Turning Around B.S.

In recent months I seem to have developed an extreme intolerance to b.s. In particular, I get uncomfortable around absolutist statements regarding teachings that don't work for me (so I may not be the best person to talk to about Satan, contacting your angel guides, or the wit and wisdom of Sarah Palin)...or those that trigger "cult" memories (such as the words "impure" and "negativity," terms used to keep us devotees in line at the ashram), or stuff from my own mentors that seems downright incorrect in my experience (just because you-know-who says "All sadness is a minor tantrum" doesn't make it true)...and, last but not least, by my own attempts to b.s. others by hiding behind insincerity, spiritual talk, quotable quotes and smiley chat icons like this one :).

I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.

So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:

1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.


Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.


2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.

Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.


3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?

For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.

Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"

A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.

Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Ask A Facilitator: Won't I Be a Doormat?

Q: If I answer Question 4, "Who would I be without that thought?" it's just speculation. In reality, I'd be an idiot without my thoughts, ignoring the facts and with no protection. Can't I just skip to the turnarounds?

A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.

In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).

I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."

When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"

That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.

Example:

Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)

So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.

Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.

Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.


©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.

"Dangerous" Turnarounds and the Power of "Sometimes"

Here are some dangerous thoughts; dangerous for us who believe them, because we may stake our very lives on them and create unnecessary stress, suffering and separation.



-I am right.


-My way is the right way.


-I know what's best for you.


When we do The Work on these thoughts we may come upon these turnarounds (among others):


-You are right. (Or) I am wrong.


-My way is the wrong way.


-You know what's best for me.


Notice if you are swapping one funky thought for another! These thoughts, while they could be as true or truer than the original statements, are equally dangerous if we make them into our new religion.

The purpose of inquiry is not to make yourself wrong and another right. It's not to make another into an all-knowing Messiah. Turnarounds need not be sticks with which we beat ourselves, and they're not meant to cancel out our beliefs.

It's important to keep a sense of balance when doing The Work, to remember that the purpose of inquiry is clarity, and the result of turnarounds is balance. One way to do that is to incorporate the word "sometimes" in your turnarounds.

Examine how things can be as true or truer "sometimes."

-(Sometimes) you are right. (Also) I am wrong, sometimes.
-My way is the wrong way, sometimes.
-(Sometimes) you know what's best for me.

When you add "sometimes" to your turnarounds, it may be easier to find specific, genuine (not automatic, not spiritual) examples. For example, "sometimes" you know what's best for me when you have more information than I do. (My chiropractor knows it's not good for me to do certain exercises because he knows the condition of my spine. You know what's best for me, sometimes, when you give me unasked for advice that I don't take because I'm standing on ceremony. Sometimes you know what's best for me when you tell me something I don't want to hear; it brings up all my stuff about you that I haven't brought to inquiry.)

Another way to work with tricky turnarounds:  add phrases like "when you do." "If you do." "When I do." "When it is.) "If I do." "In this moment." Examples:

"My way is the wrong way (in this moment when I see myself as knowing what's best for you)."

"You know what's best for me (when you do, such as in when you defy me and I need that "medicine")."


©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

"So Don't Do That!"

There's an old Henny Youngman joke that I love: "I said to my doctor, it hurts when I do that [he lifts his arm]; he told me 'So don't do that!'"

As a facilitator, my "Don't do that!" for people who do self-inquiry is, "Don't use The Work as a way to beat yourself or others."

Here's an example; a quote from Byron Katie that gets misinterpreted, in my not-so-humble opinion:

"If I see an enemy, I need to take another look because that is my friend, not my enemy. Enemies enlighten me to myself; that makes them friends."

Some use this teaching as a way to make themselves wrong, bad and delusional if they aren't always open to or in agreement with another's criticism or if they can't shrug off slights or abuse with "it's all good." Please don't do that. Self-flagellation is not inquiry. Offering yourself up as a human sacrifice is not inquiry. Do your work, find ways that turnarounds can be as true or truer but not "instead of"—include everything. Finding your part in a situation is not making yourself wrong. It doesn't mean that you become a doormat. It means that you have ceased to be a victim of black-and-white thinking. And just because your enemies are your "friends" doesn't mean that you have to live with them, do business with them, never take legal action or stop locking your front door.

