My client J. gave me permission to share this with you. She writes:
"Here's a dream I had in December which I attribute directly to The Work and being free to love and be kind. It is a friendly universe.
"I'm in my kitchen...there are several people around both in the kitchen and the living room. A car drives up and three local guys get out. I go towards the door to meet them, open the door, and one guy sticks what I assume is a knife into my abdomen. I say, 'Are you going to rob me?' and he says yes.
"I am so happy. I tell him I am delighted that he is going to rob me and I look around for money in the kitchen. I find some and give it to him happily. Then I say I have more in my purse in the living room and we go in there. [My husband] is sitting there with others, watching us.
"I find my purse, get my wallet and go to where I keep big bills. I pull out all the $50s I have and hand them to him He puts down the knife at that point—it turns out to be tweezers—and I put them in my pocket. He has a tear running down his cheek and he asks me why I'm doing this. I tell him it's because I love him...and I sincerely do love him. He says he loves me too, turns and leaves.
"At the kitchen window are three other young locals asking me if I have a dog. I say, 'Yes and she'll bark but she won't bite, so don't worry.' They all leave.
"I go somewhere and see D. who says, 'You'd better rest after that horrible ordeal.' I say that it wasn't a horrible ordeal and I certainly don't need to rest."
Thank you, J. for doing your work, living your truth and sharing your heart with us.
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
February 10, 2011
January 19, 2011
January 14, 2011
Turning Around B.S.
In recent months I seem to have developed an extreme intolerance to b.s. In particular, I get uncomfortable around absolutist statements regarding teachings that don't work for me (so I may not be the best person to talk to about Satan, contacting your angel guides, or the wit and wisdom of Sarah Palin)...or those that trigger "cult" memories (such as the words "impure" and "negativity," terms used to keep us devotees in line at the ashram), or stuff from my own mentors that seems downright incorrect in my experience (just because you-know-who says "All sadness is a minor tantrum" doesn't make it true)...and, last but not least, by my own attempts to b.s. others by hiding behind insincerity, spiritual talk, quotable quotes and smiley chat icons like this one :).
I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.
So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:
1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.
Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.
2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.
Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.
3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?
For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.
Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"
A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.
Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.
So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:
1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.
Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.
2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.
Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.
3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?
For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.
Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"
A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.
Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
December 24, 2010
Merries and Happies
To my friends, clients and colleagues around the world...
I'm a big fan of fresh starts. I've always loved "back to school," "first day of Spring," and ringing in the New Year with the best of intentions.
Of course we need not wait until a certain date to make fresh starts. But if New Year's is your traditional resolution time, it's as good a time as any to set things into motion in a positive way.
I for one intend (I don't make resolutions, which I tend to break) to do what it takes to let the good things in my life grow, by reaching out, saying yes, moving in directions that feel good and true for me, facing my fears, cleaning up my messes, and dealing with my resentments. Not because I "should" do these things, but because I love how I feel when I do.
This year, I say "yes!" to is working directly with more people like you, who value the work of inquiry. I say "yes!" to more powerful collaborations with other coaches and practitioners and to more public speaking. "Yes!" to helping more couples overcome obstacles in their relationships and having more loving partnerships. "Yes!" to journeying with individuals who are ready to make big changes and would like support. "Yes!" to working with visionary leaders who know that a conscious and communicative workforce is a profitable workforce. Together, we are a force of nature who can make things happen!
In addition, I am committed to making my services available to more people who want to work with me on an ongoing basis but have limited means. Currently, through the end of 2011, I am offering prepaid 12-session packages to subscribers to my newsletter at a much rate lower than the one published on my website. Other arrangements are available for nonprofit groups and unemployed or underemployed individuals. (If you fit this description, please contact me through my website for more information.)
I am also committed to giving back. Throughout 2011, I will donate $10 of any contracted fee of $900 or more to one of several charities and foundations that I currently support: Partners In Health, Groundworks Opportunities, World Wildlife Fund, or the Institute for The Work.
