That Jerk at Work

Harassment, intimidation, credit-stealing, sabotage...
Here's how to handle workplace jerks with inquiry rather than reactivity.

Years ago, several of my co-workers and I were bullied out of our jobs in a departmental reorganization. Rather than being upfront about the need for change and easing us out, our supervisors badmouthed us to the higher-ups...excluded us from meetings and projects...withheld information that was essential for us to do our jobs...then blamed us for not doing those jobs. We were subjected to sudden, unscheduled, very negative performance reviews. I saw people who had formerly supported me watch helplessly or withdraw from contact for fear of losing their jobs. In one particularly unsavory incident, my boss's boss called me into his office on my birthday—which was also the day before I was leaving for two weeks' vacation—to tell me that he was putting me on a month's probation. Bon voyage!

After ten years of stellar performance reviews, promotions and substantial raises in salary, I didn't see this coming. Neither did my colleagues. Most of us who were let go in that purge didn't stay in the business. One had cancer, another had AIDS; though they were able to work, the intimidation took its toll on them and they quickly went on disability before they could be fired. Others burned their bridges and went on to entirely different fields.

I reacted to the incidents with extreme hurt, anger, immaturity and victim mentality. I went to HR with a chip on my shoulder. I gossiped in and out of the company, seeking to save my reputation while smearing that of my supervisors. I fought—I mean really, really fought—for a severance package, exhausted myself in doing so, and never really appreciated what I received, which was considerable. After leaving the company, I went freelance, vowing never to work in a corporate setting again...which wasn't a peaceful stance, seeing as I dealt exclusively with corporations for the next ten years. While I told myself it was a blessing in disguise to leave the company I'd grown up with, I didn't believe it; it took years to get over the hurt, resentment and insecurity I felt. I said I was sprung from prison, but I was enslaved by traumatic thoughts and memories.

Today, my experience would be recognized as workplace bullying: repeated actions of aggression or intentional intimidation aimed at a co-worker, employee or group of employees. Bullying can look like public humiliation, blame, lies, swearing, shouting, practical jokes, exclusion, excessive monitoring, unwarranted criticism, provocation, or biased remarks or treatment based on race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, age or appearance. It can happen between a supervisor and a direct report...between individuals or by one or more individuals towards a group. Workplace bullying can be so deeply entrenched as to be part of an organization's corporate culture. Incredibly, in most cases other than overt physical, sexual or discriminatory harassment, it isn't even illegal. While some companies have a zero-tolerance policy towards workplace jerks, it can be difficult to document and prove that someone's behavior, no matter how obnoxious, impedes upon another's health or safety.

There are many practical steps you can and should take to protect yourself from workplace bullies; I won't go into this, as that information is widely available elsewhere. In the meantime, if you are suffering due to the behavior of a jerk (or jerks) at work...whether or not you take legal action, try to resolve the problem directly with the bully, or leave...you owe it to yourself to meet your stressful thoughts with understanding so that you can take care of yourself and respond in the most appropriate, effective way for you, remaining objective and sane without invalidating what is happening.

Typical Thinking Traps and How to Spring Them

How do you respond to bullies? Do you hate them? Fear them? Are you aggressive right back? Defensive? Do you seek revenge, overtly or covertly? Do you feel defeated? Invaded? Do you doubt yourself? Punish yourself? Complain to others? Rally the troops? Do you tell yourself it's not happening, or that it is happening but there's nothing you can do about it? (I did all of these things.) None of these are "bad" reactions; they're understandable. Just notice how it feels when you react in this way.

If you are ready to discover your own truth and take back your life, I recommend filling out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (available at TheWork.com) on the bully. Be as petty and judgmental as possible; get your "ya-yas" out. You won't get far having a tantrum at the office, but you can safely have one on paper.

As you do The Work on the workplace jerk, notice and write down any underlying beliefs, such as, "He crossed a boundary," "I want her to suffer," "I am powerless," "I'm not good enough to keep this job." Hold these underlying beliefs up against the four questions and turnaround of The Work; they are the core beliefs that, unquestioned, may leave you vulnerable to further bullying. Notice if there are any patterns in your life and your relationships beyond the workplace that seem similar: "My mother crossed a boundary." "I want my husband to suffer." "I am powerless over my situation.""I'm not good enough to be a father."

Imagine yourself in the presence of the bully without your stressful beliefs. Notice their behavior. Notice how it feels not to take it personally. Notice how you go about doing your job (or updating your resume) from this place of clarity. Notice how you keep a factual diary of incidents to submit to your boss, or discuss the bullying with the HR department, or talk to the bully alone, or hand in your resignation, without perpetrating more violence on anyone...especially yourself.

Imagine seeing the workplace bully for the first time, without your story. Look into her eyes. Look at his face. Hear his words as he takes credit for your ideas. See her face as she delivers the unfair performance review. Notice the sexist, racist, homophobic remark. Knowing that they cannot ultimately touch who you know yourself to be, what do you see and hear? How do you treat them?