Others use this teaching as an excuse to behave badly. "It can never be my fault that you're upset. You're just angry because you didn't get what you want. I'm free, you're the one with the problem." Please don't do that either; it's using The Work as a shield and a weapon rather than a tool with which to discover your own truth. This is not inquiry, it's new age bull-dinky. Again, do your work, find your part, enlighten yourself. Fear of being wrong or of being blamed is natural...and it also comes from collusion. If they say you're wrong and bad, and it hurts, they're right...but only according to you.

So don't do that!


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Ask a Facilitator: Affirmations...Yes, or No?

Q: I do The Work and I also practice daily positive affirmations because I really believe in their power to attract good things to life; for example, "I am perfect just the way I am," "I am an-all loving being," "I have infinite patience and love for others." However, the turnaround portion of The Work seems to be contrary to these positive affirmations, since when I turn a judgment around to myself, I have to think that I am not doing something right, that I have the defects and bad character traits that I see in others. Is there a way to reconcile doing The Work with my practice of positive affirmations?

A: Affirmations work only if you believe them, and they don't work if you don't believe them. You can't make yourself believe you are all loving or patient if you have doubts about your loving, patient nature. Conversely, you can't make yourself believe you are unloving and impatient if you are indeed loving and patient at least some of the time. To do so produces stress.

Turnarounds can be positive too: "I am impatient" turns around to "I am patient." But without the education of the four questions, a positive turnaround is meaningless. Repeating affirmations that you don't believe will lead to disconnection, just as continually telling yourself you're not good enough doesn't give you the tools to see yourself as good enough.

I don't do The Work to be "positive" (or negative); I do it in order to reduce stress and understand and welcome all thoughts as friends. "I am impatient." Have I ever been impatient in my life? I can find it, so I can see why someone else might see me that way and call me on it. I am also patient; I have ample evidence for that as well. You would have to embody the traits you criticize in others at least in part, otherwise you wouldn't recognize them. The same is true for admirable traits. You are seeing your own reflection, always.

The Work is a way to identify and question stressful thoughts, period. We don't bother with the happy ones; we get to keep those! To put the stressful mind on paper and examine how we live life out of our beliefs is to see what else is available to us.

At first, I came to The Work in order to feel better, but that is doing inquiry with a motive to change myself or to change outer circumstances. When I do The Work for the love of truth, I notice I don't have to force affirmations on myself; my life becomes an affirmation.

And by all means, if affirmations or any other practices are working for you, don't give them up! I haven't yet seen a practice that couldn't be done in conjunction with The Work...except perhaps the practice of self-hatred.

©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

10 Ways We Make The Work into Too Much Work

Byron Katie is fond of saying, "I don't call it The Work for nothing," meaning The Work works best when we put in some effort to see things differently...and if we are willing to put aside what's comfortable in place of what's true.

This doesn't mean doing The Work is hard to do. If you're finding The Work to be too much work, you may be doing one or more things on this list.

1. Trying to work with complex, run-on sentences. "Daniel should pay attention to me so that I can make him understand why I am so upset with him and what he can do to change." This sentence requires a meat cleaver! "Daniel should pay attention to me" is enough to work on all by itself. Other thoughts that can be worked on separately are "I need to make Daniel understand." "Daniel should understand why I'm upset with him." "I want Daniel to change." "I am upset with Daniel." "Daniel can change."

If you fill out your Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet in short, simple sentences, you'll find it's much easier to identify and work with your thoughts. A little editing in the beginning, a little less writing, can make for less work—and more meaningful Work—in the long run.

2. Writing a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet about yourself. Many people come to The Work saying, "I know I'm my own problem." Is it true that you know that? As Katie says, when you're new to The Work, it's better to point your judgments outwards. We've been beating ourselves up, judging ourselves, making ourselves wrong all of our lives. It hasn't changed us yet; it can, in fact be brutal. As you will see, some of the turnarounds on any worksheet will be "I" thoughts and you can sit with these later. Instead of "I should have more self-control," why not start with someone else about whom you have had the same thought? You'll see how you treat them, and in doing so, how you treat yourself when you believe that thought about yourself.

3. Spinning, as in not taking your original belief all the way through inquiry in favor of switching to another. "Mary is needy. How do I react when I believe that thought? I avoid her, I don't want to be around her. I don't want to be around her, is that true?" You leave the inquiry when you switch beliefs this way; the original belief has not been fully understood. You lose your train of thought and you may find yourself back-tracking. That makes a simple process more complicated.

4. Spinning a turnaround. This takes you into entirely different territory. "Mary is needy, turned around: Mary is not needy; I am needy." These are good turnarounds. "I am not needy" is a spin, not an opposite but an affirmation that has nothing to do with your original work. It may make you feel better, but it won't do the work of investigation for you and you may find yourself having no resolution.

5. Yeah-butting. You leave inquiry when you stop answering the questions. "Yeah, but..." is a defense, an excuse, a block to learning the truth. It throws away any prior work you've done on the belief and you end up having to start over.

6. Changing your belief statement after a few minutes. "I need Daniel to change. Is it true? Yes. Can I absolutely know it's true? Yes. How do I react when I believe that thought? I get frustrated...I lean on him...I nag him...but you know, that's not really the issue, it's more like, I need Daniel to be more flexible...I want to work on that instead." Well, if you want him to be more flexible, it does mean you would like something to change. If you stick with your original statement, you may find what you were looking for when you began waffling. You can always go back to the other belief statement later, if you still believe it.

7. "Shoulding on yourself." "I should exercise" could be a covert way of trying to make yourself exercise, or excuse yourself from exercising. This work is about noticing how you live your life when you believe a thought that isn't true for you; it's not meant to be a motivator or to shame you into doing some or into stopping doing something. ("I shouldn't smoke.") So just notice your motives when you question "I should" thoughts. It may be easier to work on underlying beliefs here, such s "If I don't stop smoking, it means I'm weak" or "If I don't exercise, it means I'll die too young, and that means my children will be fatherless, and that means..." What is the core issue? The direct route would be to work on that one.

8. Using turnarounds as a medieval torture device. "Mary is needy. Turnaround: I am needy - beat, beat, beat. Oh yes, I am, I'm a terrible person, no wonder no one wants me around! I have to stop being so needy!" Oh gosh, don't go there! Simply sit with "I am needy." Is it sometimes true? Have you ever been, needy, especially with Mary (needing her to stop being needy)? This is just an opportunity to notice, no shoulds, no judgments involved. The Work is about self-awareness...which is a gentle noticing and if indicated, a gentle correction. Most of all, with turnarounds like these, we see that we are not too different from the one we've been putting on the torture rack and we can let both them and ourselves off the hook. Whew!

9. Long explanations. Notice when you start using "because" when answering a question: "How do I react when I believe the thought, 'My partner lies'? I feel angry, because it reminds me of when I was a little girl, and my father used to lie about where he was, when we knew he was at the bar drinking anyway." Not only is this justification, it's story-telling, and it takes you out of inquiry. Then you get lost and you have to reel yourself back in. More work than needed.

10. Writing your worksheet in the past tense. It's not wrong or bad to write a worksheet in the past tense; however it can leave you feeling disconnected from the uncomfortable feeling that led you to write the worksheet in the first place. There will be less of a tendency to say, "Well, it was such a long time ago, I don't remember much about it," or "It's really irrelevant, it's over." Try writing in the present. Instead of "My father shouldn't have lied," write, "My father shouldn't lie." Even if the incident happened 40 years ago, writing your statements in the present puts you right back in the place where you first believed the thought. The experience will be more immediate and relevant to you and you won't have to dig so deeply to find your answers.


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

ADDENDUM: My friend Nicole writes, "Thinking you have to answer all the subquestions on the blue sheet [facilitation guide] each time you do inquiry (exhausting!)." Indeed. If you have any others, I'll post them here.