I see this New Year as one where we can shake off whatever has been holding us back and move towards our own greatness...where the stories of the past do not prevent us from peace, prosperity, health and happiness in the here and now...where we can handle whatever comes with clarity and a strong center, and where we support each other in mutual service. Will you join me?
November 22, 2010
Got Gratitude? If Not, Try This
2010 has been a difficult year for many of us, the world over. I have friends who have been successful and productive for most of their lives who are now unemployed or underemployed, have lost their homes or are in foreclosure, who have become clients of food pantries, and who have had health crises they can't afford to address.
Not everyone has a supportive family, a spouse or friends to help. Some of us who do may feel they don't do enough for us. We look to our politicians; what have they done for us lately? Where's our economic recovery?
And we're supposed to be thankful now?
Well...it might be a little easier to cope with the hardships if we could muster up some gratitude for what we have.
I don't suggest we go all Pollyanna and say we are glad to be living in a friend's basement when in fact we are not glad about that...or grateful to have at least one good hip when the other one's disintegrating and hurting like hell. No government worker I know here in Santa Cruz is glad about the furlough days that cut into their salaries.
So I suggest we take a look at the people, institutions and bodies that have done us wrong in this past year, and ask ourselves...
1. What have I received from this person, place, institution or body? Maybe not today, maybe not this week, this month or this year. What about in this lifetime? Make a list and be specific; don't negate any of what you have received, no matter how small or insignificant you rate it. Example: "My husband walks the dog sometimes." "My body wakes up every morning." "My mother read to me when I was little." "The pantry gave me government-issue cheese and canned beans for six months."
2. What have I done for this person, place, institution or body lately? Put it in writing. Notice how it feels to read your list. Does it feel like "enough" for you? Did you do these things out of obligation, with generosity, with a motive to get something in return, because you were afraid not to?
3. Is there something I am not acknowledging or appreciating about what this person, place, institution or body has given or done for me? Am I seeing it as "not enough," "too little, too late," "they owed it to me," or a "yeahbut"? What would it be like to drop the qualifiers?
4. Is there anything I want to say or do for the person, place, institution or body, now that I have looked at my thinking? Am I grateful to them? Do I want to make amends? How can I express my gratitude, or be of service, in a way that would feel comfortable, true and non-manipulative?
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Not everyone has a supportive family, a spouse or friends to help. Some of us who do may feel they don't do enough for us. We look to our politicians; what have they done for us lately? Where's our economic recovery?
And we're supposed to be thankful now?
Well...it might be a little easier to cope with the hardships if we could muster up some gratitude for what we have.
I don't suggest we go all Pollyanna and say we are glad to be living in a friend's basement when in fact we are not glad about that...or grateful to have at least one good hip when the other one's disintegrating and hurting like hell. No government worker I know here in Santa Cruz is glad about the furlough days that cut into their salaries.
So I suggest we take a look at the people, institutions and bodies that have done us wrong in this past year, and ask ourselves...
1. What have I received from this person, place, institution or body? Maybe not today, maybe not this week, this month or this year. What about in this lifetime? Make a list and be specific; don't negate any of what you have received, no matter how small or insignificant you rate it. Example: "My husband walks the dog sometimes." "My body wakes up every morning." "My mother read to me when I was little." "The pantry gave me government-issue cheese and canned beans for six months."
2. What have I done for this person, place, institution or body lately? Put it in writing. Notice how it feels to read your list. Does it feel like "enough" for you? Did you do these things out of obligation, with generosity, with a motive to get something in return, because you were afraid not to?
3. Is there something I am not acknowledging or appreciating about what this person, place, institution or body has given or done for me? Am I seeing it as "not enough," "too little, too late," "they owed it to me," or a "yeahbut"? What would it be like to drop the qualifiers?
4. Is there anything I want to say or do for the person, place, institution or body, now that I have looked at my thinking? Am I grateful to them? Do I want to make amends? How can I express my gratitude, or be of service, in a way that would feel comfortable, true and non-manipulative?
