Q: I just had a massage client stiff me; after the massage, he said he had to go get his wallet from his car down the road, then he just took off. Can I absolutely know he "should" have paid me? Obviously, yes! How can I do The Work on this situation?
A: It's true that he stiffed you. Can you absolutely know that he should have paid you, when in fact he didn't? Yes or no are acceptable answers.
If you say "yes," you would still answer question 3, "How do you react when you believe this thought?" and continue with the inquiry. This isn't about changing reality, but about meeting it with understanding... self-understanding. How do you treat yourself when you believe this thought? Are you beating yourself for not getting his contact information before working on him, or for not asking for payment upfront? Does the self-beating lead to any self-destructive habits, like overeating, or over-spending? How do you treat other clients when you think that he should have paid you, and he didn't? Are you mistrustful of them? And how do you treat the client who stiffed you in your mind? Are the thoughts violent? Do you want revenge?
Just notice how believing the thought "he should have paid me" disturbs your peace. That's because it completely opposes the truth.
Who would you be without this thought? How would you run your business from this moment forward? How would you treat yourself differently if you didn't hold this belief?
Turn the thought around: "He shouldn't have paid me." He shouldn't have because that's the reality of it. How might this incident actually be for your highest good?
You might find that you actually answer "no" to question 2, "Can you absolutely know it's true he should have paid you?" Here's why: "He didn't pay me" is what's true, it's what is. That doesn't mean you will be a doormat, but it could mean that you are saner, less reactive, about what happened, and this might be helpful when it comes to dealing with clients in the future.
A story: years ago when I was a copywriter, I did a direct marketing mailing for a company that neglected to pay me for my work. I was new to freelancing, I didn't have The Work then, and this situation just about tore me apart. My fee, which I had already discounted a lot, was $700 for the project. After a lot of phone calls and letters, the company paid me less than half of that amount. Soon afterwards, they shut down their office and left no forwarding address or phone. The amount they owed me was too small to make it worthwhile to hire an attorney, of course; so I had no choice but to cut my losses and move on.
I'd spent months trying to get that money, and I was furious! My anger, worry, and the injustice of it all consumed most of my waking moments, as I recall. This made it really hard to be present for finding new business!
With inquiry, in the same situation, I might have chalked this up to a learning experience. Without clinging to the belief that the client should pay when clearly they weren't going to, perhaps I would have changed my policies and decided to ask new clients to pay in full, upfront, for jobs billing over a certain amount. At the time, this never occurred to me; I was too busy being right...and a victim. Guess what? I got stiffed again by an art director who subcontracted a job to me during my last year in business, also at an amount that was well below my traditional fees. In the end, she claimed she didn't get her full fee from her client, so she couldn't pay me. I fumed about that one for quite awhile too.
The belief statement, "He should have paid me" turned around to "I" becomes "I should have paid myself." This is also a story of the past, since I didn't—but I can do so from this moment forward...by having payment policies that work for me, by not getting derailed when a business agreement falls apart, and by charging rates that are more comfortable for me to begin with.
Solutions arise out of a clear mind; a confused mind spends a lot of time and energy resenting what was, rather than living in and loving what is. Clients should pay what they owe me? Sure, in a world where everything is fair and everyone obeys the rules. Sometimes we don't live in that world. If that hurts, and it serves you to do so, I invite you to do inquire into this believe. In doing so, you are not letting the client off the hook for that money; he's not hooked at all. Rather, do it so that you can let yourself off the hook. Remaining hooked to "he should" is hopeless; it won't change things, and it's not serving you unless your main interest is in being right.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
Showing posts with label business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business. Show all posts
April 27, 2008
New Career Means New LIfe? Argh!
Today I came upon the marketing website of a Facebook friend. His copy begins with, “There must be more to life than this!” Indeed there is; so that's a good come-on. This former direct response copywriter likes it!
I read further: there is a compelling list of common work and career-related complaints, including fear of career change, office politics, bureaucratic red tape, feeling trapped and suffocated, fatigue and depression, lack of motivation, feeling devalued and out of control, stuck in a rut, no growth prospects, lack of interest in the work itself.
So far, so good.
Then comes this invitation:
"Create the life you really want!" "Envision what it would be like!" "Live out your dreams!" "Take control of your life and increase your happiness!"
How do you do this?
1. Change your dead-end career that is the source of your unhappiness!
2. Take every course and read every book about how life can be better!
3. Do everything this guy tells you to do in his eCourse, filled with "amazing, secret, life-changing strategies and techniques" for the low, low price of...not the $397 it's purportedly worth...not the $297 that ought to be the rock-bottom price for this holy grail...but a mere $197 with a full money-back guarantee!
But for you, if you're among the first 100 customers, his course costs just $97. Plus five "bonuses worth up to $777."
Sounds great, right?
My response: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
Marketing hype notwithstanding (and, trust me, it gets even worse), I'm not saying his product isn't wonderful; I haven't seen it. It could be just terrific, and worth every penny of that 97 bucks, even and especially without those bonuses (at least one of which is in the public domain anyway).