Turn the thought around. Have you ever been an intimidating, offensive, unreasonable, fire-stealing jerk? Given what you knew and what you were struggling with in your life, were you doing the best you could at the time? Could it be that the bully is doing her best as well? In seeing this, even just one per cent--in opening your heart and mind just a tiny crack--you might realize that you have never been destroyed by another human being. Of course, you don't condone the behavior of the workplace bully; but perhaps you won't carry him around inside of you wherever you end up next, whether it's down the hall, down the road, or light-years away.


©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Time for What?

Redefining Success

Do you worry about money, even when you have enough?

Are your personal values reflected in your business and financial values?

Do your relationships and regard for customers, clients, staff, colleagues, competitors and shareholders differ vastly from those with your friends and family?

Do you measure your success in terms of quantifiable attributes, be they wealth, fame, position, or material goods?

Are you aggressively competitive?

In my article, The Success Mess, I discussed the stress inherent in the quest for "success," as well as how to be present to the successes we all of us already enjoy.

Did you know that the first dictionary definition of success doesn't have anything to do with wealth or position? It's "the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors." So first of all, it's an end, it's over, you're done. (And, by the way, "prosperous" can mean wealthy, but it can also mean favorable, lucky, or auspicious.

So here's where we get into trouble: when we fail to feel complete and replete with our success. We always want more, more, more...and we're not okay with change (as in, recession and stock market corrections). Success is about termination (we did good!), but we want auspiciousness to last...and to increase. "Now" isn't good enough. What about tomorrow? What about ten years from now? What about retirement? What about legacy?

So think about your definition of success and see if it feels peaceful to you...especially if you are materially successful. Why do you pursue more? Are you afraid of the future? Do you feel lack in other areas of your life?

Consider this quote:

"Corporate success is no longer compromised by humility, surrender, and forgiveness. In today's business arena, success is now contingent on them." --Peter Amato

Why would that be? I posit that the drive to succeed, according to our definition of success, is a misguided search for wholeness. We think that financial security or abundance (meaning, having more than we need, since we always have exactly enough in the moment)--or owning nice things, expensive clothes, a big house, fancy cars, or being a stud with a hot sex partner, or being the most beautiful woman in town, or being revered or famous--will complete us. If we look outside ourselves for completion, we can never be complete.

If success is a favorable termination, can money ever be the end? We spend it, it's taxed, it gets stolen, the stock market does its thing, banks fail, emergencies arise that require more money.

Has power over others ever completed you?

Have you cleaned up your relationships yet, owned your part in conflicts and misunderstandings, made amends? Can any amount of "success" fill the emptiness left by separation from others?

Have you forgiven people for their mistakes? Have you forgiven yourself?

Here's how to redefine success: do The Work. Inquire into the thoughts that cause resentment and fear towards parent, sibling, child, partner, friend, pet, government, religion, sex, health, looks, career, public image and of course, money.

The success we are looking for is the end of suffering. It's what we want money, power, other people and things to give to us, and those "successes" can only be temporary and may not always be within our reach. Peace, however, is always available...and that's the favorable termination, the last story.

©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

The Success Mess

Questioning the beliefs that hold me back has been key to all of the successes in my life, and not just in my business. Increased clientele and cash flow is just one aspect of success, and I've discovered that it's not the most important one. In the end, money alone can't guarantee happiness. Happiness to me is waking up in the morning excited about whatever lies ahead, knowing I'm in my integrity and progressing at exactly the right pace.

There was a time when I was earning six figures and felt like a failure. I would think thoughts like, "I'm not doing enough," "I should be further along than I am," "The future isn't secure," and "Advertising is dishonest." (Most inconvenient, that last one, as I was a direct-response copywriter.)

There are many coaching and self-help techniques that rely on positive visualization, affirmations, and "gremlin-slaying." There is a lot of emphasis on "just say no to negativity," and no attempt to understand where the negativity came from. I used these techniques for years without much movement; my material successes seemed to come and go, no thanks to how I attempted to dictate a life that fit my definition of successful. I also couldn't drop my self-limiting beliefs by trying to substitute them with "positive" ones.

With The Work of Byron Katie--a transformative process of inquiry that I have facilitated professionally since 2002--we don't worry about dissolving self-limiting beliefs; instead we identify and meet these beliefs with understanding. We enter the process, not to change anything (although change may indeed occur, and often swiftly), but to discover what's true for us.

As it turns out, self-limiting beliefs are lies. Stressful thoughts "quit" us when the mind calls its own bluff.

What we may not realize is how some "positive" beliefs are also stressful. Seeing yourself surrounded by riches is just "woman or man surrounded by riches." It's what we think having money and possessions and fame means, not the money, possessions and fame themselves, that turn us on...until they don't.

"I see myself driving an expensive car, living in a dessigner home, turning down speaking engagements, the author of six bestselling books, helping millions of people, traveling the world, always staying at the Ritz-Carlton club floor, with more money in the bank than I know what to do with, and beating Bill Gates at philanthropy." Sounds great, I'm not knocking it...and, can you know that this is what success looks like? Can you know that your life, as it is now, is not what success looks like?

