Focus On Facilitation: Using "Is the Universe Friendly?" with a Hard-to-Find Story

Einstein purportedly said that there was only one important question to ask: "Is the universe friendly?" I've noticed that the more I do The Work, the more open I am to the possibility that I do live in a friendly universe, even though "bad" things happen. If an issue feels unresolved after inquiry, there is usually an underlying belief that I haven't found or that hasn't yet been examined.

If an issue is particularly sticky for your client, even after turning it around, this exercise can help the client uncover and work with underlying beliefs that haven't come out in the course of inquiry.

Let's say my client is doing The Work on the thought "There's nothing good about my job." I as the facilitator don't dispute this as the client holds his belief up against the four-questions of inquiry, and sees how believing it affects his life and work.

The client turns the thought around: "There's plenty that's good about my job," and provides examples (he gets a paycheck, he gets benefits, he likes to have lunch with some of his co-workers). He examines the turnaround, "There's nothing good about my thinking (about my job)," and he finds where that could be as true or truer He says he can't find any more turnarounds.

I suggest the turnaround, "There's nothing bad about my job." The client still thinks there is something bad about it and doesn't want to go there.

"Okay," I say, "Tell me about that. What specifically is bad about your job?" He makes a list of his "proof," including:

He doesn't have enough to do.
Data entry is boring.'
Our data entry system is cumbersome and outdated.
The commute to and from the office is grueling.
There is no room for advancement.

Next, we get to see if any of these "proofs" truly means there is something bad about the job.

We start at the top: "I don't have enough to do."

I ask the client, "If the universe is friendly, why is this a good thing?"

He discovers three examples:

1. It gives him time and space to find ways to improve upon the task he has been assigned; in doing so, he actually becomes a more efficient employee, more valuable to the company.
2. It gives him time to job-hunt; so many other people who would like to change jobs are so overworked they can't find a way to keep their position while they researching other possibilities.
3. Sometimes he has time during the workday to do The Work on the things he doesn't like about his job! (Not that we're suggesting using work time as Work time; but this was his reality!)

There are stories behind every story. When the client looked for proof that his story was true, he excavated those deeper stories. Investigated, some of what the client thought was terrible about his job could be seen as positive aspects. Some of those "benefits" made the job more tolerable in the meantime, while others showed him a clear path to his next career move.

In a friendly universe—the parallel universe of peace—a boring, dead end job can be a bonus, a teacher, the perfect bend in the path. We need only look more closely in order to find the gifts.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Resilience: Wildfires in a Friendly Universe

As you are probably aware, California is burning. This is not unusual for the Golden State, although the fires began a couple of months before the "official wildfire season." Because of extreme dryness, this year's fires have been particularly virulent.

My city, Santa Cruz, has not gone down in flames, but surrounding areas have had major damage: Big Sur, Big Basin, the Summit fires, Carmel Valley. Even downtown near the water, our morning air has that distinctive smell of a lumberyard combined with a fireplace. Many homes have been lost or damaged; no human deaths, but many animals have perished. The sky is as hazy as any smog day in Los Angeles, and it's been difficult for those with respiratory problems to breathe.

My thanks to Kathy Loh, a coach who lives in the Santa Cruz mountains near me, for posting this to the Co-active Network. The source is the Humboldt Redwoods State Park literature:

"Coast redwoods do not have a single taproot. Instead, they form a shallow network of relatively small roots that extend radially, up to a hundred feet from the base. The ends of the roots are fibrous, allowing them maximum surface area to obtain moisture and nutrients. If a flood buries the roots too deeply in silt, they have the ability to grow and explore their way upward toward more oxygenated soil. In addition to root collar burl sprouting, coast redwood also reproduces from seed. Flowering occurs in December and January with cones maturing over the spring and summer. In the autumn, the cones open on the trees and, on the average, 50 to 100 tiny seeds sprinkle out. Seedlings survive best in exposed mineral soil that often occurs as a result of fire, flood and uprooted trees."

Some of our coastal redwoods are older than Jesus. I love visiting these trees. They've seen and survived through a lot. They are not only resilient, they continue to grow because of "disasters."

