Here are some answers to a few frequently-asked questions about Transformational Inquiry with The Work of Byron Katie.
Q: Isn't The Work a form of psychotherapy? It seems similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
A: Therapy by definition involves the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders by trained, licensed personnel. The Work is not about changing, treating or curing anything and it does not replace psychotherapy, nor is there an assumption that clients are "ill" or not. That said, The Work provides a clean and simple way to approach "thinking disorders," or attachments to self-limiting beliefs that are not true or useful to the client. A facilitator asks questions, and the client answers them if she is willing. As a facilitator, I guide clients through the process of questioning what they believe. As an educator and workshop leader, I design and introduce exercises and disseminate information. I don't diagnose or treat anyone or anything because I am not a therapist.
The Work is a cognitive process because we are working with cognition (thinking). Unlike CBT, there is no concept of pathology and therefore there is nothing to treat or cure. However, inquiring into one's stressful beliefs is a useful component of the therapeutic process...which is why many mental health professionals incorporate The Work into their work with patients. Inquiry is quite compatible with most talk therapies and its results are consistent with cutting-edge research on the brain, the mind and its mechanisms. The Work has been used in Mind-Body Medicine programs at Stanford University Medical Center and Kaiser-Permanente in California in conjunction with mindfulness meditation to help patients suffering from anxiety, depression, stress, infertility and chronic pain. In addition, the student health center at the University of Washington offers The Work of Byron Katie to students as a stress-reduction technique. The Work has also been offered as part of training for psychotherapists at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco, one of the country's leading institutions offering degrees in transpersonal psychology. Renowned ADD and brain scientist Dr. Daniel Amen, founder of Amen Clinics, recommends The Work and offers Katie's books at his website, amenclinics.com.
Q: What makes someone qualified to facilitate The Work? Do you have a certification?
A: Facilitators who have been certified (2007) by the Institute for The Work are the only facilitators recognized by Byron Katie International to provide the pure experience of this inquiry process. Certified Facilitators have fulfilled 100 days of requirements (over 400 hours), have been approved personally by Katie, and are bound by a code of Facilitator Ethics. Certified Facilitators must also keep their certification current each year. I was a member of the first group of 17 facilitators worldwide to receive the ITW Certified Facilitator credential in the spring of 2007.
Since The Work itself is is easily learned and available to anyone at no cost, there are people teaching and using The Work who have never attended the School for The Work and are not Certified Facilitators. They may be fine facilitators, but there is no oversight. So,"know your facilitator."
Q: Isn't The Work a very emotional experience? What if someone "loses it" during a session?
A: In my workshops and in private sessions, people often experience sadness, grief, anger, ecstasy, laughter, tears, irritation, anger, boredom, etc. It's natural to feel and express emotions in the process of self-inquiry, just as we experience them in our daily lives when our issues bubble up. In life, when we "lose it," we either "find it" or we call 9-1-1. In The Work, it's the same.
Q: So then, is The Work a form of coaching?
A: The Work is not coaching in and of itself, and it is an invaluable tool for coaches. I love to teach coaches how to use inquiry with their clients because it can make their jobs a lot easier. I have been a coaching client myself, and my coach, Melanie Keveles, frequently includes The Work in our sessions.
Here's a distinction: in coaching, there is a desired outcome for the client, because the client has come to the coach with an intention or a goal. In The Work, the only intention is for the client to meet stressful thoughts with understanding through self-inquiry. By showing up, the client has expressed a desire to know the truth; the facilitator asks questions to assist that process. If I have an agenda for my client to "get" something, it may interfere with his own process of self-discovery and in fact limit it.
Through self-inquiry, the mind calls its own bluff. When the coaching client's self-limiting beliefs are examined in the light of the questions, the beliefs often dissolve, enabling the coach to better help the client solidify their intentions and formulate action plans.
Q: Will The Work interfere with other transformative healing work that I am doing, or with religious practices...for example, 12-step programs, meditation, worship, other self-help modalities?
A: Some of my friends and clients involved in The Work have included devout Muslims, Hindus, Christians and Jews, Buddhist teachers, a Catholic priest, numerous interfaith ministers and the former head monk of a Hare Krishna temple...not to mention atheists and agnostics, activists and pacifists, Republicans and Democrats, self-help teachers and healers of all stripes. Many of the people I have met at Katie's schools practice The Work concurrently with Sedona Method, The Journey, A Course in Miracles, and various forms of yoga and meditation. Friends in recovery tell me that The Work dovetails beautifully with the 12 steps; it is, after all, the epitome of a "fearless moral inventory."
Some fear that they will have to give up whatever else they're doing if they question their beliefs. Can you absolutely know that this is true? Jews have been questioning their own scriptures since the origins of Judaism! The aforementioned Hare Krishna friend never questioned his belief in Krishna; if a belief is not stressful, there is no need to question it. Rather, when he discovered The Work he saw it as a message and a gift from Krishna.
You needn't ever let go of your religion, your practices, your sacred beliefs; I haven't. The suggestion is to continue to do everything that serves you and brings you joy...and question what doesn't. If you love meditation, ritual, prayer, going to meetings, and you love The Work too, good!
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
September 29, 2006
September 5, 2006
What's the Payoff?
The more I examine the life of the mind, the more I recognize the pure innocence of what we refer to—sometimes disparagingly—as the ego. The ego is that which gives us an identity as an "I." We wake up in the morning and the ego's job is to create a world and establish its place in it. "I am still tired." "I have to go to work." "It's going to be a busy day for me." "I wonder if the kids are still asleep." "I'm still upset about our argument last night." "He was wrong (and therefore "I" was right)."
The I-identified mind (which is a story about who we are, rather than the truth of who we are) is like an organism separate from the body. Like any organism, it seeks homeostatis: a stability of its "normal" condition, equilibrium. "I" needs to know that "it" is okay.
In its innocence, the ego which identifies as an "I" may attach to a belief that results neither in equilibrium nor in peace. To the unquestioned mind, habitual thought patterns may at first seem safer than any alternative. Since the ego needs to be right in order to exist, it may fight for this false homeostasis at all costs. When this happens, a belief, no matter how upsetting, becomes hard to shake. In spite of the problematical nature of the thought, we may experience that it serves us...or that it used to.
That is why, in Transformational Inquiry, we don't try to drop or replace a thought. Only an ego thinks and believes, and as long as we believe we're an "I," there is no bypassing thought. "I have no thoughts" is still a thought! So instead of denying our thoughts, we engage with the ego-identified mind so as to unravel thought at its source.
When the process of inquiry becomes alive in us—which can happen very quickly—sometimes it is difficult to see why we would have ever held a stressful thought to begin with. When I am facilitating The Work of Byron Katie, I ask a two-pronged question: "What do you get for holding this belief? What is the payoff?" In general it's very easy to answer the first part of the question: "I get anxiety, I get to feel separate, I get to be superior, I get to experience war in my relationship." These are the "negative payoffs." The mind is not always so open to the "positive payoffs," or perceived benefits, of attachment to a belief.
When this happens to me while self-facilitating, I find it useful to ask myself a few more questions around my attachment. It has been my experience that stressful thoughts are usually fear-based: clinging to them provides a thinly protective membrane from which I may not be quite ready to emerge but which keeps me from experiencing reality directly.
As we question our beliefs we may recognize that there is no benefit to holding the belief and if so, that's wonderful. However, if the belief still feels sticky, I want to go deeper: any resistance to answering the question "What is the payoff?" is simply the ego-organism asserting its need for homeostasis! The cost of holding the belief is I get to stay in an artificial equilibrium, a facade of safety.
Byron Katie has said that there are only two kinds of fear; the fear of losing what you think you have, or the fear of not getting what you think you want. If there is stuckness regarding the question "What is the payoff," and I suspect the inability to answer is fear-based, I will move towards this question: "What is the worst thing that could happen if I no longer believed this thought? What is the fear that keeps me clinging to it?"
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: "It's not safe to disagree."
Have you ever been afraid to disagree with someone in your life? If so, please take the trip with me back to the place in your past (it might be five decades or even five minutes ago) where you held this belief.
Let's say I work for someone with a short fuse or who likes things to go her way (who doesn't?) and I think the thought, "It's not safe to disagree with her." (Not a stretch; I could go back to at least 10 working relationships where I felt this way, beginning 30 years ago with a job I held at the Hewlett-Woodmere Public Library the summer before I left for college.)
After I question the validity of the thought (Is it true?) and see how I live out of the belief (I avoid her, I kow-tow to her publicly, and secretly or not so secretly, I resent her for having this perceived power over my financial life, career success and "homeostasis" in the office), I ask myself whose business I'm in when I believe this thought (hers, because I'm presuming she'll erupt if I disagree).
Next, I ask myself, "What do I get for holding this belief? What's the payoff?"
The more obvious answers are: I get fear, separation, a reason to hate going to work in the morning. Or, the payoff may not be so obvious, other than "I get an excuse to eat chocolate in an attempt to soothe my jangled nerves." So I move to "What's the worst thing that could happen if I no longer believed this thought?" Well, I would not keep my opinions in check, and then she might fire me." (There's an old saying: "Tell your boss the truth, and the truth shall set you free.")
Why would I fear being fired? What do I have to lose? Her approval, my family and friends' approval, my paycheck, my standing in the community?
There are a whole lot of assumptions operating here: the assumption that someone will be angry with me and that this is not okay; the assumption that disagreement always results in banishment; the assumption that if I disagree, I will be cut off, shunned, alone, without support. I may look at how old this belief is: when did it first occur to me? Early childhood? Who was I trying to appease then? (Mom, Dad, the neighborhood bully, my older cousin, my first grade teacher, the family friend who was molesting me.)
Now I can see that there are perceived payoffs for thinking this thought: if I don't disagree, I get to stay in a no-conflict zone...for the moment. And of course, there is plenty of internal conflict, so this isn't really working for me. What else do I get? Support, which I think I could lose (a paycheck, health insurance). Approval, which I believe I need (friends who see me as responsible and mature; a family that gets upset when I'm not making money and now feels relieved; a boss who sees me as cooperative, reliable and easy to get along with and who may give me a raise and promotion). If nothing else, I think holding the belief lets me keep an identity that gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. ("I" have a job, "I" have a purpose.)
