Q: I have been feeling depressed for some time now, and the fear of fear, anxiety and depression has come up for me. As I question thoughts like "I shouldn't be anxious," "I shouldn't be fearful," or "People shouldn't be fearful," I find it hard to find any turnarounds that are meaningful, and The Work doesn't seem to help here. Do you have any suggestions?
A: "Shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" can be tricky to turn around because sometimes we're approaching them with a motive to feel better or to talk ourselves into our out of something. When we do The Work with that kind of agenda, the turnarounds don't convince us; you may as well do affirmations and save yourself the trouble of The Work. (Just kidding.)
So let's start from the beginning, before the turnarounds, because that's where the majority of self-revelations appear; in your answers to the four questions. Without this, your turnarounds can never be meaningful. Turnarounds expand upon the self-awareness you have developed through the education of the four questions; I find they are not particularly useful in and of themselves.
How do you react, how do you live your life, when you believe thoughts like "I shouldn't be fearful," and the reality is, you are fearful? Isn't it something like compounding pain with suffering, plus interest? Does believing the thought "I shouldn't be fearful" lessen your fear, or result in more depression? I've noticed the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" in my life result in self-flagellation, which is depressing.
Next, imagine how you would treat yourself differently if you didn't believe the thought, "I shouldn't be fearful." With more compassion perhaps? What else? I don't want to feed you the answers, because my answers can't be meaningful to you. Sit as in meditation and find your own.
Once you have done this, you are ready for the turnarounds, the opposites, the alternatives to what you have been believing.
"I shouldn't be fearful," turned around to the opposite is, "I should be fearful." That's what is; you should be fearful when you are. How can it be otherwise? It does no good to try and change it. You feel the way you feel. I would honor that.
To find specific examples of how you should be fearful, when indeed you are, takes a lot of willingness and an open mind. And this is not to cancel out your original statement; it's simply to see what other options you have, to expand your awareness. For instance, I can find "I should be fearful when I'm believing (uninvestigated) frightening thoughts, such as 'I'm not going to be okay.'" I would have to be fearful if I believe in terrible outcomes. "I should be fearful" because I haven't yet learned how not to be; my fearfulness may have been a survival mechanism in the past.
The longer you sit with "tough" turnarounds, the more examples of opposites you'll find. Some turnarounds will feel truer than others. Freedom lies in being able to recognize that nothing is 100% black or white...that there are always alternatives to believing or attaching to stressful thoughts in what I like to call the parallel universe of peace.
©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
SOUL SURGERY: exercises in inquiry with Carol L. Skolnick, Coach/Facilitator ClearLifeSolutions.com
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
September 3, 2009
February 19, 2009
An Interview about Using The Work with Depression
I was recently interviewed by blogger Jessica Alvarez Fernandez for her Live On Purpose newsletter, which has a wealth of information for people interested in becoming aware of thought patterns that cause stress, anger, depression and fear. The text of the interview, below, is now also posted at Jessica's website, Live On Purpose.
Jessica: What types of reactions/releases do you see from depressed people after they go through The Work?
Carol: Well, I'm one of those people, so I'll speak from my own experience. I received the diagnosis of clinical depression in my early 20s and I remember being depressed since early childhood. It didn't ever take much to send me into a spiral of hopelessness, disappointment, extreme sadness, resentment, self-hatred...and in adulthood, I had tried a lot of different things: therapies, meditation techniques, antidepressants, supplements, exercise, diet. All helped to some degree but never got at the source of what was troubling me. I tried to escape into food, relationships, spiritual woowoo. Shortly after I began doing The Work, a weight lifted from me and I began to experience the inner peace I'd been searching for all of my life and it wasn't fleeting; it continued, and continues, to deepen. I can tell you that the people in my life are very happy that I do this work; I think the acid test is that members of my family, who have no interest in The Work, sometimes ask me if I would please talk to Cousin So-and-so.
I've seen similar reactions in my clients and in people I know who have attended the School for The Work. They arrive because they've tried so many things and they don't know what to do any more; they exit transformed, sometimes unrecognizable. Where once they refused to let anything in, they become receptive, open listeners. They stop beating themselves. They forgive themselves and others. They don't get derailed when they don't get their way.
Byron Katie says, "All sadness is a minor tantrum." You know what happens when a child doesn't get what they want: they throw a tantrum. If a child learned that this brought about the desired results, he or she would throw one at every opportunity. What happens more often is that eventually, the child stops crying and screaming and gets up off the floor. Similarly, we may throw tantrums in our adult lives because we believe if we yell loudly enough, God or the Universe or our loved ones will hear us and things will change. With The Work, we come to see that tantrums only lead to more tantrums, and how exhausting and fruitless that has been...but only for our entire lives!
Depression for me is believing depressing thoughts; we can't stop those from arising, but we can meet them with understanding. Anyone, no matter how depressed, can answer questions, which is what The Work is: inquiry. It takes a little willingness, and sometimes when we're very depressed we don't have the willingness; we "know" we're right and that everything is terrible and always will be! The point is not to force yourself to do The Work but to do it when there is an opening and a desire for freedom from the bondage of depressing thoughts. Pretty soon I found that I very much wanted to do it; the willingness to consider I might be mistaken about what I thought I knew for sure, the willingness to try on different points of view increased with time and practice. The more willing I am, the happier I become. I don't relate to the label "depressive" anymore.
Jessica: What is the root of depression and how do we address it?
Carol: I'm not a brain scientist, doctor or therapist, so what I talk about here is in the realm of ideas. I encourage anyone who feels hopeless or suicidal to seek treatment with a licensed professional...and it if serves, do The Work in addition as it will dovetail with any treatment. That's how I addressed my depression; I didn't leave therapy. After just a year of doing The Work, my therapist of many, many years deemed it time for me to quit. That was in 2002 and I haven't felt the need to go back; I would if I needed to.
I work with people who are in therapy and take medications and who do The Work as well, with their doctors' blessings. They tell me it enhances their treatment, and why wouldn't it? With The Work, we do a kind of meditation where we sit with the thoughts rather than trying to override or change them. Putting the thoughts down in writing serves to stop a troubled mind long enough for some clarity to seep in. The questions keep the mind disciplined and focused in much the way repeating a mantra does. I like to say The Work is meditation for people who are too "mental" to meditate in the traditional way.
In my life, arguing with reality shows up as depression and I have done plenty of that! I had a challenging childhood to say the least, along with some depressing situations throughout my life, including a mentally ill parent, several career setbacks and an interesting immune system. I was also told that my depression was biological in nature, whatever that means, that it was hereditary and that I'd be living with it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, I'm wondering where it went, as I still have the same body and brain!
There may be different physical predispositions to depression: hormonal or physical changes, having a certain kind of brain chemistry where the neurotransmitters aren't doing what they're meant to do, a family history of depression. I don't know much about how that works, but I do know we can't do anything about those things with inquiry—the body is what it is. However, we can perhaps run a better software program than the one we've been running in the hardware we can't change. And the latter may not be true, by the way, as studies in neuroplasticity are showing us that biology isn't destiny and the brain is more changeable than we knew previously.
As for situational depression that seems to become hardwired over time: of course we can't take away a traumatic childhood, but we can look at that childhood in less traumatic ways. We can't stop depressing thoughts from coming in, but what we can do is say: "This is what happened, or this is what is happening, and what can I do now given the situation?" We can look at the thoughts that depress us the most, such as "The world isn't safe" or "I never get what I need" or "Nobody loves me" and see if they are 100% true for us. We can examine how we live our lives, not from reality, but out of belief. With awareness comes the possibility for change.
Whether or not if I start out convinced that a thought is true, I'm not out to change my mind when I question my beliefs; I'm developing self-awareness. How do I react when I believe the thought "nobody loves me?" How have I lived my life? Is this where any addictions kick in? How do I treat friends, family, partners, prospective partners when I believe this thought? When did the belief first occur to me? How has it served me to hold the belief? Who would I be, how would I live my life, if I didn't believe this thought? And notice I said "if." I never have to drop a stressful belief; but upon examination, seeing where I have been exaggerating or mistaken, seeing the cost involved in believing the thought, the thought might drop away of its own accord, or at the very least, have less "charge" to it when it comes around again.
