knows? They may relish the opportunity to work on someone present, or to be worked on by someone else. I've seen it happen many times; it is healing. If it's worrisome, you might ask group members to respect the 12-step suggestion, "What happens here stays here."
When we as facilitators have a concern like this for our groups, it's great to work on our own beliefs. "It's not going to go well." "The Work isn't safe to use in business." "I can do it wrong."
Warm regards,
Carol
P.S. The price of my very popular eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work goes up in two weeks, on November 1. Order it before the deadline for just $14.95 and I will send you a heretofore unpublished report, "The Top 10 Erroneous Business Beliefs: Are They Holding You Back?" as an early holiday gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
"Hi Carol,
I've been given the opportunity to introduce The Work to a department of our local council. One of the considerations they have is that it might be dificult to do it 'for real' because of the possibility of staff 'incriminating' themselves with their bosses and colleagues.
"I have introduced The Work to groups locally before but never had to consider anything like the above scenario, because the people the clients were doing The Work on were not physically present at the introduction.
"As I'm typing this, I'm thinking, 'Steer clear of work-related issues at the workshop and just use examples from participants' lives.' However, any tips would be appreciated."
—T.
Dear T.,
The issue of self-incrimination is so pervasive for so many people, I would address precisely that fear with your group!
You could have participants work on hypothetical scenarios like, "What's the worst that could happen if you told your boss/colleague/employee the truth?" Provide the group with a list of "universal work beliefs" like "My staff doesn't respect me," "I could lose my job," "My boss/colleague/assistant should listen to me," "There's not enough time," or "I need to earn more money." I'd give them a list of basic universal beliefs as well (thoughts like, "The world is a terrible place," or "Parents should love their children"), so that they will see the crossover applications of The Work to "real life." And they may feel safer to work publicly with those thoughts, as you suggest.
However, this need not even be public work. Invite participants to write down their answers, and then see what happens. I always like to model my own work as an ice-breaker. If no one volunteers to share, have them facilitate you on your beliefs. Afterwards, see if anyone wishes to share what they've written. When people see how candid I am (I might direct my thought at them: for instance, "I want you to like me."), and that there has been no terrible consequence for doing so, you open a door for others to do the same.
Who knows? They may relish the opportunity to work on someone present, or to be worked on by someone else. I've seen it happen many times; it is healing. If it's worrisome, you might ask group members to respect the 12-step suggestion, "What happens here stays here."
When we as facilitators have a concern like this for our groups, it's great to work on our own beliefs. "It's not going to go well." "The Work isn't safe to use in business." "I can do it wrong."
Warm regards,
Carol
P.S. The price of my very popular eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work goes up in two weeks, on November 1. Order it before the deadline for just $14.95 and I will send you a heretofore unpublished report, "The Top 10 Erroneous Business Beliefs: Are They Holding You Back?" as an early holiday gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
October 5, 2007
Molly Gordon Was RIght
Yup. Molly Gordon was correct. I've been getting a lot of eBook offers in my in-box lately, and it seems that my popular and well-reviewed eBook, Tranformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is indeed seriously underpriced for the marketplace, where eBooks of this magnitude are going for upwards of $50.00.
So on November 1, I'm going to raise the price of Working on Your Work to $19.95 (still seriously underpriced, I'm told, and that's fine with me).
That still leaves you a couple of weeks to order it for $14.95. And when you do, you'll receive the as-yet unpublished report, "The Top 10 Erroneous Business Beliefs: Are They Holding You Back?" as my early holiday gift to you.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
September 24, 2007
Why The Work Isn't Coaching (Yet, Coaches Love The Work
Every now and again I buy the story that my former creative marketing consultant self—who still lives in my head—likes to tell, and I start wondering if I could reach more people more effectively if I were a business or life coach.
However, every time I check out these options, I change my mind quickly. For my comfort level, there is too much emphasis in coach training programs on "effecting change," which is something I'm not interested in. Not that change isn't good; I just don't see myself as wanting or needing that for my clients, since I've largely stopped desiring change (even while I certainly welcome change) for myself. The Work has this way of making one realize that nothing ever has to change, no one ever has to change, I don't even have to change in order to be perfectly okay...although change for the good may indeed occur in an atmosphere of clarity.
This shift in consciousness doesn't allow me to write the kind of promotional copy that typically attracts business clients, so hoards of corporations aren't approaching me (yet). However, I can't think of a better skill to have in business than self-inquiry. (See my eBook, Transformational Inquiry, Working on Your Work, on this page.) Communication, mediation, stress reduction, Emotional Intelligence, crisis management...the applications of The Work to the world of work are numerous, and the modality is a natural for the executive coach with visionary clients.