However, my first indication that something is amiss here lies in the promise that the job itself is your problem, and if you change your career, you will change your life. It might be true that if I switch my career from, say, middle manager to fire-fighter (or to a self-published author of success-oriented eCourses), my life will be different. Will it be happier? That depends on a lot more than a physical career change. (If you have any interest in and experience with inquiry at all, you already know this.)
The second indication that this offer may not be kosher is the 2006 copyright on the web page. So, two years later, he hasn't yet sold his first 100 copies of this groundbreaking eCourse, plus bonuses, for the low, low price of $97? Hmm. Either he's a very poor marketer, or he's a liar.
Or, perhaps he meant this price was good for the first 100 customers on this particular day, though his copy doesn't say that.
Third red flag: although this man says he discovered that one must be devoted to lifelong learning—take every course, read every book—he later says this eCourse is the ticket to Nirvana. So now I"m confused.
Fourth red flag: valuable "bonuses" which are yours to keep, even if you think the course is a crock and you want your money back. (Note that these bonuses are not "worth" $777, just worth up to that amount, by someone's calculations who would, perhaps, not be you or me.)
Okay, I didn't mean this to be a mini-course in how to detect a skeevy marketing ploy. (If it were, there's a lot more I could say about his sales pitch.)
My intention is this:
If you think that your outer circumstances create your happiness, you're going to be disappointed every time. Yes, they can contribute to happiness, of course. We all have basic needs, and if those are unmet, it's darn hard to be happy. If you're an unhappy middle manager, and your unhappiness stems from thoughts like, "There's no room for advancement," or "I need my colleagues to respect me," as much as you love hosing down infernos, you could be miserable as a fire-fighter too.
Everyone already knows (though, in desperate times, we tend to forget) that no book, eCourse, bonus, "secret," practice, relationship, or technique will give you ultimate control over anything, will make you a "winner" every time or will permanently change your life to allow you to "live out your dream." I promise you, it's an inside job. People are going to do what they do, jobs are what they are, and we human beings have mood swings when we believe what we think.
By all means, change your job if that's what you know to do. I did; or rather, my job was changed for me, more than once. Am I happier? In some ways, yes, and I am not immune to many of the thoughts listed at the beginning of the Facebook friend's web page.
Actually, when I read the list, I became excited. I love to question these kinds of thoughts. The insights I glean, the creativity and impetus to move towards peace in my life and work—whether I stay in my career or leave it—are bonuses to which I can't attach any monetary value.
And now for the sales pitch: Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work. No bonuses, no discounts, no promises; just some good stuff that has helped me, and that it delights me to pass along to you. Caveat emptor: if you purchase it, it will help me to pay the bills, which, since this helps me to meet some basic needs, does seem to contribute to my happiness.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
I read further: there is a compelling list of common work and career-related complaints, including fear of career change, office politics, bureaucratic red tape, feeling trapped and suffocated, fatigue and depression, lack of motivation, feeling devalued and out of control, stuck in a rut, no growth prospects, lack of interest in the work itself.
So far, so good.
Then comes this invitation:
"Create the life you really want!" "Envision what it would be like!" "Live out your dreams!" "Take control of your life and increase your happiness!"
How do you do this?
1. Change your dead-end career that is the source of your unhappiness!
2. Take every course and read every book about how life can be better!
3. Do everything this guy tells you to do in his eCourse, filled with "amazing, secret, life-changing strategies and techniques" for the low, low price of...not the $397 it's purportedly worth...not the $297 that ought to be the rock-bottom price for this holy grail...but a mere $197 with a full money-back guarantee!
But for you, if you're among the first 100 customers, his course costs just $97. Plus five "bonuses worth up to $777."
Sounds great, right?
My response: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
Marketing hype notwithstanding (and, trust me, it gets even worse), I'm not saying his product isn't wonderful; I haven't seen it. It could be just terrific, and worth every penny of that 97 bucks, even and especially without those bonuses (at least one of which is in the public domain anyway).
However, my first indication that something is amiss here lies in the promise that the job itself is your problem, and if you change your career, you will change your life. It might be true that if I switch my career from, say, middle manager to fire-fighter (or to a self-published author of success-oriented eCourses), my life will be different. Will it be happier? That depends on a lot more than a physical career change. (If you have any interest in and experience with inquiry at all, you already know this.)
The second indication that this offer may not be kosher is the 2006 copyright on the web page. So, two years later, he hasn't yet sold his first 100 copies of this groundbreaking eCourse, plus bonuses, for the low, low price of $97? Hmm. Either he's a very poor marketer, or he's a liar.
Or, perhaps he meant this price was good for the first 100 customers on this particular day, though his copy doesn't say that.
Third red flag: although this man says he discovered that one must be devoted to lifelong learning—take every course, read every book—he later says this eCourse is the ticket to Nirvana. So now I"m confused.