As do we.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Copyright Violation Enlightenment and Other Odd Ways to Wake Up

I'm going to plug the blog of a wonderful writer who "borrowed" my content without askng me, without link-back, and without compensation. Unless s/he's reading this, I can't even let the blogger know, without raising some sort of stink with Blogger owner Google (a losing proposition anyway), because the comments at his/her blog are disabled and there's no contact link to the anonymous author.

Anyway, once I realized that I was about to go to war with reality, I saw how the friendly universe manifests so beautifully in this "violation." I mean, s/he does, in his/her blogroll, link not only to this blog but to my website; and s/he loves The Work, which can only do me a world of good as well as the author.

If I could, I would give him/her permission to quote the article that has already been quoted in its entirety, and I'd sure like another link-back and my apparently useless copyright info. tacked onto it. :)

Anyway, for your edification, I invite you to visit my anonymous friend's blog, the name of which is also "borrowed": http://byronkatie.blogspot.com. (Katie isn't the author, for the record.)

I just love the way the author finds moments of satori in the mundane world of dead cats on the road, toileting, and a car accident. It's a bit like A Thousand Names for Joy Lite.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Focus on Facilitation: Deepening Inquiry with "Turnaround Tricks"

In The Work, the turnaround is the final piece of the investigation. When we turn our thoughts around, we are not simply seeing if the opposite of our belief could be as true or truer than the original statement; we're also deepening our realizations as we expand our awareness.

Here are three ways to get "added value" from your turnarounds.


Acid Tests

After a client answers question four of The Work, "Who would you be without this thought?"—and just before the turnaround—Katie sometimes provides this theorem: "With the thought, stress. Without the thought, peace. Therefore it can't be about __________ . (Insert subject of inquiry here, e.g. "your son" or "the government.")

This trick brings us back to noticing how belief shapes our perception of reality...or, as the Stoic philosopher Epictetus pointed out centuries ago: "We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens."

In other words, my son isn't driving me crazy; my thoughts about my son are driving me crazy. It's not government corruption that bothers me; it's what I think it means. (And this doesn't mean I'll knowingly support dishonest politicians.)

Another way to apply an acid test is to return to the original statement after the turnarounds. Does it still appear to be true?

One more acid test: re-read the entire Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet, turned around to the opposite, or to "I," or to "my thinking."

Using "my thinking," a worksheet on the body might sound like this: "I am angry at my body because it is weak. I want my body to be stronger. My body shouldn't get so tired. I need my body to have more stamina. My body is out of shape, sickly, and fragile" becomes "I am angry at my thinking (about my body) because it is weak. I want my thinking to be stronger. My thinking shouldn't get so tired. I need my thinking to have more stamina. My thinking is out of shape, sickly, and fragile." Interesting, eh? What is weaker, the body, or the mind that believes a body can be a problem?

When writing about a person, try turning the entire sheet around to "I": "I am saddened by my brother-in-law because he is too angry and impatient with my nephew. I want my brother-in-law to see his is damaging his family. My brother-in-law shouldn't yell at Charles. I need him to get professional help. My brother-in-law is out of control" becomes "I am saddened by me because I am too angry and impatient with my brother-in-law. I want me to see I am damaging my family. I shouldn't yell at my brother-in-law (if only in my mind). I need me to get professional help. I am out of control (especially about my brother-in-law, in his business mentally all the time)." See how it works? It is as much about me as it is about the fictional brother-in-law.

Try reading an entire sheet as an opposite: "I am not saddened by old people because they are not needy and demanding. I don't want old people to die before they become incapacitated. They should live beyond their physical usefulness. I don't need them to not be a drain on their children's time and finances. Old people are (fragile, useless, disgusting) strong, useful, beautiful."

Once, a client of mine wrote a worksheet about her sisters. After we worked through the entire sheet, I asked her to put "my thinking" in place of "my sisters" and read the worksheet aloud that way. For instance, "I am saddened by my sisters because they are cold and distant" became "I am saddened by my thinking because it is cold and distant" (especially my thinking about my sisters). Try taking any worksheet you have written and put "my thinking" on all of it. Does it apply?