Today I was looking at a website that shall remain nameless, a coaching institute in Southern California that I'd heard good things about. Their site is filled with terminology like "developing long term change strategies," "measuring coaching effectiveness," "assessment," "vision," and "executing and sustaining change." I lost interest in this school very quickly.
How is the effectiveness of coaching measured? I think it translates to this: you want something, I coach you, and if you get it, then my coaching was effective.
I try hard not to make promises about The Work based on what I think people want to hear. That's not the modus operandi of some practitioners, who promise the moon, with bonus stars and planets included if you act now. It always gives me pause to see this, because it's just too tempting for people to do The Work with the motive of "getting the goods." This, to me, misses the point of inquiry entirely.
Some business and life coaches latch onto The Work in this way: "Let's do The Work on the beliefs that are holding you back so that you can find direction, fulfill your vision, get what you want."
That's one way to use The Work, and here's what happens: if we don't appear to be getting what we think we want, we say, "The Work doesn't work." That's based on a belief: "It's working if I get what I want." We've been conditioned to live lives of wish-fulfillment, so no wonder the corporate structure is built on this. Try selling a business on the idea that "everything is unfolding as it should." It takes an enlightened captain of industry to recognize that sometimes, if we don't get what we think we want, we are spared...or that there are no mistakes...even while the success stories of Post-It notes (3M was looking to create a super-glue) and Ivory soap (it wasn't supposed to float), both product "failures," are legendary.
Say I am using The Work as a way of addressing body issues: I want to lose weight, or get buff. I work on my stressful beliefs about dieting or exercise, and I notice I'm going to the gym and eating better. Great; how long is this going to last if I have not touched upon underlying beliefs about the body and health? What happens if I don't get to the gym one week, should I do a worksheet and force myself? If I gain back a pound, does it mean I didn't do my work, or that The Work doesn't work? It feels almost violent to use The Work this way.
The Work ceases to work when we do it with a motive (other than out of the love of truth), because motivation is a stressor, loaded with shoulds, wants, and needs—the stuff of uncomfortable beliefs. It ceases to work when we don't answer the questions, because we're so attached to outcome. It doesn't work when we use the turnarounds as affirmations. ("I can't be a billionaire." "I can be a billionaire! Woohoo, I'm a money magnet!")
We may want to have a spouse, a slender body, or a fat bank account. We may want to bring our company to the next level. There is nothing wrong with these things; they are wonderful. How are we doing in the meantime? If I love what I am, what I have, what is, I am so much more available to my coach's coaching than when I am coming from a place of criticism, frustration, dissatisfaction, or greed.
So I love that coaches add The Work to their toolkits for clients to know themselves better. (That's what my coach does.) And in the world of work, it could be that we can be more present and efficient, more approachable as supervisors, more creative as leaders, when we come from a place of clarity rather than a stressful place of the desire to effect change.
To learn more about The Work at Work, join my mailing list at ClearLifeSolutions.com. With your complimentary subscription to the Transformational Inquiry ezine, you'll receive The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work as my gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
However, every time I check out these options, I change my mind quickly. For my comfort level, there is too much emphasis in coach training programs on "effecting change," which is something I'm not interested in. Not that change isn't good; I just don't see myself as wanting or needing that for my clients, since I've largely stopped desiring change (even while I certainly welcome change) for myself. The Work has this way of making one realize that nothing ever has to change, no one ever has to change, I don't even have to change in order to be perfectly okay...although change for the good may indeed occur in an atmosphere of clarity.
This shift in consciousness doesn't allow me to write the kind of promotional copy that typically attracts business clients, so hoards of corporations aren't approaching me (yet). However, I can't think of a better skill to have in business than self-inquiry. (See my eBook, Transformational Inquiry, Working on Your Work, on this page.) Communication, mediation, stress reduction, Emotional Intelligence, crisis management...the applications of The Work to the world of work are numerous, and the modality is a natural for the executive coach with visionary clients.
Today I was looking at a website that shall remain nameless, a coaching institute in Southern California that I'd heard good things about. Their site is filled with terminology like "developing long term change strategies," "measuring coaching effectiveness," "assessment," "vision," and "executing and sustaining change." I lost interest in this school very quickly.
How is the effectiveness of coaching measured? I think it translates to this: you want something, I coach you, and if you get it, then my coaching was effective.
I try hard not to make promises about The Work based on what I think people want to hear. That's not the modus operandi of some practitioners, who promise the moon, with bonus stars and planets included if you act now. It always gives me pause to see this, because it's just too tempting for people to do The Work with the motive of "getting the goods." This, to me, misses the point of inquiry entirely.
Some business and life coaches latch onto The Work in this way: "Let's do The Work on the beliefs that are holding you back so that you can find direction, fulfill your vision, get what you want."