Jessica: Can you give me some examples of common "escape clauses" people use to justify their behavior or beliefs?
Carol: There are only four, as far as I can tell: "Yeah, but..." "What if...?" "Because..." and "I know." These little phrases stop inquiry dead in its tracks.
Jessica: I've heard that to overcome resistance and help others who might be acting "stubborn" you have to know how to ask the right questions. When I struggle with relationships with other people, should I be asking them or myself these four questions?
Carol: To ask others these questions without someone's permission or interest would be unkind and unhelpful. If I think someone is stubborn, I may want to question that. Maybe they are right not to budge from their position. Maybe it's for my benefit. Where am I being stubborn in wanting them do to what I want? That's where inquiry is helpful. Their stubbornness is not my business. That doesn't mean that they will always be resistant, and it doesn't mean I will be their doormat either, but I need to examine my motives, my supposed needs, before entering into negotiations. I've seen people use The Work as a weapon; that, to me, is just the worst thing you can do. It leaves you with the idea that war and manipulation work. Sure, they do, until they don't. In the end you are always left with yourself.
Jessica: How do we turn around our thoughts? Have you seen people become freer when they open up to the possibility of the opposite?
Carol: I want to emphasize that the turnaround is the very last part of The Work for a reason. If we simply turn a thought around, it becomes either an affirmation (if it's a "positive" turnaround, such as "The world isn't safe"—"The world is safe") or yet another stick with which to beat oneself (if it's a "negative" turnaround, such as "Nobody loves me"—"I don't love myself.") When you jump to the turnarounds you leave yourself unconvinced, disconnected, dissatisfied. Give yourself the education of the four questions, and then when you reach the turnaround, it will have meaning for you.
Absolutely, people become freer when they open to the possibilities of the turnarounds. They begin to see what else could be as true or truer in what I call the parallel universe of peace. I call it a parallel universe because we're not out to wipe out the original statement; we're just seeing what else is available. (And afterwards, we may not want or need to return to that other universe.)
We don't just stop at the turnarounds; for each turnaround we attempt to find at least three examples of how the turnaround could be as true or truer. Often, someone who thought they didn't even have one example comes up with more than three as the mind opens.
We also keep an awareness of our turnarounds and see how we can live them out. What's different about our behavior, our relationships, our communication, our energy, when we live our turnarounds? "There's something wrong with me—there's something right with me." Even the body feels different. As I was writing that statement, I noticed myself sitting up straighter—body tends to follow the mind—and perhaps not coincidentally, one second afterwards the sun came out and flooded my office. I really noticed it, took it in and enjoyed the heck out of it; acknowledgment from the Universe? No, just appreciating what is always available...the support of the chair, the air I breathe that is freely given to all of us, the remembrance of a delicious and well-deserved lunch waiting for me in the kitchen.
Jessica: Can you tell a story about the epiphany of "what if depression is not the enemy? What if we don't have to fight it?"
Carol: My depression has always brought me home, every time. It's my teacher. I can recall a time when I was doing The Work for a couple of years and my depression came back big-time. I started doing all the things I had been doing before: blaming and hating myself, feeling hopeless and ashamed, isolating. The difference was that I was very aware of what I was thinking and how I was reacting. I continued to do The Work, not to feel better (because it wasn't making me feel better), but because I had developed this addictive love of the truth and would settle for nothing less. I had to drag myself to the computer (my preferred way of filling out the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet) and force myself to call friends to facilitate me, but I did it. It took about six months for the fog to lift. During that time, I learned a lot about myself, and about how much love and grace were in my "terrible" life. If I had been happy-happy-joy-joy all that time, I wouldn't have the peace and clarity I have now. If depression returns, I know it is for my highest good; it's there to show me that I'm believing in nightmares. It's there to spur me to wake up some more.
Jessica: Can you tell us about your role as a facilitator of The Work?
Carol: I'm a Certified Facilitator with the Institute for The Work (see http://www.InstituteForTheWork.com), which means that I have been trained and approved by Byron Katie, the founder of The Work, to provide a pure experience of inquiry. I also serve as a mentor and instructor to facilitators in training. In my private practice, I hold a safe space for my clients to examine their stressful thoughts, express themselves openly and honestly and find their own answers. I help you stay on track when the mind wanders or wants to defend…point out underlying beliefs unearthed during sessions…and suggest different angles to the four questions that may not have occurred to you. This is meant to assist you in making your way to your own answers and tap into the knowledge we all have equally.
I see my role as an educator. As such, I provide my clients with clear, practical, individually tailored assignments designed to encourage and support you to inquire more deeply on your own. I have also created learning materials to help you on your journey. A new ebook entitled "Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression" is in the works; if you subscribe to my newsletter you'll be among the first to know when it becomes available.
I facilitate The Work in person, by telephone, and through teleclasses, introductory programs and weekend workshops anywhere in the world. You can learn more about my services and contact me through my website, ClearLifeSolutions.com. Please also visit the official website of The Work of Byron Katie.
©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Jessica: What types of reactions/releases do you see from depressed people after they go through The Work?
Carol: Well, I'm one of those people, so I'll speak from my own experience. I received the diagnosis of clinical depression in my early 20s and I remember being depressed since early childhood. It didn't ever take much to send me into a spiral of hopelessness, disappointment, extreme sadness, resentment, self-hatred...and in adulthood, I had tried a lot of different things: therapies, meditation techniques, antidepressants, supplements, exercise, diet. All helped to some degree but never got at the source of what was troubling me. I tried to escape into food, relationships, spiritual woowoo. Shortly after I began doing The Work, a weight lifted from me and I began to experience the inner peace I'd been searching for all of my life and it wasn't fleeting; it continued, and continues, to deepen. I can tell you that the people in my life are very happy that I do this work; I think the acid test is that members of my family, who have no interest in The Work, sometimes ask me if I would please talk to Cousin So-and-so.
I've seen similar reactions in my clients and in people I know who have attended the School for The Work. They arrive because they've tried so many things and they don't know what to do any more; they exit transformed, sometimes unrecognizable. Where once they refused to let anything in, they become receptive, open listeners. They stop beating themselves. They forgive themselves and others. They don't get derailed when they don't get their way.
Byron Katie says, "All sadness is a minor tantrum." You know what happens when a child doesn't get what they want: they throw a tantrum. If a child learned that this brought about the desired results, he or she would throw one at every opportunity. What happens more often is that eventually, the child stops crying and screaming and gets up off the floor. Similarly, we may throw tantrums in our adult lives because we believe if we yell loudly enough, God or the Universe or our loved ones will hear us and things will change. With The Work, we come to see that tantrums only lead to more tantrums, and how exhausting and fruitless that has been...but only for our entire lives!
Depression for me is believing depressing thoughts; we can't stop those from arising, but we can meet them with understanding. Anyone, no matter how depressed, can answer questions, which is what The Work is: inquiry. It takes a little willingness, and sometimes when we're very depressed we don't have the willingness; we "know" we're right and that everything is terrible and always will be! The point is not to force yourself to do The Work but to do it when there is an opening and a desire for freedom from the bondage of depressing thoughts. Pretty soon I found that I very much wanted to do it; the willingness to consider I might be mistaken about what I thought I knew for sure, the willingness to try on different points of view increased with time and practice. The more willing I am, the happier I become. I don't relate to the label "depressive" anymore.
Jessica: What is the root of depression and how do we address it?
Carol: I'm not a brain scientist, doctor or therapist, so what I talk about here is in the realm of ideas. I encourage anyone who feels hopeless or suicidal to seek treatment with a licensed professional...and it if serves, do The Work in addition as it will dovetail with any treatment. That's how I addressed my depression; I didn't leave therapy. After just a year of doing The Work, my therapist of many, many years deemed it time for me to quit. That was in 2002 and I haven't felt the need to go back; I would if I needed to.