With further inquiry I may come to see that my "benefits plan" comes at too great of a cost. This is fabulous information; it frees me up to live in the present moment, a.k.a. the real world as opposed to the anticipated, unquestioned and therefore scary world of the ego's creation.
At the same time, I can sit with that ego-driven polarity of mind as if with a frightened child or a well-meaning if overprotective parent who just needs some reassurance that all is well. It is not the enemy; quite the contrary. It has simply been trying to protect me. With the clarity that comes from inquiry, I don't have to disown it; instead I can hold it by the hand, listen to all of its concerns, thank it and love it for its innocent good intentions.
What are your payoffs? And are they worth the cost?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
The I-identified mind (which is a story about who we are, rather than the truth of who we are) is like an organism separate from the body. Like any organism, it seeks homeostatis: a stability of its "normal" condition, equilibrium. "I" needs to know that "it" is okay.
In its innocence, the ego which identifies as an "I" may attach to a belief that results neither in equilibrium nor in peace. To the unquestioned mind, habitual thought patterns may at first seem safer than any alternative. Since the ego needs to be right in order to exist, it may fight for this false homeostasis at all costs. When this happens, a belief, no matter how upsetting, becomes hard to shake. In spite of the problematical nature of the thought, we may experience that it serves us...or that it used to.
That is why, in Transformational Inquiry, we don't try to drop or replace a thought. Only an ego thinks and believes, and as long as we believe we're an "I," there is no bypassing thought. "I have no thoughts" is still a thought! So instead of denying our thoughts, we engage with the ego-identified mind so as to unravel thought at its source.
When the process of inquiry becomes alive in us—which can happen very quickly—sometimes it is difficult to see why we would have ever held a stressful thought to begin with. When I am facilitating The Work of Byron Katie, I ask a two-pronged question: "What do you get for holding this belief? What is the payoff?" In general it's very easy to answer the first part of the question: "I get anxiety, I get to feel separate, I get to be superior, I get to experience war in my relationship." These are the "negative payoffs." The mind is not always so open to the "positive payoffs," or perceived benefits, of attachment to a belief.
When this happens to me while self-facilitating, I find it useful to ask myself a few more questions around my attachment. It has been my experience that stressful thoughts are usually fear-based: clinging to them provides a thinly protective membrane from which I may not be quite ready to emerge but which keeps me from experiencing reality directly.
As we question our beliefs we may recognize that there is no benefit to holding the belief and if so, that's wonderful. However, if the belief still feels sticky, I want to go deeper: any resistance to answering the question "What is the payoff?" is simply the ego-organism asserting its need for homeostasis! The cost of holding the belief is I get to stay in an artificial equilibrium, a facade of safety.
Byron Katie has said that there are only two kinds of fear; the fear of losing what you think you have, or the fear of not getting what you think you want. If there is stuckness regarding the question "What is the payoff," and I suspect the inability to answer is fear-based, I will move towards this question: "What is the worst thing that could happen if I no longer believed this thought? What is the fear that keeps me clinging to it?"
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: "It's not safe to disagree."
Have you ever been afraid to disagree with someone in your life? If so, please take the trip with me back to the place in your past (it might be five decades or even five minutes ago) where you held this belief.
Let's say I work for someone with a short fuse or who likes things to go her way (who doesn't?) and I think the thought, "It's not safe to disagree with her." (Not a stretch; I could go back to at least 10 working relationships where I felt this way, beginning 30 years ago with a job I held at the Hewlett-Woodmere Public Library the summer before I left for college.)
After I question the validity of the thought (Is it true?) and see how I live out of the belief (I avoid her, I kow-tow to her publicly, and secretly or not so secretly, I resent her for having this perceived power over my financial life, career success and "homeostasis" in the office), I ask myself whose business I'm in when I believe this thought (hers, because I'm presuming she'll erupt if I disagree).
Next, I ask myself, "What do I get for holding this belief? What's the payoff?"
The more obvious answers are: I get fear, separation, a reason to hate going to work in the morning. Or, the payoff may not be so obvious, other than "I get an excuse to eat chocolate in an attempt to soothe my jangled nerves." So I move to "What's the worst thing that could happen if I no longer believed this thought?" Well, I would not keep my opinions in check, and then she might fire me." (There's an old saying: "Tell your boss the truth, and the truth shall set you free.")
Why would I fear being fired? What do I have to lose? Her approval, my family and friends' approval, my paycheck, my standing in the community?
There are a whole lot of assumptions operating here: the assumption that someone will be angry with me and that this is not okay; the assumption that disagreement always results in banishment; the assumption that if I disagree, I will be cut off, shunned, alone, without support. I may look at how old this belief is: when did it first occur to me? Early childhood? Who was I trying to appease then? (Mom, Dad, the neighborhood bully, my older cousin, my first grade teacher, the family friend who was molesting me.)
Now I can see that there are perceived payoffs for thinking this thought: if I don't disagree, I get to stay in a no-conflict zone...for the moment. And of course, there is plenty of internal conflict, so this isn't really working for me. What else do I get? Support, which I think I could lose (a paycheck, health insurance). Approval, which I believe I need (friends who see me as responsible and mature; a family that gets upset when I'm not making money and now feels relieved; a boss who sees me as cooperative, reliable and easy to get along with and who may give me a raise and promotion). If nothing else, I think holding the belief lets me keep an identity that gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. ("I" have a job, "I" have a purpose.)
With further inquiry I may come to see that my "benefits plan" comes at too great of a cost. This is fabulous information; it frees me up to live in the present moment, a.k.a. the real world as opposed to the anticipated, unquestioned and therefore scary world of the ego's creation.
At the same time, I can sit with that ego-driven polarity of mind as if with a frightened child or a well-meaning if overprotective parent who just needs some reassurance that all is well. It is not the enemy; quite the contrary. It has simply been trying to protect me. With the clarity that comes from inquiry, I don't have to disown it; instead I can hold it by the hand, listen to all of its concerns, thank it and love it for its innocent good intentions.
What are your payoffs? And are they worth the cost?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
August 23, 2006
Questioning Overwhelm
A few years ago in Psychology Today magazine, there was an article accompanied by a marvelously evocative illustration of a man sitting at a desk completely covered with yellow sticky notes. If the mere thought of this makes you want to head for the hills or reach for your favorite addictive substance, you're not alone. Whatever your job, be it parent, student, small business owner or captain of industry, you have likely experienced overwhelm at one time or another in your life and work. Some of us, as we watch the email on the desktop or the dust bunnies under the bed pile up, live with overwhelm every day.
The good news is that overwhelm is not a reality but rather a sequence of thoughts that may or may not correspond to the truth. See if any of these thoughts are familiar to you...
"I'll never get it all done."
"There's too much pressure."
"There's not enough time."
"I don't have enough energy for this."
"I can't say no to that invitation, I have an obligation to attend."
"No one has time to help me."
"I must be really incompetent."
"I can't take this anymore."
To-do lists, setting priorities, memory boosting exercises, color-coded files, pop-up computer reminders...we can master all of the practical self-management techniques in the world, but if we don't examine the root of the feeling of overwhelm, we can be totally organized and on top of everything and still feel like the living dead. It is not the tasks at hand that exhaust and confuse us, but our thoughts about them.
When you are absolutely sure that you are overwhelmed, it may serve you to find a belief behind your stress, write it down and hold that thought up against the four questions of The Work of Byron Katie:
1. Is it true?
"I'll never get it done." "Never" is a strong word. Is this judgment accurate? Can you know what will happen in the future?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
"Absolutely not" is how you feel in the moment, perhaps. And can you think of a time in your life or career when you were under the gun and were sure you could not come through...and you did?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
When I believe "I'll never get it done," it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. The thought itself is so overwhelming that it overwhelms everything. I get very little done, even the easy stuff, because I'm obsessing on the "impossible." When I do this, everything continues to pile up and I'm left with a huge mess and a hugely messy brain filled with other energy-zapping beliefs such as "I'm a failure," or unrealistic pronouncements such as "This shouldn't be so difficult," or resentments like "Other people don't have to do as much as I do." I tell you truly, none of these thoughts has ever contributed to my productivity! To paraphrase Descartes: "I think I can't, therefore I can't."
4. Who would you be without this thought?
I would do what's in front of me...return the first phone call, wash the first dish, open the letter on the the top of the pile, dust one piece of furniture at a time, write the article one word at a time. Once I get started on those "impossible" tasks, often I'm surprised to discover that they seem to get themselves done. There's a momentum that operates in spite of my learned opinion that the job at hand is overwhelming.
Turn the thought around.
"I'll never get it done" reverses to "I'll always get it done." Could this be as true or truer? It has been just as true in my experience.
If you've taken the trip with me so far, I invite you to keep going. Find three genuine examples from your own life of how you've moved through apparent overwhelm, in spite of adverse circumstances and crippling beliefs.
Do this inner Work, as Byron Katie says, not with an agenda to "fix" the situation, but for the love of truth. If you think you don't have time to do The Work when you already have so much to do, question that! What consumes more of your time and energy: examining your beliefs, or letting them run your life?
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: The One On Top
1. "Deal with the one on top."
Not enough time to do it all? You could be right, so address the one project or concern that gives you the most anxiety...even if it's not the one that is due first. It could be that your thoughts about "the one on top" are preventing you from efficiently handling everything else. Once you make a dent in that particular "must do," you may find yourself freer to deal with other responsibilities.
2. "Clean up your mess."
A messy mind equals a messy life. Look around you. Are your environment, your relationships and your body in good working order? "I don't have time to go through my files/go to the gym/go to the dentist/get the copy machine fixed/have that long-overdue holiday lunch with the department/plan a much-needed weekend getaway with my wife." It could be that you don't have time NOT to do those things..or you don't have the luxury to ignore that which is screaming for your attention and taking away valuable mental energy.
3. "XYZ"--eXamine Your Zingers.
What are the self-defeating thoughts that keep you from fulfilling your intentions? Write them down and question yourself about them honestly.
Perhaps your issue is, "I can't concentrate." Let's concentrate on that issue. Is it true that you can't concentrate? Can you find ways that you do successfully concentrate? (Helping your child with her homework, reading and answering your e-mail, preparing a special meal.) Can you find a time in your life when it was easy to concentrate, prior to this belief? What was it like? How did you deal with distractions? What were you doing at the time to take care of yourself? How do you treat yourself, your family, friends, employees or clients when you think the thought "I can't concentrate" and you believe it? Notice how resistance begets more resistance.