Fourth red flag: valuable "bonuses" which are yours to keep, even if you think the course is a crock and you want your money back. (Note that these bonuses are not "worth" $777, just worth up to that amount, by someone's calculations who would, perhaps, not be you or me.)
Okay, I didn't mean this to be a mini-course in how to detect a skeevy marketing ploy. (If it were, there's a lot more I could say about his sales pitch.)
My intention is this:
If you think that your outer circumstances create your happiness, you're going to be disappointed every time. Yes, they can contribute to happiness, of course. We all have basic needs, and if those are unmet, it's darn hard to be happy. If you're an unhappy middle manager, and your unhappiness stems from thoughts like, "There's no room for advancement," or "I need my colleagues to respect me," as much as you love hosing down infernos, you could be miserable as a fire-fighter too.
Everyone already knows (though, in desperate times, we tend to forget) that no book, eCourse, bonus, "secret," practice, relationship, or technique will give you ultimate control over anything, will make you a "winner" every time or will permanently change your life to allow you to "live out your dream." I promise you, it's an inside job. People are going to do what they do, jobs are what they are, and we human beings have mood swings when we believe what we think.
By all means, change your job if that's what you know to do. I did; or rather, my job was changed for me, more than once. Am I happier? In some ways, yes, and I am not immune to many of the thoughts listed at the beginning of the Facebook friend's web page.
Actually, when I read the list, I became excited. I love to question these kinds of thoughts. The insights I glean, the creativity and impetus to move towards peace in my life and work—whether I stay in my career or leave it—are bonuses to which I can't attach any monetary value.
And now for the sales pitch: Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work. No bonuses, no discounts, no promises; just some good stuff that has helped me, and that it delights me to pass along to you. Caveat emptor: if you purchase it, it will help me to pay the bills, which, since this helps me to meet some basic needs, does seem to contribute to my happiness.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
October 30, 2007
Love Your Work, Today...Cheap!
NOTE: OFFER HAS EXPIRED! but at $19.95, I'm told this eBook is still more than worth the price of admission. Thanks to all you early birds who ordered before Nov. 1. —CLS
Just a quick reminder (because I nearly forgot myself!) that there's just one more day left to receive my best-selling eBook (meaning it sells the best, out of the three I have available now :-) ) for the original "seriously under-priced" price of $14.95.*
Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is transforming my friends' experiences of work and career from the East Bay to Estonia.
"My boss should..." "My clients don't..." "I have no skills." "I should be doing something else." What keeps you from "Loving What's Biz?" With The Work, you can create lasting and radical change in the workplace by addressing the beliefs underlying the way you relate to your colleagues, your supervisors, your clients, your direct reports, and to yourself. 95 pages.
"Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work went beyond my expectations and thoroughly covered the topic with amazing clarity and insight. I found all the help I needed there. Your material is a great addition to Byron Katie's."
—Sandra Khoury, Certified Substance Abuse/Co-occurring
Disorders Counselor
Middlefield, CT
*"My only complaint about Transformational Inquiry: Working on Your Work is that it is seriously under-priced. This little gem is a delight to read as well as a practical guide to healing your heart and regaining sanity at work. It is rare for an eBook to be as lucid, complete, and practical as this one. It will repay your thoughtful, open-hearted attention a thousand fold."
—Molly Gordon, Shaboom Inc.
The price of Working on Your Work increases to $19.95 on November 1, so don't wait to let this practical PDF guide enhance your experience of The Work as it applies to your professional life. Order before Nov. 1 and receive the as-yet unpublished report, "The Top 10 Erroneous Business Beliefs" as my early holiday gift to you.
To get your copy, click here:
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/clearlifestore.htm
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
March 31, 2006
Authenticity Is the Killer App
As a hands-on type rather than a theorist, I don't study many books by business gurus. There is, however, one title on my business bookshelf that deeply speaks to me. It's called LOVE IS THE KILLER APP: How to Win Business and Influence Friends (Crown Business, 2002). The author, Tim Sanders, defines "biz love" as the sharing of your knowledge, your networks and -- this is not a typo -- your compassion, in order to promote growth in others.
How is love good for business? In his book, Sanders talks about the importance of social contracts in a business setting (we none of us work in a vacuum, after all) and how these contracts -- empathetic relationships -- create value. When you create this value, you become one of those people (Sanders calls them "lovecats") to whom others turn as someone with great insights, generosity and as a source of good information.
Sanders says that we have a choice; to see others in terms of fear-based boundaries, or as partners. And for this partnership to flourish, personal authenticity is essential.
We have seen in recent years how the barracuda mentality has been the downfall of many a business. Greed, pyramid schemes, arrogant disregard for the law: clearly the old eat-or-be-eaten business paradigms are no longer working...especially since, in our information age, you can't hide the truth for long.
However, most of us are experts at hiding our own truth from ourselves, because we haven't known how not to. We experience stressful relationships with clients, coworkers, authority figures, subordinates, the competition and most especially our own fearful thoughts about work because we have not questioned the contents of our minds. We believe what we think.