I work with people who are in therapy and take medications and who do The Work as well, with their doctors' blessings. They tell me it enhances their treatment, and why wouldn't it? With The Work, we do a kind of meditation where we sit with the thoughts rather than trying to override or change them. Putting the thoughts down in writing serves to stop a troubled mind long enough for some clarity to seep in. The questions keep the mind disciplined and focused in much the way repeating a mantra does. I like to say The Work is meditation for people who are too "mental" to meditate in the traditional way.
In my life, arguing with reality shows up as depression and I have done plenty of that! I had a challenging childhood to say the least, along with some depressing situations throughout my life, including a mentally ill parent, several career setbacks and an interesting immune system. I was also told that my depression was biological in nature, whatever that means, that it was hereditary and that I'd be living with it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, I'm wondering where it went, as I still have the same body and brain!
There may be different physical predispositions to depression: hormonal or physical changes, having a certain kind of brain chemistry where the neurotransmitters aren't doing what they're meant to do, a family history of depression. I don't know much about how that works, but I do know we can't do anything about those things with inquiry—the body is what it is. However, we can perhaps run a better software program than the one we've been running in the hardware we can't change. And the latter may not be true, by the way, as studies in neuroplasticity are showing us that biology isn't destiny and the brain is more changeable than we knew previously.
As for situational depression that seems to become hardwired over time: of course we can't take away a traumatic childhood, but we can look at that childhood in less traumatic ways. We can't stop depressing thoughts from coming in, but what we can do is say: "This is what happened, or this is what is happening, and what can I do now given the situation?" We can look at the thoughts that depress us the most, such as "The world isn't safe" or "I never get what I need" or "Nobody loves me" and see if they are 100% true for us. We can examine how we live our lives, not from reality, but out of belief. With awareness comes the possibility for change.
Whether or not if I start out convinced that a thought is true, I'm not out to change my mind when I question my beliefs; I'm developing self-awareness. How do I react when I believe the thought "nobody loves me?" How have I lived my life? Is this where any addictions kick in? How do I treat friends, family, partners, prospective partners when I believe this thought? When did the belief first occur to me? How has it served me to hold the belief? Who would I be, how would I live my life, if I didn't believe this thought? And notice I said "if." I never have to drop a stressful belief; but upon examination, seeing where I have been exaggerating or mistaken, seeing the cost involved in believing the thought, the thought might drop away of its own accord, or at the very least, have less "charge" to it when it comes around again.
Jessica: Can you give me some examples of common "escape clauses" people use to justify their behavior or beliefs?
Carol: There are only four, as far as I can tell: "Yeah, but..." "What if...?" "Because..." and "I know." These little phrases stop inquiry dead in its tracks.
Jessica: I've heard that to overcome resistance and help others who might be acting "stubborn" you have to know how to ask the right questions. When I struggle with relationships with other people, should I be asking them or myself these four questions?
Carol: To ask others these questions without someone's permission or interest would be unkind and unhelpful. If I think someone is stubborn, I may want to question that. Maybe they are right not to budge from their position. Maybe it's for my benefit. Where am I being stubborn in wanting them do to what I want? That's where inquiry is helpful. Their stubbornness is not my business. That doesn't mean that they will always be resistant, and it doesn't mean I will be their doormat either, but I need to examine my motives, my supposed needs, before entering into negotiations. I've seen people use The Work as a weapon; that, to me, is just the worst thing you can do. It leaves you with the idea that war and manipulation work. Sure, they do, until they don't. In the end you are always left with yourself.
Jessica: How do we turn around our thoughts? Have you seen people become freer when they open up to the possibility of the opposite?
Carol: I want to emphasize that the turnaround is the very last part of The Work for a reason. If we simply turn a thought around, it becomes either an affirmation (if it's a "positive" turnaround, such as "The world isn't safe"—"The world is safe") or yet another stick with which to beat oneself (if it's a "negative" turnaround, such as "Nobody loves me"—"I don't love myself.") When you jump to the turnarounds you leave yourself unconvinced, disconnected, dissatisfied. Give yourself the education of the four questions, and then when you reach the turnaround, it will have meaning for you.
Absolutely, people become freer when they open to the possibilities of the turnarounds. They begin to see what else could be as true or truer in what I call the parallel universe of peace. I call it a parallel universe because we're not out to wipe out the original statement; we're just seeing what else is available. (And afterwards, we may not want or need to return to that other universe.)
We don't just stop at the turnarounds; for each turnaround we attempt to find at least three examples of how the turnaround could be as true or truer. Often, someone who thought they didn't even have one example comes up with more than three as the mind opens.
We also keep an awareness of our turnarounds and see how we can live them out. What's different about our behavior, our relationships, our communication, our energy, when we live our turnarounds? "There's something wrong with me—there's something right with me." Even the body feels different. As I was writing that statement, I noticed myself sitting up straighter—body tends to follow the mind—and perhaps not coincidentally, one second afterwards the sun came out and flooded my office. I really noticed it, took it in and enjoyed the heck out of it; acknowledgment from the Universe? No, just appreciating what is always available...the support of the chair, the air I breathe that is freely given to all of us, the remembrance of a delicious and well-deserved lunch waiting for me in the kitchen.
Jessica: Can you tell a story about the epiphany of "what if depression is not the enemy? What if we don't have to fight it?"
Carol: My depression has always brought me home, every time. It's my teacher. I can recall a time when I was doing The Work for a couple of years and my depression came back big-time. I started doing all the things I had been doing before: blaming and hating myself, feeling hopeless and ashamed, isolating. The difference was that I was very aware of what I was thinking and how I was reacting. I continued to do The Work, not to feel better (because it wasn't making me feel better), but because I had developed this addictive love of the truth and would settle for nothing less. I had to drag myself to the computer (my preferred way of filling out the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet) and force myself to call friends to facilitate me, but I did it. It took about six months for the fog to lift. During that time, I learned a lot about myself, and about how much love and grace were in my "terrible" life. If I had been happy-happy-joy-joy all that time, I wouldn't have the peace and clarity I have now. If depression returns, I know it is for my highest good; it's there to show me that I'm believing in nightmares. It's there to spur me to wake up some more.
Jessica: Can you tell us about your role as a facilitator of The Work?
Carol: I'm a Certified Facilitator with the Institute for The Work (see http://www.InstituteForTheWork.com), which means that I have been trained and approved by Byron Katie, the founder of The Work, to provide a pure experience of inquiry. I also serve as a mentor and instructor to facilitators in training. In my private practice, I hold a safe space for my clients to examine their stressful thoughts, express themselves openly and honestly and find their own answers. I help you stay on track when the mind wanders or wants to defend…point out underlying beliefs unearthed during sessions…and suggest different angles to the four questions that may not have occurred to you. This is meant to assist you in making your way to your own answers and tap into the knowledge we all have equally.
I see my role as an educator. As such, I provide my clients with clear, practical, individually tailored assignments designed to encourage and support you to inquire more deeply on your own. I have also created learning materials to help you on your journey. A new ebook entitled "Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression" is in the works; if you subscribe to my newsletter you'll be among the first to know when it becomes available.
I facilitate The Work in person, by telephone, and through teleclasses, introductory programs and weekend workshops anywhere in the world. You can learn more about my services and contact me through my website, ClearLifeSolutions.com. Please also visit the official website of The Work of Byron Katie.
©2009 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
August 27, 2008
Cool Publication News
I've got two articles relating the power of The Work in my life, appearing in September 2008 publications. The first article called "Days of Awe"—is an inquiry-based approach to the Jewish High Holy days and was adapted from some of my blog post here on the subject. It was published in the September issue of Science of Mind magazine, and it's even featured on the cover. (You can find Science of Mind at larger magazine retailers and at "spiritual" bookstores; the article is not online, at least not yet.)
The other article, which is my brief account of my self-care as someone once diagnosed with depressive who uses The Work, will be in the Fall 2008 issue of Anchor, a magazine about living with depression that is published by Magpie Media in Canada. (I haven't seen it yet.)
