Many couples have discovered the clarity and healing that can occur when doing inquiry together on relationship issues. Inquiry with a partner consists of writing down your stressful thoughts about each other, and facilitating each other on your judgments. It's a powerful practice...and it can feel unsafe to be in the vulnerable position either of sharing these resentments or hearing them. It's tempting to interrupt, defend and justify. Hurt feels may occur, or it may feel as if you've both vented but not gotten anywhere.
Doing partner work with a facilitator can support you in the process until you and your partner are ready to work with each other on your own. Friends of mine, a married couple, who recently completed several months of once-weekly sessions of The Work of Byron Katie with me as their facilitator, experienced this and have kindly allowed me to share their realizations with you.
During our 1-1/2 hour weekly (and later biweekly) meetings, S. and R. shared with each other their stressful beliefs about each other and about their relationship. I facilitated inquiry with each of them in turn; each witnessed the other's process in silence. When there was the impulse to justify or defend, I was there to redirect the energy towards inquiry. There was time at the end of each sessions for sharing, clarification and feedback.
At the end of our last session, they summed up their experience.
R: I've had so many "shoulds" about S. that are not there anymore. Little things about her—for instance, her not being organized—that used to bother me a lot now bug me a whole lot less, because I know I have options and possibilities other than staying irritated. And it does seem that S. has become more organized.
S: Since he doesn't get angry as often, I don't feel so bogged down and I am more productive.
R: Before we did this work together, I didn't realize how destructive I was in the relationship, how I was the instigator in almost all cases when she was very upset with me. Since discovering this, we have fewer arguments and when we do have differences, we're able to work things out a lot faster.
S: R. no longer throws up a road block to what I want, and so I have become totally present to what needs to be done. For instance, he's supposed to clean the cat's litter box. If too much time passes and he doesn't do it, and I want it done, I do it myself. In the past I would have said, "Let him do it, that's his job."
Also, during this work, I've brought out a lot of painful issues with the intent to heal them. I was afraid that by being so honest I was hurting R. But in the process I have seen the good in him, his big heart, how supportive and generous he has always been. He has a lot of qualities that I love and always have, but when I was angry, those were on the back burner. Before we did this work, I never told R. to his face what I love about him.
R: I wasn't hurt; I was glad she was able to get her resentments out instead of sitting on them.
S: Another thing that has come out of these sessions is that I stand up for what I want.
R: Doing The Work together, we had a breakthrough about redoing our guest room. We realized that when I behave in a certain way, her reactivity makes things even worse.
S. When he gets controlling, I feel cornered and I fight him. He did The Work on me, shared it with me, and I saw how I make it worse. Now instead of acting out, I can just tell him, "R., calm down!" That's what we agreed I would do.
R: In short, we have a much better relationship. We're much more peaceful, less stressed...
S: We have more harmony in our lives. Before, I felt I had to fight for everything, that he would always tell me no. Now I don't fight, and he says yes! And if he says no, we can talk about it and work things out. There is space for that now. We are healthy plants growing in good soil.
Over the weeks, I noticed how both R. and S. would increasingly catch themselves in the middle of a "yeahbut," get themselves back on track without my prompting, and take the opportunity to do their own work on the underlying beliefs I wrote down for them during their sessions. Now R. and S. are more motivated to inquire into their resentments as needed, either on their own or together as a couple, facilitating each other or hearing each other's work.
If you are experiencing challenges in your relationship and are each willing to question your beliefs, couples sessions are a great way to open communication, find and question the source of your difficulties, deepen intimacy, and solve your problems together.
If you would like to explore the possibilities of doing "relation-shift" work, I invite you and your partner to contact me at carol (at) clearlifesolutions.com to arrange for your complimentary needs assessment.
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
March 23, 2011
February 17, 2011
The Economy Is Bad; Is That True?
My client called me the other night with a remarkable Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the economy. I, too, like to do The Work on institutions—things (society, my body, my job, the weather, war, New York) as opposed to sentient beings (my upstairs neighbor, the governor of California, my father, the cat). We react to all outside sources that aren't doing what we want in the same way we react to people who aren't doing what we want. The outcome of doing this inner work is also the same: we get a printout of our current thinking, and a roadmap to alternate routes.
An economic recession lasts as long as it does; my stressful thinking about recession may last forever if I don't meet it with understanding. My thinking—not the unemployment statistics or the California state budget deficit—is what kicks me out of paradise. Jobs come and go; our thinking goes right after them. Markets fluctuate; our minds fluctuate right along with them. We watch our stocks rise; our happiness rises with them, temporarily. We watch them go down, and down we go. The experts say the future is bleak, and we believe them. Yesterday, an article in the New York Times said there will be employment growth this spring. Now I have a bad economy, but I have hope. And none of it means anything; it's all in my head.