Ask a Facilitator: The "Endless Three"

Q: I've been apprehensive to share this experience and ask this question as on the surface I interpret it as quite cold. I used to make myself available to facilitate my friends anytime, and it was almost always a deep and meaningful joy. I love the turnarounds, I love the Truth, Peace, and Love on the other side of our stories, but as I have lost more and more of my interest in my stories and the accompanying emotions, I'm having the same experience with my facilitation partners. I have little interest in their lengthy responses to "How do you react when you believe that thought?" I find myself wanting to move us more quickly through question three.

How do you handle "the endless three?"


A: After all these years, I continue to be very interested in question three. If you have no interest in those answers, perhaps what you're hearing (or saying) are not answers at all, but stories. I'm not interested in backstory, "yeahbuts," "becauses" either—mine or anyone else's. I am very interested in observing how I live life, how we all live life, out of beliefs rather than out of reality. The answers to question three are observation of my past behavior: how I treat people, how I treat myself, how it feels in my body and brain when I believe a thought that's not true for me. This is the setting that affords me a contrast for question four and for the turnarounds.

For me, without the education of the four questions, the turnarounds are empty; either unsubstantiated affirmations, or sticks with which to beat myself. I want more than that: I want solid realizations that will not leave me, so that the next time I think I see a snake, I can know without a doubt that it's a rope.

Combined with the observations of question three, question four and the turnarounds give me a personal prescription for how to live more happily, peacefully and authentically. Without question three, the turnarounds can leave me feeling disconnected when "real life" kicks in and I find myself in the same situation with the same feelings as before. I will stay stuck there if I haven't given myself all that's available to me through thorough, fearless, honest inquiry.

If question three veers off into a story that takes the client away from inquiry, I point it out: "Let's go back to the question [I ask it again], and see if you can give some specifics of ____ [for instance, how you treat other people] whe you believe this thought." Or, "Let's stop here for a moment. I notice that you stopped answering the question and moved into an explanation (story, defense, justification, made it about them and not about your reaction, etc.)" Or you can simply ask the next question.

Sometimes question three takes awhile because there really is a lot to say about it; what the client is saying may not be a story. After awhile, as a faciliator (as a client also), you learn to tell the difference.

I also err on the side of letting a client ramble on a bit sometimes, particularly if they are new to The Work and very confused about what's troubling them. Everyone wants and deserves to be heard. Also, if I am listening closely, I may identify some good core beliefs out of their stories to give to the client later for further investigation.


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Be Your Own "Spin" Doctor

"down and down I go,
round and round I go,
like a leaf that's caught in a tide...
In a spin, loving the spin I'm in..."
—from the song "That Old Black Magic"

What does it mean to "spin" when you facilitate The Work or answer the questions? Spinning is moving away from inquiring into the original statement in favor of something tangential.

Spinning During Facilitation

A facilitator's spinning looks like this:

Client: "My mother doesn't respect my choices in life."
Facilitator: Your mother doesn't respect your choices in life; is that true?
Client: No.
Facilitator: How do you react when you believe that thought, what happens?
Client: I feel depressed, and I get angry with my mother. I blame her for all the unhappiness in my life. I don't want to see her or share my life with her...
Facilitator: You don't want to share your life with her; is that true?

Believe it or not, this happens; I've even experienced facilitators spinning me several times before getting back to the original statement, at which point I'm dizzy!

Why do facilitators spin? Usually it's well-meaning; they hear something come up in the course of inquiry that seems "juicier" to them than the original statement. Or, they think that going off on the tangent will be more helpful to the client.

How to stop spinning your client: make a note of the client's underlying beliefs as they answer question 3, "How do you react when you believe this thought?" You can facilitate the client on these later, or assign them as "homework: for the client to work on alone. (In the example above, "I don't want to share my life with my mother" is an underlying belief. "My mother is to blame for my unhappiness" is another.)


Spinning Around Instead of Turning Around

Spinning a turnaround means veering away from the original statement, often in order to make it into a positive. When we spin a turnaround, we are in effect turning around the turnaround, which then loses its power to open the mind.

Here's what spinning looks like in a turnaround:

Original statement: "My mother doesn't respect my choices."