The other article, which is my brief account of my self-care as someone once diagnosed with depressive who uses The Work, will be in the Fall 2008 issue of Anchor, a magazine about living with depression that is published by Magpie Media in Canada. (I haven't seen it yet.)
August 7, 2008
So Nice, I'm Offering It Twice
In the spring, I had an "early-bird" special for my upcoming eBook, Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression. The offer included a bonus eBook, Three Realizations That Changed My Life.The gift eBook is now ready, and the reviews are in. "Fun to read." "Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous." "Some great thoughts tucked in there." "Beautifully edited, and your photos are wonderful." "Absolutely delightful!" "Thank you so much for these realizations. I love them!" "This is a great book to savor a few pages of realizations at a time. Yum!"
And that's just the praise for the "appetizer."
So I am moved to offer another pre-publication special: if you pre-order Asking Depression by September 30, 2008 for $22.95 (that's a savings of $2.00), I will send you the PDF of Three Realizations to enjoy in the meantime...a collection of "Aha!" moments that changed the lives of some of my dear friends...among them life coaches, writers, musicians, artists, office workers, educators, students and teachers of spirituality, and fellow facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.
This bonus eBook is not for sale separately.
For more information, and to pre-order Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression plus the bonus eBook, visit
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/askingdepression_pre-pub908.htm
and reserve your copy before September 30, 2008.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
June 23, 2008
Asking Depression - Preorder Today!
Byron Katie has said, "All sadness is a tantrum." Why would she say such a thing? This seemed really crazy the first time I heard it; in fact, I had a little tantrum over it. "Easy for Katie to say," I spluttered. "Let her live my life for a few days and see if she still thinks my depression isn't justified."
But having sat with Katie's words over and again throughout the years, I realized that this was indeed true for me. My deepest depression has been the result of believing that my life ought to be different than it is. My depressive thoughts are always about not getting my way. Having recognized that, I have become more willing to sit with the possibility that I am throwing a hissy fit every time I want to give up and check out. Can I know that what I want is what is best for the world, or for me? Can I know I would be happier if things were different? Who would I be without my story? These are very important questions to ask, and my answers have been the most effective "anti-depressant" I've ever tried...and I tried many.
I hear from many others that The Work dovetails beautifully with their treatment for depression. They are able to meet their depression with understanding while they take their meds and supplements, work their 12-step programs, take care of their nutrition and sleep needs and follow their doctors' advice.
Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, who describes depressive thinking as "the ANTS that invade your brain" (ANTS is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts), has said that he works with the "hardware" of the brain, and recommends The Work as "software."
Want to know more about this phenomenon of sadness=tantrum? I'm writing about it, and including penetrating inquiry-based exercises, in my upcoming Transformational Inquiry eBook.
Have you pre-ordered your copy yet?
Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression will be the third of an ongoing series of practical guides that help you to apply The Work of Byron Katie to real-life situations. Upon its completion in the late fall of 2008 (we'll see if that comes true!), it will sell for $24.95. I am offering it now to readers of my newsletter and blog at the pre-publication price of $19.95, until June 30, 2008.
Shoot me an email with the order code available here to receive instructions for ordering before the June 30th deadline.
Because you're helping me to pay the bills in the meantime, you'll be among the first to receive the book when it becomes available, along with a gift: Three Realizations, a collection of "Aha! moments" that changed the lives of some of many of my dear friends...among them life coaches, writers, musicians, artists, office workers, educators, students and teachers of spirituality, and fellow facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.
For more information and to order, visit
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/askingdepression_pre-pub608.htm
before June 30, 2008.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
But having sat with Katie's words over and again throughout the years, I realized that this was indeed true for me. My deepest depression has been the result of believing that my life ought to be different than it is. My depressive thoughts are always about not getting my way. Having recognized that, I have become more willing to sit with the possibility that I am throwing a hissy fit every time I want to give up and check out. Can I know that what I want is what is best for the world, or for me? Can I know I would be happier if things were different? Who would I be without my story? These are very important questions to ask, and my answers have been the most effective "anti-depressant" I've ever tried...and I tried many.
I hear from many others that The Work dovetails beautifully with their treatment for depression. They are able to meet their depression with understanding while they take their meds and supplements, work their 12-step programs, take care of their nutrition and sleep needs and follow their doctors' advice.
Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, who describes depressive thinking as "the ANTS that invade your brain" (ANTS is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts), has said that he works with the "hardware" of the brain, and recommends The Work as "software."
Want to know more about this phenomenon of sadness=tantrum? I'm writing about it, and including penetrating inquiry-based exercises, in my upcoming Transformational Inquiry eBook.
Have you pre-ordered your copy yet?
Transformational Inquiry: Asking Depression will be the third of an ongoing series of practical guides that help you to apply The Work of Byron Katie to real-life situations. Upon its completion in the late fall of 2008 (we'll see if that comes true!), it will sell for $24.95. I am offering it now to readers of my newsletter and blog at the pre-publication price of $19.95, until June 30, 2008.
Shoot me an email with the order code available here to receive instructions for ordering before the June 30th deadline.
Because you're helping me to pay the bills in the meantime, you'll be among the first to receive the book when it becomes available, along with a gift: Three Realizations, a collection of "Aha! moments" that changed the lives of some of many of my dear friends...among them life coaches, writers, musicians, artists, office workers, educators, students and teachers of spirituality, and fellow facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.
For more information and to order, visit
http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/askingdepression_pre-pub608.htm
before June 30, 2008.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
May 29, 2008
Ask a Facilitator: Shouldn't You Be Happy All the Time?
Q: Wouldn't an expert in The Work such as yourself have fully overcome depression by now, rather than go into a dip such as you speak of in this post, if indeed, The Work is so powerful as Byron Katie claims it is—she who supposedly is always happy now? Shouldn't you be always happy now too, if The Work really works?
A: Thank you for asking, it's a great question.
Simply put, The Work works when you answer the questions. If I'm in a dip, that's a clue that I'm believing something that's not entirely true for me. It means I'm making a painful assumption that I haven't yet investigated.
"Happy now" is the point; we can only be happy or unhappy "now." Happiness, like sadness and everything else, is a moment-to-moment phenomenon; Katie says as much when she writes, "You don't wake up forever. It's now. Now. Now."
I don't see depression as something to "overcome." That's the old way, and the old way was disappointing; it didn't work. "Fighting" depression in order to eliminate it is violent. The key for me is to understand the root cause of my sadness, in order to meet sadness with understanding.
In a nutshell, The Work is a way to identify and question thoughts that cause stress, suffering, lack of inner peace. The Work is just some good, targeted questions, which we choose to answer or not; all of its power comes from our own answers. It stops working the moment we stop answering the questions and begin to defend the "negative" concept we're questioning. And, of course, like everything else—exercise, or meditation, or taking vitamins, for example—it doesn't work at all if it's not practiced consistently; you don't do it a few times and it's done for all time.
Back in 2001, the answers within me that met these simple questions ended my sense of myself as "depressive," and occasionally I notice that I want to be right when the world doesn't give me what I think I want. That's the minor tantrum that sometimes leads to depressive dips; sadness is not my true nature.
I have already been opened to what's true for me, so depression is no longer the default setting. It soon becomes really uncomfortable to stay in my stuff, and once again I inquire with an open heart. When I do—so far without fail, and I"m open to being wrong—I come to laugh at myself and to love my world once more.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
A: Thank you for asking, it's a great question.
Simply put, The Work works when you answer the questions. If I'm in a dip, that's a clue that I'm believing something that's not entirely true for me. It means I'm making a painful assumption that I haven't yet investigated.
"Happy now" is the point; we can only be happy or unhappy "now." Happiness, like sadness and everything else, is a moment-to-moment phenomenon; Katie says as much when she writes, "You don't wake up forever. It's now. Now. Now."
I don't see depression as something to "overcome." That's the old way, and the old way was disappointing; it didn't work. "Fighting" depression in order to eliminate it is violent. The key for me is to understand the root cause of my sadness, in order to meet sadness with understanding.