What is at the core of your business's operational decisions? "Making money" would be the answer for most of us. That's the easy answer. What's behind that? "Must beat the competition." "Profits over people." "If we don't ________, we won't survive."
How does this translate to social contracts? "He'll get business we should have gotten." "She's not pulling her weight." "He doesn't know how to set priorities." "They're taking advantage of me." No love here; lots of stress though. And there's stress because these are stories: horror stories. Stories with no proof. Stories about a nonexistent future based on theories about "proof" from the past.
What's the "I" thought under these business decisions? "I need more money." "I need this job." "If this doesn't work out, I won't have _____, I'll lose ______, I'll have to _______." Can you really know that these thoughts are true? How do you live your life -- and run your business -- when you act our of fear rather than out of love?
Sanders does not address self-love in his book, and that's something a lot of us don't address. We innocently act out of the need for self-preservation, and this precludes the authenticity necessary for those good social contracts at work to flourish. For me, the most loving act I can do is to question my stressful thoughts, in life and in work. I notice I'm more "there" for people -- and saner about my business -- when I do. Authenticity begins at home. So does love. And then that love is free to express itself everywhere.
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
*******************
Authenticity and "Biz Love"
Here are some common fears about being authentic in business...about being open, empathetic, boundariless...about embracing "biz love" in the workplace:
We'll be ridiculed.
We'll be taken advantage of.
We won't be respected.
We won't be "winners."
We'll "give away the store."
You can't run a business on trust.
Our kindness won't be reciprocated and that means...
What are your beliefs about "biz love?" What is the worst that could happen if you shared what you know...if you shared your contacts...if you allowed yourself to love your competitors? (Jealousy, it is said, is the conjoined twin of love.)
"There is war in the business world." Turned around: "There is war in my world." Where are you a barracuda in business? How has it served? What do you have now that you believe you would not have if you became a "lovecat?"
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
For more about Carol and working with the process of The Work of Byron Katie, visit Clear Life Solutions.
How is love good for business? In his book, Sanders talks about the importance of social contracts in a business setting (we none of us work in a vacuum, after all) and how these contracts -- empathetic relationships -- create value. When you create this value, you become one of those people (Sanders calls them "lovecats") to whom others turn as someone with great insights, generosity and as a source of good information.
Sanders says that we have a choice; to see others in terms of fear-based boundaries, or as partners. And for this partnership to flourish, personal authenticity is essential.
We have seen in recent years how the barracuda mentality has been the downfall of many a business. Greed, pyramid schemes, arrogant disregard for the law: clearly the old eat-or-be-eaten business paradigms are no longer working...especially since, in our information age, you can't hide the truth for long.
However, most of us are experts at hiding our own truth from ourselves, because we haven't known how not to. We experience stressful relationships with clients, coworkers, authority figures, subordinates, the competition and most especially our own fearful thoughts about work because we have not questioned the contents of our minds. We believe what we think.
What is at the core of your business's operational decisions? "Making money" would be the answer for most of us. That's the easy answer. What's behind that? "Must beat the competition." "Profits over people." "If we don't ________, we won't survive."
How does this translate to social contracts? "He'll get business we should have gotten." "She's not pulling her weight." "He doesn't know how to set priorities." "They're taking advantage of me." No love here; lots of stress though. And there's stress because these are stories: horror stories. Stories with no proof. Stories about a nonexistent future based on theories about "proof" from the past.
What's the "I" thought under these business decisions? "I need more money." "I need this job." "If this doesn't work out, I won't have _____, I'll lose ______, I'll have to _______." Can you really know that these thoughts are true? How do you live your life -- and run your business -- when you act our of fear rather than out of love?
Sanders does not address self-love in his book, and that's something a lot of us don't address. We innocently act out of the need for self-preservation, and this precludes the authenticity necessary for those good social contracts at work to flourish. For me, the most loving act I can do is to question my stressful thoughts, in life and in work. I notice I'm more "there" for people -- and saner about my business -- when I do. Authenticity begins at home. So does love. And then that love is free to express itself everywhere.
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
*******************
Authenticity and "Biz Love"
Here are some common fears about being authentic in business...about being open, empathetic, boundariless...about embracing "biz love" in the workplace:
We'll be ridiculed.
We'll be taken advantage of.
We won't be respected.
We won't be "winners."
We'll "give away the store."
You can't run a business on trust.
Our kindness won't be reciprocated and that means...
What are your beliefs about "biz love?" What is the worst that could happen if you shared what you know...if you shared your contacts...if you allowed yourself to love your competitors? (Jealousy, it is said, is the conjoined twin of love.)
"There is war in the business world." Turned around: "There is war in my world." Where are you a barracuda in business? How has it served? What do you have now that you believe you would not have if you became a "lovecat?"
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
For more about Carol and working with the process of The Work of Byron Katie, visit Clear Life Solutions.