Possible turnarounds:

To the opposite: "My mother does respect my choices."
To the other: "I don't respect my mother's choices."
To the self: "I don't respect my choices."

Spins: "I do respect my mother's choices." "I respect my choices." The spirit of the original statement has been lost.

Why do facilitators spin turnarounds? Sometimes they want the client to feel better. This is facilitation with a motive, and it's good to notice.

Why do clients spin turnarounds? They, too, would like to feel better. They may also feel pressure to come up with lots of turnarounds, believing that "more is better." Also, both clients and facilitators who are new to inquiry may misunderstand the purpose of turnarounds, which are neither self-flagellations nor affirmations. They are simply awareness-expanders.

How to stop spinning the turnarounds: remember that you don't get extra points for extra turnarounds; use the ones the make sense to you. Also, repeat the original statement to yourself; that way you'll be less likely to veer far off course. Sit with each turnaround, let it enlighten you, and come up with three genuine examples of how that turnaround could be as true or truer.

The Work's efficacy lies in its simplicity. You'll find you have more than enough with simple turnarounds, without having to get creative and clever with them.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Focus on Facilitation: Deepening Inquiry with "Turnaround Tricks"

In The Work, the turnaround is the final piece of the investigation. When we turn our thoughts around, we are not simply seeing if the opposite of our belief could be as true or truer than the original statement; we're also deepening our realizations as we expand our awareness.

Here are three ways to get "added value" from your turnarounds.


Acid Tests

After a client answers question four of The Work, "Who would you be without this thought?"—and just before the turnaround—Katie sometimes provides this theorem: "With the thought, stress. Without the thought, peace. Therefore it can't be about __________ . (Insert subject of inquiry here, e.g. "your son" or "the government.")

This trick brings us back to noticing how belief shapes our perception of reality...or, as the Stoic philosopher Epictetus pointed out centuries ago: "We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens."

In other words, my son isn't driving me crazy; my thoughts about my son are driving me crazy. It's not government corruption that bothers me; it's what I think it means. (And this doesn't mean I'll knowingly support dishonest politicians.)

Another way to apply an acid test is to return to the original statement after the turnarounds. Does it still appear to be true?

One more acid test: re-read the entire Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet, turned around to the opposite, or to "I," or to "my thinking."

Using "my thinking," a worksheet on the body might sound like this: "I am angry at my body because it is weak. I want my body to be stronger. My body shouldn't get so tired. I need my body to have more stamina. My body is out of shape, sickly, and fragile" becomes "I am angry at my thinking (about my body) because it is weak. I want my thinking to be stronger. My thinking shouldn't get so tired. I need my thinking to have more stamina. My thinking is out of shape, sickly, and fragile." Interesting, eh? What is weaker, the body, or the mind that believes a body can be a problem?

When writing about a person, try turning the entire sheet around to "I": "I am saddened by my brother-in-law because he is too angry and impatient with my nephew. I want my brother-in-law to see his is damaging his family. My brother-in-law shouldn't yell at Charles. I need him to get professional help. My brother-in-law is out of control" becomes "I am saddened by me because I am too angry and impatient with my brother-in-law. I want me to see I am damaging my family. I shouldn't yell at my brother-in-law (if only in my mind). I need me to get professional help. I am out of control (especially about my brother-in-law, in his business mentally all the time)." See how it works? It is as much about me as it is about the fictional brother-in-law.

Try reading an entire sheet as an opposite: "I am not saddened by old people because they are not needy and demanding. I don't want old people to die before they become incapacitated. They should live beyond their physical usefulness. I don't need them to not be a drain on their children's time and finances. Old people are (fragile, useless, disgusting) strong, useful, beautiful."

Once, a client of mine wrote a worksheet about her sisters. After we worked through the entire sheet, I asked her to put "my thinking" in place of "my sisters" and read the worksheet aloud that way. For instance, "I am saddened by my sisters because they are cold and distant" became "I am saddened by my thinking because it is cold and distant" (especially my thinking about my sisters). Try taking any worksheet you have written and put "my thinking" on all of it. Does it apply?