In a nutshell, The Work is a way to identify and question thoughts that cause stress, suffering, lack of inner peace. The Work is just some good, targeted questions, which we choose to answer or not; all of its power comes from our own answers. It stops working the moment we stop answering the questions and begin to defend the "negative" concept we're questioning. And, of course, like everything else—exercise, or meditation, or taking vitamins, for example—it doesn't work at all if it's not practiced consistently; you don't do it a few times and it's done for all time.
Back in 2001, the answers within me that met these simple questions ended my sense of myself as "depressive," and occasionally I notice that I want to be right when the world doesn't give me what I think I want. That's the minor tantrum that sometimes leads to depressive dips; sadness is not my true nature.
I have already been opened to what's true for me, so depression is no longer the default setting. It soon becomes really uncomfortable to stay in my stuff, and once again I inquire with an open heart. When I do—so far without fail, and I"m open to being wrong—I come to laugh at myself and to love my world once more.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
May 7, 2008
Depression, or Correction?
(NOTE: I've been promising to release an eBook about living with and inquiring into depression for a couple of years now...but I kept changing my mind about the approach. I have done a lot of writing and I'm finally ready to commit. See the end of this post for a limited-time pre-publication offer.)
In spite of doing my "inquiry due diligence," I've been known to get quite attached to getting my way. Since reality hasn't cooperated recently, I've experienced a dip in my normal happiness lately that mirrors the current economy ("Down from the 52-week high"), if not its forecast ("Further declines projected.").
This has happened before. While it's no fun while I'm in the thick of it, it's nothing to be terribly concerned about; not a true bear market on happiness, just a reality check that sends me back to inquiry until I get right with myself and my world again.
When the stock market dips up to 20%, financial experts call it a "correction." The same holds true when home prices fall significantly; we can either see it as the bubble bursting, or a necessary adjustment. It means that prices were artificially high, and that the new values are closer to reality. It's probably not permanent, and it isn't a tragedy, unless you need to cash in on your stocks, or sell your home immediately, and you were counting on a windfall.
I have found it useful to see the dips in my emotional state (even the ones that feel like substantial drops) as a correction as well. To say "I'm depressed again" is to say that I'm a bear: not simply shying away from wanting to know the truth but buying into all of my old stories with the same pessimistic conviction as before. That's simply not true. "I'm believing what I think" is more accurate. "I'm having a tantrum" is truer.
Forest fires (other than those caused by arson or careless campers) are a natural phenomenon, and mood dips are too. A forest fire clears out deadwood, so that new growth may take its place. A return of depression for those who question their minds is also a natural occurrence; there's something here that isn't working for us anymore, and the dip is an opportunity to clear it out. This is why Byron Katie has included the "dreaded" Number 6 turnaround on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet: "I don't ever want to" becomes, turned around, "I am willing to ___," and "I look forward to ___." If sadness and despair return, they are not our enemies, and we're not failures; they have come back because of some internal deadwood-beliefs that no longer serve, waiting for us to discover and attend to them, if we have the willingness. Doing The Work in the midst of depression reveals the exact nature and location of the deadwood, which gets burned in the fire of truth.
An emotional "correction," like a market correction, is a time to regroup. If you become depressed, and you already have the tools of inquiry, you have the opportunity to examine your situation, turn your thoughts around, and develop "best practices" that you may have previously overlooked. The Work reveals these emotional benchmarks; your answers are your own prescription for inner peace.
When reality kicks in and appropriate actions are taken, both markets and home prices rebound. With inquiry, depressed moods can too...perhaps not to the dizzying heights of the happiness bull market, for that too consists of unexamined thoughts...but to a balanced, comfortable, and realistic outlook.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
*******
TRANSFORMATIONAL INQUIRY: Working with Depression will, Universe willing, be finished by fall's end! Thank you all for your friendly reminders to "git 'er done." This will be the roundest, firmest, most fully packed of my eBooks, and as such, this labor of love be priced higher than the others: $24.95. However, you may pre-order it at my website for $19.95 by shooting me an email with the special discount code you'll find there. I'll respond with order instrucdtions This code also entitles you to a free collection called Three Realizations, good until June 30, 2008.
In spite of doing my "inquiry due diligence," I've been known to get quite attached to getting my way. Since reality hasn't cooperated recently, I've experienced a dip in my normal happiness lately that mirrors the current economy ("Down from the 52-week high"), if not its forecast ("Further declines projected.").
This has happened before. While it's no fun while I'm in the thick of it, it's nothing to be terribly concerned about; not a true bear market on happiness, just a reality check that sends me back to inquiry until I get right with myself and my world again.
When the stock market dips up to 20%, financial experts call it a "correction." The same holds true when home prices fall significantly; we can either see it as the bubble bursting, or a necessary adjustment. It means that prices were artificially high, and that the new values are closer to reality. It's probably not permanent, and it isn't a tragedy, unless you need to cash in on your stocks, or sell your home immediately, and you were counting on a windfall.
I have found it useful to see the dips in my emotional state (even the ones that feel like substantial drops) as a correction as well. To say "I'm depressed again" is to say that I'm a bear: not simply shying away from wanting to know the truth but buying into all of my old stories with the same pessimistic conviction as before. That's simply not true. "I'm believing what I think" is more accurate. "I'm having a tantrum" is truer.
Forest fires (other than those caused by arson or careless campers) are a natural phenomenon, and mood dips are too. A forest fire clears out deadwood, so that new growth may take its place. A return of depression for those who question their minds is also a natural occurrence; there's something here that isn't working for us anymore, and the dip is an opportunity to clear it out. This is why Byron Katie has included the "dreaded" Number 6 turnaround on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet: "I don't ever want to" becomes, turned around, "I am willing to ___," and "I look forward to ___." If sadness and despair return, they are not our enemies, and we're not failures; they have come back because of some internal deadwood-beliefs that no longer serve, waiting for us to discover and attend to them, if we have the willingness. Doing The Work in the midst of depression reveals the exact nature and location of the deadwood, which gets burned in the fire of truth.
An emotional "correction," like a market correction, is a time to regroup. If you become depressed, and you already have the tools of inquiry, you have the opportunity to examine your situation, turn your thoughts around, and develop "best practices" that you may have previously overlooked. The Work reveals these emotional benchmarks; your answers are your own prescription for inner peace.
When reality kicks in and appropriate actions are taken, both markets and home prices rebound. With inquiry, depressed moods can too...perhaps not to the dizzying heights of the happiness bull market, for that too consists of unexamined thoughts...but to a balanced, comfortable, and realistic outlook.
©2008 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
*******
TRANSFORMATIONAL INQUIRY: Working with Depression will, Universe willing, be finished by fall's end! Thank you all for your friendly reminders to "git 'er done." This will be the roundest, firmest, most fully packed of my eBooks, and as such, this labor of love be priced higher than the others: $24.95. However, you may pre-order it at my website for $19.95 by shooting me an email with the special discount code you'll find there. I'll respond with order instrucdtions This code also entitles you to a free collection called Three Realizations, good until June 30, 2008.
October 12, 2007
From Depression to Decompression
Here's a story, purportedly mine, that is only a couple of weeks old, yet it already feels like it happened to someone else.
One night, I did The Work with a friend on the thought, "I am getting depressed again." In spite of all the inquiry I have done and continue to do, and even though I no longer see myself as "a depressive," depressing thoughts return sometimes. Every now and then I get mired in them, temporarily.
I called my friend because I didn't even know what I needed to work on at first. I'd been afraid and bitchy for days. Sitting with my thoughts alone was excruciating. Sitting with others, the people I work with and mentor, I was concerned that if I were to be self-relevatory, I'd be taking away from their time, their needs.
Perhaps I had been overly honest while participating in a recent conference call; with the exception of writing, I'm not yet entirely comfortable with public vulnerability. Perhaps it was because, with the seasonal changes in temperature and light, I was experiencing a rerun of my old Seasonal Affective Disorder story. Maybe it was because I hadn't gone swimming outdoors in a few days; I get off track when I don't eat well, rest, and exercise in addition to working with my thoughts. Also I haven't slept well in over a year. When sleep doesn't happen, other things tend to go out the window.