That's one way to use The Work, and here's what happens: if we don't appear to be getting what we think we want, we say, "The Work doesn't work." That's based on a belief: "It's working if I get what I want." We've been conditioned to live lives of wish-fulfillment, so no wonder the corporate structure is built on this. Try selling a business on the idea that "everything is unfolding as it should." It takes an enlightened captain of industry to recognize that sometimes, if we don't get what we think we want, we are spared...or that there are no mistakes...even while the success stories of Post-It notes (3M was looking to create a super-glue) and Ivory soap (it wasn't supposed to float), both product "failures," are legendary.
Say I am using The Work as a way of addressing body issues: I want to lose weight, or get buff. I work on my stressful beliefs about dieting or exercise, and I notice I'm going to the gym and eating better. Great; how long is this going to last if I have not touched upon underlying beliefs about the body and health? What happens if I don't get to the gym one week, should I do a worksheet and force myself? If I gain back a pound, does it mean I didn't do my work, or that The Work doesn't work? It feels almost violent to use The Work this way.
The Work ceases to work when we do it with a motive (other than out of the love of truth), because motivation is a stressor, loaded with shoulds, wants, and needs—the stuff of uncomfortable beliefs. It ceases to work when we don't answer the questions, because we're so attached to outcome. It doesn't work when we use the turnarounds as affirmations. ("I can't be a billionaire." "I can be a billionaire! Woohoo, I'm a money magnet!")
We may want to have a spouse, a slender body, or a fat bank account. We may want to bring our company to the next level. There is nothing wrong with these things; they are wonderful. How are we doing in the meantime? If I love what I am, what I have, what is, I am so much more available to my coach's coaching than when I am coming from a place of criticism, frustration, dissatisfaction, or greed.
So I love that coaches add The Work to their toolkits for clients to know themselves better. (That's what my coach does.) And in the world of work, it could be that we can be more present and efficient, more approachable as supervisors, more creative as leaders, when we come from a place of clarity rather than a stressful place of the desire to effect change.
To learn more about The Work at Work, join my mailing list at ClearLifeSolutions.com. With your complimentary subscription to the Transformational Inquiry ezine, you'll receive The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work as my gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
September 2, 2007
Judge Your Competitors!
If you believe the thought, "There is competition," then you will have thoughts about those with whom you believe you are competing. This could be someone in the same or similar business as yours...the sports team playing opposite yours...other single men besides you desiring the attention of the same woman...the other students in your class...other contestants vying for the same prize...people whom you think are better looking than you are.
Here's a piece on some of my "competitors."
Belief: They are selling something worthless.
Is that true? No. Many people buy what they sell, so it must be worth something to them.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
Inner eye-rolling occurs as I harshly judge what they're offering. I deem their product inferior, ineffective, derivative, lame. I see them as used car salesman, misleading people just to make a buck, all flash and no substance. I undercut their prices and self-righteously see their fees as too expensive. (I undercut my own prices when I do this, so that strategy's not so good!) I try to find and broadcast ways that my credentials trump those of the competition. (This could be seen as smart marketing, except it doesn't feel right to me. Honestly I can't think of a single credential I have that makes me better qualified than anyone else. If you are happy with someone's work and you benefit from the transaction, they're qualified.)
I feel separate from my competitors (I hate calling them that). I look down on them. I don't respect them. I don't attempt to form mutually beneficial partnerships with them. I don't steer business their way even when it makes good sense to as a service to my clients or to people I'm unable to work with; it might mean people would see more value in my competitors' products and services than in mine.
The first time this thought occured to me, I was a young woman, working for a respected and growing publishing company as the promotions manager. The new public relations director (she was my age, and we resembled and were frequently miskaten for each other) was getting a lot of attention and kudos from the higher-ups for ideas that were similar to ones I had previously presented myself. It felt like having a twin sister who was just like me, except our parents preferred her! I was very jealous of and intimidated by her status as the new department golden girl, and I stopped putting forth my best efforts, seeing our superiors as fools for falling for her "schtick." I got out of the department and into another one as soon as I could, so that I could be the star again.
"They're selling something worthless." What a stressful thought! When I think it, I'm looking for a superiority payoff, but it only keeps me in the uncomfortable position of opponent.
Who would I be without this thought? I would realize that there is room for me, for them, and for everyone, and that all of us are offering something of value to someone.
I'd be more curious about their products and services, in a way that could turn out to be very educational for me, in terms of understanding where people spend their money and time, and why.
I'd be more of an innovator, without having to see my offerings as better than anyone else's.
I'd admire and respect my "competitors" as colleagues, and I would be in community with them, trust them, encourage them.