March 27, 2006
What We Really Want from Coaching
If you have been in business for some time, chances are good that you have worked with a business or personal coach or know someone who has. Many people hire a coach to help them get what they want: More money. More work-life balance. The competitive edge. The job of their dreams. A healthier body.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
November 5, 2005
How to Inquire Yourself into...Success?
A few years ago, I was talking about my business with my friend and mentor, "Infoguru Marketing" creator Robert Middleton, who works with independent professionals (check out his generous, and complimentary, informational offerings at actionplan.com). Robert suggested that I start packaging my services to offer more value to my clients as well as to earn more money. "What if your absolute minimum price to any client were $500?" he asked...at which point I literally fell off my chair.
At the time I only offered group workshops and individual sessions of The Work of Byron Katie, the self-inquiry process I facilitate. The workshops are attractively priced in order to allow many people to attend and get a taste of what I offer. A number of attendees go on to hire me privately after experiencing group facilitation with me. However, I had come to the (insane) conclusion that no one should work with me for more than three sessions, since the work I was doing was designed to foster skills that clients would ultimately use on their own.
$500 is not a huge amount of money; many life and business coaches get that much per month from each client they work with, often for years. "But I'm not a coach, or a therapist," I reasoned, "I am an educator. And as such, I am not doing my job if someone still needs me after three sessions."
Translation: "I'm not worthy."
Over the past couple of years I've worked with clients who are dissatisfied with their careers. They aren't making the amount of money they'd like to, they aren't attracting the kinds of clients they'd like to work with, they don't feel fulfilled. What is stopping them? They provide excuses, as I did. Nine times out of ten, when we scratch an excuse (I call excuses "yeahbuts" and "whatifs"), we uncover an underlying belief about unworthiness.
Feelings of unworthiness affect our emotional well-being as well as our business, even for those of us who are incredibly successful. I remember watching a Barbara Walters interview with Barbra Streisand years ago, when Streisand was about to embark on a concert tour where tickets cost upwards of $1000. On a TV show broadcast to millions of people all over the world, Streisand admitted to feeling devastated by her mother's cutting question: "Who would spend $1000 to see you?"
Hundreds of Barbra's fans would, and did, pay that much, and gladly; clearly she's worthy. Why, then, would this question throw a wealthy megastar into publicly confessed self-doubt? Because if they say it, and it hurts, they're right -- but only according to us. "No one can hurt me," Byron Katie says. "That's my job. I do that."
Because I believed I wasn't worthy, my business had to follow the dictates of my mind. I couldn't see clients beyond three sessions because that would have meant, in my convoluted thinking, that I had failed them. What if a client wanted and needed six sessions, or 12, or twice a week for three years? Obviously, they would have had to take their business elsewhere. So, subconsciously, I was banishing my clients and giving my business away to people who had no such self-limiting beliefs.
When I examined my beliefs about my business, I discovered that in attaching to my feelings of unworthiness, I was entirely in my clients' business, deciding for them what they needed and predetermining how much they thought my services were worth. I could never really empower them because I wasn't considering their individual needs. At the same time, I was ignoring my own need to earn a decent living in the name of "shouldn'ts" and "shoulds," "yeahbuts" and "whatifs."
Unquestioned, feelings of unworthiness can run our careers and our lives. Met with understanding through self-inquiry, our fears, doubts and resistances reveal wonderful information about the real world, and its real possibilities for us and our work.
How do you limit yourself with beliefs about your worthiness? Here is an example of self-inquiry on one such belief.
Belief: No one will pay me a minimum of $500.
Is that true? Honestly, I don't know; I haven't tried it in this business yet!
Can you know your clients would be better off if they paid you less? No.
Can you know they'd be better off if they had fewer sessions with you? No. Some people need years of therapy to deal with their issues, for example...and some need just a few visits. Some people take three weeks to heal from surgery, some take three months. One person can learn how to fix a car over a weekend, another requires a six-month course in auto mechanics.
Can you absolutely know that it's true that no one will pay you a minimum of $500? No. As a freelance copywriter I never touched a job for less than $500, no matter how small the assignment, and most of my assignments were in the four figure range. People will pay me handsomely for that, why not for this?
How do you treat your clients when you believe they won't pay you a minimum of $500? I want to impress them with how quick and efficient my services are, how immediately life-changing. I don't gauge their needs and concerns individually; I lump them together as generic "people." I'm entirely in their business, deciding how many sessions they "should" have and what they can afford. I judge them (and myself) if they don't "get it" in three sessions. I don't share my gifts with them; I don't honor their individual processes. I live in fear of their rejection; if I say, "I charge $500," and they say no, it means I charge too much, they can do better elsewhere, they don't value my product, they are stupid, they are cheapskates, etc.
How do you treat yourself? As a spiritual martyr who has to live on a certain amount of money and never aspire to more because this work is my "calling" rather than my business. As a result, I play very small.
What's the worst thing that could happen if you no longer believed this thought? I'd have no clients.
Can you know that? No. Could the opposite be true? Definitely.
Does this thought bring you peace or stress? Stress.
