I want to share this good-natured dig at life coaching. It made me laugh with recognition. Although, actually, I think the "drink plenty of liquids" part is pretty good advice!
If you really believe in this kind of thing, you might like to question the thought, "I'm not psyched enough."
Enjoy!
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
Showing posts with label life coach. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life coach. Show all posts
April 9, 2008
December 20, 2007
From the "Wish I'd Written That" Archive: How to Drive Yourself Crazy
Anyone know the author of this?
Anyone know why we don't all live the opposite of this, all the time? :)
How to Drive Yourself Crazy
These thoughts provide an entertaining twist on the stress management and positive thinking literature encountered so often these days. Looking at suggestions from an opposite angle often gives them new meaning!
* Save your major worries until mid-night, then start in with some heavy thinking. Suggested topics include old age; losing your job; the mistake you made at work last week that they haven't discovered yet; and that serious wart you've had for five years. You can work up to a good panic by 1:00 a.m.
* Keep an inventory of your faults. Ignore all your strengths; focus only on your bad points. Try to select friends who will remind you of them. If you don't have such friends, you probably have some relatives who can point out your weaknesses.
* Set unreasonable goals. No matter how much money you're earning, remember that there are always others doing better. Try to name three of them, preferably younger (and better looking) than you are. Think how others could do a better job than you.
* When your kids screw up, don't accept it as normal. Regard it as the first sign of impending moral decay, delinquency and a wasted life. Imagine them as shiftless bums at age 30, scrounging off of you.
* Put off everything until the last minute. In this way you can create a sense of frenzy and chronic stress, no matter how much time you had in the first place.
* To create enhanced stress, try to sleep as little as possible. Eat junk food, drink a lot of coffee and never, ever exercise.
* Don't let others know how you feel or what you want. You shouldn't have to tell them. They should be able to read your mind. If you can do this, you stand a good chance of feeling really deprived.
* Don't trust anyone. Struggle with problems. If you feel the urge to confide in someone who seems to care, remind yourself that people are basically no good and looking out only for themselves.
* Never take a vacation or rest. It's a luxury you can't afford, especially if you are working up to a fine state of exhaustion.
* Above all, never seek help. No matter how serious the problem, convince yourself that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that you can always tough it out alone.
* If you follow this program, you have a good chance of feeling really rotten in no time at all. Good luck!
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Anyone know why we don't all live the opposite of this, all the time? :)
How to Drive Yourself Crazy
These thoughts provide an entertaining twist on the stress management and positive thinking literature encountered so often these days. Looking at suggestions from an opposite angle often gives them new meaning!
* Save your major worries until mid-night, then start in with some heavy thinking. Suggested topics include old age; losing your job; the mistake you made at work last week that they haven't discovered yet; and that serious wart you've had for five years. You can work up to a good panic by 1:00 a.m.
* Keep an inventory of your faults. Ignore all your strengths; focus only on your bad points. Try to select friends who will remind you of them. If you don't have such friends, you probably have some relatives who can point out your weaknesses.
* Set unreasonable goals. No matter how much money you're earning, remember that there are always others doing better. Try to name three of them, preferably younger (and better looking) than you are. Think how others could do a better job than you.
* When your kids screw up, don't accept it as normal. Regard it as the first sign of impending moral decay, delinquency and a wasted life. Imagine them as shiftless bums at age 30, scrounging off of you.
* Put off everything until the last minute. In this way you can create a sense of frenzy and chronic stress, no matter how much time you had in the first place.
* To create enhanced stress, try to sleep as little as possible. Eat junk food, drink a lot of coffee and never, ever exercise.
* Don't let others know how you feel or what you want. You shouldn't have to tell them. They should be able to read your mind. If you can do this, you stand a good chance of feeling really deprived.
* Don't trust anyone. Struggle with problems. If you feel the urge to confide in someone who seems to care, remind yourself that people are basically no good and looking out only for themselves.
* Never take a vacation or rest. It's a luxury you can't afford, especially if you are working up to a fine state of exhaustion.
* Above all, never seek help. No matter how serious the problem, convince yourself that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that you can always tough it out alone.