The Worst-Best Turnaround

Katie has said, "The worst that can happen is the best that can happen, but only always." How can that be? Test it. Take one of your statements that you have turned around to the opposite. "I want my wife to outlive me." "I don't want my wife to outlive me." What is the worst that could happen if your wife died first? "I'd be alone in my old age." Turned around, "The best that could happen is I'd be alone in my old age." Find at least three genuine ways that being alone in your old age could be for your highest good. Examples might include, "No one to dictate what I eat, what I wear, how much golf I play." "No fighting." "Room for wonderful new people in my life." "She won't have to watch me die." Of course, no one wants their spouse to die; this is about facing fear, and we fear what we do not understand.


Is the Universe Friendly?

This is a variation of the "worst-best" turnaround. "If the universe is friendly, why is ___(insert scary turnaround)___ a good thing? This is a riff on the Einstein quote, "There is only one important question to ask: Is the universe friendly?"

Allow your mind to open, and come up with at least three examples for yourself, and/or—if you can do it without crossing the line of "their business"—for the planet, for the person or institution you are writing about.

Example:

Original statement: "There should not be war in the world."

Turned around: "There should be war in the world." That's reality, there is war in the world. (It need not be forever, or even five minutes from now.)

If the universe is friendly, why is it a good thing that there is war in the world, presuming there is war?

1) War raises consciousness about injustice and violence, and brings together people who are interested in fostering peace.
2) War mirrors for me how I create war within myself, my family, on my job, and in my community when I believe stressful thoughts. I can do something about that war.
3) War creates jobs and provides salaries for people who work in the military, food service, uniform manufacturers, architecture, armaments, vehicle manufacturers, technology, journalism, toxic waste cleanup, medical personnel, government, politics, and even anti-war activists. (That's how it is now, and here's to plentiful peacetime jobs!)


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

I Want Out!

Have you ever had the thought, "I want out!"—out of your job, your relationship, your neighborhood, your country, parenthood, your commitments, prison, the hospital, the laundromat, your family reunion, this life in the body, any place or situation where you feel trapped, obligated, dead-ended?

Do you really want to know the truth? Ready to take a trip? Let's do The Work! You may want to say your answers to the questions below out loud, or write them down if it helps you to hold your realizations (I've answered the first two the way I would if I believed my thought, and you might say "no" instead).

If having a facilitator helps you to answer the questions honestly, you can pretend I am in front of you or on the telephone with you, asking them.


"I want out!"

Is it true? Hell, yeah!

Can you absolutely know that it's true? Yes!

How do you react when you believe this thought, what happens?

Some questions you may wish to answer:

Can you know what's best for your path in the long run?
Can you know more than God/Reality?
Where do you feel it in your body when you hold this belief?
What pictures come to mind?
How do you treat people when you think the thought, "I want out"?
How do you treat yourself, how do you live your life? What's the self-talk? Do you turn to addictions: comfort foods, the gym, drugs, oversleeping, alcohol, video games, TV, the telephone, shopping, trashy novels, self-mutilation?
Who and what are you avoiding when you believe the thought, "I want out"?
Who are you attacking mentally, and how do you do that?
Where do you feel it in your body when you think and believe the thought, "I want out"?
When did the thought first occur to you; go back to that time and place, and re-experience it.
Whose business are you in, mentally, when you believe this thought...yours, theirs, God's/Reality's business?
Where does your mind travel when you hold this belief; what thoughts of the past and future arise?
What terrible thing do you fear would happen if you no longer believed you wanted out?
Why do you hold this belief, what does it bring you, how does it serve? Is it a motivator? Is it protecting you? Does it give you a sense of control? How's that working for you?

Who would you be without this thought? (Please don't answer blithely, "I would be love, I would be peace, I would be freedom." Ugh! Instead, feel it; get a picture of yourself, in the same situation, or with the same people, and notice how you would live life—how you may already have lived life—without this thought. How would you feel, physically and mentally? What would you do differently?)

Turn the thought around. (To the opposite, and to "my thinking" if it works for you.) Is the turnaround as true or truer? Give three specific, genuine examples from your life for each turnaround.

Go deeper. If the universe is friendly, why is it a good thing that you are not "out" but "in?"


©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.