No one can accurately predict what's going to happen in any given economy, in part because we simply don't have all the information, and in larger part because we are not in control of all of the factors. You can follow your broker's advice, or your brother's...take a second job...cut back on luxuries, or on what you used to consider necessities...sell your house now...sell your house later...file for bankruptcy...raise your fees...lower your fees...and there are no guarantees.
But what you can do, with an excellent return, is question your stressful beliefs about what is happening in the economy, in your working life, and in your life in general. "Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it," says Byron Katie. My client discovered this when he examined thoughts about losing his job and being unable to pay rent, when in fact he has a job and had just closed some deals.
What is the worst that could happen if you lost everything? If you question your fears, you may come to see that the worst that could happen is already happening, in your mind...and, as you may have noticed, body follows mind. If I think, "What's the use?" I won't market my services. If I live in the future of lack, I'm already lacking and failing to notice I have everything I need in this moment.
Not long after the dot-com bust 10 years ago, I watched the financial expert Suze Orman help a woman who had lost nearly everything to strategize about her future. Because of bad advice, the woman had cashed in her pension when she lost her job, instead of rolling it over into an IRA. Now she had no job, and her net worth went from five digits to just $900. Orman told her, "Don't look at what you had; look at what you have. $900 is a lot of money; what can you do with it now?" I don't know about the woman on TV, but I know that advice was for me: don't look at what you had; look at what you have. When I'm in my "stuff," I forget about what's available here, now.
What is the best that could happen if you lost everything? You could get a fresh start, as a couple of friends of mine did when they walked away from their mortgages. You could find a whole new career and discover skills you didn't know you had; that's exciting. (It's happened to me several times in my 53 years, and I seem to be okay.) You get to bust your old paradigms and test new, more fun ones that might work better than the "tried and true" which turned out to be not so true. You get to see what you are really made of, put your creativity and smarts to the test. You even get to let people help you! As you continue to inquire, your mind opens and you see that there are infinite possibilities in what I like to call "a parallel universe of peace."
The root word of recession is "recess." Remember how we loved recess at school? What would keep us from loving it now?
The economy is bad...who would you be in this economy without that thought?
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
An economic recession lasts as long as it does; my stressful thinking about recession may last forever if I don't meet it with understanding. My thinking—not the unemployment statistics or the California state budget deficit—is what kicks me out of paradise. Jobs come and go; our thinking goes right after them. Markets fluctuate; our minds fluctuate right along with them. We watch our stocks rise; our happiness rises with them, temporarily. We watch them go down, and down we go. The experts say the future is bleak, and we believe them. Yesterday, an article in the New York Times said there will be employment growth this spring. Now I have a bad economy, but I have hope. And none of it means anything; it's all in my head.
No one can accurately predict what's going to happen in any given economy, in part because we simply don't have all the information, and in larger part because we are not in control of all of the factors. You can follow your broker's advice, or your brother's...take a second job...cut back on luxuries, or on what you used to consider necessities...sell your house now...sell your house later...file for bankruptcy...raise your fees...lower your fees...and there are no guarantees.
But what you can do, with an excellent return, is question your stressful beliefs about what is happening in the economy, in your working life, and in your life in general. "Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it," says Byron Katie. My client discovered this when he examined thoughts about losing his job and being unable to pay rent, when in fact he has a job and had just closed some deals.
What is the worst that could happen if you lost everything? If you question your fears, you may come to see that the worst that could happen is already happening, in your mind...and, as you may have noticed, body follows mind. If I think, "What's the use?" I won't market my services. If I live in the future of lack, I'm already lacking and failing to notice I have everything I need in this moment.
Not long after the dot-com bust 10 years ago, I watched the financial expert Suze Orman help a woman who had lost nearly everything to strategize about her future. Because of bad advice, the woman had cashed in her pension when she lost her job, instead of rolling it over into an IRA. Now she had no job, and her net worth went from five digits to just $900. Orman told her, "Don't look at what you had; look at what you have. $900 is a lot of money; what can you do with it now?" I don't know about the woman on TV, but I know that advice was for me: don't look at what you had; look at what you have. When I'm in my "stuff," I forget about what's available here, now.
What is the best that could happen if you lost everything? You could get a fresh start, as a couple of friends of mine did when they walked away from their mortgages. You could find a whole new career and discover skills you didn't know you had; that's exciting. (It's happened to me several times in my 53 years, and I seem to be okay.) You get to bust your old paradigms and test new, more fun ones that might work better than the "tried and true" which turned out to be not so true. You get to see what you are really made of, put your creativity and smarts to the test. You even get to let people help you! As you continue to inquire, your mind opens and you see that there are infinite possibilities in what I like to call "a parallel universe of peace."