Blah, blah, blah, and on the thoughts go.
While believing the thought "I am getting depressed again," I started back-tracking in many ways: punishing myself for being human, blaming the old brain chemistry story for my recent outbursts, feeling yet again that I ought to throw in the towel, take down my blog and website, get a "real" job, stop pretending that I am in any way qualified to do what I do. I was either forgetting to do simple self-care things, like brushing my teeth or eating breakfast, or putting them off until uncomfortably late in the day.
I revealed all this in the course of inquiry. And then came the turnaround: "I am not getting depressed again." It could be as true, I reckoned; I was not too depressed to reach out to my beloved friend, to stop being available for my clients, to recognize I was "off" and in need of inquiry.
Was there another turnaround, my friend wanted to know? My mind went to the opposite of "depressed." "I am getting elated again," I told her, and immediately burst into gales of laughter! In that moment, simply being a woman sitting in a couch taking on the telephone to her friend, there was absolutely nothing depressing. Even as I questioned my fear of returning to a painful story of the past, it ceased to be as powerful or compelling as it had been. Just naming the feelings, and the thoughts preceding them, began to take the edge off.
It's not a mere flick of the mental switch, mind you; without the deep education of the four questions and turnaround, to move from "I am getting depressed again" to "I am getting elated again" would be nothing more than an affirmation, largely meaningless.
In The Work, we don't exchange one thought with another, more uplifting one. The Work is a reductive process, what a therapist friend of mine calls "cognitive de-structuring" as opposed to, say, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a re-structuring of thought patterns. When we inquire, we gradually work our way to the opposites, after calling the mind's bluff about what it habitually has held dear. Otherwise, there is no proof that anything else could be equally true or truer, and the mind needs concrete examples in order to shift its loyalties.
To move from depression to elation wasn't a goal in doing this inquiry, and I didn't even know it was possible. All I knew was that I was caught in a story that was excruciating and therefore may not have been entirely accurate, I recognized a certain stubbornness in clinging to my belief, and at the same time, the curiosity and wilingness to see if there was anything else available to me. I was tired of beating myself.
In retrospect, I am not surprised that I became elated after questioning my thoughts. Depression is compressed, heavy, dense, low. When we question our depressive thinking, we are left with less gravity, nothing to cling to, nowhere to go but up.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
One night, I did The Work with a friend on the thought, "I am getting depressed again." In spite of all the inquiry I have done and continue to do, and even though I no longer see myself as "a depressive," depressing thoughts return sometimes. Every now and then I get mired in them, temporarily.
I called my friend because I didn't even know what I needed to work on at first. I'd been afraid and bitchy for days. Sitting with my thoughts alone was excruciating. Sitting with others, the people I work with and mentor, I was concerned that if I were to be self-relevatory, I'd be taking away from their time, their needs.
Perhaps I had been overly honest while participating in a recent conference call; with the exception of writing, I'm not yet entirely comfortable with public vulnerability. Perhaps it was because, with the seasonal changes in temperature and light, I was experiencing a rerun of my old Seasonal Affective Disorder story. Maybe it was because I hadn't gone swimming outdoors in a few days; I get off track when I don't eat well, rest, and exercise in addition to working with my thoughts. Also I haven't slept well in over a year. When sleep doesn't happen, other things tend to go out the window.
Blah, blah, blah, and on the thoughts go.
While believing the thought "I am getting depressed again," I started back-tracking in many ways: punishing myself for being human, blaming the old brain chemistry story for my recent outbursts, feeling yet again that I ought to throw in the towel, take down my blog and website, get a "real" job, stop pretending that I am in any way qualified to do what I do. I was either forgetting to do simple self-care things, like brushing my teeth or eating breakfast, or putting them off until uncomfortably late in the day.
I revealed all this in the course of inquiry. And then came the turnaround: "I am not getting depressed again." It could be as true, I reckoned; I was not too depressed to reach out to my beloved friend, to stop being available for my clients, to recognize I was "off" and in need of inquiry.
Was there another turnaround, my friend wanted to know? My mind went to the opposite of "depressed." "I am getting elated again," I told her, and immediately burst into gales of laughter! In that moment, simply being a woman sitting in a couch taking on the telephone to her friend, there was absolutely nothing depressing. Even as I questioned my fear of returning to a painful story of the past, it ceased to be as powerful or compelling as it had been. Just naming the feelings, and the thoughts preceding them, began to take the edge off.
It's not a mere flick of the mental switch, mind you; without the deep education of the four questions and turnaround, to move from "I am getting depressed again" to "I am getting elated again" would be nothing more than an affirmation, largely meaningless.
In The Work, we don't exchange one thought with another, more uplifting one. The Work is a reductive process, what a therapist friend of mine calls "cognitive de-structuring" as opposed to, say, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a re-structuring of thought patterns. When we inquire, we gradually work our way to the opposites, after calling the mind's bluff about what it habitually has held dear. Otherwise, there is no proof that anything else could be equally true or truer, and the mind needs concrete examples in order to shift its loyalties.
To move from depression to elation wasn't a goal in doing this inquiry, and I didn't even know it was possible. All I knew was that I was caught in a story that was excruciating and therefore may not have been entirely accurate, I recognized a certain stubbornness in clinging to my belief, and at the same time, the curiosity and wilingness to see if there was anything else available to me. I was tired of beating myself.
In retrospect, I am not surprised that I became elated after questioning my thoughts. Depression is compressed, heavy, dense, low. When we question our depressive thinking, we are left with less gravity, nothing to cling to, nowhere to go but up.
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
October 9, 2007
The Worst/Best Thing That Could Happen
Charles Dickens said, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us..." (From A Tale of Two Cities.)
Byron Katie tells us, "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen, but only always." (It's that "the universe is friendly" deal.)
If this reasoning makes you feel a little schizophrenic, you're not alone. We don't call it The Work for nothing.
Here's my recent encounter with that thing I call hellacious grace:
Thursday night, Sept. 27: I perform a routine software upgrade on my already troublesome new laptop. The machine makes an eerie noise, the screen goes black, and it shuts down. Naturally, it is fifteen minutes past the time my computer's manufacturer's customer care reps shut down for the night.
I try all the rebooting tricks I know. Look up user forums on my spare (very spare, and dying) older computer. Try calling my friend Loren, who knows everything about computers and most other things; he does not return my call.
I am up all night obsessing.
Friday: After a long time on hold, I manage to get ahold of telephone service representatives at Lemon Computers, Inc. Not one, but several of them, since the first one sends me to a "specialist" who knows no more than the first rep, and then, finally, to "customer care," a.k.a. "Where we send the irate customers who won't be appeased by us underpaid kids."
The news is not good. I have to send the computer in for repairs, which could take a few weeks, or get to the nearest Lemon store, a half hour away, and me with no car or public transportation option to get there. My data, I'm told, is likely lost. Lemon's warranty does not cover data loss or retrieval, even if the computer's malfunction is caused by a faulty product or the company's negligence. I look into nearby data retrieval companies; if they can even do the job, they will charge me almost as much as the computer itself cost. Most months, I don't earn what a computer costs.
I reach several friends, who commiserate or give redundant advice. One asks if I want to do The Work; sounds great, but my story is, I don't have time, I have more important things on my plate here (and besides, I'm right, damn it).
Friday evening: Loren finally calls back, and says he supposes he could take me to the store in Los Gatos the next day, but suggests we try a few other things first.
I am overwhelmed, and at a loss. I hadn't gotten to figuring out a system for backing up my files, because I was spending most of my computer time trying to coax out or exterminate the software and hardware bugs it shipped with. I don't have my precious manuscripts, my workshop notes, my online address book, or my client data, and I have a full schedule ahead. How will I be present with my work, for my clients?
I go to the movies, see a weepy chick flick, eat pizza (my first meal since lunch the previous day), and try to forget.