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
October 25, 2010
Is There Such A Thing as Energy Transmission?
Does this do anything for you?
I've watched it twice and I didn't feel a thing. That doesn't mean Eckhart's work is ineffective. It just means that one woman's "transmission" is another woman's lack thereof. I'm certainly open to feeling something...but then, I had no expectations before watching this that I would. While I like Eckhart Tolle's writings and resonate with a lot of what he says, I don't have a story about his having special abilities. Maybe if I believed he could wake me up, I would have woken up watching this, but that would have had nothing to do with him. The thought, "Here's an enlightened one, and s/he's going to awaken me," could result in something that feels good. And if the good feelings don't last...what would I have that I didn't have before? What did I lose? What happened to my story of energy transmission?
Similarly, if I feel terrible when I'm around someone I have labeled in a negative way, it's still just a story. I may not like the person or I may feel uncomfortable around them, but no one can make me feel one way or another. I am reacting to an image, an idea. (This doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a room with an armed and dangerous serial killer!)
Teachers are great for pointing the way to the heart, but ultimately it's our own hearts we get in touch with in their name. That's why a particular teacher works for some folks and not for others. It's also why it's not necessary to negate all the goodness we have experienced in relationship to a teacher (or to any human being) if the relationship ends in disappointment, or has run its course.
Unless we're talking about fixing a car, I don't find this emphasis on "transmission" to be helpful; I find it creates someone higher and someone lower.
I prefer to know that I can "enlighten" myself in any given moment by being present with what is happening now (for example, through inquiry). Then there is no dependency on anything or anyone outside myself; and everyone is equally blessed with the power of transmission.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I've watched it twice and I didn't feel a thing. That doesn't mean Eckhart's work is ineffective. It just means that one woman's "transmission" is another woman's lack thereof. I'm certainly open to feeling something...but then, I had no expectations before watching this that I would. While I like Eckhart Tolle's writings and resonate with a lot of what he says, I don't have a story about his having special abilities. Maybe if I believed he could wake me up, I would have woken up watching this, but that would have had nothing to do with him. The thought, "Here's an enlightened one, and s/he's going to awaken me," could result in something that feels good. And if the good feelings don't last...what would I have that I didn't have before? What did I lose? What happened to my story of energy transmission?
Similarly, if I feel terrible when I'm around someone I have labeled in a negative way, it's still just a story. I may not like the person or I may feel uncomfortable around them, but no one can make me feel one way or another. I am reacting to an image, an idea. (This doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a room with an armed and dangerous serial killer!)
Teachers are great for pointing the way to the heart, but ultimately it's our own hearts we get in touch with in their name. That's why a particular teacher works for some folks and not for others. It's also why it's not necessary to negate all the goodness we have experienced in relationship to a teacher (or to any human being) if the relationship ends in disappointment, or has run its course.
Unless we're talking about fixing a car, I don't find this emphasis on "transmission" to be helpful; I find it creates someone higher and someone lower.
I prefer to know that I can "enlighten" myself in any given moment by being present with what is happening now (for example, through inquiry). Then there is no dependency on anything or anyone outside myself; and everyone is equally blessed with the power of transmission.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
October 5, 2010
Ask A Facilitator: Won't I Be a Doormat?
Q: If I answer Question 4, "Who would I be without that thought?" it's just speculation. In reality, I'd be an idiot without my thoughts, ignoring the facts and with no protection. Can't I just skip to the turnarounds?
A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.
In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).
I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."
When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"
That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.
Example:
Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)
So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.
Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.
Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.
A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.
In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).
I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."
When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"
That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.
Example:
Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)
So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.
Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.
Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.
September 10, 2010
In the Name of The Work, How Do I Abandon The Work?
Byron Katie has said, "If I think you need The Work, I need The Work."
I'll take it one step further: outside of a mutually agreed-upon, facilitator-client relationship, in the moment I invite you to question your thoughts, I have left The Work; it has become something else entirely.
What do I mean by this? Discuss.