* If you follow this program, you have a good chance of feeling really rotten in no time at all. Good luck!
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
November 1, 2007
Focus on Facilitation: Being Deleted
What my clients bring to sessions of The Work of Byron Katie is as much for me as it is for them, if not more so. If I experience clients or their issues as challenging in any way, I can get very confused and tired if I'm not actively working on my thoughts about them...or if I'm not tuning into where their work is my work.
As a facilitator, it is not my job to impose my beliefs and values onto my clients; I'm here to ask questions, and hold the space for them to find their own answers. It is also my job to take my thoughts about the client to inquiry after our session. For example, if I think my client is a liar, how do I treat him, and where do I lie (in my life, or to him)? If I believe he is a womanizer, how am I a "manizer?" If the client is a "tough case," am I being a tough case with her? Where am I not seeing that I am just like the one in front of me? Where do I not want to let her be as she is?
Years ago at an event with Byron Katie, a wonderful couple who were new to The Work and reluctant to air their laundry in public asked Katie to hook them up with a facilitator who would work with them privately, out of the main hall. For reasons I couldn't fathom at the time, and which I now see as perfect, Katie directed them to little ol' me.
This was my first time working with a couple. Their story was...well, for the sake of total confidentiality, let's say they were living in a way that was counter to my sense, at the time, of "normal."
The session was intense. I found myself inwardly siding with one of the spouses, especially since the other one did not seem terribly interested in inquiry; s/he was there for the sake of the other partner, s/he said. It wasn't easy for me to muzzle myself, or to stick to the questions...but I did.
We proceeded in the classic way of mediation or partner work: each client writes and then reads their Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet to the other. The one being read to takes in what the partner is saying, and whether or not they agree with what they're hearing, they respond with "thank you." The facilitator then takes each client through their worksheet in turn, while the other listens.
We were together for at least two hours, and for most of that time, there was a lot of strong emotion in the room. Admittedly, my attention was more on my judgments about the couple than it was on the process, and I worked hard to quell my urges to lead them, agree, or disagree.
They didn't seem to notice, thank goodness; no thanks to me, The Work worked! The more recalcitrant partner really got into the process after all. Each spouse had wonderful realizations. As a couple, they were hearing and communicating with each other about their issues in ways they had been unable to before, when each believed s/he was right. Both were grateful to tap back into their love for each other, and they were very enthusiastic about continuing with The Work when they got home.
As for me, I was exhausted.
The next day, Katie, with what I projected to be a knowing twinkle in her eye, asked me, "How did it go with that amazing couple?"
"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. "How do you do this day in and day out, and not get depleted?"
"I don't get depleted," Katie answered, "because I'm deleted."
Sometimes as facilitators, we may experience clients who live or think in ways that are diametrically opposed to our own ways. They may not share our values (she doesn't believe in toilet training or weaning her children before the age of five; he works for Internal Revenue, the CIA, Amway; they practice polyamory, or celibacy, or they believe in marriage, or they don't believe in marriage; he belongs to a sect you don't like or understand, or the same church as your parents, or no church at all), or they do or have done something that goes against our personal integrity (for example, a woman with three lovers, none of whom know about the others; a man who, at age 40, doesn't work and lives off his parents; someone who feels she is underpaid and therefore justified in stealing supplies from the office or sneaking out of work early). If you work in prisons or treatment centers, you will certainly encounter differences (and similarities) with those who have broken the laws of the land; and if you don't work with these populations, you will certainly encounter differences and similiarities with people who do not live according to your personal laws of "people should..."
Our clients are here before us for our sake, for our freedom, and so that we can become better facilitators. Any judgment we hold about them—any separation we experience between them and us—is going to be uncomfortable, and the discomfort means there's attachment to an uninvestigated story. This is wonderful to notice, and a great opportunity to cleanly and clearly delete any "I" thoughts that are not true...stressful thoughts that, when we are in session, get in the way of our ability to be be present, open, available, in service, and always a student in the presence of the master.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
September 24, 2007
Why The Work Isn't Coaching (Yet, Coaches Love The Work
Every now and again I buy the story that my former creative marketing consultant self—who still lives in my head—likes to tell, and I start wondering if I could reach more people more effectively if I were a business or life coach.