I would be out of their business, literally, and in my own...more interested in developing my company out of my vision, my expertise, my creativity, my integrity, as opposed to comparing myself to others. I would charge what feels right to me, whether it's more or less money than my colleagues charge.
Turned around: "They're selling something worthwhile." This could be just as true if not truer. They are providing something that some people want, and charging what the market will bear. I am often blown away by the brilliance they exhibit in packaging their services the way they do, creating more value through all sorts of incentives and extras. It's not my way, and it's a perfectly good way.
Another turnaround: "I'm selling something worthless." I've had that thought; selling an image is worthless. Selling a promise is less than worthless! Workshops featuring new ways of applying The Work are just fine, as long as they really serve my clients and are not merely capitalizing on trends that are meaningless to me. Doing my work with all my heart is the only thing of value here. Realizing this helps me to craft marketing messages with integrity, communicate cleanly, and create new products and services that I love and feel good about putting forth in the world.
"I'm selling myself something worthless." That would be the ideas, which I've bought for a long time, that "the competition" isn't good enough, that they are luring unsuspecting innocent people with worthless or overpriced stuff, that their bonuses are bogus, and so on. These beliefs, unquestioned, serve me not at all.
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: Judge the Competition
Fill out and work with a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the person or people you feel threaten your status, your love life, your livelihood, your "place" in the world. It would be a great gift to our readers if you would like to post your realizations here in the comments.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Here's a piece on some of my "competitors."
Belief: They are selling something worthless.
Is that true? No. Many people buy what they sell, so it must be worth something to them.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
Inner eye-rolling occurs as I harshly judge what they're offering. I deem their product inferior, ineffective, derivative, lame. I see them as used car salesman, misleading people just to make a buck, all flash and no substance. I undercut their prices and self-righteously see their fees as too expensive. (I undercut my own prices when I do this, so that strategy's not so good!) I try to find and broadcast ways that my credentials trump those of the competition. (This could be seen as smart marketing, except it doesn't feel right to me. Honestly I can't think of a single credential I have that makes me better qualified than anyone else. If you are happy with someone's work and you benefit from the transaction, they're qualified.)
I feel separate from my competitors (I hate calling them that). I look down on them. I don't respect them. I don't attempt to form mutually beneficial partnerships with them. I don't steer business their way even when it makes good sense to as a service to my clients or to people I'm unable to work with; it might mean people would see more value in my competitors' products and services than in mine.
The first time this thought occured to me, I was a young woman, working for a respected and growing publishing company as the promotions manager. The new public relations director (she was my age, and we resembled and were frequently miskaten for each other) was getting a lot of attention and kudos from the higher-ups for ideas that were similar to ones I had previously presented myself. It felt like having a twin sister who was just like me, except our parents preferred her! I was very jealous of and intimidated by her status as the new department golden girl, and I stopped putting forth my best efforts, seeing our superiors as fools for falling for her "schtick." I got out of the department and into another one as soon as I could, so that I could be the star again.
"They're selling something worthless." What a stressful thought! When I think it, I'm looking for a superiority payoff, but it only keeps me in the uncomfortable position of opponent.
Who would I be without this thought? I would realize that there is room for me, for them, and for everyone, and that all of us are offering something of value to someone.
I'd be more curious about their products and services, in a way that could turn out to be very educational for me, in terms of understanding where people spend their money and time, and why.
I'd be more of an innovator, without having to see my offerings as better than anyone else's.
I'd admire and respect my "competitors" as colleagues, and I would be in community with them, trust them, encourage them.
I would be out of their business, literally, and in my own...more interested in developing my company out of my vision, my expertise, my creativity, my integrity, as opposed to comparing myself to others. I would charge what feels right to me, whether it's more or less money than my colleagues charge.
Turned around: "They're selling something worthwhile." This could be just as true if not truer. They are providing something that some people want, and charging what the market will bear. I am often blown away by the brilliance they exhibit in packaging their services the way they do, creating more value through all sorts of incentives and extras. It's not my way, and it's a perfectly good way.
Another turnaround: "I'm selling something worthless." I've had that thought; selling an image is worthless. Selling a promise is less than worthless! Workshops featuring new ways of applying The Work are just fine, as long as they really serve my clients and are not merely capitalizing on trends that are meaningless to me. Doing my work with all my heart is the only thing of value here. Realizing this helps me to craft marketing messages with integrity, communicate cleanly, and create new products and services that I love and feel good about putting forth in the world.
"I'm selling myself something worthless." That would be the ideas, which I've bought for a long time, that "the competition" isn't good enough, that they are luring unsuspecting innocent people with worthless or overpriced stuff, that their bonuses are bogus, and so on. These beliefs, unquestioned, serve me not at all.