The Worst-Best Turnaround

Katie has said, "The worst that can happen is the best that can happen, but only always." How can that be? Test it. Take one of your statements that you have turned around to the opposite. "I want my wife to outlive me." "I don't want my wife to outlive me." What is the worst that could happen if your wife died first? "I'd be alone in my old age." Turned around, "The best that could happen is I'd be alone in my old age." Find at least three genuine ways that being alone in your old age could be for your highest good. Examples might include, "No one to dictate what I eat, what I wear, how much golf I play." "No fighting." "Room for wonderful new people in my life." "She won't have to watch me die." Of course, no one wants their spouse to die; this is about facing fear, and we fear what we do not understand.


Is the Universe Friendly?

This is a variation of the "worst-best" turnaround. "If the universe is friendly, why is ___(insert scary turnaround)___ a good thing? This is a riff on the Einstein quote, "There is only one important question to ask: Is the universe friendly?"

Allow your mind to open, and come up with at least three examples for yourself, and/or—if you can do it without crossing the line of "their business"—for the planet, for the person or institution you are writing about.

Example:

Original statement: "There should not be war in the world."

Turned around: "There should be war in the world." That's reality, there is war in the world. (It need not be forever, or even five minutes from now.)

If the universe is friendly, why is it a good thing that there is war in the world, presuming there is war?

1) War raises consciousness about injustice and violence, and brings together people who are interested in fostering peace.
2) War mirrors for me how I create war within myself, my family, on my job, and in my community when I believe stressful thoughts. I can do something about that war.
3) War creates jobs and provides salaries for people who work in the military, food service, uniform manufacturers, architecture, armaments, vehicle manufacturers, technology, journalism, toxic waste cleanup, medical personnel, government, politics, and even anti-war activists. (That's how it is now, and here's to plentiful peacetime jobs!)


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

The Worst/Best Thing That Could Happen

Charles Dickens said, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us..." (From A Tale of Two Cities.)

Byron Katie tells us, "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen, but only always." (It's that "the universe is friendly" deal.)

If this reasoning makes you feel a little schizophrenic, you're not alone. We don't call it The Work for nothing.

Here's my recent encounter with that thing I call hellacious grace:

Thursday night, Sept. 27: I perform a routine software upgrade on my already troublesome new laptop. The machine makes an eerie noise, the screen goes black, and it shuts down. Naturally, it is fifteen minutes past the time my computer's manufacturer's customer care reps shut down for the night.

I try all the rebooting tricks I know. Look up user forums on my spare (very spare, and dying) older computer. Try calling my friend Loren, who knows everything about computers and most other things; he does not return my call.

I am up all night obsessing.

Friday: After a long time on hold, I manage to get ahold of telephone service representatives at Lemon Computers, Inc. Not one, but several of them, since the first one sends me to a "specialist" who knows no more than the first rep, and then, finally, to "customer care," a.k.a. "Where we send the irate customers who won't be appeased by us underpaid kids."

The news is not good. I have to send the computer in for repairs, which could take a few weeks, or get to the nearest Lemon store, a half hour away, and me with no car or public transportation option to get there. My data, I'm told, is likely lost. Lemon's warranty does not cover data loss or retrieval, even if the computer's malfunction is caused by a faulty product or the company's negligence. I look into nearby data retrieval companies; if they can even do the job, they will charge me almost as much as the computer itself cost. Most months, I don't earn what a computer costs.

I reach several friends, who commiserate or give redundant advice. One asks if I want to do The Work; sounds great, but my story is, I don't have time, I have more important things on my plate here (and besides, I'm right, damn it).

Friday evening: Loren finally calls back, and says he supposes he could take me to the store in Los Gatos the next day, but suggests we try a few other things first.

I am overwhelmed, and at a loss. I hadn't gotten to figuring out a system for backing up my files, because I was spending most of my computer time trying to coax out or exterminate the software and hardware bugs it shipped with. I don't have my precious manuscripts, my workshop notes, my online address book, or my client data, and I have a full schedule ahead. How will I be present with my work, for my clients?