However, every time I check out these options, I change my mind quickly. For my comfort level, there is too much emphasis in coach training programs on "effecting change," which is something I'm not interested in. Not that change isn't good; I just don't see myself as wanting or needing that for my clients, since I've largely stopped desiring change (even while I certainly welcome change) for myself. The Work has this way of making one realize that nothing ever has to change, no one ever has to change, I don't even have to change in order to be perfectly okay...although change for the good may indeed occur in an atmosphere of clarity.
This shift in consciousness doesn't allow me to write the kind of promotional copy that typically attracts business clients, so hoards of corporations aren't approaching me (yet). However, I can't think of a better skill to have in business than self-inquiry. (See my eBook, Transformational Inquiry, Working on Your Work, on this page.) Communication, mediation, stress reduction, Emotional Intelligence, crisis management...the applications of The Work to the world of work are numerous, and the modality is a natural for the executive coach with visionary clients.
Today I was looking at a website that shall remain nameless, a coaching institute in Southern California that I'd heard good things about. Their site is filled with terminology like "developing long term change strategies," "measuring coaching effectiveness," "assessment," "vision," and "executing and sustaining change." I lost interest in this school very quickly.
How is the effectiveness of coaching measured? I think it translates to this: you want something, I coach you, and if you get it, then my coaching was effective.
I try hard not to make promises about The Work based on what I think people want to hear. That's not the modus operandi of some practitioners, who promise the moon, with bonus stars and planets included if you act now. It always gives me pause to see this, because it's just too tempting for people to do The Work with the motive of "getting the goods." This, to me, misses the point of inquiry entirely.
Some business and life coaches latch onto The Work in this way: "Let's do The Work on the beliefs that are holding you back so that you can find direction, fulfill your vision, get what you want."
That's one way to use The Work, and here's what happens: if we don't appear to be getting what we think we want, we say, "The Work doesn't work." That's based on a belief: "It's working if I get what I want." We've been conditioned to live lives of wish-fulfillment, so no wonder the corporate structure is built on this. Try selling a business on the idea that "everything is unfolding as it should." It takes an enlightened captain of industry to recognize that sometimes, if we don't get what we think we want, we are spared...or that there are no mistakes...even while the success stories of Post-It notes (3M was looking to create a super-glue) and Ivory soap (it wasn't supposed to float), both product "failures," are legendary.
Say I am using The Work as a way of addressing body issues: I want to lose weight, or get buff. I work on my stressful beliefs about dieting or exercise, and I notice I'm going to the gym and eating better. Great; how long is this going to last if I have not touched upon underlying beliefs about the body and health? What happens if I don't get to the gym one week, should I do a worksheet and force myself? If I gain back a pound, does it mean I didn't do my work, or that The Work doesn't work? It feels almost violent to use The Work this way.
The Work ceases to work when we do it with a motive (other than out of the love of truth), because motivation is a stressor, loaded with shoulds, wants, and needs—the stuff of uncomfortable beliefs. It ceases to work when we don't answer the questions, because we're so attached to outcome. It doesn't work when we use the turnarounds as affirmations. ("I can't be a billionaire." "I can be a billionaire! Woohoo, I'm a money magnet!")
We may want to have a spouse, a slender body, or a fat bank account. We may want to bring our company to the next level. There is nothing wrong with these things; they are wonderful. How are we doing in the meantime? If I love what I am, what I have, what is, I am so much more available to my coach's coaching than when I am coming from a place of criticism, frustration, dissatisfaction, or greed.
So I love that coaches add The Work to their toolkits for clients to know themselves better. (That's what my coach does.) And in the world of work, it could be that we can be more present and efficient, more approachable as supervisors, more creative as leaders, when we come from a place of clarity rather than a stressful place of the desire to effect change.