How would you function right now if you did not believe this thought, "I can't concentrate?" What would you do first? How would you approach the "to do"list differently than you have up until now? How would that feel to you?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
The good news is that overwhelm is not a reality but rather a sequence of thoughts that may or may not correspond to the truth. See if any of these thoughts are familiar to you...
"I'll never get it all done."
"There's too much pressure."
"There's not enough time."
"I don't have enough energy for this."
"I can't say no to that invitation, I have an obligation to attend."
"No one has time to help me."
"I must be really incompetent."
"I can't take this anymore."
To-do lists, setting priorities, memory boosting exercises, color-coded files, pop-up computer reminders...we can master all of the practical self-management techniques in the world, but if we don't examine the root of the feeling of overwhelm, we can be totally organized and on top of everything and still feel like the living dead. It is not the tasks at hand that exhaust and confuse us, but our thoughts about them.
When you are absolutely sure that you are overwhelmed, it may serve you to find a belief behind your stress, write it down and hold that thought up against the four questions of The Work of Byron Katie:
1. Is it true?
"I'll never get it done." "Never" is a strong word. Is this judgment accurate? Can you know what will happen in the future?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
"Absolutely not" is how you feel in the moment, perhaps. And can you think of a time in your life or career when you were under the gun and were sure you could not come through...and you did?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
When I believe "I'll never get it done," it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. The thought itself is so overwhelming that it overwhelms everything. I get very little done, even the easy stuff, because I'm obsessing on the "impossible." When I do this, everything continues to pile up and I'm left with a huge mess and a hugely messy brain filled with other energy-zapping beliefs such as "I'm a failure," or unrealistic pronouncements such as "This shouldn't be so difficult," or resentments like "Other people don't have to do as much as I do." I tell you truly, none of these thoughts has ever contributed to my productivity! To paraphrase Descartes: "I think I can't, therefore I can't."
4. Who would you be without this thought?
I would do what's in front of me...return the first phone call, wash the first dish, open the letter on the the top of the pile, dust one piece of furniture at a time, write the article one word at a time. Once I get started on those "impossible" tasks, often I'm surprised to discover that they seem to get themselves done. There's a momentum that operates in spite of my learned opinion that the job at hand is overwhelming.
Turn the thought around.
"I'll never get it done" reverses to "I'll always get it done." Could this be as true or truer? It has been just as true in my experience.
If you've taken the trip with me so far, I invite you to keep going. Find three genuine examples from your own life of how you've moved through apparent overwhelm, in spite of adverse circumstances and crippling beliefs.
Do this inner Work, as Byron Katie says, not with an agenda to "fix" the situation, but for the love of truth. If you think you don't have time to do The Work when you already have so much to do, question that! What consumes more of your time and energy: examining your beliefs, or letting them run your life?
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: The One On Top
1. "Deal with the one on top."
Not enough time to do it all? You could be right, so address the one project or concern that gives you the most anxiety...even if it's not the one that is due first. It could be that your thoughts about "the one on top" are preventing you from efficiently handling everything else. Once you make a dent in that particular "must do," you may find yourself freer to deal with other responsibilities.
2. "Clean up your mess."
A messy mind equals a messy life. Look around you. Are your environment, your relationships and your body in good working order? "I don't have time to go through my files/go to the gym/go to the dentist/get the copy machine fixed/have that long-overdue holiday lunch with the department/plan a much-needed weekend getaway with my wife." It could be that you don't have time NOT to do those things..or you don't have the luxury to ignore that which is screaming for your attention and taking away valuable mental energy.
3. "XYZ"--eXamine Your Zingers.
What are the self-defeating thoughts that keep you from fulfilling your intentions? Write them down and question yourself about them honestly.
Perhaps your issue is, "I can't concentrate." Let's concentrate on that issue. Is it true that you can't concentrate? Can you find ways that you do successfully concentrate? (Helping your child with her homework, reading and answering your e-mail, preparing a special meal.) Can you find a time in your life when it was easy to concentrate, prior to this belief? What was it like? How did you deal with distractions? What were you doing at the time to take care of yourself? How do you treat yourself, your family, friends, employees or clients when you think the thought "I can't concentrate" and you believe it? Notice how resistance begets more resistance.
How would you function right now if you did not believe this thought, "I can't concentrate?" What would you do first? How would you approach the "to do"list differently than you have up until now? How would that feel to you?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
August 3, 2006
Barometric Pressure
If you've ever heard a weather report, you know that a barometer is a device used to measure atmospheric pressure, which determines if it's going to be a "nice" day or not. The word "barometer" is also used for anything that indicates fluctuations of all sorts. A poll is a barometer of public opinion, for example, while test scores are a barometer of knowledge.
Our friends, families, partners, clients, supervisors, employees, colleagues and every other sentient being in the galaxy are our "belief barometers." They show us exactly how we treat people and how we, ourselves expect to be treated. In the course of a day, we interact with others (if only in our minds) and the interaction results in a feeling. In the case of an uncomfortable feeling, the feeling is a signal (and sometimes a warning siren) that something is off-kilter in our thinking.
When the belief-barometric pressure is high, it's time to examine our thoughts. For example, you may experience a certain business associate as intractable. Good! This means your belief-barometer is in working order.
What is the erroneous belief you are attaching to? It may be, "She should not bat away every suggestion I make."
There are at least three ways to apply inquiry to this belief statement.
1. She should not bat away suggestions.
2. She bats away every suggestion I make.
3. People should listen to me.
If we're looking at "She should not bat away suggestions," the first question to ask "Is it true that she should not bat away suggestions?" What is the reality of it? She is batting them away, according to you, whether or not you believe she ought to be doing it. What can you do now? If you think she should accept your suggestions gratefully and with grace, you are at war with her and with the truth of what is happening now. Consider what this war affects the way you conduct business. How do you treat her, your clients, your vendors, your direct reports or your boss when you think they should not have opinions of their own? How do you approach them in meetings or on conference calls? Do you expect that they will resist? And what is your protective response when you have that expectation? What armor do you wear?
Another way in: "She bats away every suggestion I make." Is that really true? Every single suggestion? Can you find an instance where she listened to you? Conversely, can you remember a time that you did not follow her suggestion? How about the suggestion that she would like a different suggestion than the one you provided? We think it's easy for others to follow our suggestions, and yet, when this standard is reversed...not so easy!
"People should listen to me." As Byron Katie might ask, "On what planet!?" Dogs bark, cats meow and sometimes people appear not to listen. How do you treat your clients, your assistant, your spouse, your kids when you hold this belief? Does it feel a little arrogant...a bit uncomfortable, even when you are the victor?
People who don't listen are a most excellent barometer. If we're annoyed, they let us know that it's time to check the pressure gauge inside of us. When it's foul weather inside, we can do The Work of looking at the relationship honestly. And once the inner elements are in tune, we can continue to communicate and interact with other people from a clear perspective. At least one of us will be listening...the one who truly needs to.
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: Watching Your Belief Barometer
1. We've seen how other people are barometers of our own beliefs. This week, take note when you feel reactive towards others. What is the "underlying belief" beneath the feeling of discomfort, annoyance, or anger? "I want..." "I need..." "they should..." "they shouldn't..." "they are..." "they aren't..." "I refuse to..."
2. "If I think they need to change, I need to change." Think of someone you work with or live with who could use your advice. Write an "if...then my life would be much better" statement about this person. Example:
"If so-and-so did thus and such, then..." what would you have? Make a list and question each statement thoroughly. For example, "If Sheila took my advice, she would triple her business this year, and then I would have a satisfied client, more contracts, etc." Can you absolutely know that Sheila would triple her business? Is it true that, even if her business tripled, she'd be happier with you, and you with her? Can you absolutely know that increasing her revenues would bring you more clients?
3. "It only takes one for closure." Examine your toughest work or life relationship with an open mind. Ask yourself what your part is in any misfires or misunderstandings (It might be a whole lot, or less than 1%; can you find it?) You may even want to tell them what you found out about you and ask how you can make it right between you. Does it feel more expansive inside of you to let them -- and you -- off the hook?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Our friends, families, partners, clients, supervisors, employees, colleagues and every other sentient being in the galaxy are our "belief barometers." They show us exactly how we treat people and how we, ourselves expect to be treated. In the course of a day, we interact with others (if only in our minds) and the interaction results in a feeling. In the case of an uncomfortable feeling, the feeling is a signal (and sometimes a warning siren) that something is off-kilter in our thinking.
When the belief-barometric pressure is high, it's time to examine our thoughts. For example, you may experience a certain business associate as intractable. Good! This means your belief-barometer is in working order.
What is the erroneous belief you are attaching to? It may be, "She should not bat away every suggestion I make."
There are at least three ways to apply inquiry to this belief statement.
1. She should not bat away suggestions.
2. She bats away every suggestion I make.
3. People should listen to me.
If we're looking at "She should not bat away suggestions," the first question to ask "Is it true that she should not bat away suggestions?" What is the reality of it? She is batting them away, according to you, whether or not you believe she ought to be doing it. What can you do now? If you think she should accept your suggestions gratefully and with grace, you are at war with her and with the truth of what is happening now. Consider what this war affects the way you conduct business. How do you treat her, your clients, your vendors, your direct reports or your boss when you think they should not have opinions of their own? How do you approach them in meetings or on conference calls? Do you expect that they will resist? And what is your protective response when you have that expectation? What armor do you wear?
Another way in: "She bats away every suggestion I make." Is that really true? Every single suggestion? Can you find an instance where she listened to you? Conversely, can you remember a time that you did not follow her suggestion? How about the suggestion that she would like a different suggestion than the one you provided? We think it's easy for others to follow our suggestions, and yet, when this standard is reversed...not so easy!
"People should listen to me." As Byron Katie might ask, "On what planet!?" Dogs bark, cats meow and sometimes people appear not to listen. How do you treat your clients, your assistant, your spouse, your kids when you hold this belief? Does it feel a little arrogant...a bit uncomfortable, even when you are the victor?