Who would you be without this thought? Clearer about the value I offer my clients. Creative about other services I can provide to them to support them. More available to people, a listener. I would be a sharer of information, not a people-pleaser. I would not feel the need to apologize for my fees. I would trust (and therefore empower) my clients to make their own decisions and take care of their own needs. I would be more connected to my clients and to the people I meet each day who ask me about my business.
I would be worthy.
Turn-arounds: Someone will pay me a minimum of $500. It is truer; some have; knowing better than I what is best for them, they have insisted on more sessions in spite of my "policy" against it. Other clients who have worked with me for only a few sessions have sent me referrals, and so have indirectly paid me more than my "minimum."
Everyone will pay me a minimum of $500. Yes; if this is my minimum price, everyone who works with me will pay it!
I will not pay myself a minimum of $500. Truer. Id I think I don't deserve it, I'll never charge anyone this amount.
My thinking will not pay me a minimum of $500. Yes; even if I actually earn it, until I know this is perfect for my path and that of my clients, I can't accept this money as my due. Case in point: Barbra Streisand, earning $1000 per concert ticket, but believing that her mother's question, "Who would pay $1000 to see you?" (and really, it was only a question) meant she was unworthy.
© 2005 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
At the time I only offered group workshops and individual sessions of The Work of Byron Katie, the self-inquiry process I facilitate. The workshops are attractively priced in order to allow many people to attend and get a taste of what I offer. A number of attendees go on to hire me privately after experiencing group facilitation with me. However, I had come to the (insane) conclusion that no one should work with me for more than three sessions, since the work I was doing was designed to foster skills that clients would ultimately use on their own.
$500 is not a huge amount of money; many life and business coaches get that much per month from each client they work with, often for years. "But I'm not a coach, or a therapist," I reasoned, "I am an educator. And as such, I am not doing my job if someone still needs me after three sessions."
Translation: "I'm not worthy."
Over the past couple of years I've worked with clients who are dissatisfied with their careers. They aren't making the amount of money they'd like to, they aren't attracting the kinds of clients they'd like to work with, they don't feel fulfilled. What is stopping them? They provide excuses, as I did. Nine times out of ten, when we scratch an excuse (I call excuses "yeahbuts" and "whatifs"), we uncover an underlying belief about unworthiness.
Feelings of unworthiness affect our emotional well-being as well as our business, even for those of us who are incredibly successful. I remember watching a Barbara Walters interview with Barbra Streisand years ago, when Streisand was about to embark on a concert tour where tickets cost upwards of $1000. On a TV show broadcast to millions of people all over the world, Streisand admitted to feeling devastated by her mother's cutting question: "Who would spend $1000 to see you?"
Hundreds of Barbra's fans would, and did, pay that much, and gladly; clearly she's worthy. Why, then, would this question throw a wealthy megastar into publicly confessed self-doubt? Because if they say it, and it hurts, they're right -- but only according to us. "No one can hurt me," Byron Katie says. "That's my job. I do that."
Because I believed I wasn't worthy, my business had to follow the dictates of my mind. I couldn't see clients beyond three sessions because that would have meant, in my convoluted thinking, that I had failed them. What if a client wanted and needed six sessions, or 12, or twice a week for three years? Obviously, they would have had to take their business elsewhere. So, subconsciously, I was banishing my clients and giving my business away to people who had no such self-limiting beliefs.
When I examined my beliefs about my business, I discovered that in attaching to my feelings of unworthiness, I was entirely in my clients' business, deciding for them what they needed and predetermining how much they thought my services were worth. I could never really empower them because I wasn't considering their individual needs. At the same time, I was ignoring my own need to earn a decent living in the name of "shouldn'ts" and "shoulds," "yeahbuts" and "whatifs."
Unquestioned, feelings of unworthiness can run our careers and our lives. Met with understanding through self-inquiry, our fears, doubts and resistances reveal wonderful information about the real world, and its real possibilities for us and our work.
How do you limit yourself with beliefs about your worthiness? Here is an example of self-inquiry on one such belief.
Belief: No one will pay me a minimum of $500.
Is that true? Honestly, I don't know; I haven't tried it in this business yet!
Can you know your clients would be better off if they paid you less? No.
Can you know they'd be better off if they had fewer sessions with you? No. Some people need years of therapy to deal with their issues, for example...and some need just a few visits. Some people take three weeks to heal from surgery, some take three months. One person can learn how to fix a car over a weekend, another requires a six-month course in auto mechanics.
Can you absolutely know that it's true that no one will pay you a minimum of $500? No. As a freelance copywriter I never touched a job for less than $500, no matter how small the assignment, and most of my assignments were in the four figure range. People will pay me handsomely for that, why not for this?