Friday late night through Saturday morning: I toss and turn. Finally it comes to me that I could be doing The Work as long as I'm not sleeping or tinkering with my Lemon laptop. Investigating the belief, "I am dependent on my computer," provides me with some enlightenment. I don't take care of my business or myself when I believe this thought. Obviously I can't sleep. I hate the people at Lemon. I hate the very machine I feel dependent on. Without this thought I would not presume disaster; I would do what's in front of me; non-computer tasks. I'd do all the research I've been doing but without all the drama. I turn the thought around. Wow. Truly speaking, I'm not dependent on anything; I'm still breathing. I can reconstruct whatever information I can. Creative oeuvre? I must not need it anymore. If the universe is friendly, what wonderful thing will take its place?
I don't feel better, but I do have some perspective; enough to get a couple of hours of sleep.
Saturday morning: I am, if not joyous, amazingly and entirely surrendered to what is. Que sera sera. I am going to live my life in the meantime. I go to my improv class; it is entirely enjoyable. Loren is there; he comes home with me to examine the "patient." After awhile, I ask if we could please just go to the Lemon store; he hesitantly, but kindly, agrees.
It's a perfect day in the South Bay. There's no traffic on the way to Los Gatos, taking us only 20 minutes. The Lemon store is hopping with young people needing their mp3 players fixed. The technicians can't see me until 3:30. Perfect; obviously it's now lunchtime. I treat Loren to delicious Vietnamese food, we window shop for housewares and clothing in funky-chic boutiques, and I purchase a half pound of some of my favorite childhood treats—mocha coffee beans, red Swedish fish, "likkerish" whips, and Sourpatch fruits—from the penny candy store.
We return to the computer shop. The tech, God bless him, gets me up and running in minutes. I get my data backed up on the spot, and my future backup solutions are mapped out for me. I tell the tech genius about a wireless problem I've been having, unsolved several attempts earlier by the phone "specialists." My Genius diagnoses the problem in a flash, and takes my computer to the back where it will be sent to the "depot" and returned, all fixed and cleaned up, straight to my door in a week's time at most.
Without my computer taking up most of my time, I clean my apartment, swim, use the phone, watch Netflix. The mended laptop arrives in just five days. My business survives, as does my life's work, without my even needing any of it
Is there an example from your life of "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen?" Send me your comments; I'll compile some of your stories for a future post.
P.S. Upon reading this, my friend, Rev. Tami Coyne wrote, only half joking: "Wonderful article. There's something about computer problems that make major existential crises--like the inevitablitity of death--seem irrelevant."
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
Byron Katie tells us, "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen, but only always." (It's that "the universe is friendly" deal.)
If this reasoning makes you feel a little schizophrenic, you're not alone. We don't call it The Work for nothing.
Here's my recent encounter with that thing I call hellacious grace:
Thursday night, Sept. 27: I perform a routine software upgrade on my already troublesome new laptop. The machine makes an eerie noise, the screen goes black, and it shuts down. Naturally, it is fifteen minutes past the time my computer's manufacturer's customer care reps shut down for the night.
I try all the rebooting tricks I know. Look up user forums on my spare (very spare, and dying) older computer. Try calling my friend Loren, who knows everything about computers and most other things; he does not return my call.
I am up all night obsessing.
Friday: After a long time on hold, I manage to get ahold of telephone service representatives at Lemon Computers, Inc. Not one, but several of them, since the first one sends me to a "specialist" who knows no more than the first rep, and then, finally, to "customer care," a.k.a. "Where we send the irate customers who won't be appeased by us underpaid kids."
The news is not good. I have to send the computer in for repairs, which could take a few weeks, or get to the nearest Lemon store, a half hour away, and me with no car or public transportation option to get there. My data, I'm told, is likely lost. Lemon's warranty does not cover data loss or retrieval, even if the computer's malfunction is caused by a faulty product or the company's negligence. I look into nearby data retrieval companies; if they can even do the job, they will charge me almost as much as the computer itself cost. Most months, I don't earn what a computer costs.
I reach several friends, who commiserate or give redundant advice. One asks if I want to do The Work; sounds great, but my story is, I don't have time, I have more important things on my plate here (and besides, I'm right, damn it).
Friday evening: Loren finally calls back, and says he supposes he could take me to the store in Los Gatos the next day, but suggests we try a few other things first.
I am overwhelmed, and at a loss. I hadn't gotten to figuring out a system for backing up my files, because I was spending most of my computer time trying to coax out or exterminate the software and hardware bugs it shipped with. I don't have my precious manuscripts, my workshop notes, my online address book, or my client data, and I have a full schedule ahead. How will I be present with my work, for my clients?
I go to the movies, see a weepy chick flick, eat pizza (my first meal since lunch the previous day), and try to forget.
Friday late night through Saturday morning: I toss and turn. Finally it comes to me that I could be doing The Work as long as I'm not sleeping or tinkering with my Lemon laptop. Investigating the belief, "I am dependent on my computer," provides me with some enlightenment. I don't take care of my business or myself when I believe this thought. Obviously I can't sleep. I hate the people at Lemon. I hate the very machine I feel dependent on. Without this thought I would not presume disaster; I would do what's in front of me; non-computer tasks. I'd do all the research I've been doing but without all the drama. I turn the thought around. Wow. Truly speaking, I'm not dependent on anything; I'm still breathing. I can reconstruct whatever information I can. Creative oeuvre? I must not need it anymore. If the universe is friendly, what wonderful thing will take its place?
I don't feel better, but I do have some perspective; enough to get a couple of hours of sleep.
Saturday morning: I am, if not joyous, amazingly and entirely surrendered to what is. Que sera sera. I am going to live my life in the meantime. I go to my improv class; it is entirely enjoyable. Loren is there; he comes home with me to examine the "patient." After awhile, I ask if we could please just go to the Lemon store; he hesitantly, but kindly, agrees.
It's a perfect day in the South Bay. There's no traffic on the way to Los Gatos, taking us only 20 minutes. The Lemon store is hopping with young people needing their mp3 players fixed. The technicians can't see me until 3:30. Perfect; obviously it's now lunchtime. I treat Loren to delicious Vietnamese food, we window shop for housewares and clothing in funky-chic boutiques, and I purchase a half pound of some of my favorite childhood treats—mocha coffee beans, red Swedish fish, "likkerish" whips, and Sourpatch fruits—from the penny candy store.
We return to the computer shop. The tech, God bless him, gets me up and running in minutes. I get my data backed up on the spot, and my future backup solutions are mapped out for me. I tell the tech genius about a wireless problem I've been having, unsolved several attempts earlier by the phone "specialists." My Genius diagnoses the problem in a flash, and takes my computer to the back where it will be sent to the "depot" and returned, all fixed and cleaned up, straight to my door in a week's time at most.
Without my computer taking up most of my time, I clean my apartment, swim, use the phone, watch Netflix. The mended laptop arrives in just five days. My business survives, as does my life's work, without my even needing any of it
Is there an example from your life of "The worst that could happen is the best that could happen?" Send me your comments; I'll compile some of your stories for a future post.
P.S. Upon reading this, my friend, Rev. Tami Coyne wrote, only half joking: "Wonderful article. There's something about computer problems that make major existential crises--like the inevitablitity of death--seem irrelevant."
©2007 by Carol L. Skolnick; all rights reserved.
May 23, 2006
The Other Great Depression, and Why You Need to Deal with It
Depression on Wall Street (the mental kind) was featured recently on the front page of the Sunday Business section of the New York Times. The article cited a 2000 study which concluded that 23% of a small sampling of male brokers and traders at the top Wall Street brokerage firms admitted to suffering from clinical depression, in contrast to 7% of the national average. Keeping in mind that this is before the economy and the stock market took a major tumble, before 9-11, before all those investor arbitration cases and the revelations of corporate corruption on a grand scale came to light. It's not difficult to imagine that, in these uncertain times, the percentages could be way higher.