The root word of recession is "recess." Remember how we loved recess at school? What would keep us from loving it now?
The economy is bad...who would you be in this economy without that thought?
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
February 10, 2011
The Nightmare Ends
My client J. gave me permission to share this with you. She writes:
"Here's a dream I had in December which I attribute directly to The Work and being free to love and be kind. It is a friendly universe.
"I'm in my kitchen...there are several people around both in the kitchen and the living room. A car drives up and three local guys get out. I go towards the door to meet them, open the door, and one guy sticks what I assume is a knife into my abdomen. I say, 'Are you going to rob me?' and he says yes.
"I am so happy. I tell him I am delighted that he is going to rob me and I look around for money in the kitchen. I find some and give it to him happily. Then I say I have more in my purse in the living room and we go in there. [My husband] is sitting there with others, watching us.
"I find my purse, get my wallet and go to where I keep big bills. I pull out all the $50s I have and hand them to him He puts down the knife at that point—it turns out to be tweezers—and I put them in my pocket. He has a tear running down his cheek and he asks me why I'm doing this. I tell him it's because I love him...and I sincerely do love him. He says he loves me too, turns and leaves.
"At the kitchen window are three other young locals asking me if I have a dog. I say, 'Yes and she'll bark but she won't bite, so don't worry.' They all leave.
"I go somewhere and see D. who says, 'You'd better rest after that horrible ordeal.' I say that it wasn't a horrible ordeal and I certainly don't need to rest."
Thank you, J. for doing your work, living your truth and sharing your heart with us.
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
"Here's a dream I had in December which I attribute directly to The Work and being free to love and be kind. It is a friendly universe.
"I'm in my kitchen...there are several people around both in the kitchen and the living room. A car drives up and three local guys get out. I go towards the door to meet them, open the door, and one guy sticks what I assume is a knife into my abdomen. I say, 'Are you going to rob me?' and he says yes.
"I am so happy. I tell him I am delighted that he is going to rob me and I look around for money in the kitchen. I find some and give it to him happily. Then I say I have more in my purse in the living room and we go in there. [My husband] is sitting there with others, watching us.
"I find my purse, get my wallet and go to where I keep big bills. I pull out all the $50s I have and hand them to him He puts down the knife at that point—it turns out to be tweezers—and I put them in my pocket. He has a tear running down his cheek and he asks me why I'm doing this. I tell him it's because I love him...and I sincerely do love him. He says he loves me too, turns and leaves.
"At the kitchen window are three other young locals asking me if I have a dog. I say, 'Yes and she'll bark but she won't bite, so don't worry.' They all leave.
"I go somewhere and see D. who says, 'You'd better rest after that horrible ordeal.' I say that it wasn't a horrible ordeal and I certainly don't need to rest."
Thank you, J. for doing your work, living your truth and sharing your heart with us.
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
January 19, 2011
January 14, 2011
Turning Around B.S.
In recent months I seem to have developed an extreme intolerance to b.s. In particular, I get uncomfortable around absolutist statements regarding teachings that don't work for me (so I may not be the best person to talk to about Satan, contacting your angel guides, or the wit and wisdom of Sarah Palin)...or those that trigger "cult" memories (such as the words "impure" and "negativity," terms used to keep us devotees in line at the ashram), or stuff from my own mentors that seems downright incorrect in my experience (just because you-know-who says "All sadness is a minor tantrum" doesn't make it true)...and, last but not least, by my own attempts to b.s. others by hiding behind insincerity, spiritual talk, quotable quotes and smiley chat icons like this one :).
I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.
So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:
1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.
Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.
2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.
Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.
3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?
For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.
Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"
A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.
Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.
So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:
1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.
Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.
2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.
Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.
3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?
For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.
Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"
A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.
Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!
©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
December 24, 2010
Merries and Happies
To my friends, clients and colleagues around the world...
I'm a big fan of fresh starts. I've always loved "back to school," "first day of Spring," and ringing in the New Year with the best of intentions.
Of course we need not wait until a certain date to make fresh starts. But if New Year's is your traditional resolution time, it's as good a time as any to set things into motion in a positive way.
I for one intend (I don't make resolutions, which I tend to break) to do what it takes to let the good things in my life grow, by reaching out, saying yes, moving in directions that feel good and true for me, facing my fears, cleaning up my messes, and dealing with my resentments. Not because I "should" do these things, but because I love how I feel when I do.