People who don't listen are a most excellent barometer. If we're annoyed, they let us know that it's time to check the pressure gauge inside of us. When it's foul weather inside, we can do The Work of looking at the relationship honestly. And once the inner elements are in tune, we can continue to communicate and interact with other people from a clear perspective. At least one of us will be listening...the one who truly needs to.
Deepening Transformational Inquiry: Watching Your Belief Barometer
1. We've seen how other people are barometers of our own beliefs. This week, take note when you feel reactive towards others. What is the "underlying belief" beneath the feeling of discomfort, annoyance, or anger? "I want..." "I need..." "they should..." "they shouldn't..." "they are..." "they aren't..." "I refuse to..."
2. "If I think they need to change, I need to change." Think of someone you work with or live with who could use your advice. Write an "if...then my life would be much better" statement about this person. Example:
"If so-and-so did thus and such, then..." what would you have? Make a list and question each statement thoroughly. For example, "If Sheila took my advice, she would triple her business this year, and then I would have a satisfied client, more contracts, etc." Can you absolutely know that Sheila would triple her business? Is it true that, even if her business tripled, she'd be happier with you, and you with her? Can you absolutely know that increasing her revenues would bring you more clients?
3. "It only takes one for closure." Examine your toughest work or life relationship with an open mind. Ask yourself what your part is in any misfires or misunderstandings (It might be a whole lot, or less than 1%; can you find it?) You may even want to tell them what you found out about you and ask how you can make it right between you. Does it feel more expansive inside of you to let them -- and you -- off the hook?
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
July 25, 2006
Goldilocks, the Two Bears and the Master of Nonduality
Once upon a time there were three bears...
A Papa bear...
A Mama bear...
And a bear with Beginner's Mind.
The three bears apparently sat down to have breakfast one morning. Papa Bear declared, "My chair is too hard."
Mama Bear sat in her seat and complained, "My chair is too soft."
And the open-minded little Baby Bear who attached to no such concepts as "too hard" or "too soft," happily pronounced his little chair to be "just right."
The bears shifted their attention (for that is what mind does) to the bowls of cooked cereal that lay before them.
Papa Bear declared, "My porridge is too hot!"
Mama Bear tried hers. "My porridge is too cold!"
Baby Bear, whose understanding was prior to the world of opposites which is the world of suffering, had no such polarity of mind. "My porridge is just right," he said, totally loving what is.
Stunned by that koan, the ursine elders stopped eating and their attention moved to taking a walk. Imprisoned in the "I-Know" mind, they hoped that when they returned, things would be more to their liking. And Little Bear ambled along behind them, in flow, completely in the Now.
While they were gone, life happened, as it is wont to do. Goldilocks, who was making her way through the dense forest of her beliefs, had the stressful thought that she was tired and hungry, and attaching to that thought, she compromised her integrity by breaking and entering the bears' home. Her belief in "fatigue" led her to the bears' chairs. She found Papa Bear's chair to be too hard, and Mama Bear's chair to be too soft. Mind's job is to be right, and Goldilocks did not know how to question what she believed. Had she done so, she might have realized she was not tired at all, since a truly tired person would have gratefully sunken into any chair. Alas, she who knows, knows not. So the unknowning Goldilocks, who "knew" that Baby Bear's chair was the one for her, sat in it and broke it.
Suddenly forgetting all about her fatigue, her thoughts turned to food. Rather than welcoming and feeling the sensation of hunger or investigating the thought prior to the feeling, she un-mindfully tucked into Papa Bear's porridge. As she did so, she felt her mouth on fire and, like Papa Bear before her, christened the cereal "too hot." The whole world might agree, and yet she did not ask herself if it were true; thus, she suffered.
Goldilocks moved to Mama Bear's porridge, which she found to be too cold. So many conditions! Was she hungry or not? No matter, for Goldilocks was at war with reality, convinced that there was something better than This Now. Holding that belief, she polished off Little Bear's "just right" porridge and called it wisdom.
Sated (for the moment, because the feeling of fullness would soon pass and the wheel of samsara would spin once more), Goldilocks remembered that she believed she was tired and she moved to the bears' bedroom. She found Papa Bear's bed to be too hard (was she tired or not?), and Mama Bear's bed to be too soft (too soft to support her body? Too soft to be a bed? Too soft in this moment? Nothing exists that is not Shiva, except for this bed???). The last stop was Baby Bear's little bed, and the I-Know mind, needing proof and running out of alternatives, deemed it "just right." Soon Goldilocks, already asleep, was asleep in a different way, dreaming a different kind of dream but no less of a dream than the waking one.
Soon afterwards, the Bear Family returned to their ransacked home. Papa Bear growled, "Someone's been sitting in my chair." Could he absolutely know this was true? It wasn't the way he remembered having left it, and mind is an unreliable narrator. On borrowed interest, Mama Bear said, "Someone's been sitting in my chair!" This brought her the strange satisfaction of agreement, which only serves to validate the ego...until the first argument, that is. Then the story changes to "My husband doesn't understand me," "I want a divorce," and "Who keeps the house?"
Baby Bear, noticing his broken chair, exclaimed, "Somebody's been sitting in my chair (true enough, for he had sat in it himself just prior to leaving their home), and it's broken!" (Which it was, in the sense of relative reality where things are said to be broken or whole.)
Then Papa Bear looked into his bowl of porridge. "Somebody has been eating my porridge," he roared. ("Who is it who has been eating what?" He neglected to ask himself, in all innocence. We all would ask these questions if only we knew how.) An adherent of Bear Lore, Mama Bear repeated his mantra, "Somebody has been eating my porridge!" Baby Bear, seeing that his bowl was empty, had no proof that his portion of porridge had in fact been eaten all up or that it had ever existed in the first place. However, out of kindness, he spoke as if he too believed in the illusion, because true Love joins with its mirror image. Between "porridge" and "not porridge," Baby Bear's life flowed peacefully. It was not for him to push others beyond their evolution.
Not so with his parents. They proceeded to the bedroom, still wanting to be right. Papa Bear, noticing his quilt was askew, accused someone of having slept in his bed, though in fact no one had; Goldilocks had only tested it out and found it lacking. Mama Bear, too, was taken in by the world of appearance and exclaimed, "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!"
The little Baby Bear, fully awake, said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed (the sleep of the one who lives in the dream) and here she is!" The wise little bear had no problem with there being someone in his bed; he was simply making an observation. What is, is. And in fact there she was, the Someone in that bed, in that moment...but only in that moment for in the next moment she took off like a shot, frightened out of her wits because she believed her thoughts about bears. ("Bears are dangerous;" meanwhile she was the intruder, the thief, the destroyer of chairs.)
Goldilocks told the story of her "narrow escape" far and wide, and that story has been told over and again ever since as if it really happened as she perceived it. In that way she created her reality as a victim, in danger, who emerged victorious as a hero. And the bears? We could say they carried on with their lives, but since no one observed them and came back to tell us, that would be just another fairy tale.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. (Is that true?)
A Papa bear...
A Mama bear...
And a bear with Beginner's Mind.
The three bears apparently sat down to have breakfast one morning. Papa Bear declared, "My chair is too hard."
Mama Bear sat in her seat and complained, "My chair is too soft."
And the open-minded little Baby Bear who attached to no such concepts as "too hard" or "too soft," happily pronounced his little chair to be "just right."
The bears shifted their attention (for that is what mind does) to the bowls of cooked cereal that lay before them.
Papa Bear declared, "My porridge is too hot!"
Mama Bear tried hers. "My porridge is too cold!"
Baby Bear, whose understanding was prior to the world of opposites which is the world of suffering, had no such polarity of mind. "My porridge is just right," he said, totally loving what is.
Stunned by that koan, the ursine elders stopped eating and their attention moved to taking a walk. Imprisoned in the "I-Know" mind, they hoped that when they returned, things would be more to their liking. And Little Bear ambled along behind them, in flow, completely in the Now.
While they were gone, life happened, as it is wont to do. Goldilocks, who was making her way through the dense forest of her beliefs, had the stressful thought that she was tired and hungry, and attaching to that thought, she compromised her integrity by breaking and entering the bears' home. Her belief in "fatigue" led her to the bears' chairs. She found Papa Bear's chair to be too hard, and Mama Bear's chair to be too soft. Mind's job is to be right, and Goldilocks did not know how to question what she believed. Had she done so, she might have realized she was not tired at all, since a truly tired person would have gratefully sunken into any chair. Alas, she who knows, knows not. So the unknowning Goldilocks, who "knew" that Baby Bear's chair was the one for her, sat in it and broke it.
Suddenly forgetting all about her fatigue, her thoughts turned to food. Rather than welcoming and feeling the sensation of hunger or investigating the thought prior to the feeling, she un-mindfully tucked into Papa Bear's porridge. As she did so, she felt her mouth on fire and, like Papa Bear before her, christened the cereal "too hot." The whole world might agree, and yet she did not ask herself if it were true; thus, she suffered.
Goldilocks moved to Mama Bear's porridge, which she found to be too cold. So many conditions! Was she hungry or not? No matter, for Goldilocks was at war with reality, convinced that there was something better than This Now. Holding that belief, she polished off Little Bear's "just right" porridge and called it wisdom.
Sated (for the moment, because the feeling of fullness would soon pass and the wheel of samsara would spin once more), Goldilocks remembered that she believed she was tired and she moved to the bears' bedroom. She found Papa Bear's bed to be too hard (was she tired or not?), and Mama Bear's bed to be too soft (too soft to support her body? Too soft to be a bed? Too soft in this moment? Nothing exists that is not Shiva, except for this bed???). The last stop was Baby Bear's little bed, and the I-Know mind, needing proof and running out of alternatives, deemed it "just right." Soon Goldilocks, already asleep, was asleep in a different way, dreaming a different kind of dream but no less of a dream than the waking one.
Soon afterwards, the Bear Family returned to their ransacked home. Papa Bear growled, "Someone's been sitting in my chair." Could he absolutely know this was true? It wasn't the way he remembered having left it, and mind is an unreliable narrator. On borrowed interest, Mama Bear said, "Someone's been sitting in my chair!" This brought her the strange satisfaction of agreement, which only serves to validate the ego...until the first argument, that is. Then the story changes to "My husband doesn't understand me," "I want a divorce," and "Who keeps the house?"