How do you treat your clients when you believe they won't pay you a minimum of $500? I want to impress them with how quick and efficient my services are, how immediately life-changing. I don't gauge their needs and concerns individually; I lump them together as generic "people." I'm entirely in their business, deciding how many sessions they "should" have and what they can afford. I judge them (and myself) if they don't "get it" in three sessions. I don't share my gifts with them; I don't honor their individual processes. I live in fear of their rejection; if I say, "I charge $500," and they say no, it means I charge too much, they can do better elsewhere, they don't value my product, they are stupid, they are cheapskates, etc.
How do you treat yourself? As a spiritual martyr who has to live on a certain amount of money and never aspire to more because this work is my "calling" rather than my business. As a result, I play very small.
What's the worst thing that could happen if you no longer believed this thought? I'd have no clients.
Can you know that? No. Could the opposite be true? Definitely.
Does this thought bring you peace or stress? Stress.
Who would you be without this thought? Clearer about the value I offer my clients. Creative about other services I can provide to them to support them. More available to people, a listener. I would be a sharer of information, not a people-pleaser. I would not feel the need to apologize for my fees. I would trust (and therefore empower) my clients to make their own decisions and take care of their own needs. I would be more connected to my clients and to the people I meet each day who ask me about my business.
I would be worthy.
Turn-arounds: Someone will pay me a minimum of $500. It is truer; some have; knowing better than I what is best for them, they have insisted on more sessions in spite of my "policy" against it. Other clients who have worked with me for only a few sessions have sent me referrals, and so have indirectly paid me more than my "minimum."
Everyone will pay me a minimum of $500. Yes; if this is my minimum price, everyone who works with me will pay it!
I will not pay myself a minimum of $500. Truer. Id I think I don't deserve it, I'll never charge anyone this amount.
My thinking will not pay me a minimum of $500. Yes; even if I actually earn it, until I know this is perfect for my path and that of my clients, I can't accept this money as my due. Case in point: Barbra Streisand, earning $1000 per concert ticket, but believing that her mother's question, "Who would pay $1000 to see you?" (and really, it was only a question) meant she was unworthy.
© 2005 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
July 6, 2005
Article about teaching processes in business settings posted at Noumenon website
I'm honored to announce that my article entitled "You Don't Need Another Process, You Need Results" has been posted at the website of Dr. Kriben Pillay, an expert in organizational processes. Dr. Pillay has been instrumental in moving Byron Katie's work in South Africa and has sponsored two of her tours there. He is the author of the book Radical Work and publishes the Noumenon Journal.
The article URL is
http://www.noumenon.co.za/Carol_Skolnick_Article.htm
This piece previously appeared in the latest issue of PEACEtalks: the Newsletter for Self-inquiry in Business.
The article URL is
http://www.noumenon.co.za/Carol_Skolnick_Article.htm
This piece previously appeared in the latest issue of PEACEtalks: the Newsletter for Self-inquiry in Business.
July 5, 2005
Transforming Shirkers to Workers: A Self-inquiry Approach
On the rare occasions that Dave fulfills his responsibilities in a timely manner, it's even more rare that he'll let you, his manager, know about it. He seems reluctant to take on new assignments, and he does not like rules. Clearly, Dave marches to a different drummer. It would be easy to label him a shirker and try to transfer him, demote him or fire him altogether.
You've known Dave for some time and he wasn't always this way. But things have changed at the office; downsizing, reorgs, and increased demands from senior management mean you're all expected to do more with less. As a manager or supervisor with direct reports, you're obligated to speak to Dave about the problem, particularly if it's performance assessment time. Rather than have a confrontational meeting where you present him with a list of no-no's, it might serve both of you to question your beliefs about Dave first.
Download the "Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet" from my website. Per the instructions, put your thoughts about Dave on paper. "I am disappointed in Dave because..." "Dave should/shouldn't..." "I need Dave to..." "Dave is..." Don't be kind, be critical, judgmental, even petty; inwardly this is what you are doing anyway, and no one will see this.
Your thoughts might look like this:
"Dave does not know the meaning of responsibility."
"Dave is not a team player."
"I want Dave to realize times are tough and we all have to do things we don't want to."
"I want Dave to stop reading e-mail at his desk."
"I need Dave to do his share."
"Dave should grow the hell up."
"Dave should not expect the team to cover for him."
"Dave should not leave at 5 on the dot every night."
"Dave should floss after lunch." (Why not? Even if this has nothing directly to do with his job, that's what you noticed, so write it down.)
"Dave is lazy, dishonest, and will never get anywhere in business."
"I don't ever want to deal with another shiftless employee."
Some who are new to this form of self-inquiry will feel relief at this point. Others will feel overwhelmed and exhausted. That's fine; go easy on yourself. Let the worksheet sit for a day if you need to. Then look at it again and perform self-facilitation of The Work. Choose the statements around which you experience the most stress or those which have the most "charge" for you, and ask yourself the four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do I react when I think this thought?