This year, I say "yes!" to is working directly with more people like you, who value the work of inquiry. I say "yes!" to more powerful collaborations with other coaches and practitioners and to more public speaking. "Yes!" to helping more couples overcome obstacles in their relationships and having more loving partnerships. "Yes!" to journeying with individuals who are ready to make big changes and would like support. "Yes!" to working with visionary leaders who know that a conscious and communicative workforce is a profitable workforce. Together, we are a force of nature who can make things happen!
In addition, I am committed to making my services available to more people who want to work with me on an ongoing basis but have limited means. Currently, through the end of 2011, I am offering prepaid 12-session packages to subscribers to my newsletter at a much rate lower than the one published on my website. Other arrangements are available for nonprofit groups and unemployed or underemployed individuals. (If you fit this description, please contact me through my website for more information.)
I am also committed to giving back. Throughout 2011, I will donate $10 of any contracted fee of $900 or more to one of several charities and foundations that I currently support: Partners In Health, Groundworks Opportunities, World Wildlife Fund, or the Institute for The Work.
I see this New Year as one where we can shake off whatever has been holding us back and move towards our own greatness...where the stories of the past do not prevent us from peace, prosperity, health and happiness in the here and now...where we can handle whatever comes with clarity and a strong center, and where we support each other in mutual service. Will you join me?
November 22, 2010
Got Gratitude? If Not, Try This
2010 has been a difficult year for many of us, the world over. I have friends who have been successful and productive for most of their lives who are now unemployed or underemployed, have lost their homes or are in foreclosure, who have become clients of food pantries, and who have had health crises they can't afford to address.
Not everyone has a supportive family, a spouse or friends to help. Some of us who do may feel they don't do enough for us. We look to our politicians; what have they done for us lately? Where's our economic recovery?
And we're supposed to be thankful now?
Well...it might be a little easier to cope with the hardships if we could muster up some gratitude for what we have.
I don't suggest we go all Pollyanna and say we are glad to be living in a friend's basement when in fact we are not glad about that...or grateful to have at least one good hip when the other one's disintegrating and hurting like hell. No government worker I know here in Santa Cruz is glad about the furlough days that cut into their salaries.
So I suggest we take a look at the people, institutions and bodies that have done us wrong in this past year, and ask ourselves...
1. What have I received from this person, place, institution or body? Maybe not today, maybe not this week, this month or this year. What about in this lifetime? Make a list and be specific; don't negate any of what you have received, no matter how small or insignificant you rate it. Example: "My husband walks the dog sometimes." "My body wakes up every morning." "My mother read to me when I was little." "The pantry gave me government-issue cheese and canned beans for six months."
2. What have I done for this person, place, institution or body lately? Put it in writing. Notice how it feels to read your list. Does it feel like "enough" for you? Did you do these things out of obligation, with generosity, with a motive to get something in return, because you were afraid not to?
3. Is there something I am not acknowledging or appreciating about what this person, place, institution or body has given or done for me? Am I seeing it as "not enough," "too little, too late," "they owed it to me," or a "yeahbut"? What would it be like to drop the qualifiers?
4. Is there anything I want to say or do for the person, place, institution or body, now that I have looked at my thinking? Am I grateful to them? Do I want to make amends? How can I express my gratitude, or be of service, in a way that would feel comfortable, true and non-manipulative?
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Not everyone has a supportive family, a spouse or friends to help. Some of us who do may feel they don't do enough for us. We look to our politicians; what have they done for us lately? Where's our economic recovery?
And we're supposed to be thankful now?
Well...it might be a little easier to cope with the hardships if we could muster up some gratitude for what we have.
I don't suggest we go all Pollyanna and say we are glad to be living in a friend's basement when in fact we are not glad about that...or grateful to have at least one good hip when the other one's disintegrating and hurting like hell. No government worker I know here in Santa Cruz is glad about the furlough days that cut into their salaries.
So I suggest we take a look at the people, institutions and bodies that have done us wrong in this past year, and ask ourselves...
1. What have I received from this person, place, institution or body? Maybe not today, maybe not this week, this month or this year. What about in this lifetime? Make a list and be specific; don't negate any of what you have received, no matter how small or insignificant you rate it. Example: "My husband walks the dog sometimes." "My body wakes up every morning." "My mother read to me when I was little." "The pantry gave me government-issue cheese and canned beans for six months."
2. What have I done for this person, place, institution or body lately? Put it in writing. Notice how it feels to read your list. Does it feel like "enough" for you? Did you do these things out of obligation, with generosity, with a motive to get something in return, because you were afraid not to?