Baby Bear, noticing his broken chair, exclaimed, "Somebody's been sitting in my chair (true enough, for he had sat in it himself just prior to leaving their home), and it's broken!" (Which it was, in the sense of relative reality where things are said to be broken or whole.)
Then Papa Bear looked into his bowl of porridge. "Somebody has been eating my porridge," he roared. ("Who is it who has been eating what?" He neglected to ask himself, in all innocence. We all would ask these questions if only we knew how.) An adherent of Bear Lore, Mama Bear repeated his mantra, "Somebody has been eating my porridge!" Baby Bear, seeing that his bowl was empty, had no proof that his portion of porridge had in fact been eaten all up or that it had ever existed in the first place. However, out of kindness, he spoke as if he too believed in the illusion, because true Love joins with its mirror image. Between "porridge" and "not porridge," Baby Bear's life flowed peacefully. It was not for him to push others beyond their evolution.
Not so with his parents. They proceeded to the bedroom, still wanting to be right. Papa Bear, noticing his quilt was askew, accused someone of having slept in his bed, though in fact no one had; Goldilocks had only tested it out and found it lacking. Mama Bear, too, was taken in by the world of appearance and exclaimed, "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!"
The little Baby Bear, fully awake, said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed (the sleep of the one who lives in the dream) and here she is!" The wise little bear had no problem with there being someone in his bed; he was simply making an observation. What is, is. And in fact there she was, the Someone in that bed, in that moment...but only in that moment for in the next moment she took off like a shot, frightened out of her wits because she believed her thoughts about bears. ("Bears are dangerous;" meanwhile she was the intruder, the thief, the destroyer of chairs.)
Goldilocks told the story of her "narrow escape" far and wide, and that story has been told over and again ever since as if it really happened as she perceived it. In that way she created her reality as a victim, in danger, who emerged victorious as a hero. And the bears? We could say they carried on with their lives, but since no one observed them and came back to tell us, that would be just another fairy tale.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. (Is that true?)
July 1, 2006
Relationship Troubles? "You're Just Not That Into You!"
(Note: This book review is over a year old and was never published. I put it here to encourage you to read Byron Katie's unsung second book. Very different stylistically from Loving What Is,it is nonetheless extremely powerful. I found myself on every page and could hardly talk to anyone for a couple of weeks, so aware was I of dishonesty and manipulation in my actions and communications, romantic and otherwise. —CS)
I Need Your Love—Is That True?
How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation
and Start Finding Them Instead
by Byron Katie
written with Michael Katz
Harmony Books, April 2005 , 288 pages, $24.00
While reading Byron Katie's new book, I was reminded of a Hindu teaching story about a monk who yearned for a vision of the Divine Mother. For many years he prayed, worshiped and performed so many austerities that he became self-realized and forgot about his quest. It was only then that the deity finally revealed herself to the monk, who regarded this miracle with the same peaceful equanimity in which he had been living for some time. Already merged in her supreme love, he no longer needed to see the Goddess' form. Why, then, did she wait so long to appear? She didn't; she was always there. Until the monk came to know his own divine nature, he was unable to see her.
Similarly, in the provocatively titled I Need Your Love—Is That True?—a book of revelations cleverly disguised as a relationship guide—Byron Katie writes: "Without the stressful thoughts that separate us from one another, there is only one mind, and it's everywhere. Bodies can't be connected....There's no point in trying, because you're already connected. You can only connect with yourself and find that out."
Not too many relationship experts will ask you to question the very existence of your partner; it's not the kind of strategy that sells self-help books. But in a sense, that's exactly what Byron Katie, author of the best-seller Loving What Is, proposes in her latest offering. And why not? If the endless proliferation of psycho-spiritual guides is any indication, no one else has succeeded in providing us with a proven formula for having a happy life and finding the perfect partner. Furthermore, Katie is famous for saying that she doesn't have the answers at all, just the questions. Therein lies the difference: self-realization—emphasis on "self"—is a much easier way of relating to others than manipulation, people-pleasing or isolation.
In fact, we don't relate to people, Byron Katie tells us, but to our thoughts about them...and it is our thoughts with which we manipulate ourselves when we try to impress, attract, seduce and control. With Katie's simple process of self-inquiry, called The Work, we question what we believe about others in order to get what we have always wanted...from ourselves.
"My mother didn't love me." "My girlfriend shouldn't leave me." "My husband wants too much sex." Thoughts like these depress us and keep us jumping through hoops to please others; we end up making war, not love when we don't get the desired results. Ironically, Katie points out, the struggle to win people over (or to bend them to our will) makes it nearly impossible to experience the love and support we most want, not just in romance but all relationships—familial, convivial and professional.
Katie's first book, Loving What Is (Harmony Books 2002) is an eye-opening guide to self-knowledge through The Work, a sequence of four simple life-changing questions followed by a thought-reversal technique called a "turnaround." (The Work is so simple, in fact, that our complexity-loving minds find it easy to dismiss.) I Need Your Love–Is That True? stands on the shoulders of Loving What Is by applying Katie's self-inquiry technique to the stress-inducing beliefs we hold dear about the people to whom we are closest. Through real-life examples of people doing inquiry on their objections about their loved ones, Katie shows us how we live when we dwell in a world of unfulfilled needs, wants and shoulds...while pointing us towards a way out of that hell.
For the willing, using Katie's process can rock your world...but even just reading her pronouncements can stop the mind dead in its "I know" tracks. Katie has a way of sneaking in the Great Truths of the Ages when speaking of the most mundane things, such as whether or not husbands and children should pick up their socks. If you read I Need Your Love with an open mind—whether or not you do The Work or play with the easy and enjoyable exercises sprinkled throughout the book—you may find yourself questioning everything you've ever said, every move you've ever made to secure love, approval and appreciation from lovers and other strangers.
That's one of those Great Truths that are so easy to miss when we're focused on the socks on the floor (or on money, sex, or your favorite "need-want-should"): our loved ones are strangers. They have to be, because they are our projection in the moment, and the projection changes based on whether or not we are pleased with it. On every page of I Need Your Love, Katie demonstrates how questioning our most stressful projections (we get to keep the peaceful ones) results in knowing our partners (and ourselves) as we never have nor could before. (Think of the Goddess vision.)
If this sounds like spiritual woo-woo, the proof is in the process and its founder. I Need Your Love—Is That True? is based on Katie's own experience—and that of hundreds of thousands of people who use The Work—of meeting thoughts with understanding. Katie's life story, briefly recounted in the book's introduction, is compelling: marriage and family life, successful business, all's well...followed by many years of crippling bed-ridden depression, addictions, agoraphobia, rage, paranoia, hitting bottom and then a depth-charge when Katie realized she no longer had to attach to every dictate and opinion of the mind...that finding one's own truth is the end of suffering. Katie's "moment of clarity" as she calls it sounds a lot like the Buddha's awakening, but it happened in a Mojave desert backwater to a woman with no religion, teacher or interest in psychology...in the midst of a familiar-sounding American life story. And, as Katie experienced, your teacher is the one you're living with. That s/he doesn't give you love, approval and appreciation is part of the divine teaching. "People go to India to find a guru," Katie says, "but you don't have to....Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom."
Katie's Work is a surgery and in I Need Your Love—Is That True? she dispenses with the anesthesia and wastes no time in asking us, "Do you believe everything you think?" As anyone who has ever lain awake at night knows, we don't even think our own thoughts; they're rather like the CNN ticker, always going, ever-changing, about the lover, the wife's lover, the boss, George W. Bush, Uncle Bill. Believing our thoughts may give us the illusion of being right, but at what price? And while the mind loves to be right, it also loves to be understood. This is why Katie's written inquiry method (visit www.thework.com online for a complete overview)—in which you privately sound off on your partner, on paper, in order to learn about yourself—can change your life if you let it, but it is not for the squeamish. It is for those who are ready to know the truth.
What is the worst that could happen if you follow Katie's lead? "Won't I become complacent?" you may ask, or "What if my partner leaves?" One of the remarkable things about I Need Your Love is the way Katie addresses every possible objection to merciless mental investigation, honest communication and living authentically in relationship. In one of the more radical passages, she says:
I can close my eyes and see my husband in the arms of a woman loving him, and I want that if it's what he wants, and I also see my life without him and how full that would be. I always have an abundance of love in my life. Everyone does. There is never a shortage and never too much.
Sometimes Katie asks us to do what seems unimaginable...for example, to picture how life might actually be better if our children died. "Be a traitor to misery," she says. "There's nothing macabre about this. The point is to break the grip of a fearful belief." We make pronouncements all the time about how we cannot go on...how we can't take anymore...and when we believe this, it becomes our reality. "Is that true?" Katie asks, inviting us to get very literal and realistic. "Are you still breathing?"
As for criticism, Katie says, it's a gift...and if it hurts, they're right. "What could anyone call me that I couldn't find at some time in my life?" she asks. "If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered."
However, Katie never condones staying in an unhappy or abusive union; she simply suggests ending it as a sane person. "Whether you stay in or leave a relationship, there are always two ways to do it," Katie writes. "One way is in peace, with love; the other is at war, with anger and blame." Which do you prefer?
Simply put, I Need Your Love—Is That True? is for people who don't follow The Rules, don't live on Mars or Venus and who prefer being themselves to using sales techniques for winning friends and influencing people. Katie's Work takes the drama and mystery out of living happily on a planet populated with apparent others; it results in a kinder, gentler way to exist, sans neediness and insecurity, deception-free. In the end, as the fabled monk discovered, mature and authentic relating is all about you, and that doesn't mean that your God or Goddess won't come. "When you have that sweet relationship with yourself," Katie tells us, "your partner is an added pleasure. It's over-the-top grace."
©2005 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
I Need Your Love—Is That True?
How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation
and Start Finding Them Instead
by Byron Katie
written with Michael Katz
Harmony Books, April 2005 , 288 pages, $24.00
While reading Byron Katie's new book, I was reminded of a Hindu teaching story about a monk who yearned for a vision of the Divine Mother. For many years he prayed, worshiped and performed so many austerities that he became self-realized and forgot about his quest. It was only then that the deity finally revealed herself to the monk, who regarded this miracle with the same peaceful equanimity in which he had been living for some time. Already merged in her supreme love, he no longer needed to see the Goddess' form. Why, then, did she wait so long to appear? She didn't; she was always there. Until the monk came to know his own divine nature, he was unable to see her.