I'll take it one step further: outside of a mutually agreed-upon, facilitator-client relationship, in the moment I invite you to question your thoughts, I have left The Work; it has become something else entirely.
What do I mean by this? Discuss.
September 3, 2010
Forgiveness
As the Jewish New Year approaches—a time for self-reflection, forgiveness and making amends—I wanted to share with you a poem/prayer by Meredith Cahn that I received in my email today. It touched my heart and I would take it one step further: "Let me not bear guilt on my own account." Let there be no guilt, only atonement/at-one-ment!
Its arrival is most timely, as I have been thinking about some worksheets I have somehow escaped dealing with (nine of them at last count!!!)...so that I may begin again with a clean slate and a light heart.
Whatever your spiritual beliefs or lack thereof...may all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a joyous new year/new you!
For more about these holidays in light of self-inquiry, please see my series of articles "Days of Awe" posted here at the Soul Surgery blog in 2007, beginning with this one.
Love,
Carol
Its arrival is most timely, as I have been thinking about some worksheets I have somehow escaped dealing with (nine of them at last count!!!)...so that I may begin again with a clean slate and a light heart.
Whatever your spiritual beliefs or lack thereof...may all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a joyous new year/new you!
For more about these holidays in light of self-inquiry, please see my series of articles "Days of Awe" posted here at the Soul Surgery blog in 2007, beginning with this one.
Love,
Carol
Ribono shel Olam,
I stand before You
and before my community
Pardoning,
Forgiving.
Seeking at least to be open and forgiving
To all those who have hurt or angered me,
Be this hurt of body or soul,
Of honor or property,
Whether the other was forced to hurt me
Or did so willingly;
Whether it was by accident or intent;
Whether I was hurt by word or by deed;
Whether this wound is a new one
Or one that still festers from some earlier world of mine--
I forgive because we are both human.
May no person bear guilt on my account.
—Meredith Cahn
August 13, 2010
Focus on Facilitation: Adapting Inquiry to Alternative Learning Styles
The theory of multiple intelligences may be useful for facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.
I have often used metaphors with my clients as a way of explaining how The Work works, but until last week, I never danced around the room!
Many of us are kinesthetic, musical or spatial learners; I know I am to an extent. I don't always understand abstract concepts right away, but if I can employ different senses and parts of my brain, find a tune to fit something I need to memorize, visual something concrete, I learn more quickly. As an educator, I was taught to use media and movement with my students as a way of helping them learn using different parts of the brain; for instance, getting some of my high school students to appreciate Robert Frost's poetry in print wasn't a happening thing, but they enjoyed listening to a recording of him reading "The Road Not Taken" (they were amused by his quavering voice and old-fashioned New England accent), which opened them to discussing the author's technique and intent. Similarly, when I was teaching elementary-school age English as a Second Language students, we sang songs in English which included lots of repetition; some kids who were not able to or interested in learning English in traditional ways soon were speaking in full sentences!
I have a client who, after several sessions, continued to have difficulty with question 3 of The Work, "Who would you be without this thought?" She gave me a clue about how to proceed by saying, "I have a hard time stepping out of the situation." I said, "So let's step out of it." Standing straight in front of her, I said, "Let's take a hypothetical situation. Say one day I left the house, went to work, and I was held up at gunpoint by a Croatian man in a warehouse, and now I can't go into warehouses, or be around men, or Croats, or hear Serbo-Croation being spoken, without getting panic attacks. My thought it, 'I'm too sick to work." (My apologies to men, Croats, and warehouses; nothing personal.) Because of her particular situation, which had nothing to do with being held up at gunpoint or men or Croatians, or warehouses, she actually related to the example.
I stepped to the left. "Prior to that incident, and that thought, I went to work each day, and had interactions with all kinds of people, and entered all kinds of buildings, without fear." She got that. I stepped back into the center.