To learn more about The Work at Work, join my mailing list at ClearLifeSolutions.com. With your complimentary subscription to the Transformational Inquiry ezine, you'll receive The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work as my gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
However, every time I check out these options, I change my mind quickly. For my comfort level, there is too much emphasis in coach training programs on "effecting change," which is something I'm not interested in. Not that change isn't good; I just don't see myself as wanting or needing that for my clients, since I've largely stopped desiring change (even while I certainly welcome change) for myself. The Work has this way of making one realize that nothing ever has to change, no one ever has to change, I don't even have to change in order to be perfectly okay...although change for the good may indeed occur in an atmosphere of clarity.
This shift in consciousness doesn't allow me to write the kind of promotional copy that typically attracts business clients, so hoards of corporations aren't approaching me (yet). However, I can't think of a better skill to have in business than self-inquiry. (See my eBook, Transformational Inquiry, Working on Your Work, on this page.) Communication, mediation, stress reduction, Emotional Intelligence, crisis management...the applications of The Work to the world of work are numerous, and the modality is a natural for the executive coach with visionary clients.
Today I was looking at a website that shall remain nameless, a coaching institute in Southern California that I'd heard good things about. Their site is filled with terminology like "developing long term change strategies," "measuring coaching effectiveness," "assessment," "vision," and "executing and sustaining change." I lost interest in this school very quickly.
How is the effectiveness of coaching measured? I think it translates to this: you want something, I coach you, and if you get it, then my coaching was effective.
I try hard not to make promises about The Work based on what I think people want to hear. That's not the modus operandi of some practitioners, who promise the moon, with bonus stars and planets included if you act now. It always gives me pause to see this, because it's just too tempting for people to do The Work with the motive of "getting the goods." This, to me, misses the point of inquiry entirely.
Some business and life coaches latch onto The Work in this way: "Let's do The Work on the beliefs that are holding you back so that you can find direction, fulfill your vision, get what you want."
That's one way to use The Work, and here's what happens: if we don't appear to be getting what we think we want, we say, "The Work doesn't work." That's based on a belief: "It's working if I get what I want." We've been conditioned to live lives of wish-fulfillment, so no wonder the corporate structure is built on this. Try selling a business on the idea that "everything is unfolding as it should." It takes an enlightened captain of industry to recognize that sometimes, if we don't get what we think we want, we are spared...or that there are no mistakes...even while the success stories of Post-It notes (3M was looking to create a super-glue) and Ivory soap (it wasn't supposed to float), both product "failures," are legendary.
Say I am using The Work as a way of addressing body issues: I want to lose weight, or get buff. I work on my stressful beliefs about dieting or exercise, and I notice I'm going to the gym and eating better. Great; how long is this going to last if I have not touched upon underlying beliefs about the body and health? What happens if I don't get to the gym one week, should I do a worksheet and force myself? If I gain back a pound, does it mean I didn't do my work, or that The Work doesn't work? It feels almost violent to use The Work this way.
The Work ceases to work when we do it with a motive (other than out of the love of truth), because motivation is a stressor, loaded with shoulds, wants, and needs—the stuff of uncomfortable beliefs. It ceases to work when we don't answer the questions, because we're so attached to outcome. It doesn't work when we use the turnarounds as affirmations. ("I can't be a billionaire." "I can be a billionaire! Woohoo, I'm a money magnet!")
We may want to have a spouse, a slender body, or a fat bank account. We may want to bring our company to the next level. There is nothing wrong with these things; they are wonderful. How are we doing in the meantime? If I love what I am, what I have, what is, I am so much more available to my coach's coaching than when I am coming from a place of criticism, frustration, dissatisfaction, or greed.
So I love that coaches add The Work to their toolkits for clients to know themselves better. (That's what my coach does.) And in the world of work, it could be that we can be more present and efficient, more approachable as supervisors, more creative as leaders, when we come from a place of clarity rather than a stressful place of the desire to effect change.
To learn more about The Work at Work, join my mailing list at ClearLifeSolutions.com. With your complimentary subscription to the Transformational Inquiry ezine, you'll receive The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work as my gift.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
March 27, 2006
What We Really Want from Coaching
If you have been in business for some time, chances are good that you have worked with a business or personal coach or know someone who has. Many people hire a coach to help them get what they want: More money. More work-life balance. The competitive edge. The job of their dreams. A healthier body.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
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