3. Is there something I am not acknowledging or appreciating about what this person, place, institution or body has given or done for me? Am I seeing it as "not enough," "too little, too late," "they owed it to me," or a "yeahbut"? What would it be like to drop the qualifiers?
4. Is there anything I want to say or do for the person, place, institution or body, now that I have looked at my thinking? Am I grateful to them? Do I want to make amends? How can I express my gratitude, or be of service, in a way that would feel comfortable, true and non-manipulative?
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
October 25, 2010
Is There Such A Thing as Energy Transmission?
Does this do anything for you?
I've watched it twice and I didn't feel a thing. That doesn't mean Eckhart's work is ineffective. It just means that one woman's "transmission" is another woman's lack thereof. I'm certainly open to feeling something...but then, I had no expectations before watching this that I would. While I like Eckhart Tolle's writings and resonate with a lot of what he says, I don't have a story about his having special abilities. Maybe if I believed he could wake me up, I would have woken up watching this, but that would have had nothing to do with him. The thought, "Here's an enlightened one, and s/he's going to awaken me," could result in something that feels good. And if the good feelings don't last...what would I have that I didn't have before? What did I lose? What happened to my story of energy transmission?
Similarly, if I feel terrible when I'm around someone I have labeled in a negative way, it's still just a story. I may not like the person or I may feel uncomfortable around them, but no one can make me feel one way or another. I am reacting to an image, an idea. (This doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a room with an armed and dangerous serial killer!)
Teachers are great for pointing the way to the heart, but ultimately it's our own hearts we get in touch with in their name. That's why a particular teacher works for some folks and not for others. It's also why it's not necessary to negate all the goodness we have experienced in relationship to a teacher (or to any human being) if the relationship ends in disappointment, or has run its course.
Unless we're talking about fixing a car, I don't find this emphasis on "transmission" to be helpful; I find it creates someone higher and someone lower.
I prefer to know that I can "enlighten" myself in any given moment by being present with what is happening now (for example, through inquiry). Then there is no dependency on anything or anyone outside myself; and everyone is equally blessed with the power of transmission.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I've watched it twice and I didn't feel a thing. That doesn't mean Eckhart's work is ineffective. It just means that one woman's "transmission" is another woman's lack thereof. I'm certainly open to feeling something...but then, I had no expectations before watching this that I would. While I like Eckhart Tolle's writings and resonate with a lot of what he says, I don't have a story about his having special abilities. Maybe if I believed he could wake me up, I would have woken up watching this, but that would have had nothing to do with him. The thought, "Here's an enlightened one, and s/he's going to awaken me," could result in something that feels good. And if the good feelings don't last...what would I have that I didn't have before? What did I lose? What happened to my story of energy transmission?
Similarly, if I feel terrible when I'm around someone I have labeled in a negative way, it's still just a story. I may not like the person or I may feel uncomfortable around them, but no one can make me feel one way or another. I am reacting to an image, an idea. (This doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a room with an armed and dangerous serial killer!)
Teachers are great for pointing the way to the heart, but ultimately it's our own hearts we get in touch with in their name. That's why a particular teacher works for some folks and not for others. It's also why it's not necessary to negate all the goodness we have experienced in relationship to a teacher (or to any human being) if the relationship ends in disappointment, or has run its course.
Unless we're talking about fixing a car, I don't find this emphasis on "transmission" to be helpful; I find it creates someone higher and someone lower.
I prefer to know that I can "enlighten" myself in any given moment by being present with what is happening now (for example, through inquiry). Then there is no dependency on anything or anyone outside myself; and everyone is equally blessed with the power of transmission.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
October 5, 2010
Ask A Facilitator: Won't I Be a Doormat?
Q: If I answer Question 4, "Who would I be without that thought?" it's just speculation. In reality, I'd be an idiot without my thoughts, ignoring the facts and with no protection. Can't I just skip to the turnarounds?
A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.
In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).
I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."
When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"
That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.
Example:
Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)
So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.
Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.
Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.
A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.
In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).
I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."
When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"
That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.
Example:
Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)
So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.
Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.
Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.
©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.
September 10, 2010
In the Name of The Work, How Do I Abandon The Work?
Byron Katie has said, "If I think you need The Work, I need The Work."
I'll take it one step further: outside of a mutually agreed-upon, facilitator-client relationship, in the moment I invite you to question your thoughts, I have left The Work; it has become something else entirely.
What do I mean by this? Discuss.
I'll take it one step further: outside of a mutually agreed-upon, facilitator-client relationship, in the moment I invite you to question your thoughts, I have left The Work; it has become something else entirely.
What do I mean by this? Discuss.
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