What has this got to do with you and your business? Plenty. Because change on Wall Street affects all business, including those of the entrepreneurial, small business owner and independent professional. The pressure that's on for them is on for us as well, and that can lead to symptoms of depression. And we all know what an unhappy workforce leads to: attrition, absenteeism. poor morale, poor productivity, escalating costs and reduced revenues.
If yours is a large company with an EAP program, help is there for those who reach out for it...and many, feeling ashamed or stigmatized by depression, will never reach out. If yours is a small concern without such resources. what can you do for your employees and for yourself?
1. Acknowledge that there are issues. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as Freud pointed out. Sometimes things simply are not going well. The economy may be "recovering" and at the same time, it isn't what it used to be. Our retirement accounts have lost a third of their worth on average, there is no such thing as job security, and many people continue to be out of work or are underemployed, earning minimum wage in a world where $6.00 will barely cover the cost of a take-out sandwich. Saying that everything's okay and that the dilligent will prosper isn't everyone's reality; we may as well face it and see what we can do here and now.
2. Let your people know that it is not a weakness to seek help but rather a strength, a path to improvement. Be approachable and available to employees and their issues, and cultivate an atmosphere of trust and support in your workplace. Everyone flies off the handle, grieves, feels overwhelmed at one time or another. Don't punish people for being human; help them to find the balance they need in order to do their jobs.
3. Become more self-aware through the process of self-inquiry. You may be having your own crippling thoughts about the future of your business and your career. You needn't allow your thoughts to run you ragged; meet them with some understanding question them. It's hard to be a mentor and set an example if you aren't walking the walk. We've all been waiting for just one open and available CEO to show the rest of us the way; are you the one?
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help yourself. To become an analyst, therapists must first undergo analysis. Most of the corporate coaches of my acquaintance also work with a coach. If business is really getting you down, you may want to enlist the help of a professional...and don't overlook the help that is always there, in the form of your workforce. If you can be upfront withyour people about your own needs, you'll convey that mindset to your employees...and they may extend you the same courtesy.
5. Finally, understand what depression is. It need not be a crippling disease. It's not something to be ashamed of, to hide or to stuff down. Depression is simply confusion, a temporary block on the road to the truth. When we work with our thoughts, our lives change...and changes in business cannot help but follow.
Here is the best book I've ever read about the nature of depression:
Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison by Dorothy Rowe
And here's the process that hsa helped me many thousands of others worldwide move past the roadblocks of depression:
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
***
A Taste of Transformational Inquiry in the Workplace
1. What are some stressful thoughts you are having about your business or your job in relation to the economy? Write them down. Don't be afraid of inviting "negativity"...if you have already entertained these thoughts, actually dealing with them won't make it worse and might make it a whole lot better.
Some examples of stressful workplace thoughts:
"I won't have enough money."
"We're going down the drain."
"Our workforce (our leadership, our sales team, etc.) is too weak."
"I mustn't let anyone know how I'm really feeling."
"If I express my concerns, I'll lose my position."
"Things will never get better."
2. Hold each of your beliefs against the four questions of self-inquiry:
*Is it true?
*Can you absolutely know that it's true?
*How do you react when you think that thought?
*Who would you be without this thought?
Then, turn the thought around. What is the opposite? Can this new statement be just as true, or truer? Provide evidence for this, at least three examples. For instance: the opposite of "I won't have enough money" is "I will have enough money." Three ways in which this could be just as true: 1. I cannot know the future. 2. I have enough money in this moment, and it could be that we need to trim expenses so that this continues to be true for me. 3. I can find new ways to generate revenue (list some ideas). Another example of a turnaround: "Our leadership is too weak." "I am too weak." How have I not stepped up to the plate, given my best effort, backed down, avoided, or been out of my integrity on the job? How have I not done what I want the C-suite to do?
3. Don't wait for a crisis. You can head off certain office problems at the pass by cultivating self-awareness in yourself and your employees. Arrange for a trained facilitator to visit your workplace and train your department, your team, your entire workforce (or even just you) in the fundamentals of Transformational Inquiry
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick.
What has this got to do with you and your business? Plenty. Because change on Wall Street affects all business, including those of the entrepreneurial, small business owner and independent professional. The pressure that's on for them is on for us as well, and that can lead to symptoms of depression. And we all know what an unhappy workforce leads to: attrition, absenteeism. poor morale, poor productivity, escalating costs and reduced revenues.
If yours is a large company with an EAP program, help is there for those who reach out for it...and many, feeling ashamed or stigmatized by depression, will never reach out. If yours is a small concern without such resources. what can you do for your employees and for yourself?
1. Acknowledge that there are issues. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as Freud pointed out. Sometimes things simply are not going well. The economy may be "recovering" and at the same time, it isn't what it used to be. Our retirement accounts have lost a third of their worth on average, there is no such thing as job security, and many people continue to be out of work or are underemployed, earning minimum wage in a world where $6.00 will barely cover the cost of a take-out sandwich. Saying that everything's okay and that the dilligent will prosper isn't everyone's reality; we may as well face it and see what we can do here and now.
2. Let your people know that it is not a weakness to seek help but rather a strength, a path to improvement. Be approachable and available to employees and their issues, and cultivate an atmosphere of trust and support in your workplace. Everyone flies off the handle, grieves, feels overwhelmed at one time or another. Don't punish people for being human; help them to find the balance they need in order to do their jobs.
3. Become more self-aware through the process of self-inquiry. You may be having your own crippling thoughts about the future of your business and your career. You needn't allow your thoughts to run you ragged; meet them with some understanding question them. It's hard to be a mentor and set an example if you aren't walking the walk. We've all been waiting for just one open and available CEO to show the rest of us the way; are you the one?
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help yourself. To become an analyst, therapists must first undergo analysis. Most of the corporate coaches of my acquaintance also work with a coach. If business is really getting you down, you may want to enlist the help of a professional...and don't overlook the help that is always there, in the form of your workforce. If you can be upfront withyour people about your own needs, you'll convey that mindset to your employees...and they may extend you the same courtesy.
5. Finally, understand what depression is. It need not be a crippling disease. It's not something to be ashamed of, to hide or to stuff down. Depression is simply confusion, a temporary block on the road to the truth. When we work with our thoughts, our lives change...and changes in business cannot help but follow.
Here is the best book I've ever read about the nature of depression:
Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison by Dorothy Rowe
And here's the process that hsa helped me many thousands of others worldwide move past the roadblocks of depression:
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell.
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.
***
A Taste of Transformational Inquiry in the Workplace
1. What are some stressful thoughts you are having about your business or your job in relation to the economy? Write them down. Don't be afraid of inviting "negativity"...if you have already entertained these thoughts, actually dealing with them won't make it worse and might make it a whole lot better.
Some examples of stressful workplace thoughts:
"I won't have enough money."
"We're going down the drain."
"Our workforce (our leadership, our sales team, etc.) is too weak."
"I mustn't let anyone know how I'm really feeling."
"If I express my concerns, I'll lose my position."
"Things will never get better."
2. Hold each of your beliefs against the four questions of self-inquiry:
*Is it true?
*Can you absolutely know that it's true?
*How do you react when you think that thought?
*Who would you be without this thought?
Then, turn the thought around. What is the opposite? Can this new statement be just as true, or truer? Provide evidence for this, at least three examples. For instance: the opposite of "I won't have enough money" is "I will have enough money." Three ways in which this could be just as true: 1. I cannot know the future. 2. I have enough money in this moment, and it could be that we need to trim expenses so that this continues to be true for me. 3. I can find new ways to generate revenue (list some ideas). Another example of a turnaround: "Our leadership is too weak." "I am too weak." How have I not stepped up to the plate, given my best effort, backed down, avoided, or been out of my integrity on the job? How have I not done what I want the C-suite to do?
3. Don't wait for a crisis. You can head off certain office problems at the pass by cultivating self-awareness in yourself and your employees. Arrange for a trained facilitator to visit your workplace and train your department, your team, your entire workforce (or even just you) in the fundamentals of Transformational Inquiry
©2006 by Carol L. Skolnick.
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