Similarly, in the provocatively titled I Need Your Love—Is That True?—a book of revelations cleverly disguised as a relationship guide—Byron Katie writes: "Without the stressful thoughts that separate us from one another, there is only one mind, and it's everywhere. Bodies can't be connected....There's no point in trying, because you're already connected. You can only connect with yourself and find that out."
Not too many relationship experts will ask you to question the very existence of your partner; it's not the kind of strategy that sells self-help books. But in a sense, that's exactly what Byron Katie, author of the best-seller Loving What Is, proposes in her latest offering. And why not? If the endless proliferation of psycho-spiritual guides is any indication, no one else has succeeded in providing us with a proven formula for having a happy life and finding the perfect partner. Furthermore, Katie is famous for saying that she doesn't have the answers at all, just the questions. Therein lies the difference: self-realization—emphasis on "self"—is a much easier way of relating to others than manipulation, people-pleasing or isolation.
In fact, we don't relate to people, Byron Katie tells us, but to our thoughts about them...and it is our thoughts with which we manipulate ourselves when we try to impress, attract, seduce and control. With Katie's simple process of self-inquiry, called The Work, we question what we believe about others in order to get what we have always wanted...from ourselves.
"My mother didn't love me." "My girlfriend shouldn't leave me." "My husband wants too much sex." Thoughts like these depress us and keep us jumping through hoops to please others; we end up making war, not love when we don't get the desired results. Ironically, Katie points out, the struggle to win people over (or to bend them to our will) makes it nearly impossible to experience the love and support we most want, not just in romance but all relationships—familial, convivial and professional.
Katie's first book, Loving What Is (Harmony Books 2002) is an eye-opening guide to self-knowledge through The Work, a sequence of four simple life-changing questions followed by a thought-reversal technique called a "turnaround." (The Work is so simple, in fact, that our complexity-loving minds find it easy to dismiss.) I Need Your Love–Is That True? stands on the shoulders of Loving What Is by applying Katie's self-inquiry technique to the stress-inducing beliefs we hold dear about the people to whom we are closest. Through real-life examples of people doing inquiry on their objections about their loved ones, Katie shows us how we live when we dwell in a world of unfulfilled needs, wants and shoulds...while pointing us towards a way out of that hell.
For the willing, using Katie's process can rock your world...but even just reading her pronouncements can stop the mind dead in its "I know" tracks. Katie has a way of sneaking in the Great Truths of the Ages when speaking of the most mundane things, such as whether or not husbands and children should pick up their socks. If you read I Need Your Love with an open mind—whether or not you do The Work or play with the easy and enjoyable exercises sprinkled throughout the book—you may find yourself questioning everything you've ever said, every move you've ever made to secure love, approval and appreciation from lovers and other strangers.
That's one of those Great Truths that are so easy to miss when we're focused on the socks on the floor (or on money, sex, or your favorite "need-want-should"): our loved ones are strangers. They have to be, because they are our projection in the moment, and the projection changes based on whether or not we are pleased with it. On every page of I Need Your Love, Katie demonstrates how questioning our most stressful projections (we get to keep the peaceful ones) results in knowing our partners (and ourselves) as we never have nor could before. (Think of the Goddess vision.)
If this sounds like spiritual woo-woo, the proof is in the process and its founder. I Need Your Love—Is That True? is based on Katie's own experience—and that of hundreds of thousands of people who use The Work—of meeting thoughts with understanding. Katie's life story, briefly recounted in the book's introduction, is compelling: marriage and family life, successful business, all's well...followed by many years of crippling bed-ridden depression, addictions, agoraphobia, rage, paranoia, hitting bottom and then a depth-charge when Katie realized she no longer had to attach to every dictate and opinion of the mind...that finding one's own truth is the end of suffering. Katie's "moment of clarity" as she calls it sounds a lot like the Buddha's awakening, but it happened in a Mojave desert backwater to a woman with no religion, teacher or interest in psychology...in the midst of a familiar-sounding American life story. And, as Katie experienced, your teacher is the one you're living with. That s/he doesn't give you love, approval and appreciation is part of the divine teaching. "People go to India to find a guru," Katie says, "but you don't have to....Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom."
"What could anyone call me that I couldn't find at some time in my life? If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered."
Katie's Work is a surgery and in I Need Your Love—Is That True? she dispenses with the anesthesia and wastes no time in asking us, "Do you believe everything you think?" As anyone who has ever lain awake at night knows, we don't even think our own thoughts; they're rather like the CNN ticker, always going, ever-changing, about the lover, the wife's lover, the boss, George W. Bush, Uncle Bill. Believing our thoughts may give us the illusion of being right, but at what price? And while the mind loves to be right, it also loves to be understood. This is why Katie's written inquiry method (visit www.thework.com online for a complete overview)—in which you privately sound off on your partner, on paper, in order to learn about yourself—can change your life if you let it, but it is not for the squeamish. It is for those who are ready to know the truth.
What is the worst that could happen if you follow Katie's lead? "Won't I become complacent?" you may ask, or "What if my partner leaves?" One of the remarkable things about I Need Your Love is the way Katie addresses every possible objection to merciless mental investigation, honest communication and living authentically in relationship. In one of the more radical passages, she says:
I can close my eyes and see my husband in the arms of a woman loving him, and I want that if it's what he wants, and I also see my life without him and how full that would be. I always have an abundance of love in my life. Everyone does. There is never a shortage and never too much.
Sometimes Katie asks us to do what seems unimaginable...for example, to picture how life might actually be better if our children died. "Be a traitor to misery," she says. "There's nothing macabre about this. The point is to break the grip of a fearful belief." We make pronouncements all the time about how we cannot go on...how we can't take anymore...and when we believe this, it becomes our reality. "Is that true?" Katie asks, inviting us to get very literal and realistic. "Are you still breathing?"
As for criticism, Katie says, it's a gift...and if it hurts, they're right. "What could anyone call me that I couldn't find at some time in my life?" she asks. "If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered."
However, Katie never condones staying in an unhappy or abusive union; she simply suggests ending it as a sane person. "Whether you stay in or leave a relationship, there are always two ways to do it," Katie writes. "One way is in peace, with love; the other is at war, with anger and blame." Which do you prefer?
Simply put, I Need Your Love—Is That True? is for people who don't follow The Rules, don't live on Mars or Venus and who prefer being themselves to using sales techniques for winning friends and influencing people. Katie's Work takes the drama and mystery out of living happily on a planet populated with apparent others; it results in a kinder, gentler way to exist, sans neediness and insecurity, deception-free. In the end, as the fabled monk discovered, mature and authentic relating is all about you, and that doesn't mean that your God or Goddess won't come. "When you have that sweet relationship with yourself," Katie tells us, "your partner is an added pleasure. It's over-the-top grace."
©2005 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
May 23, 2006
The Other Great Depression, and Why You Need to Deal with It
Depression on Wall Street (the mental kind) was featured recently on the front page of the Sunday Business section of the New York Times. The article cited a 2000 study which concluded that 23% of a small sampling of male brokers and traders at the top Wall Street brokerage firms admitted to suffering from clinical depression, in contrast to 7% of the national average. Keeping in mind that this is before the economy and the stock market took a major tumble, before 9-11, before all those investor arbitration cases and the revelations of corporate corruption on a grand scale came to light. It's not difficult to imagine that, in these uncertain times, the percentages could be way higher.
What has this got to do with you and your business? Plenty. Because change on Wall Street affects all business, including those of the entrepreneurial, small business owner and independent professional. The pressure that's on for them is on for us as well, and that can lead to symptoms of depression. And we all know what an unhappy workforce leads to: attrition, absenteeism. poor morale, poor productivity, escalating costs and reduced revenues.
If yours is a large company with an EAP program, help is there for those who reach out for it...and many, feeling ashamed or stigmatized by depression, will never reach out. If yours is a small concern without such resources. what can you do for your employees and for yourself?
1. Acknowledge that there are issues. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as Freud pointed out. Sometimes things simply are not going well. The economy may be "recovering" and at the same time, it isn't what it used to be. Our retirement accounts have lost a third of their worth on average, there is no such thing as job security, and many people continue to be out of work or are underemployed, earning minimum wage in a world where $6.00 will barely cover the cost of a take-out sandwich. Saying that everything's okay and that the dilligent will prosper isn't everyone's reality; we may as well face it and see what we can do here and now.
2. Let your people know that it is not a weakness to seek help but rather a strength, a path to improvement. Be approachable and available to employees and their issues, and cultivate an atmosphere of trust and support in your workplace. Everyone flies off the handle, grieves, feels overwhelmed at one time or another. Don't punish people for being human; help them to find the balance they need in order to do their jobs.
3. Become more self-aware through the process of self-inquiry. You may be having your own crippling thoughts about the future of your business and your career. You needn't allow your thoughts to run you ragged; meet them with some understanding question them. It's hard to be a mentor and set an example if you aren't walking the walk. We've all been waiting for just one open and available CEO to show the rest of us the way; are you the one?
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help yourself. To become an analyst, therapists must first undergo analysis. Most of the corporate coaches of my acquaintance also work with a coach. If business is really getting you down, you may want to enlist the help of a professional...and don't overlook the help that is always there, in the form of your workforce. If you can be upfront withyour people about your own needs, you'll convey that mindset to your employees...and they may extend you the same courtesy.
5. Finally, understand what depression is. It need not be a crippling disease. It's not something to be ashamed of, to hide or to stuff down. Depression is simply confusion, a temporary block on the road to the truth. When we work with our thoughts, our lives change...and changes in business cannot help but follow.
Here is the best book I've ever read about the nature of depression:
Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison by Dorothy Rowe
And here's the process that hsa helped me many thousands of others worldwide move past the roadblocks of depression:
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
***
A Taste of Transformational Inquiry in the Workplace
1. What are some stressful thoughts you are having about your business or your job in relation to the economy? Write them down. Don't be afraid of inviting "negativity"...if you have already entertained these thoughts, actually dealing with them won't make it worse and might make it a whole lot better.
Some examples of stressful workplace thoughts:
"I won't have enough money."
"We're going down the drain."
"Our workforce (our leadership, our sales team, etc.) is too weak."
"I mustn't let anyone know how I'm really feeling."