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: Judge the Competition
Fill out and work with a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the person or people you feel threaten your status, your love life, your livelihood, your "place" in the world. It would be a great gift to our readers if you would like to post your realizations here in the comments.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
July 15, 2007
From Suggestion Box to Question Box
Are you open to a suggestion? Maybe it's time to chuck your suggestion box.
Organizational psychologist Bruce L. Katcher strongly suggests we jettison the suggestion box in business. "There is no better way I know of to stifle openness," he says, "than to tell employees to 'stuff' their suggestions in a box. The use of such a policy clearly signals to employees that voicing their suggestions openly to their manager or senior management would be unacceptable or ineffective."
How so? Because suggestion boxes are rarely solutions-oriented. The suggestions therein are treated as opinion. The contents of the suggestion box may never make it past the first reader, who also has an opinion as to the suggestion's validity. There's no dialogue...which may be just fine with employees who fear retribution for speaking their minds anyway.
Lack of openness—whether in the workplace, socially, or in our families—is where gossip and backstabbing often begin. If we foster a climate in our homes, relationships, and offices of "shoot the messenger," who would want to risk being shot? It's not that we won't communicate our needs, ideas, or grievances; we'll just do it in some interesting ways...revenge, avoidance, passive-aggression, irate letters to the editor. In fact, at the moment I'd love to take revenge on my upstairs neighbor, who brushes his dog and scatters the fur out his front door to land on the tree—and my doormat—below. And because I have the tools of self-inquiry, I have a better place to put my aggression; on paper.
The homeowner's association where I live has a policy of neighbors not discussing their grievances with neighbors. Instead, we are to submit any ongoing complaints to the management association, lest we be accused in turn of harassment. Since most of the world does not have a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet handy, perhaps this is wise. It is, however, the equivalent of stuffing the suggestion box.
I don't know how he would feel about it, but I would greatly prefer to be able to speak directly to Mr. Neighbor, who I've never even met. I'm sure we could come to some understanding without the management company's intervention. For all I know, he may be innocently unaware of how his actions affect other people in the complex.
Meanwhile, I can look at where I'm still deliberately putitng a "suggestion box" between myself and others. Is it safe to tell me the truth? Not always; especially if you are a family member or very close friend, and you are critical of me "after all I've done for you!" (Hmm, I'd better read and do the exercises in my Mothers and Others eBook again!)
Is your suggestion box cramping your communication style?
Can your children tell you the truth without consequences? Your siblings? Your friends? Your partner? Are they afraid of how you'll react? Must they act through an intermediary in order to be heard?
Are you uneasy about telling your boss how you feel? What do you assume about how she'll hear you (or won't hear you)?
Do you really want to know what your employees think of you and the company, or do you ignore or punish them?
Does someone filter suggestions before they get to you? You may see this as a time-saver, but you might also be avoiding something. If so, what is it?
When you receive feedback, do you really receive it...and act on it?
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Organizational psychologist Bruce L. Katcher strongly suggests we jettison the suggestion box in business. "There is no better way I know of to stifle openness," he says, "than to tell employees to 'stuff' their suggestions in a box. The use of such a policy clearly signals to employees that voicing their suggestions openly to their manager or senior management would be unacceptable or ineffective."
How so? Because suggestion boxes are rarely solutions-oriented. The suggestions therein are treated as opinion. The contents of the suggestion box may never make it past the first reader, who also has an opinion as to the suggestion's validity. There's no dialogue...which may be just fine with employees who fear retribution for speaking their minds anyway.
Lack of openness—whether in the workplace, socially, or in our families—is where gossip and backstabbing often begin. If we foster a climate in our homes, relationships, and offices of "shoot the messenger," who would want to risk being shot? It's not that we won't communicate our needs, ideas, or grievances; we'll just do it in some interesting ways...revenge, avoidance, passive-aggression, irate letters to the editor. In fact, at the moment I'd love to take revenge on my upstairs neighbor, who brushes his dog and scatters the fur out his front door to land on the tree—and my doormat—below. And because I have the tools of self-inquiry, I have a better place to put my aggression; on paper.
The homeowner's association where I live has a policy of neighbors not discussing their grievances with neighbors. Instead, we are to submit any ongoing complaints to the management association, lest we be accused in turn of harassment. Since most of the world does not have a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet handy, perhaps this is wise. It is, however, the equivalent of stuffing the suggestion box.
I don't know how he would feel about it, but I would greatly prefer to be able to speak directly to Mr. Neighbor, who I've never even met. I'm sure we could come to some understanding without the management company's intervention. For all I know, he may be innocently unaware of how his actions affect other people in the complex.