4. Who would I be without this thought?
If it really drives you crazy that Dave leaves at 5 PM when there's a deadline, start with that. Dave should not leave at 5. Is it true? What is the reality of it,? He does leave at 5. That's what's true...and this does not mean that you won't ask him to stay later. But for right now, can you absolutely know that it's true that he ought not leave at 5 PM when there's work to be done? Can you know you'd be happier and that he'd be better off if he did what you wanted? It might be that if you insisted he stay till 6, he'd spend that entire time on the phone or the internet anyway, unless you stood over him. Do you want to stand over him until 6 PM?
How do you react when you think the thought, "Dave should not leave at 5," and you believe it? What goes through your mind at the sight of his empty cubicle at 5:15? Where do your thoughts travel? How do you treat him when he arrives in the morning? When you hand him an assignment? How do you speak about Dave to other team members as a result of thinking this thought? And have you even asked him to stay later?
Where is your proof that it's better to stay past 5? What are your beliefs about that? Are people who work longer hours more committed, more productive? Does his early leave-taking mean that Dave hates his job and has no respect for you? Make a list.
Who would you be without thttp://beta.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifhe thought, "Dave should not leave at 5?" You might be someone less apprehensive about giving a performance review...someone more willing to ask your employees for what you want...a manager who includes your direct reports in your vision for the company or the department. You might be the team player you wanted Dave to be.
Turn the thought around: "Dave should leave at 5." He should because he does...for now. If you can question your thoughts before confronting Dave and meet as a collaborator towards common goals instead of as a disapointment and a burden, there's no telling how he'll respond to that courtesy. He might even return the favor.
(For more about The Work in your profession, visit Clear Life Solutions and subscribe to the Transformational Inquiry newsletter to receive your free report on inquiry in the workplace.)
©2004 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
You've known Dave for some time and he wasn't always this way. But things have changed at the office; downsizing, reorgs, and increased demands from senior management mean you're all expected to do more with less. As a manager or supervisor with direct reports, you're obligated to speak to Dave about the problem, particularly if it's performance assessment time. Rather than have a confrontational meeting where you present him with a list of no-no's, it might serve both of you to question your beliefs about Dave first.
Download the "Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet" from my website. Per the instructions, put your thoughts about Dave on paper. "I am disappointed in Dave because..." "Dave should/shouldn't..." "I need Dave to..." "Dave is..." Don't be kind, be critical, judgmental, even petty; inwardly this is what you are doing anyway, and no one will see this.
Your thoughts might look like this:
"Dave does not know the meaning of responsibility."
"Dave is not a team player."
"I want Dave to realize times are tough and we all have to do things we don't want to."
"I want Dave to stop reading e-mail at his desk."
"I need Dave to do his share."
"Dave should grow the hell up."
"Dave should not expect the team to cover for him."
"Dave should not leave at 5 on the dot every night."
"Dave should floss after lunch." (Why not? Even if this has nothing directly to do with his job, that's what you noticed, so write it down.)
"Dave is lazy, dishonest, and will never get anywhere in business."
"I don't ever want to deal with another shiftless employee."
Some who are new to this form of self-inquiry will feel relief at this point. Others will feel overwhelmed and exhausted. That's fine; go easy on yourself. Let the worksheet sit for a day if you need to. Then look at it again and perform self-facilitation of The Work. Choose the statements around which you experience the most stress or those which have the most "charge" for you, and ask yourself the four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do I react when I think this thought?
4. Who would I be without this thought?
If it really drives you crazy that Dave leaves at 5 PM when there's a deadline, start with that. Dave should not leave at 5. Is it true? What is the reality of it,? He does leave at 5. That's what's true...and this does not mean that you won't ask him to stay later. But for right now, can you absolutely know that it's true that he ought not leave at 5 PM when there's work to be done? Can you know you'd be happier and that he'd be better off if he did what you wanted? It might be that if you insisted he stay till 6, he'd spend that entire time on the phone or the internet anyway, unless you stood over him. Do you want to stand over him until 6 PM?
How do you react when you think the thought, "Dave should not leave at 5," and you believe it? What goes through your mind at the sight of his empty cubicle at 5:15? Where do your thoughts travel? How do you treat him when he arrives in the morning? When you hand him an assignment? How do you speak about Dave to other team members as a result of thinking this thought? And have you even asked him to stay later?
Where is your proof that it's better to stay past 5? What are your beliefs about that? Are people who work longer hours more committed, more productive? Does his early leave-taking mean that Dave hates his job and has no respect for you? Make a list.
Who would you be without thttp://beta.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifhe thought, "Dave should not leave at 5?" You might be someone less apprehensive about giving a performance review...someone more willing to ask your employees for what you want...a manager who includes your direct reports in your vision for the company or the department. You might be the team player you wanted Dave to be.
Turn the thought around: "Dave should leave at 5." He should because he does...for now. If you can question your thoughts before confronting Dave and meet as a collaborator towards common goals instead of as a disapointment and a burden, there's no telling how he'll respond to that courtesy. He might even return the favor.
(For more about The Work in your profession, visit Clear Life Solutions and subscribe to the Transformational Inquiry newsletter to receive your free report on inquiry in the workplace.)
©2004 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
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