I go to the movies, see a weepy chick flick, eat pizza (my first meal since lunch the previous day), and try to forget.

Friday late night through Saturday morning: I toss and turn. Finally it comes to me that I could be doing The Work as long as I'm not sleeping or tinkering with my Lemon laptop. Investigating the belief, "I am dependent on my computer," provides me with some enlightenment. I don't take care of my business or myself when I believe this thought. Obviously I can't sleep. I hate the people at Lemon. I hate the very machine I feel dependent on. Without this thought I would not presume disaster; I would do what's in front of me; non-computer tasks. I'd do all the research I've been doing but without all the drama. I turn the thought around. Wow. Truly speaking, I'm not dependent on anything; I'm still breathing. I can reconstruct whatever information I can. Creative oeuvre? I must not need it anymore. If the universe is friendly, what wonderful thing will take its place?

I don't feel better, but I do have some perspective; enough to get a couple of hours of sleep.

Saturday morning: I am, if not joyous, amazingly and entirely surrendered to what is. Que sera sera. I am going to live my life in the meantime. I go to my improv class; it is entirely enjoyable. Loren is there; he comes home with me to examine the "patient." After awhile, I ask if we could please just go to the Lemon store; he hesitantly, but kindly, agrees.

It's a perfect day in the South Bay. There's no traffic on the way to Los Gatos, taking us only 20 minutes. The Lemon store is hopping with young people needing their mp3 players fixed. The technicians can't see me until 3:30. Perfect; obviously it's now lunchtime. I treat Loren to delicious Vietnamese food, we window shop for housewares and clothing in funky-chic boutiques, and I purchase a half pound of some of my favorite childhood treats—mocha coffee beans, red Swedish fish, "likkerish" whips, and Sourpatch fruits—from the penny candy store.

We return to the computer shop. The tech, God bless him, gets me up and running in minutes. I get my data backed up on the spot, and my future backup solutions are mapped out for me. I tell the tech genius about a wireless problem I've been having, unsolved several attempts earlier by the phone "specialists." My Genius diagnoses the problem in a flash, and takes my computer to the back where it will be sent to the "depot" and returned, all fixed and cleaned up, straight to my door in a week's time at most.

Without my computer taking up most of my time, I clean my apartment, swim, use the phone, watch Netflix. The mended laptop arrives in just five days. My business survives, as does my life's work, without my even needing any of it

Is there an example from your life of "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen?" Send me your comments; I'll compile some of your stories for a future post.

P.S. Upon reading this, my friend, Rev. Tami Coyne wrote, only half joking: "Wonderful article. There's something about computer problems that make major existential crises--like the inevitablitity of death--seem irrelevant."


©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Would Einstein Have Dug The Work?

Albert Einstein is said to have told a reporter, "I think the most important question facing humanity is, 'Is the universe a friendly place?' This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves.

"For if we decide that the universe is an unfriendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to achieve safety and power by creating bigger walls to keep out the unfriendliness and bigger weapons to destroy all that which is unfriendly—and I believe that we are getting to a place where technology is powerful enough that we may either completely isolate or destroy ourselves as well in this process.

"If we decide that the universe is neither friendly nor unfriendly and that God is essentially 'playing dice with the universe', then we are simply victims to the random toss of the dice and our lives have no real purpose or meaning.

"But if we decide that the universe is a friendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to create tools and models for understanding that universe. Because power and safety will come through understanding its workings and its motives."

(Sourceless quote from http://www.nlpu.com/Articles/Sept_11.html)

Byron Katie, riffing on the good physicist/philosopher, has lately been asking as part of the "turnaround" portion of The Work, "If the universe is friendly, then why is _______(insert apparently detestable reality-based turnaround here)______ a good thing?" How is it that the very thing we most fear or object to could be for our highest good, best for our loved ones, or serving the planet? It's a marvelous exercise for opening the mind and preparing it to embrace all that is.

I think Einstein himself would have liked The Work, as a "technology" for understanding our universe through understanding ourselves.


©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.