Meanwhile, I can look at where I'm still deliberately putitng a "suggestion box" between myself and others. Is it safe to tell me the truth? Not always; especially if you are a family member or very close friend, and you are critical of me "after all I've done for you!" (Hmm, I'd better read and do the exercises in my Mothers and Others eBook again!)
Is your suggestion box cramping your communication style?
Can your children tell you the truth without consequences? Your siblings? Your friends? Your partner? Are they afraid of how you'll react? Must they act through an intermediary in order to be heard?
Are you uneasy about telling your boss how you feel? What do you assume about how she'll hear you (or won't hear you)?
Do you really want to know what your employees think of you and the company, or do you ignore or punish them?
Does someone filter suggestions before they get to you? You may see this as a time-saver, but you might also be avoiding something. If so, what is it?
When you receive feedback, do you really receive it...and act on it?
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
June 5, 2007
New Woo-hoo Review! From Molly Gordon
The kudos continue for Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work.
My colleague and friend in The Work, Molly Gordon of Authentic Promotion© , writes:
"My only complaint about Carol Skolnick’s new eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is that, at $14.95, it is seriously under-priced....as for the rest, this little gem is a delight to read as well as a practical guide to healing your heart and regaining sanity at work.
"It is rare for an eBook to be as lucid, complete, and practical as this one. At a mere 95 pages it won’t poop-out your printer or cause your eyes to glaze over. It will repay your thoughtful, open-hearted attention a thousand fold."
—Molly Gordon, Master Certified Coach
Shaboom Inc.
Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work, by Carol L. Skolnick.
Available from Clear Life Solutions
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/clearlifestore.htm
(It's the second eBook listed on the page.)
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
May 15, 2007
Can I Use The Work at My Job?
“Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.”
—Patrick Murray
Beliefs may prevail regarding the appropriateness of self-inquiry in a business setting. We have been taught that it’s not professional (and also not safe) to expose our feelings at work; however, feelings are already abundantly apparent in every workplace, oftentimes expressed in unhealthy ways. It can be detrimental to a career or a business to react emotionally on the job and not explore our feelings sanely.
This doesn’t mean we have to air our dirty laundry in front of the boss or co-workers. Although group work may be preferable in certain instances (haven’t you noticed that what they really think of you is rarely as bad as what you thought they thought?), the beauty of The Work is that it is equally effective when done on one’s own in private, with others in a group setting, or one-on-one with a facilitator.
I have facilitated people who work in (and have been fired from) all kinds of business situations: coaches, therapists, and counselors…white, pink, and blue-collar workers…executives, managers, and home-based entrepreneurs…the overextended, and the underemployed or unemployed…those who can’t wait to retire, and those who feel unfulfilled in retirement. A pair of squabbling business partners were among my very first (and very satisfied) clients.
I have come to see that in every moment, even when I was temporarily disabled, lying flat on my back, and doing nothing but “being breathed,” I have always had the perfect job. I am always working with the right people. I have always been successful. Until I can see this as the truth 100%, my real work—the work of the heart—is not done.
“Your true job is to appreciate what is; your primary profession is to be clear.”
—Byron Katie
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
This article is an excerpt from the introduction to the new eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work.
If you order by midnight May 30, PST, you can still receive it for at the discounted pre-publication price of $9.95. On the 31st, I'm changing the settings to $14.95.
So don't wait. Be among the first to let this practical PDF guide enhance your experience of The Work as it applies to your professional life.
To learn more and to purchase your own copy, visit
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/clearlifestore.htm
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
March 6, 2007
Pride...or Protection?
(Note: if you are an independent professional and do not receive Robert Middleton's newsletter, More Clients, my story is that you should! Check out his website, Action Plan Marketing and sign up!)
This week, in a newsletter entitled "Too Proud to Market?" InfoGuru Marketing founder Robert Middleton wrote about members of a folk-rock band who are reluctant to take time during their restaurant and club gigs to promote their availability for events and parties. They are not as busy as they could be and would like to play at more private events, which pay twice as much as what they usually earn; however they don't want to come across as crassly commercial or as needing more work.
Robert noted that many independent professionals (I daresay the rest of us, too) grapple with this same issue. One excuse for not marketing is to think, "If I'm great, people will finally discover me." Robert pointed out that this could be a case of fragile self-image disguised as pride. In other words, if I say, "If I'm great, people will finally discover me," it could be a way to avoid the thought, "Since I haven't been discovered, it must mean I'm not so great." Or, "If I have to promote myself, how great could I be?" This mindset has never gotten anyone any new business (or a spouse, or other things that require being known).
It's true that if I'm not what I say I am, people will quickly discover that. Ultimately if I have a resistance to letting people know, "here I am and I'm available," it's less about pride and more being found out. Perish forbid you might think about me what I suspect may be true about me!