"If I express my concerns, I'll lose my position."
"Things will never get better."
2. Hold each of your beliefs against the four questions of self-inquiry:
*Is it true?
*Can you absolutely know that it's true?
*How do you react when you think that thought?
*Who would you be without this thought?
Then, turn the thought around. What is the opposite? Can this new statement be just as true, or truer? Provide evidence for this, at least three examples. For instance: the opposite of "I won't have enough money" is "I will have enough money." Three ways in which this could be just as true: 1. I cannot know the future. 2. I have enough money in this moment, and it could be that we need to trim expenses so that this continues to be true for me. 3. I can find new ways to generate revenue (list some ideas). Another example of a turnaround: "Our leadership is too weak." "I am too weak." How have I not stepped up to the plate, given my best effort, backed down, avoided, or been out of my integrity on the job? How have I not done what I want the C-suite to do?
3. Don't wait for a crisis. You can head off certain office problems at the pass by cultivating self-awareness in yourself and your employees. Arrange for a trained facilitator to visit your workplace and train your department, your team, your entire workforce (or even just you) in the fundamentals of Transformational Inquiry
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick.
What has this got to do with you and your business? Plenty. Because change on Wall Street affects all business, including those of the entrepreneurial, small business owner and independent professional. The pressure that's on for them is on for us as well, and that can lead to symptoms of depression. And we all know what an unhappy workforce leads to: attrition, absenteeism. poor morale, poor productivity, escalating costs and reduced revenues.
If yours is a large company with an EAP program, help is there for those who reach out for it...and many, feeling ashamed or stigmatized by depression, will never reach out. If yours is a small concern without such resources. what can you do for your employees and for yourself?
1. Acknowledge that there are issues. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as Freud pointed out. Sometimes things simply are not going well. The economy may be "recovering" and at the same time, it isn't what it used to be. Our retirement accounts have lost a third of their worth on average, there is no such thing as job security, and many people continue to be out of work or are underemployed, earning minimum wage in a world where $6.00 will barely cover the cost of a take-out sandwich. Saying that everything's okay and that the dilligent will prosper isn't everyone's reality; we may as well face it and see what we can do here and now.
2. Let your people know that it is not a weakness to seek help but rather a strength, a path to improvement. Be approachable and available to employees and their issues, and cultivate an atmosphere of trust and support in your workplace. Everyone flies off the handle, grieves, feels overwhelmed at one time or another. Don't punish people for being human; help them to find the balance they need in order to do their jobs.
3. Become more self-aware through the process of self-inquiry. You may be having your own crippling thoughts about the future of your business and your career. You needn't allow your thoughts to run you ragged; meet them with some understanding question them. It's hard to be a mentor and set an example if you aren't walking the walk. We've all been waiting for just one open and available CEO to show the rest of us the way; are you the one?
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help yourself. To become an analyst, therapists must first undergo analysis. Most of the corporate coaches of my acquaintance also work with a coach. If business is really getting you down, you may want to enlist the help of a professional...and don't overlook the help that is always there, in the form of your workforce. If you can be upfront withyour people about your own needs, you'll convey that mindset to your employees...and they may extend you the same courtesy.
5. Finally, understand what depression is. It need not be a crippling disease. It's not something to be ashamed of, to hide or to stuff down. Depression is simply confusion, a temporary block on the road to the truth. When we work with our thoughts, our lives change...and changes in business cannot help but follow.
Here is the best book I've ever read about the nature of depression:
Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison by Dorothy Rowe
And here's the process that hsa helped me many thousands of others worldwide move past the roadblocks of depression:
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
***
A Taste of Transformational Inquiry in the Workplace
1. What are some stressful thoughts you are having about your business or your job in relation to the economy? Write them down. Don't be afraid of inviting "negativity"...if you have already entertained these thoughts, actually dealing with them won't make it worse and might make it a whole lot better.
Some examples of stressful workplace thoughts:
"I won't have enough money."
"We're going down the drain."
"Our workforce (our leadership, our sales team, etc.) is too weak."
"I mustn't let anyone know how I'm really feeling."
"If I express my concerns, I'll lose my position."
"Things will never get better."
2. Hold each of your beliefs against the four questions of self-inquiry:
*Is it true?
*Can you absolutely know that it's true?
*How do you react when you think that thought?
*Who would you be without this thought?
Then, turn the thought around. What is the opposite? Can this new statement be just as true, or truer? Provide evidence for this, at least three examples. For instance: the opposite of "I won't have enough money" is "I will have enough money." Three ways in which this could be just as true: 1. I cannot know the future. 2. I have enough money in this moment, and it could be that we need to trim expenses so that this continues to be true for me. 3. I can find new ways to generate revenue (list some ideas). Another example of a turnaround: "Our leadership is too weak." "I am too weak." How have I not stepped up to the plate, given my best effort, backed down, avoided, or been out of my integrity on the job? How have I not done what I want the C-suite to do?
3. Don't wait for a crisis. You can head off certain office problems at the pass by cultivating self-awareness in yourself and your employees. Arrange for a trained facilitator to visit your workplace and train your department, your team, your entire workforce (or even just you) in the fundamentals of Transformational Inquiry
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick.
March 31, 2006
Authenticity Is the Killer App
As a hands-on type rather than a theorist, I don't study many books by business gurus. There is, however, one title on my business bookshelf that deeply speaks to me. It's called LOVE IS THE KILLER APP: How to Win Business and Influence Friends (Crown Business, 2002). The author, Tim Sanders, defines "biz love" as the sharing of your knowledge, your networks and -- this is not a typo -- your compassion, in order to promote growth in others.
How is love good for business? In his book, Sanders talks about the importance of social contracts in a business setting (we none of us work in a vacuum, after all) and how these contracts -- empathetic relationships -- create value. When you create this value, you become one of those people (Sanders calls them "lovecats") to whom others turn as someone with great insights, generosity and as a source of good information.
Sanders says that we have a choice; to see others in terms of fear-based boundaries, or as partners. And for this partnership to flourish, personal authenticity is essential.
We have seen in recent years how the barracuda mentality has been the downfall of many a business. Greed, pyramid schemes, arrogant disregard for the law: clearly the old eat-or-be-eaten business paradigms are no longer working...especially since, in our information age, you can't hide the truth for long.
However, most of us are experts at hiding our own truth from ourselves, because we haven't known how not to. We experience stressful relationships with clients, coworkers, authority figures, subordinates, the competition and most especially our own fearful thoughts about work because we have not questioned the contents of our minds. We believe what we think.
What is at the core of your business's operational decisions? "Making money" would be the answer for most of us. That's the easy answer. What's behind that? "Must beat the competition." "Profits over people." "If we don't ________, we won't survive."
How does this translate to social contracts? "He'll get business we should have gotten." "She's not pulling her weight." "He doesn't know how to set priorities." "They're taking advantage of me." No love here; lots of stress though. And there's stress because these are stories: horror stories. Stories with no proof. Stories about a nonexistent future based on theories about "proof" from the past.
What's the "I" thought under these business decisions? "I need more money." "I need this job." "If this doesn't work out, I won't have _____, I'll lose ______, I'll have to _______." Can you really know that these thoughts are true? How do you live your life -- and run your business -- when you act our of fear rather than out of love?
Sanders does not address self-love in his book, and that's something a lot of us don't address. We innocently act out of the need for self-preservation, and this precludes the authenticity necessary for those good social contracts at work to flourish. For me, the most loving act I can do is to question my stressful thoughts, in life and in work. I notice I'm more "there" for people -- and saner about my business -- when I do. Authenticity begins at home. So does love. And then that love is free to express itself everywhere.
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
*******************
Authenticity and "Biz Love"
Here are some common fears about being authentic in business...about being open, empathetic, boundariless...about embracing "biz love" in the workplace:
We'll be ridiculed.
We'll be taken advantage of.
We won't be respected.
We won't be "winners."
We'll "give away the store."
You can't run a business on trust.
Our kindness won't be reciprocated and that means...
What are your beliefs about "biz love?" What is the worst that could happen if you shared what you know...if you shared your contacts...if you allowed yourself to love your competitors? (Jealousy, it is said, is the conjoined twin of love.)
"There is war in the business world." Turned around: "There is war in my world." Where are you a barracuda in business? How has it served? What do you have now that you believe you would not have if you became a "lovecat?"
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
For more about Carol and working with the process of The Work of Byron Katie, visit Clear Life Solutions.
How is love good for business? In his book, Sanders talks about the importance of social contracts in a business setting (we none of us work in a vacuum, after all) and how these contracts -- empathetic relationships -- create value. When you create this value, you become one of those people (Sanders calls them "lovecats") to whom others turn as someone with great insights, generosity and as a source of good information.
Sanders says that we have a choice; to see others in terms of fear-based boundaries, or as partners. And for this partnership to flourish, personal authenticity is essential.
We have seen in recent years how the barracuda mentality has been the downfall of many a business. Greed, pyramid schemes, arrogant disregard for the law: clearly the old eat-or-be-eaten business paradigms are no longer working...especially since, in our information age, you can't hide the truth for long.
However, most of us are experts at hiding our own truth from ourselves, because we haven't known how not to. We experience stressful relationships with clients, coworkers, authority figures, subordinates, the competition and most especially our own fearful thoughts about work because we have not questioned the contents of our minds. We believe what we think.
What is at the core of your business's operational decisions? "Making money" would be the answer for most of us. That's the easy answer. What's behind that? "Must beat the competition." "Profits over people." "If we don't ________, we won't survive."
How does this translate to social contracts? "He'll get business we should have gotten." "She's not pulling her weight." "He doesn't know how to set priorities." "They're taking advantage of me." No love here; lots of stress though. And there's stress because these are stories: horror stories. Stories with no proof. Stories about a nonexistent future based on theories about "proof" from the past.
What's the "I" thought under these business decisions? "I need more money." "I need this job." "If this doesn't work out, I won't have _____, I'll lose ______, I'll have to _______." Can you really know that these thoughts are true? How do you live your life -- and run your business -- when you act our of fear rather than out of love?
Sanders does not address self-love in his book, and that's something a lot of us don't address. We innocently act out of the need for self-preservation, and this precludes the authenticity necessary for those good social contracts at work to flourish. For me, the most loving act I can do is to question my stressful thoughts, in life and in work. I notice I'm more "there" for people -- and saner about my business -- when I do. Authenticity begins at home. So does love. And then that love is free to express itself everywhere.