Let's say you have openings in your schedule, and bills to pay. You do not have a car and driver. You haven't been written up in Forbes. You like the big house next door to yours better than your rented room. "I'm not a success now." Is that true? "I will be successful when I have those things." Can you really know that?

In visualizing yourself in the so-called successful life, are you living and working fully in the life you have now? Do you love your life or is it just a piece of driftwood to take you to the next "better" and "more successful" life?

I invite you to make a list of ten ways that you are a success, a huge success. If it's difficult to identify any successes, start with the simplest things: "I got out of bed today." "I didn't skip breakfast." "I was suicidal and didn't kill myself after all." "I took a walk in the sunshine." Keep going: "I raised my wonderful son all by myself." "I lost 10 pounds and kept it off." "I kept my last job for a whole six months." And keep going. "I helped children learn how to read in an after-school program." "My picture was in the paper." "I didn't beat myself up today." "I met my deadline for the project." "After three years, I took myself to the dentist and committed to treatment until my teeth are all fixed." "I was scared to be alone but I left my marriage." "I was scared to commit, but I worked through my fears and got married." "It was really hard to do it, but I stayed in my integrity and said no." "I said yes to something everyone said was too risky." "I built my business from the ground up." "I rebuilt my business after it failed." "I stopped beating a dead horse and got out of my old line of work." "I got a new client this week" "My one and only client all month was very happy with my work and will give me a good recommendation."

When we apply the simple process of inquiry to thoughts around success, breakthrough results occur naturally. A questioned mind is always more creative, more efficient, more appreciative of what is; there is no limit to the success it enjoys.

©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.

Ask a Facilitator: "My Client Should Have Paid Me!"

Q: I just had a massage client stiff me; after the massage, he said he had to go get his wallet from his car down the road, then he just took off. Can I absolutely know he "should" have paid me? Obviously, yes! How can I do The Work on this situation?

A: It's true that he stiffed you. Can you absolutely know that he should have paid you, when in fact he didn't? Yes or no are acceptable answers.

If you say "yes," you would still answer question 3, "How do you react when you believe this thought?" and continue with the inquiry. This isn't about changing reality, but about meeting it with understanding... self-understanding. How do you treat yourself when you believe this thought? Are you beating yourself for not getting his contact information before working on him, or for not asking for payment upfront? Does the self-beating lead to any self-destructive habits, like overeating, or over-spending? How do you treat other clients when you think that he should have paid you, and he didn't? Are you mistrustful of them? And how do you treat the client who stiffed you in your mind? Are the thoughts violent? Do you want revenge?

Just notice how believing the thought "he should have paid me" disturbs your peace. That's because it completely opposes the truth.

Who would you be without this thought? How would you run your business from this moment forward? How would you treat yourself differently if you didn't hold this belief?

Turn the thought around: "He shouldn't have paid me." He shouldn't have because that's the reality of it. How might this incident actually be for your highest good?

You might find that you actually answer "no" to question 2, "Can you absolutely know it's true he should have paid you?" Here's why: "He didn't pay me" is what's true, it's what is. That doesn't mean you will be a doormat, but it could mean that you are saner, less reactive, about what happened, and this might be helpful when it comes to dealing with clients in the future.

A story: years ago when I was a copywriter, I did a direct marketing mailing for a company that neglected to pay me for my work. I was new to freelancing, I didn't have The Work then, and this situation just about tore me apart. My fee, which I had already discounted a lot, was $700 for the project. After a lot of phone calls and letters, the company paid me less than half of that amount. Soon afterwards, they shut down their office and left no forwarding address or phone. The amount they owed me was too small to make it worthwhile to hire an attorney, of course; so I had no choice but to cut my losses and move on.

I'd spent months trying to get that money, and I was furious! My anger, worry, and the injustice of it all consumed most of my waking moments, as I recall. This made it really hard to be present for finding new business!

With inquiry, in the same situation, I might have chalked this up to a learning experience. Without clinging to the belief that the client should pay when clearly they weren't going to, perhaps I would have changed my policies and decided to ask new clients to pay in full, upfront, for jobs billing over a certain amount. At the time, this never occurred to me; I was too busy being right...and a victim. Guess what? I got stiffed again by an art director who subcontracted a job to me during my last year in business, also at an amount that was well below my traditional fees. In the end, she claimed she didn't get her full fee from her client, so she couldn't pay me. I fumed about that one for quite awhile too.

The belief statement, "He should have paid me" turned around to "I" becomes "I should have paid myself." This is also a story of the past, since I didn't—but I can do so from this moment forward...by having payment policies that work for me, by not getting derailed when a business agreement falls apart, and by charging rates that are more comfortable for me to begin with.

Solutions arise out of a clear mind; a confused mind spends a lot of time and energy resenting what was, rather than living in and loving what is. Clients should pay what they owe me? Sure, in a world where everything is fair and everyone obeys the rules. Sometimes we don't live in that world. If that hurts, and it serves you to do so, I invite you to do inquire into this believe. In doing so, you are not letting the client off the hook for that money; he's not hooked at all. Rather, do it so that you can let yourself off the hook. Remaining hooked to "he should" is hopeless; it won't change things, and it's not serving you unless your main interest is in being right.


©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.