Even in the face of great feedback and results, we may doubt ourselves and fear that the world is going to confirm our doubts. If so, we may believe it is preferable to play it small and stay safely unknown.
How many highly successful people do you know who do not market themselves? If they didn't, we might not know about them. We may even assume they're not available to provide their services to us. ("This band is so good, they're probably booked up and most likely we can't afford them anyway. Let's find out who the wedding planner recommends.")
I have realized that when I don't go for things I say I want (like more clients, or a driver's license, or to get buff by summer), it's because I fear failure. Fear, as Byron Katie tells us, has only two causes: the belief that I will lose what I (think I) have, or that I will not get what I (think I) want.
So there are two self-defeating beliefs going on when I don't "go for it"; an assumption of failure...and a life put on hold, not fully lived with awareness, presence and joy because the mind has gone off into a story of the future where it scares itself. Not only do I not see that everything is perfectly okay right now; I don't see how perfectly okay everything always will be because I am invested in controlling how people see me, controlling the outcome of my efforts, controlling a future that doesn't exist.
In the wonderful new CD set Making Your Thoughts Work for You, recorded at a day-long event with Katie and Wayne Dyer in 2006, Dr. Dyer--who is coming from the mindset of "the power of intention"--says that when he spoke to Katie just prior to her corneal transplant surgery, she said she knew everything would be fine. He took that to mean that she can see now because she intended this to be so. Later in the recording, Katie elaborates that since she was already fine while in pain and not seeing that everything would be fine whether or not the controversial new procedure she had was a "success." Someone who is afraid of failure and attached to outcome might have delayed having the operation or avoided it altogether, waiting for something "safe" or "proven" to come along, putting one's life on hold. (As far as I know, they have not invented a toothpaste that is guaranteed to prevent cavities or the eventual loss of teeth. Should we stop brushing?)
So if I say I want something and then I don't go after it, it's a lie and it's going to feel stressful, because by holding myself back from what I know to do, I live in the realm of fear and desire. I'm already living without having what I say I want; what's the worst that could happen? Wasted effort? Can I know that? Who knows what's on the other side of "my" apparent path of action.
If it's disapproval or misconception that I fear, can I know that this would happen? Could it be that being upfront with others about what I want is simply clear communication? Might they appreciate the information, the forthrightness, the opportunity I present?
If I were so great everyone would know it; if I have to ask for what I want, it means I'm not worthy. Is that true?
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: "And It Means That"
If the aforementioned band members used The Work of Byron Katie to question their beliefs about marketing their band, they could play with making this list:
"People will think we need more work, and it means that _______ ." I invite everyone to try an applicable version of this exercise, which comes from Byron Katie's sourcebook for The Work, Loving What Is.
One thing we might write is "...and that means they will think we're not that good."
Is it true: Well, here's proof: "The great ones always get discovered." And they are always busy and never have to announce their availability. Really?
One person could discover how great you are...and maybe they have good reasons for not telling everyone else: it doesn't enter their mind to do it, or they think everyone knows this already, or they want to make sure you don't get too popular so that they can continue to have easy access to you. (If you've ever been to a really wonderful restaurant that is never very crowded, or you have found the world's best hairdresser and you're still able to get appointments with her, you know what
I'm talking about!)
"People will think we need more work, and it means that they won't want us (because we're not in demand.)" They won't want you if you're not in demand; is that true? Here I am, a customer in a restaurant, having a meal and really digging your music. In fact, I'm going to come back to this restaurant based on several factors: the food is good, the ambiance is lovely AND you're a featured player here. In fact, I'm only going to come back when I know your band is performing. And I happen to be part of a team at my company that is planning our upcoming holiday party. I have been asking around for recommendations for a band. I have resumes and sample CDs, but I don't have anything from you, so it may not come to me to hire you. If I find out you're available (i.e. not in demand), I'm delighted!
"People will think we need more work, and it means we can't charge what we're worth." Is it true? Have you even asked us what we think? How do you treat us, the potential clients, when you believe that thought? Are you already discounting your rates mentally before telling us what they are, and resenting us for not paying you top dollar? Are you embarrassed to tell us what your time is worth? And if you can't ask for what you're worth, do you even want this gig?
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
This week, in a newsletter entitled "Too Proud to Market?" InfoGuru Marketing founder Robert Middleton wrote about members of a folk-rock band who are reluctant to take time during their restaurant and club gigs to promote their availability for events and parties. They are not as busy as they could be and would like to play at more private events, which pay twice as much as what they usually earn; however they don't want to come across as crassly commercial or as needing more work.