"How do I react when I believe the thought, I'm too sick to work'? I tell a story about what happened, after the fact." I step to the right, facing the center. "I remember what happened over there, and from over here, my body tenses up, I feel faint. I break out into a cold sweat around men. I can't go into the basement at home; it looks too much like the warehouse. I'm sure that if I leave the house, it will happen again. My mind travels to someone pulling a gun on me and I die painfully." I go on like this for a bit more.
"Who would I be without this thought?" I move back to the center and take a step backwards." "Now I am taking myself out of the situation and looking at it, as it really happened, as if watching a movie, but without my spin on it. I see a man holding a woman at gunpoint and then letting me go. I, the woman, am okay, not dead yet. I notice I was always okay; he never hurt me.
"Now I need to use my imagination a little. Who would I be right now without this thought, applying for a job? I would go to the office building; I would fill out the application; I would be present, empowered and excited."
Click! Now my client sees that The Work is a way of observing the mechanisms of the mind; she doesn't have to deny what happened or even her experience of what happened; she gets to take on different vantage points and see if they can be equally valid. She has asked that we "somaticize" this portion of The Work this way from now on; and my guess is that we won't always need to, once she gets it "in the bones."
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I have often used metaphors with my clients as a way of explaining how The Work works, but until last week, I never danced around the room!
Many of us are kinesthetic, musical or spatial learners; I know I am to an extent. I don't always understand abstract concepts right away, but if I can employ different senses and parts of my brain, find a tune to fit something I need to memorize, visual something concrete, I learn more quickly. As an educator, I was taught to use media and movement with my students as a way of helping them learn using different parts of the brain; for instance, getting some of my high school students to appreciate Robert Frost's poetry in print wasn't a happening thing, but they enjoyed listening to a recording of him reading "The Road Not Taken" (they were amused by his quavering voice and old-fashioned New England accent), which opened them to discussing the author's technique and intent. Similarly, when I was teaching elementary-school age English as a Second Language students, we sang songs in English which included lots of repetition; some kids who were not able to or interested in learning English in traditional ways soon were speaking in full sentences!
I have a client who, after several sessions, continued to have difficulty with question 3 of The Work, "Who would you be without this thought?" She gave me a clue about how to proceed by saying, "I have a hard time stepping out of the situation." I said, "So let's step out of it." Standing straight in front of her, I said, "Let's take a hypothetical situation. Say one day I left the house, went to work, and I was held up at gunpoint by a Croatian man in a warehouse, and now I can't go into warehouses, or be around men, or Croats, or hear Serbo-Croation being spoken, without getting panic attacks. My thought it, 'I'm too sick to work." (My apologies to men, Croats, and warehouses; nothing personal.) Because of her particular situation, which had nothing to do with being held up at gunpoint or men or Croatians, or warehouses, she actually related to the example.
I stepped to the left. "Prior to that incident, and that thought, I went to work each day, and had interactions with all kinds of people, and entered all kinds of buildings, without fear." She got that. I stepped back into the center.
"How do I react when I believe the thought, I'm too sick to work'? I tell a story about what happened, after the fact." I step to the right, facing the center. "I remember what happened over there, and from over here, my body tenses up, I feel faint. I break out into a cold sweat around men. I can't go into the basement at home; it looks too much like the warehouse. I'm sure that if I leave the house, it will happen again. My mind travels to someone pulling a gun on me and I die painfully." I go on like this for a bit more.
"Who would I be without this thought?" I move back to the center and take a step backwards." "Now I am taking myself out of the situation and looking at it, as it really happened, as if watching a movie, but without my spin on it. I see a man holding a woman at gunpoint and then letting me go. I, the woman, am okay, not dead yet. I notice I was always okay; he never hurt me.
"Now I need to use my imagination a little. Who would I be right now without this thought, applying for a job? I would go to the office building; I would fill out the application; I would be present, empowered and excited."
Click! Now my client sees that The Work is a way of observing the mechanisms of the mind; she doesn't have to deny what happened or even her experience of what happened; she gets to take on different vantage points and see if they can be equally valid. She has asked that we "somaticize" this portion of The Work this way from now on; and my guess is that we won't always need to, once she gets it "in the bones."
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)