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
*******************
Authenticity and "Biz Love"
Here are some common fears about being authentic in business...about being open, empathetic, boundariless...about embracing "biz love" in the workplace:
We'll be ridiculed.
We'll be taken advantage of.
We won't be respected.
We won't be "winners."
We'll "give away the store."
You can't run a business on trust.
Our kindness won't be reciprocated and that means...
What are your beliefs about "biz love?" What is the worst that could happen if you shared what you know...if you shared your contacts...if you allowed yourself to love your competitors? (Jealousy, it is said, is the conjoined twin of love.)
"There is war in the business world." Turned around: "There is war in my world." Where are you a barracuda in business? How has it served? What do you have now that you believe you would not have if you became a "lovecat?"
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
For more about Carol and working with the process of The Work of Byron Katie, visit Clear Life Solutions.
March 27, 2006
What We Really Want from Coaching
If you have been in business for some time, chances are good that you have worked with a business or personal coach or know someone who has. Many people hire a coach to help them get what they want: More money. More work-life balance. The competitive edge. The job of their dreams. A healthier body.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
Others turn to coaching because they are not sure of what they really want. They think they should want to be a success in business but they notice they're not motivated...or they think they have a book in them but they don't know how to get it on paper. (That's me!)
What do coaches provide? Pretty much what an athletic coach does: they are there to help you clarify your goals and galvanize your talents so that you can "win."
However, having too many expectations of the coaching experience can send both client and coach down a very windy road. Awhile back, I joined "the world's premiere coaching organization" hoping to pick up some pointers. What I received was a lesson in overwhelm. The organization's website, its many newsletters and many, many teleseminars and self-study eCourse offerings provide information about business-building, skills enhancement, training and certification, even coach-themed greeting cards. (Oh yeah, and some tips for working with clients too.) Then there are the seminars and study groups, covering everything from how to balance your life and work to how to live a raw foods lifestyle. One could spend a lifetime (and several bank accounts) navigating this site and its hundreds of coaching niche experts.
On the other hand, my very positive experience with a wonderful coach went something like this: she first probed me with thoughtful, pointed questions about my skills, interests and desires. Once goals were established, she suggested some strategies to help me implement the changes I wanted. She was also "on call" while I found my way, acting as my sounding board and my champion. This helped me get moving on my writing and my facilitation practice, as well as to let go of other projects that weren't serving me.
Some coaches will hold the client accountable, point out blind spots and resistances, and push the client to move through them. My coach uses The Work of Byron Katie as one of her coaching tools. She knows that one of the best ways to empower an individual is to gently guide them to their own truhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifth so that they can be accountable to themselves, recognize their own "gremlins," and let themselves be guided instead of pushed. (If this sounds attractive, check her out: Melanie Keveles, )
What is it that we truly seek from coaching? I suspect if we went deeply enough, we'd all come up with the same answer: freedom. What imprisons us are our concepts of what freedom is and how we're going to get it. We have believed that freedom is going to result from having the material success, the free time, the great business partner, the perfect life partner, the buff bod, the world's cooperation.
Is that true?
Let's say we want more money. So we get it. Are we fulfilled now? After all, there's always more money to get.
And if we lose the money, then what? Perhaps we realize at some point that money isn't everything. Now we go all out to "make a difference" and get love, approval, and appreciation from our peers. We've been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, or won a humanitarian award. The thrill of that lasts for about five minutes.
So now we write a book, it gets published, it makes the bestseller list, we give seminars on it, we're not making big bucks but we're busy. And we're not quite completely fulfilled yet.
So what's next? Pilates. New spouse. Adopt an entire orphanage. New business venture with exciting, energetic, rich backers. These are all wonderful things to do. And do you notice how it never ends? That's because we have defined "freedom" as "having enough of something."
What if the opposite were true? What if freedom from our thoughts about what we want and need were the true freedom? That's the realization that honest inquiry brings to the freedom-seeker; something that consulting, rah-rah and self improvement regimens alone can never provide.
This doesn't mean we will stagnate or that we won't have what we want. But we may go about getting what we want without all the "shoulds," all the stress, all the drama.
Isn't this is what we really want from coaching?
© 2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
January 5, 2006
Grief Isn't Love
Sometimes when I set out to self-facilitate a session of transformational inquiry (download the "Judge-Your-Neighbor" worksheet at thework.com), it's because I'm feeling stressed in the moment about a specific situation or person. At other times it just comes to me to work on something that isn't in my face at the moment...a ghost of an old story that seems to be lingering in ways I'm not entirely clear about.
I'm preparing to move from New York to California and in an attempt to lighten my load, I've been sorting and tossing through many years' accumulation of belongings. Just before the new year, while going through some old notebooks, I came across a page of thoughts about my maternal grandfather, who died when I was 10. I loved him very much and his passing was difficult for me. I think about family often during holiday times and it seemed appropriate to do The Work on this beloved one during this time of new beginnings and intentions of peace.
My grandfather and I were very close. I was his youngest grandchild and he seemed to favor me. When my grandfather -- whom I called Zayde -- suffered a stroke, our extended family life changed radically because he was very much the glue that held us together. Photographs of my grandparents' 50th anniversary party portray stoic or resigned adults and the subdued, sad little faces of my eight-year-old self and my not-much-older cousins. There is nothing celebratory about those pictures.
When Zayde died two years later, my parents were having problems with each other while also in the middle of moving to a new home; they weren't answering most of my letters from summer camp and they didn't let me know my grandfather had passed. By the time they came on Visiting Day and told me, the funeral had already happened. I was furious with them and from that time onward I shut down to them. My belief for many years was, "There's no one left to love me." (Many of our most punitive thoughts take hold when we are very young.)
I wrote about Zayde: that I was sad and angry with him because he left me alone and unloved. For so many years I had not been aware of that anger, which I directed towards my parents and myself instead. I went back to the place of being 10 and saw what I did to myself for 37 years, holding this belief as the truth...how I lived a life out of loss and depression and believed it would be that way forever.
One of the insights I received from working on this belief came from the turnaround, "There's no one left to love him." From this I see that grief is not the least bit loving. It blinded me to what was wonderful and beautiful about my grandfather, even after the stroke when he was weakened and seemed not to recognize his grandchildren, couldn't speak, couldn't move much without help and often wept.
What I'm remembering now about that time is that he allowed people to help him, that he was vulnerable and could express his feelings in tears (he used to shout before!), that he could still read the Yiddish newspaper (not the English one though) and that he and my grandmother did celebrate 50 years of marriage in spite of none of us feeling festive.
I remember how he gentled into his age and condition, not fighting it. Wizened in size, he sat in a chair in the living room with sheets wrapped around him and under him, a pillow propping his back. Thinking back, he was quiet and smiley and small and skinny, a Jewish Gandhi. If I hadn't been so self-centered it might have been very sweet to be in his company that way. He and I had never conversed much to begin with -- he had a thick accent and I didn't understand a word he said! I used to sit in his lap and he'd stroke my hair. If I'd known better, after his stroke I could have held him instead of recoiling from kissing the paralyzed side of his face.
I used to believe that if I didn't grieve it meant I didn't care, that I was a cold person...so I became very good at grieving. I have excelled in mourning failed relationships and missed opportunities. That doesn't feel like love to me.
Grief isn't love. At long last and at the perfect time, it is good to know this.
© 2005 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
I'm preparing to move from New York to California and in an attempt to lighten my load, I've been sorting and tossing through many years' accumulation of belongings. Just before the new year, while going through some old notebooks, I came across a page of thoughts about my maternal grandfather, who died when I was 10. I loved him very much and his passing was difficult for me. I think about family often during holiday times and it seemed appropriate to do The Work on this beloved one during this time of new beginnings and intentions of peace.
My grandfather and I were very close. I was his youngest grandchild and he seemed to favor me. When my grandfather -- whom I called Zayde -- suffered a stroke, our extended family life changed radically because he was very much the glue that held us together. Photographs of my grandparents' 50th anniversary party portray stoic or resigned adults and the subdued, sad little faces of my eight-year-old self and my not-much-older cousins. There is nothing celebratory about those pictures.
When Zayde died two years later, my parents were having problems with each other while also in the middle of moving to a new home; they weren't answering most of my letters from summer camp and they didn't let me know my grandfather had passed. By the time they came on Visiting Day and told me, the funeral had already happened. I was furious with them and from that time onward I shut down to them. My belief for many years was, "There's no one left to love me." (Many of our most punitive thoughts take hold when we are very young.)
I wrote about Zayde: that I was sad and angry with him because he left me alone and unloved. For so many years I had not been aware of that anger, which I directed towards my parents and myself instead. I went back to the place of being 10 and saw what I did to myself for 37 years, holding this belief as the truth...how I lived a life out of loss and depression and believed it would be that way forever.
One of the insights I received from working on this belief came from the turnaround, "There's no one left to love him." From this I see that grief is not the least bit loving. It blinded me to what was wonderful and beautiful about my grandfather, even after the stroke when he was weakened and seemed not to recognize his grandchildren, couldn't speak, couldn't move much without help and often wept.
What I'm remembering now about that time is that he allowed people to help him, that he was vulnerable and could express his feelings in tears (he used to shout before!), that he could still read the Yiddish newspaper (not the English one though) and that he and my grandmother did celebrate 50 years of marriage in spite of none of us feeling festive.
I remember how he gentled into his age and condition, not fighting it. Wizened in size, he sat in a chair in the living room with sheets wrapped around him and under him, a pillow propping his back. Thinking back, he was quiet and smiley and small and skinny, a Jewish Gandhi. If I hadn't been so self-centered it might have been very sweet to be in his company that way. He and I had never conversed much to begin with -- he had a thick accent and I didn't understand a word he said! I used to sit in his lap and he'd stroke my hair. If I'd known better, after his stroke I could have held him instead of recoiling from kissing the paralyzed side of his face.
I used to believe that if I didn't grieve it meant I didn't care, that I was a cold person...so I became very good at grieving. I have excelled in mourning failed relationships and missed opportunities. That doesn't feel like love to me.
Grief isn't love. At long last and at the perfect time, it is good to know this.
© 2005 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
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