Robert noted that many independent professionals (I daresay the rest of us, too) grapple with this same issue. One excuse for not marketing is to think, "If I'm great, people will finally discover me." Robert pointed out that this could be a case of fragile self-image disguised as pride. In other words, if I say, "If I'm great, people will finally discover me," it could be a way to avoid the thought, "Since I haven't been discovered, it must mean I'm not so great." Or, "If I have to promote myself, how great could I be?" This mindset has never gotten anyone any new business (or a spouse, or other things that require being known).
It's true that if I'm not what I say I am, people will quickly discover that. Ultimately if I have a resistance to letting people know, "here I am and I'm available," it's less about pride and more being found out. Perish forbid you might think about me what I suspect may be true about me!
Even in the face of great feedback and results, we may doubt ourselves and fear that the world is going to confirm our doubts. If so, we may believe it is preferable to play it small and stay safely unknown.
How many highly successful people do you know who do not market themselves? If they didn't, we might not know about them. We may even assume they're not available to provide their services to us. ("This band is so good, they're probably booked up and most likely we can't afford them anyway. Let's find out who the wedding planner recommends.")
I have realized that when I don't go for things I say I want (like more clients, or a driver's license, or to get buff by summer), it's because I fear failure. Fear, as Byron Katie tells us, has only two causes: the belief that I will lose what I (think I) have, or that I will not get what I (think I) want.
So there are two self-defeating beliefs going on when I don't "go for it"; an assumption of failure...and a life put on hold, not fully lived with awareness, presence and joy because the mind has gone off into a story of the future where it scares itself. Not only do I not see that everything is perfectly okay right now; I don't see how perfectly okay everything always will be because I am invested in controlling how people see me, controlling the outcome of my efforts, controlling a future that doesn't exist.
In the wonderful new CD set Making Your Thoughts Work for You, recorded at a day-long event with Katie and Wayne Dyer in 2006, Dr. Dyer--who is coming from the mindset of "the power of intention"--says that when he spoke to Katie just prior to her corneal transplant surgery, she said she knew everything would be fine. He took that to mean that she can see now because she intended this to be so. Later in the recording, Katie elaborates that since she was already fine while in pain and not seeing that everything would be fine whether or not the controversial new procedure she had was a "success." Someone who is afraid of failure and attached to outcome might have delayed having the operation or avoided it altogether, waiting for something "safe" or "proven" to come along, putting one's life on hold. (As far as I know, they have not invented a toothpaste that is guaranteed to prevent cavities or the eventual loss of teeth. Should we stop brushing?)
So if I say I want something and then I don't go after it, it's a lie and it's going to feel stressful, because by holding myself back from what I know to do, I live in the realm of fear and desire. I'm already living without having what I say I want; what's the worst that could happen? Wasted effort? Can I know that? Who knows what's on the other side of "my" apparent path of action.
If it's disapproval or misconception that I fear, can I know that this would happen? Could it be that being upfront with others about what I want is simply clear communication? Might they appreciate the information, the forthrightness, the opportunity I present?
If I were so great everyone would know it; if I have to ask for what I want, it means I'm not worthy. Is that true?
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: "And It Means That"
If the aforementioned band members used The Work of Byron Katie to question their beliefs about marketing their band, they could play with making this list:
"People will think we need more work, and it means that _______ ." I invite everyone to try an applicable version of this exercise, which comes from Byron Katie's sourcebook for The Work, Loving What Is.
One thing we might write is "...and that means they will think we're not that good."
Is it true: Well, here's proof: "The great ones always get discovered." And they are always busy and never have to announce their availability. Really?
One person could discover how great you are...and maybe they have good reasons for not telling everyone else: it doesn't enter their mind to do it, or they think everyone knows this already, or they want to make sure you don't get too popular so that they can continue to have easy access to you. (If you've ever been to a really wonderful restaurant that is never very crowded, or you have found the world's best hairdresser and you're still able to get appointments with her, you know what
I'm talking about!)
"People will think we need more work, and it means that they won't want us (because we're not in demand.)" They won't want you if you're not in demand; is that true? Here I am, a customer in a restaurant, having a meal and really digging your music. In fact, I'm going to come back to this restaurant based on several factors: the food is good, the ambiance is lovely AND you're a featured player here. In fact, I'm only going to come back when I know your band is performing. And I happen to be part of a team at my company that is planning our upcoming holiday party. I have been asking around for recommendations for a band. I have resumes and sample CDs, but I don't have anything from you, so it may not come to me to hire you. If I find out you're available (i.e. not in demand), I'm delighted!
"People will think we need more work, and it means we can't charge what we're worth." Is it true? Have you even asked us what we think? How do you treat us, the potential clients, when you believe that thought? Are you already discounting your rates mentally before telling us what they are, and resenting us for not paying you top dollar? Are you embarrassed to tell us what your time is worth? And if you can't ask for what you're worth, do you even want this gig?
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
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