March 1, 2008

Saturday Night Silliness


Facili-tater (noun): One who asks a client four questions while supine on a couch, clutching a remote in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.

Cli-ant (noun): Social insect of the Formicidae family that questions its stressful beliefs. "It's too crowded in this anthill; can I absolutely know it's true?"

Ton-arounds (pl. noun): Result of believing that the one with the most reversals wins, whether they make sense or not: "'I want my sister to shut up.' Okay, the opposite is 'I don't want my sister to shut up.' That's truer. I want her to do what she does if it makes her happy; I can just put in some ear plugs or go into the other room...and I like it when she talks sometimes, I have heard her say some interesting things...also someone might really need to hear what she has to say, even if it's not me...and it's possible that if she held it in she'd spontaneously combust. I can come up with a dozen more examples...well, okay, I'll do the next one: 'I want myself to shut up.' Gee, I can't find that one, except...maybe sometime later I will want to shut up, even if I don't now. Oh, and I want to stop talking in my sleep, for sure, since it disturbs my wife. 'I want my thinking to shut up.' Yeah, because my thinking thinks it knows what's right, and it keeps on thinking and it doesn't shut up; and it doesn't let me talk, and it doesn't let others talk, it just yammers on and on and on, you know? That's only one example, is that okay? 'I want my sister to let it out.' Well, her skirts are really short and it's cold out now, so I want her to let out the hems so that she'll be covered up more, that way she might feel warmer...and also the spontaneous combustion thing would be messy...and I believe people have the right to express themselves whether I want to hear it nor not. Oh, and 'My sister wants me to shut up.' Yeah, one time when we were kids she 'shooshed' me in church; also she hates it when I sing in the shower, and she thinks there are some things about her last relationship that I shouldn't tell her husband. Wait, I have another, two more...."

Inkwirey (noun, obsolete): The Work via telegram.


Two thoughts started to enter a bar, but the bouncer stopped them at the door and said, "Sorry, we don't serve thoughts here." So they turned around and took themselves home.


Q: Why did the lumberjack fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet?
A: Because he had an axe to grind.


The Work in Alphabet Land (with apologies to Abbott and Costello):

Letter A: Who would you be without that thought?
Letter C: B.
Letter A: That's right, "be." Who would you be...
Letter C: I heard you. B.
Letter A: (Pause.) (Longer pause.) Um...would you like to answer this question?
Letter C: Yes. B.
Letter A: The Work stops working when you don't answer the questions.
Letter C: I did answer it!
Letter A: (To self under breath) Ask the questions...hold the space for the wrong answers... (To C) All righty then, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Let's try that again. Who would you be without that thought?
Letter C: B.
Letter A: Yes, "be."
Letter C: Exactly!
Letter A: Ohhhhkay, whatever. Now turn the thought around. "B won't join me..."
Letter C: B will join me. We're two peas ina pod. There's nothing we can do to be separate. That's what I keep trying to tell you!
Letter A: When did you try to tell me that?
Letter C: Hey, that's not one of the subquestions!
Letter A: You're absolutely right, it isn't, and this is not working.
Letter C: It would, if you'd only listen.
Letter A: I understand your frustration. (To self) All too well. (To C) So...would you like a cup of tea?
Letter C: I'd love one, later, after we finish doing The Work.
Letter A: We're finished.
Letter C: I'm not finished.
Letter A: You didn't answer question four, so there's really no point in continuing...
Letter C: I said, "B."
Letter A: That's right, "Be." Who would you be...
Letter C: B!
Letter T: Did someone ask for T?
Letter A: Thank goodness you're here. Yes, have you got any?
Letter T: Got any what?
Letter A: Tea!
Letter T: I heard you, that's why I came. What do you need?
Letters A and C: Tea! We need tea!
Letter T: I'm here, hellooooo! So what can I do for you?
Letter A: Nothing. Forget it. Just forget it. (Leaves.)
Letter C: Wow, she's so impatient. You wouldn't believe what just happened.
Letter T: You seem upset. Wanna do the work on A?
Letter C: Eh?
Letter T: Yes, A. I mean, I'm available if you want to....Wait just a moment, someone's at the door. Who is it?
Letter B: It is I!
Letter C: Hmm. Sounds an awful lot like B to me...



©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

No comments: